Archive of Our Own

 "I'm calling it now. This is the worst possible universe. We have officially found it, and it's ours." Tony Stark, announcer extraordinaire, stands before a miniature black hole where it floats in his best living room, belching out crackheads, robots, multiple species of wizard, his sworn enemies, mutants, professional athletes, Harry Potter, the Irish, the Japanese, RUSSIANS, gingers, incomprehensible horrors, and some people who don't know when to put the vuvuzela down.

"Sir, I do believe you may be exaggerating a tad." says JARVIS, while his creator is dodging the blow of a sword weilded by a giant ginger cosplaying as a knight templar. The sword smashes into one L-shaped sofa after another, sending puffs of fluff into the air, a circumstance that eventually results in the billionaire playboy dumbass preserving his life when the knight sneezes. Two seconds later an Iron Man suit flies through the window, shattering the glass. It flies into the King in Yellow who has just slithered out of the void, transforming it into an Eldritch Man suit.

"Stop! You've broken the law!" shouts a guard in grey armour, before charging at Eldritch Man, sword raised, only to be flung out an unbroken window, causing an identical guard to spawn, who attempts the same thing all over again.

"I killed my wife." says a blond man, who very sadly sits down on a destroyed sofa, sadass music playing. Harry Potter sits beside him in the sad music sphere, and waits for someone to tell him he has his mother's eyes.

Beings, entities, quote unquote 'people' keep pouring out through the hole in the universe, and Tony begins to sweat seriously when Wanda Maximoff and her latest boy toy begin eye him in a hostile manner. But Tony is a genius, and as such he concocts a temporary solution, a solution which will have to do until JARVIS can source enough sealant for the hole in the multiversal wall.

"Hey! A round on the house from me!" he yells, just as a tiny monkey prince begins screaming, and looking like he's not going stop any time this century.

Mr Bean offers his hand for a shake, his grin uncanny in the extreme.

"Many rounds!!" shrieks Tony.

An hour later, the disaster is somewhat calmed by the application of numbing alcohol. Somewhat, as things keep stepping through the hole and tempers continue to flare.

"Okay, first of, we need to know what type of clown show, I mean freak show, I mean travelling theme park we have here. I'm making a list. You people talk amongst yourselves." Tony, sitting on a zebra print pouffe because everywhere else is taken, crosses his legs elegantly and flips open a writing pad. His many guests look around, and things might erupt into further chaos if Ron Weasley didn't happen at that moment to drop his pocket set of wizard chess. Soon the wizards and eldritch entities and knights and women are populating the remains of the tables with more and better chess sets, and everyone is pairing up to duel. Several fights break out over who gets to battle whom, and a foul mouthed robot is sliced to pieces by a cowboy samurai while several Irishmen sneak off in the direction of Tony's safes.

Heedless, Tony draws a wobbly series of lines across an already lined page.

WIZARDS

• Harry Potter

• Azazel

• Loki

• Bruce Wayne

GINGERS

• Ser Mettin

• Ronald Weasel

• Titan

• Wanda Maximoff

• Kratos

• Cap (Honorary)

THE JAPANESE

• Kamikaze

• Vegeta

• Masayoshi Shido

JOKERS

• Joker

• The Joker

• The Courier

THE IRISH

• Colin Moriarty

• James Moriarty

• Jim Moriarty

THINGS

• Hastur

• Jyggalag

• Hawke

• Mr Bean

RUSSIANS

• Igor Karkaroff

• Yuri Karkaroff

• Nikolai Volkov

MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRLS

• Viktor Krum

• Megan Gwynn

• Infestation

ROBOTS

• Bender

• Rita Skeeter

• James Sunderland

TODD HOWARD

• Clavicus Vile

• Tom Riddle

Once he's done listing all the freaks and geeks, Tony sucks his pen for a while so that his brain can come up with a way to get rid of the gatecrashers. Never mind that he tore a hole in the fabric of reality, one does not need to step into random wormholes just because they're there. But all he can visualize is the game he'd been playing before getting up and choosing violence against himself - Starfield.

"Aaaah…" Everyone and everything is clustered around one particular table, where the one calling himself Clavicus Vile duels the one calling itself Tom Riddle. Two pale, skinny schemers use the medium of marbles to enact their will across a checkerboard. Sidling up to the least violent ginger he can find, Tony thrusts a console controller into his pallid hand. "Ronald Weasel. Save the day, would you?"

Ron, who played chess against a Moriarty and subsequently experienced his own personal Renaissance, stares at the muggle object in his hand. So, the time has finally come. All those years of playing witness to his father's eccentricities, all those years of watching Harry save the day, has lead to this moment. This one shining moment when he shall not only save the world, but all worlds.

"Distract them." he utters, in a voice of great portent, before marching off towards the black hole and his destiny.

"Of course." reaching into a trouser pocket, Tony pulls out several thousand dollars in Roblox gift cards, and tosses them at his unsuspecting guests. Amongst them, there is not one who will not sell their mother for a single Robux. A scuffle of monumental proportions begins as men and women and eldritch space devils go crawling around the floor, screaming about money.

Meanwhile, Ron Weasley scrolls down on the menu of the black hole and clicks 'New Game+'.