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It was almost one am and Remus was fighting sleep as he and Sirius lay intertwined on the sofa in their flat. James and Lily had sent an owl earlier that day letting the pair know she was going into labour and had promised to let them know as soon as the newest Potter was born, and so of course, both boys wanted to wait up for the news.
They’d spent the day speculating on what gender they’d be, whether they’d look more like James or Lily, and what name they’d have. The name suggestions had grown increasingly ridiculous, with Remus suggesting Chase after James’ position on the Gryffindor quidditch team, and Sirius proclaiming that it would be Buttercup to continue the Evans’ tradition of flower names. The one thing they did both agree on was that it’d be rather cute if the baby had Lily’s same red hair.
Sirius had been practically vibrating all day with excited anticipation and even now, while Remus felt his eyelids growing heavy, Sirius stood up to pace the room and turn up the stereo, amplifying Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon so that he was sure their upstairs neighbour would complain.
“Reeemus! You can’t fall asleep yet!” Sirius bounded up next to him, kissing above his eyelids to force them open. “We can’t miss the announcement!”
Remus smiled, stretching his arms with a yawn and blinking his eyes open exaggeratedly.
“I’m not falling asleep” he lied, “just resting my eyes.”
“Well you can rest them later. How ‘bout you dance with me, might wake you up.” Sirius extended a hand and Remus, after a beat, grabbed it and let himself be pulled up off the sofa. It had been four days since his last transformation and despite being in Wales with Padfoot and avoiding any more serious injuries, his hip still wasn’t fully healed and his body felt stiff, as though it lagged behind his brain’s instructions.
“Well you know I can’t dance.” Remus mumbled and Sirius rolled his eyes playfully.
“Everyone can dance, Moony. Plus I’m not asking you to Charleston, just… sway with me.”
And who was Remus to say no to that offer? Sirius with his long dark hair and mesmerising grey eyes that bore into Remus’ as he gently moved his hands to hold Remus’ waist. He thought Sirius was as enchanting as ever in his too-long pyjama bottoms and tatty t-shirt he’d been wearing basically since their first year at Hogwarts. He linked his arms over Sirius’ shoulders, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, and closing the gap between them as they began to sway, David Gilmour’s voice floating through the air.
Us and them
And after all,
We’re only ordinary men
Sirius leant forward to lean his head against Remus’ shoulder, his hair falling across his face and filling Remus’ nose with the delicious smell of his shampoo. Remus let his body move slowly, aware that he couldn’t do much more than pad across the rug and hold Sirius close to him. Sirius seemed to know exactly where to put his feet and Remus simply followed his lead. He felt his hip twinging but ignored it.
“Am I doing it right?” He asked, quietly.
“Doing what right? Dancing?” Sirius kept his head on Remus’ shoulder, laughing softly into his dressing gown. “There’s no right way to dance, it’s whatever we want.”
“Okay, good.” Remus continued, placing a kiss on the crown of his head.
“This is perfect.” Sirius spoke again, and Remus hummed in agreement.
The song came to a close and Remus willed himself to stay stood despite the pins and needles flickering up his left side. Almost as if he had a sixth sense, Sirius lifted his head up to look at Remus.
“You need to sit?”
Remus nodded and stayed silent, averting his eyes from Sirius’ gaze. He always felt guilty when he couldn’t do everything he should be able to. Holding hands, the pair collapsed back onto the sofa.
“Sorry, love”.
Sirius shook his head at the apology, smiling.
“Why on earth are you apologising? I loved dancing with you, and now… I’m going to enjoy sitting with you and kissing that gorgeous face.”
Remus let a smile creep onto his face.
“Not if I kiss yours first.” He raised his eyebrows mischievously and leant forward, pushing Sirius backwards so he was lying down and attacking him with kisses from every angle. He paused for a breath, soaking in the sight of his boyfriend’s blushed cheeks and glazed, grey eyes.
“Shit, you’re so beautiful, Sirius.”
Sirius leant up on his elbows, a smile brighter than the sun plastered across his face.
