Chapter Text
The crew celebrates another enemy pirate ship plundered by partying at the island bar, a common occurrence. Beckman is surrounded by women, which you expected. He’s popular. Another thing you expected is the people surrounding your redheaded captain, Shanks. This is also a common occurrence despite the both of them handling this popularity differently. For Beckman, he’s a lady lover, popularity really used to its full advantage; while Shanks is more mellow. If he’s pent up he’ll go back with someone, if he isn’t then he doesn't; unlike the first mate who goes home with a girl almost every stop. It saves your heart, it saves your mind, but when it does happen it’s only that much more painful. As if for each time he doesn’t go home with someone he’ll suddenly change and say he’s in love with you instead. That has never happened. He goes home with someone and that hope is squashed, again and again.
“Did you really do that?” Someone asks your captain, leaning on him. You notice he hasn’t created distance like he does when not interested knowing the other is.
“Ah c’mon it’s not that impressive. You’re acting like I split the seas!”
‘You’re splitting my heart in half.’ Bitterness and pain seeing the person you’re in love with so close to another. A tickle, a weird feeling, from your heart to your lungs and up your throat until you cough.
Something feels stuck.
You cough more and more until you look up to see your captain looking directly at you.
“You okay there, (Y/n)?” The way he worries, how could you ever blame him for not loving you?
“I inhaled saliva, woops.”
“It’s not supposed to go down that pipe, don’t know if you knew that.” He teases you before going back to the person at his side. A thought crosses your mind that you should’ve exaggerated so he’d worry about you more, ignoring that flirty piece at his side for you.
Your throat tickles again but before you can cough the redhead stands up with his selected person, winking at you on the way out. You smile back at him. It hurts.
A while after he leaves you yawn, something is making you more tired than usual; perhaps what happened affected you more than usual.
“I’m gonna head back to the ship.” A few crewmates boo at you. “What? I worked hard when we fought, I can’t sleep a little?” They boo more but you stand up anyway,
Boooooo
it fades as you walk back to the ship. What’s wrong with you? You’ve been feeling this tickle in your lungs and throat every so often but this is the first time you’ve actually coughed that hard. Something feels too off, blocked.
Once you’re back in the ship you go to Hongo's office for some cough drops like you have before everytime you get annoyed by the coughing but the moment you open them a throb of pain aches in your lungs.
You need to cough, now.
Your body leans over as you clutch your chest, your throat spasms as you cough. Coughing, coughing, coughing so much it hurts. Your lungs feel like they’re gonna collapse with each one but you can’t stop it. It hurts, it hurts, you can’t breathe properly. Finally, something comes out.
…A petal?
That’s all it was? Why would this be so hard to get out? It felt like there was way more to-
COUGH
You hack up bunches of the petals into your hand as they make way up your throat, something opening it up and forcing a poison into you that keeps your throat open and vulnerable. Even when it finally stops, your esophagus is still wide open. You can’t close it properly.
Like a pathway, a tunnel.
You rub your chest, trying more to close it but unable to. The fuck is wrong with you? At this point the cough drops aren’t going to do anything. Actually you’re likely past that point the moment the petal came out. An object is stuck inside your lungs. You can’t even breathe properly.
___________________
“It’s Hanahaki disease.” Hongo states after checking your throat despite being hungover from yesterday. Not that it matters anymore, everything feels small to him now that he’s figured out what’s happening to his crewmate.
“What?” A stressed doctor is about the worst sign you can get after a check-up.
“A fatal disease that infects when you have an unrequited love. The only way to get rid of it is for the love to be requited or have surgery to remove the flower itself. The side effect of forceful removal..” The doctor is hesitating to tell you. “The side effect is you lose all memory of the person you had unrequited love for.” Horrible news fitting that sign.
“...What?” There’s no way. “What do you mean by ‘lose all memory’. What if I have tons of memories of that person, it can’t just all disappear!” Hongo shakes his head grimly. “Hongo! That’s impossible! Tell me it’s impossible, right!?”
“If there's too many memories with the person you love then the ones remaining will be altered to remove them.” Shanks is your captain, your love, that can’t be. “Even if the altering is so severe that you turn into a different person with a completely different past. I don’t want to tell you this but-”
“That’s what’d happen.”
“That’s what I was afraid of. If worst comes to worst you could even forget you’re a pirate and make up a backstory you’ve lived an entirely different life.” Hongo cleans his medical tools away despite shaky hands. “It’s the only way you’d live unless your love is requited, the disease is too rare for it to be studied properly and can happen anywhere in the world so it can’t be tracked either. I only know of it because of my curiosity. The most I can do is monitor while giving medicine that can slow the progress down.” Once his tools are put away he sits back down, putting his hands on his lap. “You’re an adult. I can’t make this choice for you.”
