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“When you were younger, before all of this, before infections and Raccoon City and the mountains, before everything went to shit, what did you see when you thought of your future?”
Leon was naked, wrapped up in Chris’ large arms, safe and in their shared bed. He could feel the entirety of his lover pressed against him, from head to toes, his favorite place to be though he would never admit it out loud. He doesn’t know where the question had come from or why he blurted it out, he hadn’t even been thinking about it, at least he didn’t think he had been.
Chris barely paused in his nuzzling of his nose in Leon’s hair, it was so rare that they got time like this to just fully enjoy each other. He took a moment to think, it’d been many, many, years since he thought of a future beyond dying in the field. Even now, with Leon, there was little chance of a different option, no matter how much he hoped and god did he hope.
“It’s almost hard to remember at this point, Leon. But, I think I would've pictured a small house, a wife- don’t huff, baby, it was a different time and you know it-and two kids. A boy and a girl, named after my parents. I think I would’ve stayed with STARS until I retired and worked on my bike as a hobby.”
He ran one of his hands along Leon’s side, pressed a kiss into the younger man’s hair. “What did you picture when you were young? A handsome man sweeping you off your feet? Saving people as a cop?” He let out a little laugh into the soft hair.
The younger man stiffened, he didn’t know how to answer. It’s not that he didn’t have an answer, it’s just that he’s never said those words aloud. Would Chris pity him? Would he think he’s fucked in the head? And yet, despite this fear, he wanted to tell him.
“You’ll probably think I’m crazy, or fucked up or something but I-” He took a deep breath, held up a hand to keep Chris from talking when he tried to say something. “Ever since I was young, too young, whenever I pictured my future I never saw a partner or kids or a happy life. I would picture my future self, so clearly as though it was a premonition, standing in a small kitchen preparing coffee for two. I would set out two plates, two cups, two of everything. When I’d go to pour the coffee, I’d pour one then go to pour the other. I’d pause, my hands would shake, the cup would drop and shatter. I’d put the pot on the table and collapse to the floor, crying, remembering that I’m alone now. I’d be hit with the crushing memory that my partner is dead, that setting the table for two was nothing but muscle memory.”
His face felt wet, bringing a hand up, he realized he was crying. Chris was holding him tighter, running his hands along his body in soothing motions.
“I-I never saw a future where the person I’d end up loving survived.” He forced out a bitter laugh, no humor in it. “I definitely needed therapy, probably would’ve gotten it if I had ever told anyone before now.”
Chris’ heart was breaking, he was so sad for young Leon, and for current Leon who he loved with all his heart. He wanted to reassure him, let him know that he wasn't going anywhere, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t promise that he would make it home from the next mission. Just like how Leon couldn’t promise it either.
“Leon- I-I can’t-I wish I could-” He tried to get some words out, he felt like the words were choking him. He pressed another kiss to Leon’s head, held him even closer.
“It’s okay, Chris. I know you can’t promise anything. I knew when we started this that I might be dooming myself to a self-fulling prophecy but- Chris” he grabbed the older man’s face and looked him in the eyes “It’s worth it, it’s worth every second of possible future pain to just be here with you now.” He leaned in and kissed Chris’ lips. “I can’t promise my next mission won’t be my last either and I hope it’s worth it for you too.”
Chris surged in, desperate lips meeting Leons, hoping to pour every ounce of his love into the other man through the kiss. One of them deepened the kiss, both too lost in it to know which of them did it. They kissed like it could be their last, like they would never again get this chance. Neither of them had a mission lined up but in their world that meant very little.
They only separated when the need for air became too strong to ignore, pulling back just enough to take in a shared breath.
‘Leon-Leon, it’s worth it. You’re worth it. No matter how our futures turn out, this, us, it’s worth every possible chance of pain.”
Leon pulled him back in for a chaste kiss. “You give me hope, Chris, that maybe, despite all odds, just maybe, our future could be happy.”
Here, in Chris’s arms, warm and safe, he let himself picture a happier life for himself.