Before Remus could continue where he left off, a loud, rhythmic tapping sounded on the window, followed by a squawk. Sirius flew up, running over to the window and swinging it open to let a snowy white owl inside and frantically unfastening the letter attached.
“It’s from James and Lily!”
Sirius moved back to the sofa, breaking the seal of the letter as he threw himself back down next to Remus. He unfurled the parchment and began reading.
“Oi, I’m not a mind reader!” Remus laughed. “Read it out loud!”
“It’s a boy, Moony!” Sirius exclaimed, still reading and Remus couldn’t stop smiling.
“Is his name Chase, then?” Remus quipped, making Sirius roll his eyes.
“Dear Padfoot and Moony, Lily and I are very happy to announce the birth of our son, Harry James Potter, born at 23:58 on July 31st. Lily is doing well and we should be going home in the morning. We’d love you guys to meet him soon, come to the Acton safehouse tomorrow or whenever you can. All our love, James, Lily and Harry.”
“Harry. Harry James Potter.” Remus repeated, as though needing to practice speaking it aloud.
Sirius, after not being able to quieten down all day, now seemed lost for words. His speechlessness wasn’t something Remus was used to. They sat quietly for a moment, smiling and rereading the letter.
“Merlin…” Sirius whispered. “He’s really here.”
“Ready to be an uncle?” Remus joked.
“Never been more ready.”
Remus grabbed a piece of parchment from the coffee table, beginning to write a short congratulatory letter and confirming they would come to meet Harry very soon. They both sat for a little while longer until the record ended.
Remus stood, grabbing his cane and walking over to slide the vinyl back into its sleeve. “Shall we go over tomorrow then? Maybe late afternoon so they can get a bit settled first?”
“Perfect.” Sirius agreed, standing up to give the owl a treat and sending it back on its way to James with their note.
They made their way into the bedroom and almost immediately after Remus had tucked himself into bed and curled up next to Sirius, he felt the relief of sleep wash over him.
Remus was the wolf. He could smell something, something alive and he wanted it. He kept silent as he stalked around the woodland, pausing every now and then to pick up the correct scent and continue hunting. Then he heard it – the piercing wails of a baby echoing through the trees. His ears pricked up and he howled with all his might. This is what he was hunting for. He’d never felt so hungry and so incredibly desperate. The wolf’s careful steps accelerated, racing through the dirt and trees until he saw him, a swaddled, red-headed baby lying in the middle of a clearing. He snarled and rose onto his hind legs, getting a good look at his prey before vaulting up to him and opening his jaws-
Remus sat up in bed, terrified and sweating profusely. His eyes shifted around his surroundings, his chest of drawers, his mother’s old lamp, a pile of his and Sirius’ clothes on the floor— he was home. He was Remus in their flat in Hammersmith, not the wolf in some distant forest trying to kill...
He moved his hands to his face, wiping away the sweat but the dampness seemed to keep coming. Remus realised he was crying and he felt a wave of shame as he thought about himself, a twenty year old man, crying at a nightmare. He urged himself to calm down but his heart was racing. He felt Sirius shuffle around, propping himself up slightly on his elbow and tiredly blinking one eye open.
“Lu? Why are you awake?”
Remus swallowed the tears still welling up in his eyes and attempted to steady himself.
“Sorry, no reason.” Remus croaked in response. “Go back to sleep.”
His voice must have given away because Sirius rubbed his eyes and, seeing Remus sat unnervingly upright, breathing heavily and hair slicked to his forehead with sweat, immediately realised something was wrong. He reached out a hand to Remus’ shoulder, grounding him.
“Hey, hey.” He began stroking his hand up and down Remus’ back. “Are you hurting?”
“No.” Remus replied, though he was hurting— he always was. It wasn’t what had woken him up. “Bad dream… I was—” He cut himself off, how could he ever voice aloud the depraved dream. If he told Sirius he’d dreamt he was in wolf form hunting a baby, James and Lily’s new baby, he was sure the other man would realise what a fucked up monster he was. Sirius, perfect Sirius, would finally see the darkness in Remus, the cruel and dangerous truth that he was a dark and dangerous creature.