“It can’t happen. The love won’t be requited. I’ve seen them ignore it over and over.” The doctor clenches his jaw.
“Then try again, seduce them, court them, anything. You’ll die otherwise if you’re going to refuse the surgery.” You lean back on the bed against the wall.
“It won’t work.” If you try it’ll be obvious who you’re in love with, you can’t put that kind of pressure on someone you vowed your loyalty to; especially when he’s sacrificial enough to give himself away to save you. You can’t do that to him. Even if only the others find out then you’d be putting the pressure on them if they should tell the captain, to give up on his happiness and sanity for a forced relationship, or your life. There’s no telling if a forced one would work in the first place. Hongo looks like he wants to argue but decides against it.
“I’m going to make your medicine today, come back for it early tomorrow to take before you eat.” You nod and leave. Everything feels fuzzy, distant, like you’re not in your body even when you move. A pilot controlling a body instead of the body itself. Disassociated from reality.
Is.. this it?
You always felt like you were dying every time you saw your love leave with someone, every time you realized that he isn’t going to return your feelings, but now you’re actually dying. Not by a strong enemy or the grand line weather or even possibly old age, but killed by your own unrequited feelings; and the only way to stop it would just be to kill yourself in another way. Is the you without memories even you? Is it selfish to not want to have the surgery even if it would give Shanks a bit more peace that you’re alive, just because you don’t want to lose him. Not yourself, not memories of your crew, not the timeline of your past that would be altered, but him. You don’t want to lose him.
Cough
You are now on limited time to come to terms with your mortality. The seeds of longing planted in the pockets of your lungs and the way they grow from buds to roots that will sap your life away til you breathe your last won’t wait for you. Not anymore.
____________________
The more you see Shanks the worse you feel, a mix of guilt and despair that you’ll die simply because he’ll never love you. It hurts you to not see him, you want to be near him more now that you’re to die, but it’s only fertilizer for what’s inside you; they’ve started being noticeably bloody and you’re getting pale.
“(Y/n)!” The love blooming inside of you at his voice has you holding in a cough to swallow a petal. You turn and see the cause. “You haven’t looked too good lately, you feeling alright?” He knows that you’re avoiding him, you can tell, he’s choosing not to mention it.
“I’ve just been feeling bad, I don’t want to worry you.” A more censored version of the truth since you don’t want him to think you hate him before you die.
“You don’t have to worry about my mental state when you’re sick, you’re my friend along with being on this crew.” He grins.
Stab
A root pierces through the sponge of your alveoli.
“Thank you.” He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly but visibly looks better now that he knows you aren’t mad at him. For a moment he’s about to say something before he coughs. You pat his back quickly but he waves you off.
“Saliva went down the wrong pipe.” He says, shuffling with something in his pocket. A handkerchief, he coughs into it then puts it away quickly.
“Should I get you water?”
“I already got it out. Besides, I’m talking with you right now. If I’m not a doctor like Hongo I might as well cheer you up, right?” He smiles happily.
The two of you talk before you excuse yourself. Once you’re gone the smile on Shanks’s face fades, he reaches for the handkerchief. Inside it is a blotch of blood covered petals.
“Dammit.”
_____________
Shanks fans his face after having taken cold medicine from Hongo. He lied and avoided a proper check up, giving fake symptoms so that the doctor wouldn’t be suspicious of his coughing and weakness. It hurts, but he can handle this. It’s not like he can afford to die now, of course he’s gonna survive. Maybe a year or two, sounds good. Covering his lungs in armament haki when he feels it start to grow is draining him when the flower already is, but it’s slowing down the progress.
“You caught a cold?” You ask the captain, worried.
‘He’s sick too, perfect excuse.’ “Yeah, guess I caught what you got. We’ll both be sick for a while.” He’s really got to figure out how to look normal for 2 years. You make a face at him, he doesn’t know that your illness is Hanahaki.. but neither do you know his is as well. You end up chalking it up to a random illness he’s gotten at an island but you’ll need to check in on Hongo to convince him to give a proper check. The doctor has been overwhelmed with your condition but you don’t want that to stop help to the redhead.
“Maybe. Just take the medicine, I’m taking some from Hongo too. It can be specialized if he checks on you more.” Your captain almost flinches but brushes it off again.
“A cold is a cold, I’m not weak enough to need some specialized medicine.”
“I am?”
“Not.. what I meant.” You backed him into a corner. You really want him to be healthy. Dying with the worry of him being sick would be horrible. “If I get bad enough I’ll go to him. Promise.” The redhead has a feeling he won’t be able to hide it for the rest of his life, but he could pass it off as a chronic illness so that he isn’t known as the man who died from heartbreak; and from being in love with one of his subordinates, no less. You’ll all be painted as the crew that had to lose their captain because of that, because of you. What if they blame you? He doesn’t want that. He’d rather you cry a little, mourn with the crew, then party and move on by falling in love with someone else that isn’t your aging broken captain.
