Chapter Text
“Welcome back to country drag, y’all.” Jedediah began, as he did with every video.
“Today’s tutorial is gon’ be a little more loosey goosey relaxed, as we have ourselves a special new palette as a gift from y’all that I am rarin’ to try out.” As he fished around his setup for his foundation, he continued. “Once again, I’m real grateful to all of y’all for yer support of the channel. We are so close to hittin’ that five million subscriber mark, and that is makin’ my heart go pitter patter quicker than a roadrunner being chased by Wile E. Coyote.
“Now, what yer gonna need for starters, if you’re one ‘o them folks followin’ along at home, is some primer. This works best if it also contains moisturizer. That stuff feels real nice on the face, and it’s good fer you too, like peas and carrots. Just get that…everywhere you think yer goin’ with yer foundation in our next step. I only go fer the moneymaker, but some folk like to put it on their neck too, make things all even Steven in the skin tone department.
“Next up in this round up is the foundation. Fer today, I’m thinkin’ we go fer a sorta 2000s club girly, so we are goin’ in real hard on the foundation this time ‘round. This ain’t my skin tone by a long holler, so I don’ wanna see no ‘monkey see, monkey do’ horseradishes runnin’ wild, ya hear?” He menacingly pointed the foundation bottle at the camera. “And before y’all flip yer lids and boil yer kettles, I did shave before hittin’ record. Ol’ Jedediah always goes in smoother’an a baby’s behind.” He winked at the camera and clicked his tongue roguishly. The comments always went nuts for that stuff, and he was never one to disappoint. He had initially been nervous, doing this YouTube gig, but he had come to love it over the years. It helped pay the bills during the off season when no one needed a ranch hand, and it had turned out being mighty fun too.
Back in his bedroom, he screwed the cap back on the foundation. “Alrighty then, that’ll hafta do. If I coulda gotten my hands on some o’ that glowy foundation stuff, that wouldda been mighty fine. If I wanna do this again, I’ll have to pull a highway robbery on my sisters the next time I see ‘em.
“Nows that we’ve got that color blended onto the face, we’d normally go in with the concealer, but I don’t ‘spose there’s a concealer in my makeup bag that could possibly match this.” He gestured to his face, which was as bronzed as a prairie sunrise. Geez, he really had gone too hard this time. “We gon’ skip that step fer now, but it’ll be just fine. The foundation’s coverin’ any blemishes all on its lonesome.
“So, we’re hoppin’ right on into the part I am maybe the most scared of - the brows. That is right ladies and gents, we are tryin’ 2000s makeup, and we are goin’ all in, full steam ahead, and we are doin’ skinny brows.” He held up an Elmers glue stick and made a scared face at it. “Here goes nothin’,” he muttered as he began applying it. “Y’all who have been here before know that I am no stranger to glueing and blocking my brows. Any drag artist worth all that and a pint ‘o moonshine, even self-proclaimed, has gotta know how to do this. I’ve got a separate video with a tutorial if yer lookin’ to get into drag, or are just plain intr’ested, but fer now, I’m gonna go super quick so that this video don’ end up bein’ an hour long. Gosh, I don’ rightly know what I’m gonna call this video. Prolly somethin’ stupid like ‘Flashy Improv 2000s Makeup from A Texan Hick.’” He snorted at his own joke.
He finished glueing the brows and went back on with the foundation, letting loose an impressed whistle at the complete blocking coverage. “Woah now, this is the part where it always gets ugly. Y’all better forgive me, ‘cause I’m about to look like Slenderman on a Sunday afternoon.” He muttered to himself as he finished with the brows and took a second to stare at himself in bemusement in the mirror above his camera. This part never failed to absolutely take him out. He looked like he’d been caught unawares with an electric razor on April Fools.