Remus felt his face grow hot, his heart thumping even faster and hands shaking as he tossed the duvet off him. Everything was too much. He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and they streamed down as he pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his face in his knees. He ignored the pain in his joints as he held himself.
Sirius sat upright, alarmed.
“Remus.” He tried to get him to lift his head but Remus kept himself hidden. “Okay, Remus, just listen to my voice. Breathe with me, yeah.”
Sirius began to take exaggerated deep breaths and after a minute, Remus found himself able to join in, mimicking the motions until he was able to fill his lungs with air in a way that felt relatively close to normal. He slumped his legs back down, rubbing at his hip instinctively. And Sirius reached out to place a warm hand on his thigh.
“What happened? In the dream?” Sirius’ voice was soft.
“I’m a monster, Sirius.” Remus felt completely drained. “I’m… I’m fucked up! I’m not safe… I think I might be really bad.” He gulped and closed his eyes.
“Remus, you are not a monster. Whatever happened in the dream wasn’t real. It might have felt it, but you’re okay, you haven’t done anything bad, love.” Sirius traced shapes in the palm of Remus’ hand, calming him immensely. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
Remus shook his head. He couldn’t tell him. Not right now at least.
“Okay that’s fine. C’mere.” Sirius patted the area of bed in between them, signalling for Remus to move closer, which he did. Sirius wrapped his arms around him and swept his hair out of his face. “Let’s just lay. Everything’s okay Lu, I got you.”
Remus was hesitant to let himself relax into Sirius’ touch. Surely he couldn’t deserve all this love? After a while, though, the feeling of Sirius’ fingers tickling up his arms soothed him, silencing the horrible voice in his head and sending him back off to sleep, a deep and dreamless sleep.
When Remus next woke up, it was under considerably better conditions. The curtains were halfway open, sunlight streaming in and, although Sirius wasn’t curled up next to him, there was a still-warm mug of black tea on the bedside. Remus took a breath as the embarrassing memories of his nightmare came back to him. He didn’t doubt how real and terrifying it had felt, but in the light of day he recognised that Sirius was right, it was just a dream. A shit one, but a dream nonetheless.
He climbed out of bed, tea in hand, and made his way to the living room where Sirius was sat by the window, alternating between sipping his coffee and taking a drag of his cigarette. Remus almost didn’t want to interrupt, he looked so peaceful and beautiful, like a painting, he thought. Remus moved one step forward and the squeak of his cane on the creaky floorboards gave him away. Sirius turned to face him and smiled, holding out the half-smoked cigarette to Remus. The pair sat in comfortable silence, smoking and finishing their drinks by the window.
“Feeling better?” Sirius asked.
“Lots. Thank you.”
“Did you want to talk about it now? Or still no?”
Remus thought for a moment. Want was perhaps too strong a word, but maybe it’d be good to tell Sirius, take a weight off of his shoulders. Remus reminded himself that his werewolf hunting dreams weren’t exactly rarities and his boyfriend had never been judgmental before…
“It was a hunting dream again.”
Sirius didn’t speak, just waited patiently for Remus to gather his thoughts.
“It was Harry. Or well, a baby with red-hair, I guess my brain was trying to imagine what Harry might look like… I was in the woods, and I heard him crying and I was tracking him and then… I dunno, I woke up luckily but I was gonna attack him, bite him. A baby.” Remus stared down at his hands, his thumb tracing the scars over his knuckles and wrist.
“Oh, love. It’s okay, it was a dream. Harry’s safe.” Sirius reassured.
“But I’m dreaming of attacking a baby, Sirius. That’s… fucked up. There’s something wrong with me.”
“You’re not dreaming about that because you want to, Moons. You’re dreaming about it because you don’t want to. Your subconscious is showing you your biggest fear, playing on your anxieties, y’know. There’s nothing fucked up about you. You deal with so much fear it’s only natural it’d come into your dreams.”
