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Toralei Stripe loved parties, good punch, and dancing until the balls of her feet hurt. It was always exciting to put on a new outfit and go out with her werecat friends (except when they leave her hanging alone to flirt with a guy). Toralei just loved getting out of the house, breathing in fresh air, leaving her thoughts outside the dance floor and the loud music. Which brings us to the current moment:
Toralei was leaning on the wall of the gymnasium, arms crossed over her chest, high heels digging uncomfortably into her feet, dress making her skin craw from how it would poke her thighs and waist. It wasn’t a great night, period. The music was annoyingly loud and her friends were nowhere to be seen. She felt like a fish out of water, something not as unusual as others may think, but a feeling she normally could ignore. Not tonight though.
Toralei cursed ever agreeing to come out to the school’s dance. She should have said no even when Purrsephone pulled out her best pout-big eyes combo. Especially then. Now her and her sister, Meowlody, were nowhere to be seen and all she could do was look around and act nonchalant. Act the way people would expect of her. You can endure this, Toralei. You are a big girl. Her thoughts sounded a bit too like her mum.
She felt pathetic like that, alone in a dark corner, trying to turn one with the wall. But, being a bitch to most people didn’t exactly reward her with a lot of friends so, waiting until Meowlody or Purrsephone came around was her best bet at the moment. She looked at all the other students scattered across the dance floor, waltzing to a boring slow song that was almost making her ears bleed. Between all the random bodies and yellow lightning she saw her.
Clawdeen looked beautiful in her purple two-piece suit, the lights shining in her chocolate brown hair just right. She was laughing at something this vampire dude was saying, hand over her mouth and eyes forming a crescent moon over her cheeks. Toralei thought nothing could be that funny and she hated this vampire who she didn’t even know the name a bit more at second glance.
Toralei felt her stomach tighten a little bit seeing Clawdeen so comfortable with someone who wasn’t her friends or family. That was a first. The werewolf was always the only single one in her friend group. Toralei has never, never, seen her with a guy and the funny feeling in her stomach was spreading all over her body now.
She couldn’t stop looking at the way the vampire was smiling all cocky, his head tilted to the side like Toralei’s eye wasn’t twitching at every minuscule expression in his ugly pale face. She was suddenly hit with a feeling she very much tried to hide and put a lid over, until everything was stuffed back inside her heart, the way it was supposed to be. But she could feel everything spilling over the more she looked at the other two monsters standing side by side on the opposite side of the gymnasium.
Toralei and Clawdeen couldn’t be more different if they tried. They never agreed on anything and were always hissing and growling at each other. Except when they weren’t. Except when Clawdeen’s smile had the werecat hypnotized, trying not to miss a single second of it. Clawdeen was a very beautiful girl, nobody could say otherwise, not even Toralei, no matter how much she tried to find flaws in the werewolf’s armor. She couldn’t find any. And that was the most infuriating thing ever.
Pretending not to feel the palpable attraction even as her heart grew three sizes just at the thought of the other girl was more difficult than she could ever imagine. Toralei felt like a little boy pulling at his crush’s pigtails instead of opening his mouth and talking about his mushy feelings. It was humiliating. She always thought she was immune to matters of the heart, that she was this cold wall of a woman, but being in the presence of the werewolf only proved she was still a little kitten. Pathetic.
Pretending her feelings weren’t real only worked when Clawdeen didn’t have a tall, pale-faced vampire by her side. When she felt like there was no competition to speak of (not that she was ever planning on admitting her feelings out loud). Now Toralei felt like stomping through the dance floor like a kid throwing a tantrum and putting herself in between Clawdeen and fangs over there, but her feet were seemingly cemented to the floorboards, keeping her frozen in her dark corner. Ha, this felt like karma. Being in love with probably the last girl on earth who would ever give her the time of day felt like the universe’s way of punishing her for being such a horrible person for most of her life.
Toralei felt even smaller standing in her tall shoes, her dress even more uncomfortable than before. With her ears and arms glued as close as possible to her body, she tried looking away, but her eyes always found their way back to the werewolf girl smiling and throwing her head back in laughter. Looking at the other two felt like torture, and Toralei wished more than before that she had never got out of her house. That she was still sitting alone in her bed, sweet fangs curled on her lap, trying to pick up the sound of her mother footsteps, trying to decipher her mood. Anything would be better than this.
A sharp nail digging in her left arm shook her out of her thoughts. Suddenly the image of Clawdeen flirting with someone else, a boy, gave way to the worried glances from her two werecat friends. Purrsephone had a puzzled look on her face while Meowlody’s eyes were scanning the entirety of Toralei’s body. Her ears immediately went back to normal and her tail uncurled from between her legs like they were never there. She hated when people could see she was a real person with real emotions, even if the people were her two best friends.
“Are you okay, Toralei?” Meowlody seemed done with her body scan now, eyebrows furrowed. Toralei let her impassive face take place instead of whatever it was doing before. It definitely showed everything she could never properly say with words. She was way more expressive when she wasn’t being careful with her emotions.
“Yeah. I just got tired of the boring music and came here to rest a bit”.
“You looked like-“
“I didn’t look like anything. Are we done here?” She put her walls back up before anything, of anyone, could get in. Purrsephone extended her one of the cups she was holding, the red liquid uninviting.
“I got you a bit of punch. Sorry for leaving you alone, we were supposed to be back way earlier”. She gave her twin the stinky eye, who in turn just rolled her own as far back as it went. Toralei accepted the red cup without any intention of actually drinking it.
“Don’t care. I just want to go home. This party kinda sucks”. She tightened her fingers around the cup, fighting the need to look over at Clawdeen and discover what type of expression she was wearing. How close were they? Did he have his hands anywhere near her? Would they kiss? Did she have any intention of dating that boy? Toralei’s heart was squeezing inside its cage, as alive as it had any right to be. In the end, she was only a monster, prisoner to her emotions.
“What were you looking at before we got here? Your ears wer-“
“Nothing. I was probably dissociating from boredom”. Meowlody didn’t look convinced, and neither did her sister but, before they could continue to interrogate her further, Toralei was moving. “I need to go to the restroom. I’m going home after that. You two can stay and enjoy the rest of the party. My feet are killing me”.
Toralei was gone before either of them could utter another word. She zigzagged around a bunch of people, bumping into a few on her way out. When the double-doors behind her closed, she let out a sigh of relief, not stopping to breathe properly until she was standing in front of the restroom mirror. With both hands holding both sides of the sink, she stared at herself, her reflection staring right back at her. She had never seen herself like this before, and she could already imagine what her friends had seen reflected in her eyes.
Her pupils, normally straight, were blow out, and her face a bit pale. She could feel sweat around her temples and her neck. Toralei never let herself go like this, and for the first time in years she understood the extent of her feelings. Love wasn’t a good look on her. She felt so small and pathetic.
Abruptly, the door opened, revealing the last person on earth she wanted to see her like this. At first, Clawdeen didn’t notice her presence, adjusting her suit jacket and blissfuly unaware while Toralei had a breakdown a couple steps away. She looked perfect tonight, with her long brown hair polling around her back and shoulders in waves, suit perfectly tailored to her body, making Toralei salivate a little bit. The werewolf always looked good but seeing her after having a big internal reveal about her love for the girl in front of her, it just hit harder than it usually did.
Clawdeen looked up and her eyes widened a fraction before she schooled her expression, approaching the sink beside Toralei without giving the werecat a second glance. One look at Toralei and her mood was gone. The orange haired girl felt her shoulders drop without meaning to. Clawdeen had a too big influence over her body and emotions and just Toralei as a whole. All the walls she built around herself were for nothing. One word from the werewolf and she was holding her heart in her clawed hand.
“The night was way too peaceful. I shoulda know you were around somewhere just waiting to disturb the quiet”. Toralei lowered her eyes to the sink, trying not to let Clawdeen’s words get to her. It was a practiced dance between them. Toralei would pull and Clawdeen would push. It had been like that since day one. But why did it feel so goddamn difficult right now? Her feelings were coming up her throat at an impossible to contain speed. She was going to spill at any second now.
“I was starting to dream of a world without Toralei and the werecat twins meddling around. Guess it will stay only a dream for now”.
Toralei could hear the sound of water running from her left but it was too muffled for her to focus on it. She knew Clawdeen was still talking, could sense it, but she was too focused on keeping her breathing even to say anything back. To push Clawdeen’s buttons like on any other day. The werecat gripped the sink for dear life, fearing her body would dissolve from under her if she ever let go. One thing nobody knew was: Toralei Stripe was a crybaby. She cried when her feelings were hurt, which usually wasn’t a problem since she never let what anybody said to her get too close to her heart, but Clawdeen wasn’t like the rest.
The only two people who could make Toralei shed tears were her mum and, apparently, Clawdeen Wolf.
“Why are you- Toralei? Hey”. A touch to her shoulder. “Are you okay?”. The touch became more firm all of a sudden, her body moved without her input. “You need to breathe, Toralei.”
Suddenly, her face was being lifted by a clawed finger, her eyes connecting with two golden yellow orbs. Clawdeen’s face was unlike anything she had ever seen when directed towards her, brows furrowed in a look of concern. In a moment, Toralei realized her eyes were burning and her cheeks seemed too warm. She was crying.
“Look at me. I think you are having a panic attack. Can you tell me what to do to make it better?”. The werewolf sounded and looked genuine, her yellow eyes scanning Toralei’s entire body for clues on how to fix her. She will hate you irreparably after this, a little voice in her head was trying to make her shatter even more. Toralei tried to shallow her tears, fang digging into her lower lip. Her tail hugged her thigh as a self soothing gesture. She couldn’t do this here. Not right now. Not in front of the girl she loved but would never love her back. She needed to get away right this instant.
“I need to go”. Her voice sounded wobbly even to her own ears. She was a total mess.
“Wait, you can’t go out alone like this. Do you want me to call your friends to take you home?” Clawdeen was gripping her shoulders, a stead weight holding her in place and preventing her from collapsing to the ground.
“No!”. Toralei’s fingers found Clawdeen’s suit jacket, holding onto the piece of fabric like life depended on it. At this very moment, it felt like it. “Please don’t say anything to anyone. I just need a minute. I will go back to normal in a minute. Just don’t let go of me. Please”. The werecat let her face fall, trying to hide her tears and not see the look on the other girls face. She could only hope Clawdeen was merciful enough to not bring it up after today.
They stayed like that for more than a minute. Maybe even more than 10 minutes. By a miracle, nobody entered the restroom and she could feel herself stop shaking. The tears on her cheeks had already dried, her lower lip only trembling a little bit compared to 10 minutes ago. And Clawdeen was still holding her, the look on the werewolf’s face unreadable.
“I feel better now. You can go back to the party”. The hand that wasn’t still holding onto the other girl’s jacket came up to help Toralei rid her own face of tears. Her fingers trembled a bit. “I’m sorry for keeping you for so long, I know you were having a good time with your date”. Her eyes were closed, trying to speed up the process of composing herself. Breathe in and out. In and out.
“My… date?” Clawdeen went silent but the werecat could still feel eyes staring at her. “Do you mean Valentine?”
“I don’t know who he is”. Toralei opened her eyes, her face impassive once again. There were still vestiges of her panic attack all over her body but she decided the best course of action was to act like nothing happened. Even if her eyes were still red and her fingers still trembled. She let go of Clawdeen’s suit jacket and tried to take a step back only to be stopped by the hands on her shoulders.
“He’s my friend”. She looked determined all of a sudden and Toralei couldn’t name the emotion transiting in her eyes. “We were…”. The werewolf bit her lower lip, claws digging into Toralei’s shoulders. She didn’t even flinch. “Were you watching us?”
“No!”. Toralei looked at the mirror, away from Clawdeen’s all knowing eyes and into the reflection of the two of them standing together. They were closer than Clawdeen and that vampire, Valentine, had looked earlier. “I just- I was waiting for my friends and you were there, right in front of me, so I had to look at you but, I wasn’t watching you. It was just a second. You two were laughing together so I just thought- I assumed he was your date. That’s all”.
Toralei could feel her tail swishing behind her and her ears were twitching, not knowing how to conduct herself. She had never been in a situation like this before and Clawdeen’s touch, and her cologne, were getting into her head. The werewolf smelled so good now that her senses were back to doing their job correctly.
“Oh. Just for a second? Are you sure you weren’t staring at us from across the gym?”. Toralei saw a tiny smile appear on Clawdeen’s perfect face through the mirror, the teasing tone back to what she was used to but different at the same time.
“Why would I be staring at you from across the gym? Conceited much?”. Toralei huffed, her fingers leaving Clawdeen and curling around her own upper arms. The walls were back up.
“I don’t know. Maybe because you always like to stare at me and pretend you weren’t looking”. The werewolf took a step forward. Toralei took a step back.
“I never did that. I don’t know what you are talking about”. She wrinkled her nose, like the idea was completely absurd. Like she wasn’t being found out.
“Really? Hm…”. Toralei felt her back touch the cold wall of the restroom, her tail swishing wildly beside her. She could’t look at the werewolf girl in the eyes. “Maybe I was just imagining your eyes all over me then”. She was now trapped between the wall and Clawdeen’s body. Her heart was beating so fast she was afraid the entire school would hear it over the loud music reverberating around the gym far away from this restroom. Way too far away for anyone to see a tanned arm beside a head of orange hair. Toralei sucked in a breath and all she could smell, all she could feel was Clawdeen.
“Don’t. Please”. Toralei’s voice was small, her eyes were closed tightly. In an instant, the feeling was gone. Clawdeen stepped away and suddenly she could breathe again.
“I’m sorry. I should’t-“ Clawdeen’s voice was a bit panicked, worried she had gone too far.
“I’m in love with you.” The words tumbled out of her mouth without her permission. She balled her hands into fists, angry at herself for not being able to rein it in, to keep her feelings tucked away like she was supposed to. Showing how you feel only led to heartbreak, it was what her mother always said. “I’m sorry. Just- Forget I said that. Actually, you should just forget about everything that happened in here. Tomorrow when we see each other, let’s not exchange any words”. Now it was her time to panic.
Toralei tries to go around Clawdeen, to leave, to end this conversation for once and for all, but the hand around her waist stops her dead in the track. She can’t bring herself to look at the other girl, to see what expression she’s wearing right now.
“Toralei”. The voice is firm and in the blink of an eye she’s back where she was less than a minute ago. The wall feels less cold now that she can’t focus on anything but the sound of her own heart trying to escape through her ears. “Look at me”. A command.
The werecat shakes her head, keeping her eyes pinned to a spot behind Clawdeen’s head.
“I can’t. Not right now. I can’t bear to see the pity all over your face”.
“How can you know what i’m thinking when you refuse to look at me? Toralei”. Fingers try to force her head up again but she fights against it this time.
“What else could you be thinking? You hate me. Your friends hate me. Being liked by me is probably a curse”. She laughs bitterly at herself. “I know I’m not a good person, Clawdeen. I try to do nice things sometimes but it never lasts. I’m rotten to the core”. Toralei tries not to spill more tears but the corner of her eyes are wet again. She can’t cry. Not again.
“I don’t hate you”. Her voice is gentle, the finger trying to lift her face now resting on her chin. “And I don’t think you’re rotten. I need you to look at me and see it for yourself”.
Toralei swallows her fear and looks up, up, up. Slowly.
Clawdeen is looking at her with gentle eyes but a firm set to her jawline. There’s not a single trace of hatred on the werewolf’s face. Staring up at her golden yellow eyes from so close makes her want to curl up on herself. Their height difference feels much more noticeably now, with Clawdeen towering over her like that. She feels warm inside.
“Can you say it again? I wanna hear it”. Her finger caresses the smaller girl’s chin gently, her body warmth colliding with Toralei’s slightly trembling figure.
