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"Why? Because you have no one left to die for you?"
"No. Because I have nothing left to fear."
He'd thought it was true. There was no need to fear failure if you had already failed.
It had been all that had allowed him to keep his head and win that fight.
But Kanan had never been so relieved to be afraid.
Because he hadn't failed.
Not yet.
The air buzzed. The dangerous kind. The kind that said he needed to get out now. But Kanan was already moving. Not to get out, but to get down. Down to where Ezra lay on that miracle of a bridge.
He landed, already moving towards his padawan when he heard the crackle of Ezra's commlink.
"Ezra! Ezra, talk to me please."
Hera's voice, edged in panic.
Kanan grabbed the commlink with one hand while the other desperately searched for a pulse in Ezra's neck. "I've got him Hera."
"Kanan!" Relief flooded her voice. "Is Ezra ok? Why isn't he—"
"No time," Kanan hated cutting her off but his relief at feeling the thrum of Ezra's heartbeat against his fingers was short lived as the wayward energy from the combusting engine crackled higher up the walls. "Just get Sabine and Zeb out of here. I've got Ezra. We'll find our own way."
"Ok." A pause. "But Kanan…is Ezra…"
Kanan bit his lip. There wasn't a lot of blood, but a fall from that height wasn't a fall you just walked away from. "Just…if you get back before us…prep a med kit, ok?"
"Ok." Hera didn't ask more questions. "Just get yourselves out of there Kanan. We're in a TIE, leaving now. See you on the other side."
"Roger."
The engine's roaring grew louder and the buzz in the air stronger. Not waiting a second more Kanan slipped his arms under Ezra's still form. He cringed as he lifted the teenager and felt the shift of bone were it certainly shouldn’t be. Maybe he should be thankful Ezra was asleep because Kanan had a feeling their exit would be anything but gentle. He clutched the boy to his chest as firmly as he dared.
Kanan sprinted through the ship, alert for any sign of danger, and breathed a sigh of relief as he made it to the hanger unchallenged. He supposed everyone was probably too busy getting off the ship that was about to blow up rather than waste time stopping them.
He searched desperately for some means of escape and his eyes landed on the Inquisitors TIE, the only one left in fact. He made a beeline for the ship climbing up as quick and as gentle as he could. Just as he was trying to figure out the best way to lower Ezra into it, he felt the boy stir and loosened his grip enough to check on him.
"Kanan? Ugh!" Ezra's face contorted in pain, and he tried to curl in on himself which only brought another grunt. The boy’s eyes were foggy and unfocused.
"Hey kid." Kanan projected as much calm as he could into his voice. He tapped that fledgling bond between them, hoping to send some calm through that too only to find Ezra had shut him off. All Kanan felt was the dull throb of pain that the boy couldn’t keep fully hidden.
"Just hold on, ok?” Kanan said. “We're nearly out of here. We're going to take the Inquisitors TIE and catch up with the others."
"Well, seeing as you're here and he isn't I guess we know he won't be using it." Ezra made to laugh then groaned again clutching his shoulder.
Kanan tried not to groan himself at his padawan's ill-timed humour. "Just relax Ezra. We're nearly out of here and then we'll get you fixed up."
Ezra nodded, pain clouding his gaze.
Kanan manoeuvred Ezra as carefully as his could into the TIE. Despite his care he didn't miss the muffled groans and flinches from the boy. But Ezra didn't complain. He didn't ask Kanan to stop. And that made Kanan feel all the worse for it.
But they managed. He went to try and secure Ezra somehow, but the boy waved him off from where he'd pulled himself into a sitting position in the back of the TIE.
"Just get us going Kanan. The others need help outside."
Kanan grimaced but seeing Ezra's hard gaze took his seat at the pilot's chair.
He took them out, and not a moment too soon as the cruiser exploded into a fiery ball behind them. The force of the blast threw the TIE forward and Kanan did his best not to hear Ezra's yelp of pain as he was flung across the ship. Instead, he tried to listen to the commlink to figure out which of the thirty or so TIEs out here held the rest of their crew.
He didn't have to try hard and figured he was pretty safe to blast the two TIEs chasing one painted bright orange.
"We got your back," Ezra said, voice still edged with pain and Kanan’s gut clenched. That dull throb in their bond was only getting stronger.
