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Harry was a week old now and Remus and Sirius had been to visit him every other day, each time more enthralled by his tiny fingers and tiny toes and perfect face than the last. The evening they returned home after first meeting him, they couldn’t stop beaming at each other and discussing their futures as his godparents, imagining all the wonderful things Harry was going to do as he got older. To Remus, Harry was everything good in the world and a welcome distraction from his anxieties about the war and the full moons.
His pain had eased up too and he found he was limping less. He was still using the cane, but at least his hip wasn’t throbbing as soon as he climbed out of bed anymore. Whether this was due to healing and still being three weeks away from the next moon or simply having something to feel hopeful and happy about, he wasn’t sure. He was just grateful.
Remus and Sirius had been in the kitchen for hours, stirring away at numerous pots on the hob and frantically checking the oven to make sure their food hadn’t burnt. They’d invited James, Lily, baby Harry, Marlene and Peter over for dinner that evening and hadn’t exactly factored into the equation the fact that neither of them knew how to cook. As it turns out, living at Hogwarts for seven years and being served bottomless banquets in the dining hall hadn’t really taught them how to be self-sufficient in that department. Remus had pulled out the few, untouched recipe books they had stacked on the shelves, leafing through them for anything that looked remotely doable, landing on homemade garlic bread, a huge dish of lasagne and a sticky toffee pudding.
Sirius had taken charge over the baked goods, managing to cover half of the worksurface in flour and sugar despite using magic, and Remus focused on the main, choosing to make it the muggle way. Cooking with magic felt almost sacrilegious after he’d grown up with his mother’s homemade dinners for the first thirteen years of his life. If he thought back hard enough, he could still smell the spices and warmth of the stews and pies she’d make when he was home for the Christmas holidays. The memory momentarily made him happy before his mind always unravelled itself back to the bad parts. She was gone, dead, and he was never going to smell or eat her cooking again. He pushed the thoughts from his head as the food timer sounded, alerting him to the lasagne in the oven. Sirius bent down to check it.
“A few more minutes I reckon.”
Remus glanced at the clock. Six fifty-five.
“Let’s hope they’re all here soon, then. We did say seven, right?”
Sirius nodded and took off his oven gloves.
“You set the table and sort the chairs, I’ll wipe the counters?”
Remus moved over to the table, it would be cramped with six adults sat around it, but it would have to do. They only had four chairs, so Remus grabbed a pair of red Chuck Taylors he hardly wore anymore and transfigured them into two more chairs, both ending up with white rubber details on the legs and one with shoelaces still poking out of the armrests. Hmm, it had been a while since he’d had to do transfiguration, maybe he needed to practice some more. Sirius poked his head round the doorframe, throwing his hands up to his face to stifle his laughter at the sight of them.
“Those’re some very stylish chairs we have… Real all stars.”
Remus mock laughed and rolled his eyes playfully.
“They’ll have to do. Don’t take the piss too much or I’ll tie you down to it.”
Sirius winked and moved to hug Remus from behind.
“Oh, I bet you’d love that, Lu.”
“Cheeky prick, get your mind out of the gutter.” Remus laughed and let Sirius plant a kiss on his neck from behind.
“Where’s the fun in that?” Sirius asked, his voice soft and flirty.
Remus snaked Sirius’ arms around him further and let himself dissolve under the warmth of his touch. Remus swivelled around, hands on Sirius’ face and in the middle of kissing him deeply when there was a knock at the front door. Neither boy moved.
“Eh, let’s send ‘em home.” Sirius joked.
“It’s tempting…”
Remus gave him one final kiss and pulled away, grabbing his cane from where it leant against the table and moving towards the door, looking through the peephole to see James and Lily stood on the front step, Harry bundled up in James’ arms. He swung open the door, already smiling.
“Moony!” James exclaimed, pulling Remus in for a hug as though it had been more than just two days ago that they’d seen each other. Lily inhaled deeply as she stepped inside.
“Merlin, Remus, it smells amazing in here!”