“To fix this…interesting new configuration of face,” He stifled a laugh. “We’ve got our trusty brow pencil. Our girly pop predecessors were goin’ real thin on these, so lemme just…” He drew a singular line with the pencil, frowned, then sought to rectify the affront to his face which he was committing. “Yer gonna want a shade of eyebrow pencil that suits ya. Not all hair colors are the same, folks! Naw, brow pencils got as much variety as the folks using ‘em. I’m goin’ fer a more natural color here, which is a blonde, borderline brown. Whadda my nieces call it again? Bronde, that right? Lemme know in the comments, ‘cause I don’ rightly know these things. And I better not see any of y’all givin’ me that ‘Unc’ bidness down there. I’m good with the amount of ankle biters I got hangin’ off me already, and I don’t need no more.” He raised an admonishing (freshly drawn) eyebrow at the camera, knowing that the warning would only bring on more of the comments. He truly didn’t mind ‘em, but it was fun to pretend to be bothered, especially if it made someone on the other side of the screen somewhere laugh.
He clapped his hands and rubbed them together.
“Alrighty then! Brows are done and lookin’ skinnier than a weasel on a diet. Next, we gon’ hit the eyes.” The time had come for the product he had been saving since it had arrived yesterday. “And this is the moment you all have been waitin’ for - the special gifted palette. Drumroll please!” He drummed on his table a few times before reaching to the side to reveal his newest eyeshadow palette. “Presto! The ‘I Know That’s Bright’ palette from NYX. This was about twenty bucks at Ulta Beauty, and it was voted upon by you wonderful joes in my Prospectors’ tier on Patreon. The link for that is in the description below if you wanna get in on that and have a hand in what I put on my face next.
“Goin’ back to the eyes, I wanna go in fer a bold color like this purple off to the side. Now, I know some of y’all are thinkin’ oh, Jedediah’s lost his dadgum mind with those bold colors, but we trust the process under this roof, so shut your gobtalkers and prepare to be gobsmacked while youse let me work. The 2000s girlies were brave with their makeup choices, so we’re gon’ be brave too.” He took out a dense brush and began to apply, narrating as he went. “What yer gonna want to do is pack this in real tight on the eyelid fer now. I’mma go in with purple here and - WHOO-EE IT’S GOT SPARKLES?! Oh, y’all know I am just a sucker for sparklies. This is the best thing ever. I need more!” After getting thoroughly sidetracked in his quest to cover his eyelid in as much glittery purple eyeshadow as physically possible, Jed finally circled back to the palette to add some black under the eye and at the outer corners before blending it out with a fluffy brush. He finished off the eyes with liquid eyeliner, deftly navigating the perilous territory of his waterline with a wince.
“Ooh, that there is comin’ together nice! All we need now is to finish it off with blush and lips, both of which will be this deeeeep red.” He held up the blush palette for the camera to see before he brushed a conservative amount onto his cheeks. He nodded approvingly at his reflection before he retrieved the final two products. “First, in true 2000s fashion, we are going in with the brown lip liner.” His words slurred as he tried to talk and apply liner simultaneously. “God did not see fit to grace Ol’ Diah with full, luscious lips, so we gon’ have to fake it with this lip liner. Up a little, and…perfect! Now alls there is to do is finish off with a juicy red lip. This shade is called ‘Fierce,’ and I tell you what, I’m feelin’ it!” He pulled the lipstick away with a flourish. One final touch with plumping gloss finished the look. He capped the gloss and twirled it in his fingers, blowing on the end like it was a smoking gun. “Better watch out, ‘cause there’s a new beauty sheriff in town.” He rested his chin on his fist and smirked. “Y’all, do I look like a 2000s club girly?” He perked up, snapping his fingers in realization. “Hol’ up. I got an idea fer accessories. Be right back!” he promised the camera, even though he would cut this out in editing.
As soon as he found what he sought, he flung himself back into his makeup chair, spinning around in a full revolution before grabbing ahold of his table and holding up his bounty - a red bandana and dream catcher earrings with light blue feathers. “I reckon if I tie this like so…Oh, that is mighty pretty. Y’all know I gotta work this into every look.” The bandana was tied around his head, allowing a few stray blond waves to frame his face. He fiddled with them for a moment before he was satisfied. Then, he turned his attention to the other articles in his hands. “Now, donchu laugh at me for these earrings, but my sister got these as freebies from some charity or another, and she jokingly, jokingly I tell ya, told me they matched my eyes. Fellas, was she right?” He blinked owlishly at the camera, feathers hanging from his ears. “The vision is there, but I might need an eyeglass prescription. What do we think, y’all? Does it get a Texas ‘hell yeah’? Lemme know down below, and don’t forget to do all those YouTube things that you do. Like, subscribe, lose yer damn minds. I have been Dragediah, and thank y’all so much fer watchin’!”
He clicked off the camera.
Later, when he posted the video, he waited by his PC monitor for longer than was perhaps necessary, but there it was, sure as the sun did shine, at the top of the comment column:
Octodaddy: I was uncertain about the accessories at first, but you managed to pull them off and look gorgeous as always. Though, if I may, I would suggest more subtly colored earrings in the future. They would complement your eyes without overpowering them greatly, and that shade of blue deserves to be seen. The look is indeed deserving of a Texas hell yeah!
It was the same commenter, video after video, for months now. It wasn't just empty compliments either. Jed’s engagement statistics informed him that the guy (or gal - there could’ve been anyone on the other side of that username) watched all the way to the end of his videos. He didn’t comment monosyllabically either. Everything he commented below a video sounded like the genuine article, not just the surface-level compliments the other commenters dropped. This guy had suggestions, and funnily enough, he was usually right.
Jed smiled at his PC and typed out a response.
Jed’s_Country_Drag: Thanks for the kind words, amigo! That’s not a bad suggestion about the earrings, either. I’ll have to see if I can find some that fit the bill 🤔
After that, Jed filmed a few short form videos, mostly of himself jamming out to 2000s dance beats. This gig was the most fun when he let himself go and pretended it was all for the love of the game instead of some late-stage capitalism woes.
This worked, and that was all that mattered.
More notifications popped up on his phone, guaranteed to be his top commenter being the first to view his short vids.
Jed smiled to himself, wondering who it could be on the other side of the username.
~~~
Octavius smiled as he locked up the theater for the night.
He had been graced with a post from the content creator Jed’s Country Drag earlier that day, the notification perfectly timed with his lunch break. He’d watched the entire video over a container of chicken salad and left a thoughtful comment as always. The man on his screen was genuinely talented in his chosen vocation; how could he not?
He had stumbled across his page nearly a decade ago, when he had first tried out theater in college and was too embarrassed to ask any of his peers for assistance with stage makeup. He had taken one listen to the man’s soothing drawl and been hooked. (And, if he was being entirely honest, it didn’t hurt that the man was easy on the eyes.)
Now, as his twenties wore away and his thirties approached, Octavius still couldn’t look away. It was only admiration, he told himself. There was no way he could ever meet the man on the other side of the screen. Parasocial relationships were messy at the best of times and creepy at the worst. So, Octavius made sure to keep his comments respectful and focused on the topic of the video which they concerned. Life went on, and his admiration of one man on the internet did not dictate the course of his life.
The life which, at present, consisted of getting the theater’s budget wrangled to account for the new costume pieces being ordered for Shakespeare in the park, which they were hosting in roughly two weeks.
At the theater, Octavius technically worked as the accountant full time, and it had its stressful moments, but he was doing something he loved with people he loved. He couldn’t have asked for more.
His phone chimed as he tucked his keys away. Lancelot.
He allowed a hopeful smile to creep onto his face as he checked, and sure enough, there was a text from the man whom he had been messaging for a week now.
Lance⚔️: If you are free this Saturday, would you do me the honor of joining me for coffee?
Octavius bit his lip.
Oct: I would be glad to join you.
See, this was a man who was real and solid. There was no use pining after a man on his screen when he had a flesh-and-blood one currently texting him the details of their coffee date.
Octavius hadn’t expected much when he had first tried online dating at the urging of his friend Ahkmenrah. Being one of their leading men, as well as chronically online, Octavius was sure the other man experienced dating in a drastically different manner to himself. However, he had been pleasantly surprised to find that his first match was well spoken and courteous. He was like a knight in shining armor from a romantic story. If his profile picture was anything to go by, he had the looks for it. Flowing blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that could see right through you.
As he began the walk home, Octavius noted the new spring in his step. He actually had a date this weekend. He was putting himself out there!
He had to put away his phone (better safe than sorry when walking at night), but as soon as he set his keys in their dish by the front door, he checked his phone again.
Lance⚔️: I shall see you on Saturday, lovely ;)
Octavius would later swear up and down that he did not giggle or turn bright as a tomato.