Chapter Text
Choi Han was a lovely girl.
keyword, was.
He discovered he was trans sometime in his early teens, and began socially and medically transitioning a couple years later.
It wasn't as if his family wasn't as if his family was unsupportive, per say. They smiled, helped fund his transition and called him a boy after he came out-but he could see the guilt in their eyes and hear the reluctance in their voice to call him as he is- that when they talked about "Choi Han", they were talking about the girl he used to be.
He had decided to move out when one of them accidentally misgendered him, despite insisting they saw Choi Han as a boy- they've known for years now. They both lived under the same roof for a decade. And they still misgendered him despite it being 4, almost 5 years since he had come out.
Now he sits in a one bedroom apartment, kicking the piling clothes to the side and feeding off nothing but energy drinks and microwave meals. Oh and cutting himself and isolating himself and crying over everything and nothing in life while actively suicidal.
Could be worse, you know?
He goes on Discord to click read all for every server he's in- if someone wanted to talk to, they could text him directly or tag him- and as it stood, Choi Han had zero notifications. So he does nothing but change his status to invisible before closing the app.
(Never mind that he always had zero notifications, never mind that in every group chat he was in no one actually gave a shit-)
Choi Han sighs,
Fuck, he needed some relief.
He brandishes open a drawer, carelessly picking up a sharp piece of metal that lay innocently enough in the corner.
Choi Han pulls down his pants- kicking them off and then shoving it to the side of his chair- it'll probably fall, but he loves those pants too much to neglect them, so it's fine. He's cleaning his room later anyway.
The razor blade is nauseating against his uncut skin, his heart pounding with anticipation.
He counts to three in his head, lightly pressing the sharp metal against his skin and then swiping it across his thigh as fast as he could.
"...Fuckkk" he groans, the pain having made him shiver.
Sick, beautiful adrenaline runs up his spine- it hurt and it bled, the cut gaping just the slightest as he pressed the skin above it.
He takes two fingers, one above the cut and one under, prying the two open to gape the wound further. The blood filled up the would nicely, pale white bleeding into red as he watched in fascination- how could something so painful could look as beautiful as it did?
Choi Han pauses.
If he was covered in these scars- if his sickness was as evident on his skin as it was in his brain, would people treat him better? Even if out of pity?
Blood oozes out from his cut, glistening in the pale light from his computer monitor. His game still paused in the background and his music blasting him deaf in his ears.
…Probably.
Choi Han sighs, slapping a bandage on the one cut- the line of thought destroying his mood for any more cuts.
He'll just do some work on his arms later.
Though he still feels like shit, so he opens twitter.
Hmm, what should he post…
His fingers tap on his keyboard, his long uncut nails clicking against the keys.
-
🔒︎ThaREALredheadlover - @nat20loser
U ever cut urself as a hobby like nah my parents are angels my family is great im just fuckin weird
He quickly grabs some more tissue to press on his cut, before looking back at his screen.
-
🔒︎RctaTruther - @adrienkin
(replying to @nat20loser)
I usually just starve myself because they don't feed me but sure
Ah, Alberu. The guy that joined his dojo a few years back, and his childhood online friend.
He types out a response, snickering to himself.
-
🔒︎ThaREALredheadlover - @nat20loser
(replying to @nat20loser, @adrienkin)
Bros on edtwt….
Like clockwork, he guy answers right away.
-
🔒︎RctaTruther - @adrienkin
(replying to @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser)
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT
Choi Han snorts, smirking at his screen.
-
🔒︎ThaREALredheadlover - @nat20loser
(replying to @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser, @adrienkin)
Ofc sir! See u at practice.
His smile widens as the next notification came speeding, letting out a laugh when he saw the reply.
-
🔒︎RctaTruther - @adrienkin
(replying to @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser)
Dude actually kys you can't do this to me I've trained for two years and even now the sessions still make me want to die you can't just diss me like that while actively making me sweat enough to fill an entire swimming pool from the sweat from my balls alone. and aLSO. You're still going to practice? Can't one of your relatives take over or something??
Ah shit.
-
🔒︎ThaREALredheadlover - @nat20loser
(replying to @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser…)
Nahhh, flus been going around lately. besides no one gaf outside of u so its gud
-
🔒︎RctaTruther - @adrienkin
(replying to @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser, @adrienkin, @nat20loser…)
Oh that's bad… Tell them get well soon! Try not to push yourself, okay man?
