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Soft shaking of the mattress were what woke Bertel up. He turned around aimlessly, trying to figure out what the cause of it was before finally identifying soft sobs. They washed away his sleepiness. He blinked.
“Benjamin?”, he asked into the silence.
No answer.
Bertel pushed the blanket aside and searched for his partner, finally found the dent, reached out his hand in the direction until he found Benjamin’s hip.
“Are you alright?”, he asked as kindly as he could. Bertel wasn’t very good at comforting people he had always been the one to make them laugh. And he had no idea what the problem was now. Benjamin was just… crying. “Hey.”
Benjamin turned on his back, his knees close to his chest. He was staring at Bertel with those big blue eyes of his. The moon was bright enough to reflect in them. Bertel had to take a moment to focus on being a good partner. He scooted closer to Benjamin and pulled him into his lap. The blanket fell off him but Benjamin was only reaching for Bertel’s body. “It’s okay”, Bertel promised, “It’s going to be okay.”
Another sob cut his words. Benjamin’s tears were soaking Bertel’s pajamas now, wet and cold tears, he had curled inside his lap. “What’s wrong, babe?”
“I don’t—”, Benjamin gasped for air so Bertel took it slow. He stroked gently over his back, stared over his shoulder to the opposite side of the room and tried humming a bit to catch Benjamin’s attention.
“It’s okay baby, just keep crying, let it all out. I am here.” Benjamin cried harder. “I am here for you, baby.”
It broke Bertel’s heart to see him like this. All of the sudden, with no warning, Benjamin was his sunshine, what was giving Bertel’s life purpose. He admired him, was grateful everyday that Benjamin returned the feelings and wanted them to be together. Bertel would do everything for him. He didn’t want to see Benjamin sad. Benjamin wasn’t supposed to be sad.
Benjamin was grabbing his clothes and Bertel tried to let it all happen and give him what he needed. He was glad that he had woken up from the cries. He couldn’t imagine Benjamin going through this alone while he was just happily asleep. “What does the tiger say to the lion during a round of poker?”
“Ha?”, Benjamin’s sobs stopped.
“I asked what the tiger says to the lion during a round of poker.”
“I don’t know…”
“Don’t lie to me.” Benjamin groaned. It was half a laugh but also half crying. “Do you want a hot chocolate? It might make you feel better?”
Benjamin nodded against his chest. Bertel tried to get up without dropping Benjamin. They lived in their shared flat. It still wasn’t very cosy here, boxes, missing furniture and barely any decoration. But it was their flat. Just for the two of them. Bertel carried Benjamin to the kitchen, opened the doors with his elbow. Benjamin’s soft blanket had somehow survived the travel so when Bertel placed his partner on the kitchen counter he pulled the blanket into place to wrap over his shoulders.
In the light of the kitchen Benjamin looked even more miserable. His eyes were swollen and his cheeks were red. Bertel held his waist, standing between his legs, and kissed him. The kiss was salty and in another setting Bertel might have liked that but this wasn’t the type of tears he wanted to see. Benjamin wasn’t supposed to be like this.
One big tear rolled down his cheek and Bertel caught it with his thumb before it could reach his chin. He smiled at Benjamin who didn’t return it.
“Why a tiger?”, Benjamin asked.
“I don’t know”, Bertel grinned his special grin. He only wanted to cheer Benjamin up, distract him enough to stop crying, find some senses again. Maybe talk about why he was crying.
As far as Bertel knew Benjamin didn’t have nightmares, their financial situation was good, Bertel’s company was exploding with sales since he had remarked his one of a kind product as a multipurpose-outdoor-parkour cloth. Which wasn’t even a lie, Benjamin and his band were booking bigger and bigger venues. There was no objective reason to cry. There didn’t have to be one, sometimes crying was just the best thing.
As long as Benjamin still liked himself.
Bertel got out two big mugs, a pot. He started to boil some oat milk, Benjamin’s favourite, on the stove, kept stirring every now and then while also getting the other ingredients. Even sprinkles and whipped cream.
He created the most beautiful two hot chocolates that were actually chocolate-y. Not just pretend.
“Okay babe”, he pulled Benjamin off the kitchen counter to their living room, turned on the fairy lights, the one warm lamp in the corner and prepared the pillows nicely. Then hurried to get their drinks. “I gave you the rainbow sprinkles.”
“I love you”, Benjamin said.
“I love you too”, Bertel wanted to kiss him but Benjamin leaned out of the approach before their lips could meet.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“What?”
“You’re too good for me. You’re a rich old man who has his life together. You sold your house just for me, you do all these things, you love me, and there is nothing I can give you back.”
He was afraid of his greatness.
“Benjamin, did you hear what I said? I love you?” Bertel’s hand was lingering on the backrest, inches way from touching Benjamin’s shoulder. “We do everything together, what mine is is yours. It was the better decision and the house didn’t have style nor stable walls. You could have plastered it entire insides and wouldn’t have noticed a difference.”
Bertel wished Benjamin could see himself the way he saw him. Beautiful. Every tiny detail about him was beautiful.
Benjamin’s laugh was dry and ugly and that was made him so beautiful. Bertel couldn’t look away from him. It was past midnight and he was forty-four years old and had nothing better to do than watching this beautiful, beautiful, young, capable man laugh over his awful joke.
Bertel wanted to be nowhere else.
“Is that why you were crying?”
He shrugged, more tears left his eyes. Bertel took him in his arm and stole a sip from his hot chocolate because he couldn’t reach his own right now. “There is no one whom I would have wanted to share my life with, other than you. You’re perfect.”
His sigh was displeasant. Benjamin still didn’t believe him. Bertel would tell him so many times, he wouldn’t ever get tired of it. Until Benjamin would believe it.
And until then; they could still just live.