"Ezra!" Hera gasped. "Are you ok? What—"
"I've…" a pained gasp left the teenager as Kanan took a turn a little tighter than he wanted to. "…been better."
Kanan could feel Hera floundering over the silent comm and quickly asked, "What's the plan Hera? If we don't get out of here soon, we're just going to be target practice for these TIEs."
Sabine replied, "Without Chopper's transport we're going nowhere, fast."
A TIE appeared out of nowhere and Kanan jerked the steering to avoid their blaster shot. His heart roared as a quiet shriek sounded from behind him. Then quiet.
He dispatched the offending TIE with prejudice.
"You still with me Ezra?" He asked, worry growing when he didn’t hear anything from his padawan.
There was a few more moments of quiet, where Kanan was about to screw looking where they were going to check on Ezra, when a quiet, tight, reply sounded.
"Yeah Kanan. Still here. Though a part of me is wondering if that's a good thing."
"I'm sorry," Kanan felt his own voice crack. "I'm trying to be careful."
"Don't Kanan." Ezra's voice was firm. "In pain is better than dead. Just get us out of here. Don't worry about me. I-I can take it." He didn't sound as sure as his words and Kanan felt that wall Ezra had put up flicker.
Pain. Fear. Worry. Dizzy.
Kanan pushed back as much reassurance as he could. Ezra. I’ve got you ok. The wall slammed back up.
“Focus on flying Kanan.”
Before Kanan could chastise Ezra for shutting him out another TIE fired on them. Kanan swerved, waiting with bated breath for another yelp of pain but all he heard was a bang and a quiet groan. Then silence.
Silence to his ears.
And silence through the bond.
"Ezra?"
No reply.
"Ezra!"
Still nothing.
"Hera," Kanan didn't hide his worry from her. "We need to get out of here now."
"I know! I know! Ju—" she cut off as a transport appeared out of hyperspace before them. "Chopper?"
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
The moment they docked Kanan flung himself out of his seat and around to find Ezra lying on the floor. His head was bleeding; it had been before but now it was far worse. The sticky fluid caked the whole right side of his face like a second skin.
Once again favouring speed over kindness—and a small part of him hoping that maybe the jolt would bring Ezra back to consciousness and end that damn silence he had never even noticed before he’d met the boy—he scooped him up and clambered out of the TIE into the transport ship.
Thankful he recognised the ship design he made a beeline for the cockpit where the emergency medical kit would be. He didn't know if it would be of any help—he suspected Ezra was going to need more than some bandages—but it was better than nothing.
He'd barely ripped open the kit, ignoring Chopper's mechanical wailing at the sight of Ezra's still form, when Hera and the others burst through the door.
Hera fell to her knees, hands gently running over Ezra. "What happened?"
"He fell." Kanan tried to rip the cover off the scanner. His voice lowered so only Hera could hear. "I'd thought I'd lost him." His hands were trembling. Why couldn’t he get the damn piece of plastic off this thing!
Hera looked at him, fear filled eyes softening with understanding and she gently pried the scanner from his shaking hands. She plucked the cover off and ran the machine over Ezra. Then she looked at the results and frowned.
"Chop," Hera ordered. "Put me through to Fulcrum." Before Kanan could ask what the scanner had revealed, or what use an intelligence source would be, Hera stood and dashed to the console. A cloaked holofigure appeared.
"Fulcrum. Ezra's been injured. I’m requesting use of a medical bay."
"Granted." Fulcrum didn't hesitate. “We have a ship nearby with facilities. Our squad will escort you.”
Kanan stared at Hera. This was Fulcrum? Not an intelligence source but someone who had enough firepower to pull them out of the mess they'd been in?
And who can help Ezra.
"Sending coordinates now."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Kanan stayed with Ezra when they docked. He didn't let anyone take him when they raced through the halls of the cruiser and he only let go when they reached the promised medical bay and he put his padawan in a bed. Hera led Zeb and Sabine elsewhere, palming off their questions with promises to explain where they were after Ezra had been stabilised.
But Kanan didn't leave the room.
There it was. That fear sitting like a writhing sea of snakes in his gut.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing Ezra.
Fear of that empty, silent, bond.
