Work Text:
"I will love you till I die
And I will love you all the time
So please put your sweet hand in mine
And float in space and drift in time"
You and Motoko have been working partners for years. You two also had lingering feelings for each other. It was a taboo thing, and very much not allowed to have any sort of romantic relations in this line of work with a coworker, but she was stoic enough to push her feelings down and keep your guys' relationship strictly friendly and professional.
Of course, the constant flirting wasn't anything special. She did it with everyone. She told herself it was a part of her personality, the fact she did it to you was no different than when she'd tease the other members in the crew. It was just playful teasing. Keeping you at an arms length.
At least that was the plan.
That failed though and eventually you two were staying at each other's houses, and always engaging in physical intimacy. It bugged her, not wanting to jeopardize both your careers, but she just couldn't win that mental battle. She would set a boundary for herself, and commit to it, until the next day came along, and you were sleeping in her bed, again.
One particular morning, after a pretty intense session of lovemaking, she was wide awake. Staring at the ceiling. Thinking. That signature blank stare of hers, eyes boring into the ceiling. Both of your naked bodies entangled, as you snore softly against her neck, your arm draped over her torso. The slow rise and fall of her stomach, and your warm breath ghosting her collar set a soft, peaceful mood. Although, her mind was anything but.
It had been 4 months of this. She was scolding herself mentally. It went from a one night stand, to a stress relief, to something more. You two didn't call it a relationship or anything. She hated labels, and you knew to stay away from that as much as possible, lest you get on her nerves.
Another thing that scared her, was the difference in humanity. She was practically fully synthetic, asides from her soul. You hardly had any enhancements in your body. Other than Togusa, you were one of the most human out of the whole crew. Asides from the plug in the back of your neck, and some cabling embedded in your arms, you were nearly whole. There was no way this could ever be a good idea.
She finally turns her head to look at you sleeping next to her, your arm draped over her waist. You were always clingy the morning after. Her synthetic heart feels heavy with conflicting emotions. A tiny, foreign ache filling her ribs.
A soft sigh escapes her lips, she whispers to herself
"This attachment... it's becoming dangerous."
Her fingers trace soft, gentle patterns on your arm as she battles with her internal programming. It's practically screaming atte her to maintain distance and to halt her growing attachment.
She sighs quietly, again, fighting the urge to kiss your forehead. Not even a year ago, the thought of her being so... Soft, would disgust her. A small part of her felt weak for falling so hard.
You stir in your sleep, gripping her waist harder, pulling her closer for more warmth. In an instant, she pulls her hand away, and goes back to staring at the ceiling. Your eyes lazily, and slowly open up. A soft groan escapes you as your fresh eyes adjust to the light.
"Morning..."
You mutter, Still groggy.
Motoko just stays, staring at the ceiling. Her usual, blank demeanor returning.
"Good morning."
Her eyes briefly dart to the side to look at you, before returning to the ceiling. Your arm briefly leaves her waist to rub your tired eyes. Letting out a soft yawn, and stretching your legs. You drape your arm around her again, lazily looking at her.
"...how'd you sleep...?"
She still doesn't meet your gaze. Still glued to the ceiling.
"I slept fine"
She lies. She's been awake for hours, and was still having a thousand thoughts a second about the two of you guys' status, and what this constant sleeping around meant. You squint, lightly poking her forehead.
"Are you sure? Why won't you look at me then?"
She grabs your wrist softly. Closing her eyes and sighing, before opening them again, and moving your hand back down. She turns her head, making eye contact with you, her unblinking eyes.
"I'm sure."
Well that doesn't feel very convincing.
She lets go of your hand, sitting up at the edge of her bed.
"We should get ready for work."
She grabs her discarded uniform from the side of her bed. A feeling of stress fills your chest. While she's usually monotone and emotionless, this felt way different. You sit up, looking at her back facing you.
"Are you upset at me?"
She stops moving. Holding her jacket in her lap. You can see her shoulders tense for a bit, before she finally responds. A cold, monotone reply.
"No. I'm not upset."
Fuck. That isn't helping either.
Your brain runs through as many scenarios as possible to what you could've possibly done to upset her.
"Was I too rough or something last night? If I was I-"
She cuts you off sharply. Finally turning her head slightly to meet your gaze.
"No. You weren't. It isn't that."
Her grip on her jacket is much harsher now, her knuckles white. You both sit there, the silence is suffocating. You break the silence again.
"Can you just tell me? You seem upset. I'll listen, you know I love-"
She finally whips her head around to face you, cutting you off harshly.
"Don't. Please don't say that..."
There's a combination of distress, and fear in her gaze. This is everything she feared. What was supposed to just be physical relief, a distraction, stemmed way too far.
She lets out a soft sigh.
"Y/N Please... I can't do this right now... We can't keep complicating things with labels... Or whatever this is called..."
Motoko just stares at the floor, before standing up.
"I need to shower... You should get changed..."
She stands, trudging over to her bathroom. She opens the door and is about to step in, you force out a whisper.
"Motoko... Please don't shut me out..."
She freezes. Her hand against the door frame, back facing you. She closes her eyes briefly, sighing. Her jaw clenches, before she finally whispers back to you.
"I'm not shutting you out... I'm protecting us both... The higher ups would terminate us if they knew. This is already a risk as is, that's why I can't..."
Her voice trails off. Her synthetic heart giving her another foreign aching feeling. She shuts her eyes softly again, another sigh leaving her. She finishes her thought, her voice strained.
"I can't let myself keep falling for you..."
Silence.
You both linger, soft breathing filling her room. Motoko lets out another harsh sigh, before stepping into the bathroom, shutting the door.
You sit on her bed, your body aching with stress. You force yourself to pick up your discarded clothes, changing for work. You can hear the shower running quietly on the other side of the door.
Minutes pass, and Motoko returns eventually, dressed, hair slightly damp. Her gaze moves to you, still keeping her mask of indifference that she always has at work.
She finally speaks up, breaking the awkward tension.
"You should be changed already. We have to be at work in an hour."
You both just sit around in silence again. She stares at the floor, you can tell she's overthinking things again.
Your voice cuts through the silence.
"...I just want to know what you feel. Why can't you just say it?"
That elicits a sigh from her. Her eyes closing periodically, before she looks up at you. Her voice a timid whisper.
"Because I never expected to feel this way for anybody... It's unbecoming of what should be expected of my nature... And I'm scared that my feelings will cloud my judgement...."
Another period of too-long silence fills the atmosphere of her room as you silently process her words, before she breaks that again. She tries to sound confident again, but her voice fails her, a mere whimper tainting her tone.
"...I love you..."
She looks absolutely ashamed of herself. The most human you've ever seen her, and it had to be when she was emotionally cracking. It did feel a bit strange, but a part of you felt proud of being able to break through that synthetic facade she always put up.
You stood, lightly pushing yourself off of her bed, and embracing her. The ferocity in which she gripped your shoulders would have you thinking she was fighting for her life in any other scenario. Her face firmly buried in your chest as she took deep, measured breaths. You softly rubbed her back, whispering back to her.
"I love you too."