As he likes the reply, Choi Han's heart aches from the concern- and guilt washes him slightly because, well.
There was no flu, there was no sickness outside the one in his head.
The one he was going to get rid of, once and for all, one week from now.
He sighs, muttering to himself.
"It'll all be over soon- or whatever suicidal people say."
Choi Han groans, stretching his back and legs as he got up from his gaming chair. The room around him was a mess, with clothes strewn to one side of the room beside an overfilled basket- dust floating around and random silverware scattered about the place- Choi Han had lost count the amount of bags of chips and other snacks he had decided to "throw away later".
When he switches the light on, he grimaces at the mess suddenly being in more detail than he had bothered to see in months.
Well, to work he goes!
The next couple of days he spends slowly cleaning out his depression room, which was, thankfully, the only part of his house he'd bothered to trash before he decided to kill himself- and, wow, was his mental fortitude really that weak?
Ehhh no bother. It doesn't change anything.
He started with the visible trash he could just pick up and toss in a plastic bag, the tissues on his desk, the overflowing bin under it, the candy wrappers and chip bags, Choi Han had found his favorite box cutter as well- but it had rusted beyond use, so he just took out the rusted blade and threw that into his trash bag too.
Someone else could use the box cutter case for something- hopefully for a different purpose than for what Choi Han had used it for.
Choi Han then moved to his clothes, threw them in the washing machine with the laundry soap he hadn't touched for a while now- just washing his clothes in his bathroom while he showered with the cheap shampoo he had- and left it to run while he sorted through his other things.
He snorts, shaking his head.
Damn, Choi Han really was a filthy waste of space.
The thought only fuels his actions more, the sooner he can get over with this, the sooner he can get to doing whatever he wanted before jumping off the bridge in complete peace.
Choi Han moves to his stationary first. He throws out his work documents. Anything related to his long gone job stomped into the trash bin and discarded without a second thought. Next, he groups his pens, pencils, papers, erasers, paper clips and blank folders into a plastic box- they could still be of use to students, so he'd rather not waste them.
Then, his personal items. From childhood belongings to random trinkets Choi Han picked up on the sides of streets without a second thought, he groups it together in another box- this one set apart from the others. He hopes his family won't be too mad when they find out he changed his name legally, since while Choi Han knew he would probably be buried as a girl, he'd still like to be a boy in some way when he dies.
He starts with his highschool diploma, then the medal's he'd gained throughout the years, the awards and report cards- all marked with 'Proud of you!'s in his mother's handwriting.
Choi Han gently traces the words, a bittersweet smile rising when he realizes the letters never really had the same enthusiasm after he came out.
It's fine. It's in the past, his parents could be happy with the girl they raised in just a few days.
He sighs, about to put it away when something catches his eye.
In one of the report cards, was a piece of paper stapled to to it's side. thin and small, but folded up so he couldn't see what's inside… Well, wouldn't hurt to take a peak wouldn't it?
Choi Han reaches out, detaching the little paper as gently as he could.
[My bucket list!]
It takes a second for it to click, Choi Han blinking back in slight suprise when he remembers, was the one he made in fourth grade? Or maybe third? Choi Han doesn't know- didn't know his parents kept it with his report card either, to be fair, it was sweet, really.
The thought makes his chest stir strangely, they cared, they really did.
But they only cared about her. About their little girl, their precious daughter.
They didn't care for him, not without pretending they weren't seeing the lady they wanted him to be.
He thumbs the edges of the paper, reading the small list in childish, messy handwriting.
-
Beat Hyung in a fiht!!
-
be happy with my familly
-
wear a sute
-
kiss a cute boy :D
A small, genuine laugh escapes his lips.
It was so simple- so plain that it hurt.
How was it that out of all of these, being happy with his family was the only one Choi Han wasn't able to do?
He crumples the paper into the trash once his eyes mist up, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't take long after that for his clothes to finish. He separates them into colors, his whites in one box, his black clothes in a couple other, and one last for his measly amount of colored clothing.