Ezra had remained silent during the trip no matter how much Kanan tried to rouse him, both with words and through that quiet bond. He'd resorted to simply murmuring words of encouragement. He didn't stop when he was gently shoved aside as the medical staff hooked the teenager up to the surrounding machines. He retreated to the edge of the room, pushing feeling through the bond as medical personnel whispered and med droids zipped about scanning and beeping, spitting out results which the staff read with tight faces. They wiped away the blood from Ezra's head. They poked and prodded and still the boy didn't stir.
And still Kanan whispered.
Hera returned and stood by his side murmuring softly. "It's ok Kanan. They'll help him. He'll be ok." Her hand sought out his, holding it gently as she soothed him.
Kanan hadn't even had a moment to ask who these people were. But he didn’t care. And he couldn’t care less about where they were as long as these people could help Ezra. Hera trusted them. And he trusted Hera.
Besides, with this empty silent bond dragging at his soul, it wasn’t as if Kanan had a choice.
Eventually the scanning stopped. One droid sprayed something on the back of Ezra’s head, right where his wound had been. The personnel stood nearby checking machines, and all Kanan wanted to do was go over and shake them until they told him what in the stars was going on!
“Let them work love,” Hera whispered, her grip on his hand tightening. He obeyed. Because Hera was always right.
"I-I can't lose him Hera. Not when it feels like we just found him." Because that's what that silence felt like. That silence he'd never noticed before Ezra filled it. It felt like a void. A void which Ezra filled with his ill-timed humour, determination, and more than a little heart. He'd provided Kanan purpose that he hadn't even known he'd craved. He'd provided hope for a better future. And if that hope died now?
Kanan returned to his silent whispers.
Eventually one of the medical personnel, a dark-haired human woman, came over to them holding a data pad. As she spoke, she tapped the pad with a stylus as if checking off points.
"He's had a pretty nasty concussion. There was a bleed on his brain, but I think we caught it in time. Any later and we might not have been so fortunate. It also appears he took the brunt of the fall on his shoulder. There's a fair bit of damage, both to bone and soft tissue. But…" she looked up from her slab, a small, tired, smile dancing across her face, "he'll be fine."
Kanan slumped, his head falling into his hands. Thank the stars. He hadn't failed. He felt Hera's hand rubbing small circles on his back and turned to bring her into a hug. Feeling the tears he’d been holding back falling quietly down his face.
"It's ok," she murmured, gripping him tightly as her own tension eased. "He's ok."
As his emotions crashed down, he barely heard the medical personnel saying that they had a bit of work to do to set Ezra’s shoulder back right, but they would let them know when they were done. And finally, his tears dry and his hand still gripping Hera’s, he let himself be led from the room.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Kanan sat numbly in the lounge which Hera had guided him to. The rest of the crew was there, and he'd told them a little more of what had happened. Including that he'd killed the Inquisitor.
It wasn't as if he'd pushed him. But there was no doubt that he'd fallen because of Kanan. And he didn't regret it. He wondered what the old masters would say about that. Then again, his head had never been clearer than in that fight. No anger. No fear. Just the calm, unequivocal fact that he'd had to win.
And he had.
And Ezra was alive.
Kanan sighed, leaning back with a groan as his body reminded himself of his own ordeal. Seeing that Hera was providing what comfort she could to Sabine and Zeb he stood, muffling another groan.
"I'm going to see if they're done with Ezra yet."
Hera peered at him and he wondered if she'd caught him wincing. He got his answer when she nodded. "Maybe get yourself checked out too Kanan. You haven't said anything about your time on that ship."
He flashed her a reassuring smile and left, managing to follow the signs to the medical bay.
Medical staff and med droids still bustled around. Most however, seemed occupied with other tasks as only one droid and the dark haired woman were attending to Ezra.
The woman turned around as Kanan opened the door.
"Master Jedi," Kanan did all he could not balk at the title. Master Jedi was his Master. Or Masters Yoda or Obi-Wan. Not reckless Kanan Jarrus. "I said I would call for you when we were finished."
Kanan hesitated and the woman smiled tightly. "Unfortunately, we have a no visitors during treatment policy."
Kanan ran a hand through his hair. "What about fellow patients?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Are you injured Master Jedi?"
"Normally I'd say I was fine," Kanan admitted. "But I want to be here, and I did spend a fair amount of time on an imperial ship being tortured with a mind probe and then had a fight with an Inquisitor. So, the answer is probably meant to be, yes?"
She blinked at him.
Then she shook her head and tapped out a few notes on her data pad. "You can take the bed next to Ezra. Someone will be along shortly to check on you."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Kanan was given a clean bill of health (other than malnutrition, dehydration, extreme exhaustion and several bruises and sprains) with express instructions to rest. Tallara, the medical woman who'd cared for Ezra and was apparently the head nurse, said he was not to leave the medical bay for at least a day. Kanan couldn't tell if that was actually for his health or because she knew he'd probably sneak back in to be with Ezra anyway.
She'd finished her work with Ezra shortly after Kanan had arrived.
“He should be fine,” Tallara said before she left. “But call us if anything happens.” She patted the boy’s hand before she left and Kanan couldn’t help but smile. Even unconscious Ezra couldn’t help but weasel his way into people’s hearts.
Tallara left and Kanan curled up on his side, watching Ezra’s chest rise and fall. The boy had bandages wrapped around his head and his left arm was in a sling, carefully constructed so that if he moved in his sleep his shoulder should stay immobilised.
It wasn’t good that Ezra was being held together by bandages and stitches, but at least he was breathing. Kanan had never appreciated the simple act of breathing so much. He watched those breaths, still whispering through that silent bond, and fell into his own exhausted sleep.
He woke to a hand running through his hair.
“Hera,” he murmured, dragging himself from sleep.
“Sorry love,” Hera winced. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“No,” Kanan dragged himself to sitting, only then finding that at some point his bed had been dragged closer to Ezra’s. His hand had been resting on the teenager’s chest, feeling that rise and fall. “It’s ok.” He took in the night cycle lights. “What time is it?”
“Too late for either of us to be awake,” Hera admitted.
Kanan, missing her touch scooted over in the bed. There was just enough room for the twi’lek to slip beside him and curl into his side.
They lay in silence for a few moments.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t help with Sabine and Zeb.”
Hera was already shaking her head before he’d finished.
“No. You focus on yourself and Ezra. I’ve got the others.”
“How are they doing?”
“Well enough.”
“And you?”
Hera sighed, snuggling in closer. “We’ll all be much better once you and Ezra are back on your feet.”
Her eyes shuttered and she looked to the sleeping Ezra. “How is he?”
Kanan watched that rise and fall.
“He still hasn’t woken. Tallara said it might take a few days for the swelling in his brain to go down.” He once again looked at how close his bed was to Ezra’s.
“Did you move us closer?”
Hera shook her head sleepily. “It was like this when I got here.” Hera's head dipped but she caught herself before she drifted off. Her arms tightened around Kanan for a moment before she untangled herself from his arms and stood. He reached after her, craving her warmth but she squeezed his outstretched hand and let go. “You won’t get rest with me crammed in there. Not to mention Tallara will give an earful for sneaking in here.”
He laughed softly, already feeling drowsy. “You Hera?” He said in mock astonishment. “Breaking the rules and sneaking in for a secret rendezvous?”
She rolled her eyes but didn’t deign him with an answer. “Go back to sleep Kanan. Ezra needs you healthy to watch out for him.”
Kanan smiled, already drifting off again when he sat bolt upright with a small gasp. Hera paused at the door.
“Kanan?” She asked, then saw where the Jedi was looking. “Is Ezra ok?”
A smile broke across Kanan's face. He felt it. Just a little. The smallest pressure in the bond banishing the awful silence.
“Yeah,” he said. “He’s dreaming.”
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Suddenly the Master Jedi became the clumsiest person in the whole fleet and Tallara didn't know whether to be impressed or annoyed with his whole charade.
He’d vacated his bed the next morning and as he’d left, she’d explained her medical bay’s visiting rules—which she had already bent for him. Not that she'd said anything (plausible deniability), but did he think it was the Force that had moved his and the boy’s beds closer during the night?
Two hours of visitors in the morning. Three in the afternoon. No more than two guests at once (she couldn’t have her medical bay clogged up with obstacles if an emergency was to occur) and for fairness’ sake, one person couldn’t claim both morning and afternoon visitation times. Oh, and no overnight stays.