“I’m in love with you. I’ve known it from the first time we met. From the first glance, I knew I was doomed. I love you so much my body can’t contain everything inside, I’m always on the verge of spilling over, of making a fool out of myself in front of you. You make my knees weak and my heart beats faster when you’re around. You’re the first thought I have when I go to bed and the first one when I wake up. You make me wanna try being a better person. I would do it for you”. The tears are flowing freely now and Clawdeen still looks at her with gentleness. She was ready for the werewolf to frown, to get angry at her, to push her away, to call her disgusting, but she actually does the exact opposite. Clawdeen does the last thing she was expecting: she grabs Toralei by the cheeks and kisses her.
The kiss is tender, just a small press of lips. Her fingers on Toralei’s skin burn where they touch. Her cheeks, her neck, her arms, her waist. When Toralei opens her eyes to stare at yellow ones so close to her face, she forgets how to breathe. Clawdeen is gorgeous. And she kissed Toralei. She kissed Toralei like she meant something to her. The werecat feels lightheaded. She feels like she’s dreaming. Like all the bad luck was waiting around for this to happen, making space for the only good thing to ever happen to her.
“I thought I was making it up in my head. One moment you would look at me like you wanted me, but the next you were cold again, like I didn’t mean a single thing to you. You know i’m confident enough in my actions but I also could’t bring it up with you. I didn’t know what to expect. I was afraid you would simply laugh in my face and make a joke outta me”. She held Toralei’s face in the palms of her hands. “I saw you looking at me today. I saw the look in your eyes and thought, finally, maybe we’ll get somewhere. God, I was so scared when you started breaking down in front of me”.
Clawdeen brushed Toralei’s ruby cheeks with the pad of her fingers. She has never held something this gently in her entire life. It felt good to finally have the werecat exactly where she wanted her. It felt good to hold her and hear the words she always wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry. I’m not really good at compartmentalizing”. Toralei smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. It was small, but it was something at least.
“You? I never noticed”. Clawdeen smiled back, wider and full of emotion. It was amazing how open the werewolf was with her feelings, she always carried her heart on her sleeve while Toralei kept hers locked away where not even herself could touch it.
“I wanna be something to you”. Her tone was hopeful, her green eyes staring up at Clawdeen.
“You already are. You mean a lot to me”. She put a lock of orange hair behind Toralei’s ear. The gesture was sweet, making the millions of butterflys in her stomach fight for space.
“I mean-“. She paused, licking her lips. It was embarrassing to say it out loud but she was trying her best. She still felt like Clawdeen deserved better than her, but she wanted the other girl so bad she didn’t mind being selfish one more time. “Can I be your person?”
“Like… My girlfriend?”. The werewolf’s smile was so big it took half her face. Her eyes were shining so brightly Toralei almost looked away, unable to face Clawdeen’s clear as day feelings head on.
“Yeah, or would you prefer a mate?” Toralei’s tone was teasing, her hands finding their way to Clawdeen’s waist, under her suit jacket.
“I can be whatever you want me to be. Your girlfriend, your wife, your mate”. Toralei could feel her cheeks and neck getting warm, blushing hard at the other girls words.
“I want you to be my everything”. Clawdeen squished her cheeks together, pecking Toralei’s lips with her own one, two, three times. Toralei couldn’t believe her luck. The first and only thing the universe deemed her good enough of having. “I will be good. I’ll try to be better for you”.
“I believe you”.
They both smiled, lost in each other’s scent, words, touch. Their first meeting wasn’t ideal, nor was the second or the third or any other after that really. They were used to getting under each other’s skin, unable to have a conversation without banter and teasing and pushing and pulling. But they also knew each other. They knew each other’s personalities inside out, Toralei was fluent in werewolf language and Clawdeen was the only person in the entire school who has ever seen all sides of the werecat, the only one capable of shattering her walls down in a single strike. They had a lot to sort out, not everything was going to be easy but, their relationship definitely wasn’t as surprising as everyone might think.