When Choi Han moves back to check the work, a blush runs up to his face when he realizes his black clothes took up two whole boxes- while his white and colored clothes could easily fit into a singular one if he tried hard enough.
Hopefully the charity has some alt kids who his clothes could go to, or something.
Choi Han sighs, looking around.
All he has now are enough clothes for the rest of the week, and his furniture.
Though, since his parents are paying for his stay here, it would be better just leave it for them instead of packing it, right? He doesn't want to inconvenience them anymore than he already has.
He hums, looking around the bedroom in satisfaction.
Clean of clothes, empty of dust, still smelled like shit.
Lovely.
Just a little more, and he'd be able to do what he wanted…
Choi Han cracks his knuckles, brandishes a mop and a smug grin, and gets to work.
-
🔒︎ThaREALredheadlover - @nat20loser
ithink i got cleasning spray in mu eye
Choi Han pockets his phone, sighing.
At the moment, he was enjoying the Seul's night air in a park nearby his house. closing his eyes in contentment as he leaned back against a tree. Boring, peaceful, left alone by the usual self hating thoughts.
He didn't mind the stillness of his surroundings, he finished cleaning a while ago anyway, now he just wanted to relax.
There were only fourty-eight hours left after all, Choi Han wanted those hours to be worth it.
In his pocket was his will and a singular pen, he wrote his will already before he left the apartment- but it felt right, to bring it with him. The finality of it all weighing on him like a warm blanket on a chilly night.
"Couldn't sleep?"
Choi Han pried open one eye to look at the owner of this voice, the lack of hostility in the tone leaving him relaxed.
Red hair, brown eyes, a soft smile underneath the florescent street lamp close by. A scarf wrapped loosely around his neck.
'Pretty,' Choi Han thinks,
"I suppose you could say that," He says, tilting his head towards the stranger,
The man nods, "Yeah, I get that feeling," he says, "It's just not usual to find someone doing this so close to winter,"
Choi Han blushes, "Ah, well- sometimes winter's too cold but Autumn doesn't.. feel, right..?" He says, stumbling over his words, the pretty man simply smiling at him in amusement.
His face flushes and his heart skips a beat.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"-No, no. It's fine, really," the redhead says, interrupting him, "My name is Cale Henituse, you?" Cale says, reaching out his hand.
"I.. my name's Choi Han," he says, only slightly out of breath when he shakes the other's hand- soft, warm and fit right in his own palms-
"-would you like to sit with me?" He blurts out, almost slapping himself for his stupidity.
Cale lets go of his hand, bringing it up to check his watch. His heart drums faster in anticipation- his heart tangling itself into an anxious ball of thread.
"Sure," Cale says, and Choi Han scoots to the side with as much joy he could physically hide.
So now, Choi Han's sitting in the park with a pretty redhead he just met, idly commenting on their surroundings- like the way the trees swayed or the weird shine on that one stop sign had a point of conversation only they were privy about.
"That building looks like there's a chip on the side" Cale says,
"I'm pretty sure that's a bird," Choi Han says,
"You're seeing things sir," Cale teases, "There's definitely a chip in there,"
He laughs, tilting his head to watch Cale out of the corner of his eye, "Well in my many years of experience, I can tell you that is definitely a bird."
Cale snorts, "Experience in?"
"Uhh- knowing the differences between avian species and the failing infrastructure of modern architecture..?" He says, trailing off in a laugh, "No, sorry, that was bad."
But to his surprise, Cale bursts out cackling- even bringing up one of his hands to wipe a tear from his eye. Choi Han doesn't know what was so funny about it, but when all he could focus on wast the mole under Cale's jaw and the curve of his lips, he concludes that it doesn't really matter anyway.
A smile bloomed on his face, this was nice.
At some point, they began moving towards more personal topics, quieter secrets and even more silent feelings.
Was it bad that he told a stranger, of whom he'd met less than a few hours ago, more than he had ever told his family anything?
He asks Cale this.
The redhead looks at him with a sad smile,
"Yeah, probably" he says, "but then I suppose.. we could be bad together,"
Choi Han only meets his gaze, a soft understanding rushing through him.
His gut feeling suddenly rose and pulled- heart leaping to his throat.
"Do you-" Choi Han almost chokes when Cale turns to look at him with those lovely, lovely eyes-
"Do you want to come to my place?"