But after visiting in the morning, Master Kanan somehow dropped a hover crate on his foot (if that was even possible) in the afternoon. He let the lasat sit by the boy’s side the next morning but woke up with a cold that he ‘needed’ medicine for. He fell down a ladder (how does a Jedi fall down a ladder?). Food poisoning (he looked fine). Roughed up Sabine in a sparring match and was actually there to see her (Sabine needs to work on her acting). Got closed in a blast door (nearly). Tripped over a dust droid and ran into a wall (oddly enough that one actually seemed true judging by the bruised shoulder).
Three days after he’d been dismissed from her ward he walked in during her lunch hour with a paper cut (who even used paper these days!) and she’d had enough.
“Dank farrik Master Jedi. Stop this nonsense! As long as you don’t cause a nuisance you can come see the boy whenever you want!”
The Jedi lowered his hand with a sheepish smile.
“During the day only Master Jedi.”
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
He heard the whispers.
He always heard the whispers. The words of encouragement. Of comfort. Compassion. Love.
He felt that steady hand on his chest. Grounding him here. Now. Holding him so he didn't drift away. The pain faded into the background. It wasn't important.
Ezra's eyes drifted open.
Then squeezed shut against the bright lights.
Wait? Bright lights? The Ghost didn't have lights like that.
He bolted upright, alarms blaring and lights blinding.
Where was he? Where was Kanan? He could feel him. He was nearby. He had to find him. Ezra made to swing himself to his feet but ended up crumpling to a heap on the floor as pain flared in his shoulder, in his head. Spots danced before his eyes and when he could see again his vision was filled with a dark-haired woman in a blue and white gown.
"Absolutely not young man. I did not put you back together just for you to follow your Master in his clumsiness."
Ezra frowned. She certainly didn't look imperial. Belatedly he realised he said as much out loud as the woman's eyes narrowed. "I certainly am not imperial, young man. Up we go now." Something about her tone left no room for an alternative and Ezra found himself lifted back into what he now saw was a bed. What he'd mistaken for alarms had been the machines monitoring his heart rate and other vitals. Hence why they'd gone haywire as he'd woken up in a panic.
Was he in a medical bay? He tried to remember what happened. He was with Kanan. They were fighting the Inquisitor…then nothing. Or maybe there was something. Flashes. Falling. Pain. Confusion. Running. Fear. He shook off the darker emotions. Kanan always said it was better to draw strength from the light. He searched the room for some answers. For anything familiar.
His eyes latched onto two metal cylinders sitting on the bed next to him.
Lightsabres.
One was his. And the other…
"Where's Kanan?" he asked the medical woman.
"Oh, I'm sure he'll be here shortly." She pursed her lips. "And just when I was able to get ri—"
The doors slid open with a hiss and the pounding of boots.
"What happened? I felt—" Kanan broke off. "Ezra."
Ezra waved his good arm. "Hey Kanan." His voice was smaller than he would have liked. He tried again. "Where ar—"
His words were swallowed by Kanan's chest as his Master rushed over and threw his arms around him. A flood of emotions tumbled through their bond.
In both directions.
The massive onslaught of feeling made Ezra's eyes prickle, and he desperately tried to fight the tears lest the scary nurse see. But he lost the battle and clutched Kanan's shirt with his good arm.
He didn't know why he was crying. He didn't know why he just felt so relieved at being back in Kanan's arms. But he knew that right now, he didn't want to be anywhere else.
"Don't scare me like that Ezra." Even Kanan's voice was tight.
"I thought fear wasn't the Jedi way, Master?" Ezra couldn't help himself.
"Don't be smart," Kanan chided, holding him a little tighter.
It was then that Ezra felt it. The whispers. The encouragement. The comfort. The grounding hand that kept him from drifting away. It had been Kanan.
He clutched his master’s tunic tighter, burying his head as he pushed his own feelings back through the bond. Gratitude. Reassurance. Love.
"I've got you Ezra. I've always got you."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
A certain head nurse looked on with a smile dancing across her lips despite herself. It faded as she caught some junior staff whispering and pointing and she scowled. She was going to have to bend some more rules again, wasn't she?