Shanks pulls out his handkerchief and coughs into it again, putting it back quick enough for you to not see the blood or petals.
“I worry about you.” You say softly and his heart stings.
“I know.”
_________________________________
You’re getting worse. You don’t have the level of skill and strength as your captain to protect yourself as he is, nor the same exact obligation as the captain does for motivation; there’s mostly acceptance you’ll be on this crew, watch him, and die. It’ll hurt him to watch you die and you know that he’d rather you live and forget him but you can’t. You’re selfish. You want to keep him in your mind even if it causes his own detriment. The only thing worrying you at the moment is his sickness. Shanks has gotten sick before, bacteria and viruses don’t typically care about your conqueror or armament haki, but he’s still got an overall healthy body; despite all of the drinking. Him walking around instead of causing a big fuss about it is a huge red flag as well, most of the time he says everything is okay with him is when things are either absolutely insignificant or the most not okay he could ever be depending on how much he acts fine.
A kinda bad papercut?
“I’m dyinnggg I’m gonna die. We’ll need to amputate my only remaining arm. Maybe even a leg.”
Stabbed in the chest?
“Don’t overreact so much~ This’ll barely be noticeable when it heals. Hardly even needed the surgery.”
You’re trying to figure out which one it is right now. It’s harder to tell considering it also depends on how emotional people around him get about it as well.. at this point you’d have better luck pretending it doesn’t matter at all to you to get him to show any signs.
Yeah, you’ll use that tactic.
________________
You hang out with Shanks, he coughs a few times into his handkerchief; it’s worrying you but you have to hold it in.
“I’ve been coughing too, kind of annoying when you’re trying to talk.” He looks at you for a moment as if to analyze if you’re stressed, then huffs.
“Oh absolutely.” You’re in. “Getting a cough while talking freezes my train of thought.” Good, he’s actually complaining. “It’s been taking everything in my body to not stutter, the men would mimic me to the bottom of the sea.”
“I personally don’t stutter even if I cough.”
“Caught your voice cracking once.” He chuckles, then leans back casually. “I’ve just got it way worse than youuu~”
“You’re such a baby.”
“No making fun of the Captain.” He jokingly orders before coughing again. Okay, here’s your big gamble.
“I don’t really worry about it, even some blood is fairly normal if you’re coughing a lot.” There’s a pause, then he looks at you in a way like he’s actually a little hurt.
“Have you been coughing up blood?” Still worrying over you first.
“Kinda, are you?”
Badump
Badump
Badump
“A.. bit.” He mumbles. You got him to give something away! Not that you’re happy that you were right. “Do you really not think it’s a big deal?”
‘Uh oh, now I made him insecure.’ “Well–uh, it’s not like I like you coughing up blood, nor do I like coughing up blood. At least we’re suffering together, right?” You scoot closer to him. He still seems troubled but smiles a bit. You suddenly get a huge urge to cough and hack into your own cloth, checking it quickly for petals before putting it away to hide the red.
“Was that the blood?” Urgh. You pull out the cloth and show it to him, it’s more blood than you expected. He grabs onto the cloth with wide eyes. “This—isn’t a normal amount of blood.”
“I’ve got plenty of it already.” You shrug and he looks almost angry at you.
“No this isn’t-“
“You’re coughing up blood too.” That makes him stop, speaking quieter after a moment.
“It isn’t as bad as this.” It’s going to hurt you to say this.
“Even if it was, I wouldn't worry about it.” You clench your fist afterwards. Shanks stares at you, then looks away.
“Yeah. I’m.. just go see Hongo-“ He stands and suddenly doubles over, hacking more violently than you ever have.
“Shanks!” You stand up and hold him, trying to do anything, starting by patting his back. It sounds like he’s choking on something. “Shanks hold on I-I’m gonna get someone!” He grabs onto you, his face slightly pale and fearful, but it was a mistake; he only has one hand and it’s no longer able to cover his mouth.
HACK
He coughs up blood. In the middle of the splotch is a small singular flower. You stare at it.
“..shanks? what.. what is that?” He coughs a little more before standing up straight.
“I was drinking tea, must’ve-“
“Hanahaki.” You state and he stops. “You have Hanahaki disease.” The coughing, the mention of blood, the way he was so adamant on not being seen for absolutely anything, the hiding of his hand. He wasn’t just hiding blood he was hiding petals; and coughed up a whole flower. His is more progressed than yours.
The love of your life is dying.