Remus nodded, he knew he was right, of course. Sirius Black was always frustratingly, incredibly, right.
“Anyway” Sirius continued, “We gotta get Prongs a gift before we go over! And Lily and Harry of course. What do babies even like?”
Remus thought about it and realised he and Sirius had never really been around a baby before, or he supposed Sirius had known Regulus as a baby but they were so close in age he doubted Sirius remembered. What did babies like or need?
“Maybe we bake for them? Lily likes cupcakes.” Remus answered.
“Brilliant! And Prongs’ll eat anything you put in front of him.”
Three hours after that, Sirius and Remus found themselves covered in flour and icing, their fingers sticky from icing the sentence Welcome Baby Harry across the tops of the cupcakes.
Two more hours after that saw the two men stood on the doorstep of Lily and James’ flat, clean of flour and with a cake tin in hand, as well as a small plush toy of a deer that they’d bought months ago and been saving to give Harry.
James swung the door open, beaming as soon as he laid his eyes on Sirius and Remus, gratefully accepting the cake and toy and inviting them inside. In their small living room Lily sat on the sofa, her red hair braided in two plaits snaking down her shoulders, her cheeks pink and a huge smile on her face. In her arms lay a bundle of cotton blankets and a tuft of dark brown, almost black hair, poking out. Remus thought it might somehow be even darker than James’ hair and was selfishly grateful it wasn’t red. It meant his dream really was just a dream, not some twisted, supernatural premonition.
“Boys! Hi!”
Remus and Sirius walked over tentatively, the smiles on their faces growing larger with every passing second.
“Lily! How are you? How was everything? Were the doctors at Mungo’s good to you?” Sirius kept his voice soft despite his excitement.
“Always so full of questions, Black.” Lily laughed. “It was great, everyone was lovely and I’m feeling good, thanks. Now both of you, come sit.”
Both of them moved to sit beside her on the sofa and James pulled up a chair from the dining table and sat opposite them, smiling at his wife, baby and two closest friends sitting together. Lily nudged the blankets around Harry down, showing off his scrunched little face and the long lashes on his closed eyes.
“He’s beautiful, Lils. Merlin…” Remus didn’t even know how to describe how he felt when he looked at Harry. He’d known the kid all of two minutes and he already knew for a fact that he loved him.
“He is, isn’t he.” Sirius spoke, his eyes never leaving Harry’s face.
After a moment, Harry’s eyes blinked open and revealed unmistakeably green eyes, and Remus found himself getting emotional. Harry really was a perfect mix of his two friends.
“Well hello, Harry, darling.” Lily cooed as he looked up at her.
She passed him to Sirius and Remus who leant themselves together to hold him in the middle.
“Harry, meet Padfoot and Moony, your Godfathers.” James said with pure glee in his voice.
It took Remus a moment to compute the words and he dragged his eyes away from Harry, glancing between Lily and James who were smiling like schoolchildren. Sirius looked equally as shocked.
“Godfathers?” Remus repeated.
“Of course… that is, if you two want that.” James replied.
Sirius’ shocked expression morphed into a huge smile and he let Harry curl his tiny fist around his pinkie.
“Yes, yes!” He exclaimed.
“We’d be honoured, that’s… amazing.” Remus added, struggling for words.
Godfathers. Remus didn’t know exactly what that entailed, but he did know he would do anything in his power to be good to Harry. To spoil him, to teach him silly pranks that would annoy James and Lily, to be there for him, to love him. Harry would have his wonderful parents and village of friends utterly devoted to him and wouldn’t have to feel alone like he and Sirius had as children. Harry was undoubtedly and desperately wanted. Harry James Potter would have the childhood he deserved, and the one Remus never got. The thought nearly brought tears to his eyes.
As he looked around the room at James and Lily smiling with satisfaction, and his beautiful Sirius tenderly holding baby Harry, Remus’ heart swelled with emotion. For the first time in a while, Remus felt whole and hopeful. Maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad.