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Noelle entered her sister’s room, its door still carrying the scent of drying black paint that had replaced and avenged the “keep out” sign their mother had removed. The amount of times Noelle had visited the room had decreased gradually in recent memory; it was very special and important to be guided in by its ruler. The girl stiffened her posture and framed her face with a light yet not too bright smile, just as she had adorned at the third grade parent-teacher conference a week before.
Dess looked over her shoulder as she led her sister deeper into the dull-neon catacombs. The older sister scoffed. “Chill out, you’re not getting graded on this.” Dess swiped her acoustic guitar into her hands and stepped up on her bed, its frame squeaking as her antlers nearly scraped the ceiling. “You should be grading me, actually.”
Sitting down on the matted carpet, Noelle squinted, confused. Since when did Dess care about grades, Noelle was sure to remind herself in place of a comment her mother would usually make.
Hands readied themselves on the guitar, one gripping the neck and one floating above the soundhole. “Not that kids your age know this kinda music. Though this is ‘loser music’ but whatever.” The last sentence came in a grumble.
Noelle raised her hand. When Dess raised her brows, she assumed that meant permission to speak. “What do you need me for?” she asked as her hand fell back to her lap.
“Well, usually I get Asriel to make sure I sound on-key before I perform, but he’s off in college now, so-” Dess cleared her throat as her voice began to tremble. “You can do it instead.”
“But I don’t know how to play music.” And where are you performing, Noelle also wanted to ask.
Dess shrugged her plaid-draped shoulders. “Elly, if it sounds nice to you, that’s all I need to know.” The shrug transformed into a prone position, and her fingers began plucking at the strings.
That was one of Noelle’s last memories of Dess. In the moment, it felt special to stand in the place of one of Dess’ more similarly-aged friends, seeing a world Dess occupied that the little sister knew so little of. The moment only grew in meaning by the day. The many, many days, even the ones where no tears were shed.
After many gentle plucks of the guitar strings, Dess inhaled. She began to sing.
“Transport… motorways and tramlines…”
At some point, Noelle’s mom won the argument over her father over whether Noelle should return to school so soon. The little sister walked alone to school, something she had only done a few times before since Dess graduated. Now, she felt more alone than ever, more scared of the roaring vehicles on the road and darkness between the trees than ever.
“Starting and then stopping… taking off and landing.”
Noelle slipped into the school that glowed golden from the fall trees that clouded the windows. She shuffled into the line of kids that waited for Mrs. Dreemurr to arrive and let them into the classroom. She kept her head down and her ears folded against her blonde hair, but she could not keep the whispers of classmates from her mind.
“The emptiest of feelings…”
Noelle shuffled into her desk, the one closest to the teacher’s desk, and stared at its wood, trying and failing to get lost in the ripples of the tree it was made from. It was the first day that she had not found a single bit of enjoyment from class. First of many. She spoke to no one, no one spoke to her. Only Mrs. Dreemurr gave her a wince every time she looked the little sister’s way.
“Disapointed people…” Dess’ voice began to dip into the tone Noelle would hear during a dinner table argument. “Clinging onto bottles… and when it comes it’s so, so…”
After class, Noelle looked over her homework. The month of missed school had come for her: none of the numbers or words on the paper made any sense. She was lost. She had finally broken, dethroned from the good kid teachers and parents had praised her for.
“...Disappointing- let down and hanging around.”
Months later, just when Noelle thought she had caught up from her month-long absence and made up for her excuses by rising to the finals match for the spelling bee, she was lost again. She could not spell one of the first words she ever learned to spell. The letters sprawled in her mind, but her mouth could not move, nothing could. December.
“Crushed like a… bug in the ground. Let down and hanging around…”
The space between frozen moments became longer and longer, especially when Noelle realized that no adult could offer help. Not her mother, not her father, not her teachers, not the police sheriff, not for this. The Holidays became normal once again, restoring their bonds in a way that did not need Dess. It made her sick, but she never showed it. Revolting was Dess’ purpose, not hers.
Things became easy, even the growing distance of the Dreemurrs after their divorce and the growing distance between the church after Carol refused to allow a gravestone for Dess. Noelle silently agreed with her mother; it was too many years too late for one. Everything was easy, easy to show that it was easy, as long as Noelle stored all of her turmoil until she was alone in her room.
“Shell smashed, juices flowing, wings twitch, legs are going, don’t get sentimental- it always ends up in a drivel-”
Things began to change one day. Noelle was attending a day of school that was any other day for any other student, but for her, it was just a week before the anniversary of Dess’ disappearance. This year, she was handling it with perfection. The smile never left her face. Then Kris asked her if she could be their group project partner, speaking to her for the first time in years. They spoke to her again after class next to the locked gate, asking her all sorts of things. Kris’ random friendliness made the past seem like something she did not need to hide, at least not from them. She surprised herself when she mentioned Dess a few times in the conversation. She felt no jab of grief, as if Dess had simply gone to college. When the gate was finally opened by her mom, Noelle realized that she hated herself for not feeling enough grief.
The next day, Noelle dreamed. At least, she thought it was a dream then. It was a dream that gave her the bravery to talk to the girl she always wanted to talk to.
Dess’ face shriveled as the gentle plucks of the strings became focused strums. “One day, I am gonna grow wings…”
“U-umm… Well, I… I…” Noelle had said on the ferris wheel, “I’d… I’d jump out the window!”
“Huh?” Susie had sputtered.
“It’s a dream, right? I’d grow big angel wings, and fly as far as I can, facing back at it all… The skyline shining like holiday lights.”
“...a chemical reaction, hysterical and useless, hysterical and- let down and hanging around…” her voice was nearly unrecognizable. Dess was always so dry and sarcastic, but now she was honest and strong. “Crushed like a bug in the ground… let down and hanging around.”
Noelle woke from the dream, feeling an instant ache for the brave Noelle she had become, the Noelle she always wanted to be, one more like her sister. The next day, in moments where Noelle felt an instinct to go quiet or hide behind a stiff smile, she would say or do what Dess would say or do, which was to say and do whatever entered her mind before the urge to shirk struck. Within the “study session” with Susie and Kris, Noelle had stopped needing to picture the assertive glare of Dess to be brave; she only had to think of herself talking to Kris about Dess or standing up to Queen.
The next day, Susie and Kris revealed that her dream was no dream, not exactly. But Noelle did not need to re-enter the Darkworld to understand that the girl she was in the Cyber City was her true self, not the one that had dug herself into a grave once Dess was no longer there to lift her into fresh air.
The new Darkworld was not like the Cyber City. Queen was a mild annoyance compared to the threat of the Roaring Knight, a threat Lightners, Darkners, and the Prophecy she had memorized growing up had warned her of. Yet, when Noelle finally saw the Knight among the beginning of the Roaring, the posture of its shadowy body was a mix of familiarity and horror. Noelle initially thought the Knight was a wicked reflection of Kris as it fought the heroes with a growing horde of Titans behind them, a silent yet impish behavior as they swung attack after attack. But the way they danced through some attacks like a figure skater yet slashed ruthlessly like a pompous athlete in another, Noelle finally understood. The Darkworld was a reflection of the Lightworld, like a pool of black water on the sidewalk. The Knight was a reflection of something that festered in every corner of Hometown, not just one location.
“Let down and hang…”
Noelle was thrown from her revelations by a dark sword that flew like a bullet, striking Ralsei in the chest and turning him into a pile of fluff and fabric before he could yelp.
“Let down and hang…” Dess sang in a way that told Noelle to pay attention to the upcoming climax of the song that had already engraved itself in her memories.
The Roaring Knight’s blade slashed the earth again and again, releasing shards of darkness towards the heroes. Kris was struck.
The will to fight back burned behind Noelle’s eyes as she watched her friend fall to their knees. But the instinct to give up froze her nerves. Dess would… would never… Kris fell back again, barely propping themself up by their hands.
“Let down and hang….” Noelle had no idea a voice could carry such pain and hope at the same time.
Susie roared as a flurry of stars came her way, stars that exploded into a sharp light. When the light cleared, the strongest person Noelle had ever known was laying on her side.
Noelle’s eyes met the Knight’s, somehow looking straight through its bright visor. Dess would never…
The Roaring Knight waited with a cold patience for the last member of the party’s attack that would be weak against its dark armor. The cataclysmic Roaring began to split the ground.
Because this isn’t Dess… Dess is gone. Noelle felt her body relax as she saw more of what was puppeted by the Knight’s armor. Mom could never accept it, could never buy a grave for her daughter. So much of Hometown could not accept it, either that she was gone or that they’d have to go on without her.
“Noelle…” came a trembling voice the girl recognized.
She spun around, seeing Kris now holding themself off the ground with one shoulder. The other arm was outstretched to her. An object of a true red color hovered in their hand. Their soul.
“This- this is our last chance,” Kris grunted as Noelle stepped closer. “You- you might-”
Noelle nodded and squinted the tears from her eyes. “I know what will happen.” If a monster absorbs a human soul, they become powerful… but…
Kris shook their head. “It… it will… control you but… you must resist it when we win, okay?”
Noelle nodded. There was no more time to wait. She took the soul in her hands and instantly saw- and felt- the world around her flash with a pure light.
“You know, you know where you are with…” Dess’ voice became heavy with the weight of her soul.
In the dark world bathed in light, Noelle could see through every corner of the Knight’s armor. Underneath was not Dess, but the grief that existed in the minds of everyone Noelle knew. In the minds of everyone that created a Dark Fountain. In her own mind. It was time to set it all free.
“You know where you are with…”
It is time to accept.
“Floor collapses, floating, bouncing back and-”
The thought brought a second wave of strength to Noelle, one far stronger than the combination of a monster’s and human’s souls. She felt the sensation of being controlled that Kris mentioned weakening to her own choice.
Dess ducked her head towards her guitar before craning her head up to an audience that was invisible except for one. “One day-”
Noelle felt the reaction bond between the souls finalize and her glowing form focus.
“I am gonna grow wings, a chemical reaction” Every line was preceded by a gasp for air, as if the song needed the breath of life itself.
Wings, white and soft like an angel’s, sprouted from Noelle’s back. The wingspan reached outwards, stretching from being folded and hidden for fifteen years.
Noelle reached out with her thoughts to the memories of Dess. One memory, specifically.
“A chemical reaction, hysterical and useless, hysterical and-”
A memory that felt like Heaven. A memory that could persist in mind, but had to be banished from festering the Angel’s every moment. Noelle needed Dess to be brave once, but Dess was gone. If Noelle wanted- needed to be strong, she could- needed to be the brave one for others, now.
“Let down and hanging around… Crushed like a bug in the ground,” each line initiated with power and dwindled in strength just before the next line took its place.
Noelle did not feel herself select an attack or spell, but an action. She reached out to the dark remnants of Dess’ soul that persists through grief and fear of change. She did not reach towards the Knight, but herself. And let go.
“Let down and hanging around…” Dess gave a few more heavy strums, then relaxed her arm, letting it fall with a final strum.