“Well, you haven’t tasted it yet. If it’s great then it was all me… if it’s not then it was Sirius.”
“Oi! They’ve only just arrived and already you’re slandering my name.” Quipped Sirius as everybody moved into the dining room where he was stood. “Everyone, take a seat. I’m afraid we didn’t make Harry a highchair so I guess he’ll just have to sit on his godfather’s lap…”
James laughed and passed Harry over to Sirius who immediately began cooing over him.
Shortly after, Marlene and Peter arrived, bringing beers and flowers and fussing over Harry. Remus busied himself in the kitchen, plating up the food to carry over to his friends. He pondered calling Sirius over to help him but figured he could probably do it without the cane; it seemed silly to only carry one plate over at a time. He picked up one dish with each hand and started the walk to the dining table, it was only a few metres, just the room next-door but after a couple steps he began to regret his decision. It wasn’t so much the achy pain in his lower body, but the unsteady shakiness of his legs which didn’t quite move how he needed them to. Before he knew it, his left knee was buckling and one of the plates was being flung out of his hand as he attempted to grab the edge of the counter. It landed with a shatter, fragments of white china mixing with the lasagne in a heap on the floorboards. Remus cursed under his breath and used his now free hand to pull himself upright, he was thankful he hadn’t completely fallen on his arse. He put the other dish down, taking a moment to steady himself and rub his knee.
“Alright in there, Moony?” James called from the other room.
“All good, sorry won’t be a sec!” Remus replied.
He limped back over to where he’d left his cane. He would just do one at a time and the mess he could clean up later. He took out a new plate and picked up the serving spoon to cut a new slice of lasagne, nearly dropping it again when Sirius crept up behind him, silently.
“Think you dropped something, love.” Sirius smirked, reaching for some kitchen roll to clean it up with.
“Sorry I thought I could carry two… turns out, not a good idea if your legs are shite.” He laughed slightly. “You don’t need to clean it, Pads. I’ll do it in a minute.”
“S’ok, it’s basically done now.” Sirius said, dumping the plate fragments and kitchen roll in the bin. “Here, you finishing plating and I’ll take some in.”
He picked up three plates, balancing one on his forearm with ease and strode out of the kitchen. Remus rarely felt envious, but he couldn’t help watching and noting the effortlessness of Sirius’ strides, his strong legs and head held high, not worried about tripping. He wasn’t so much jealous of Sirius for being able to do it, more so disappointed with himself for not being able to. It should have been easy. Sirius returned for the final three plates and Remus picked up the single dish of garlic bread, and his cane, following him into the dining room.
He struggled to feel sorry for himself as soon as he saw his four closest friends, his boyfriend and his lovely godson all gathered round his tiny dining table, clinking their beers together in glee and laughing at a joke he’d missed in the kitchen.
Remus didn’t know when they’d all been together last for something other than an Order mission or meeting. He supposed it must have been in their last year at Hogwarts, just over two years ago. It broke his heart just a tiny bit realising how much times had changed, they were no longer the same kids getting drunk and dancing to The Stones at parties in the Gryffindor common room, sneaking Lily and Marlene into their dorm after hours. They were still kids, but instead of parties it was fights with death eaters and intel missions with Greyback and the other werewolves who wanted to rip Remus to shreds. It was nice to slow down and just exist.
Remus and Sirius were peppered with compliments regarding their cooking and Remus had to agree, savouring the taste of real food and wondering why he and Sirius had been living off cheap microwave meals and plain pasta.
Marlene and Lily were in the middle of regaling the boys with a tale from their time at Hogwarts, though after every three words they erupted with hysterical laughter, spluttering and unable to breathe out the punchline. Their laughter was contagious and soon, Remus had tears rolling down his cheeks, especially when Marlene finally found herself able to form words again and Peter sprayed his mouthful of beer all over Sirius.
“Wormtail! Merlin, keep your beer to yourself!” Sirius exclaimed through painful laughter. Peter could barely apologise through his guffaws.
“Okay, okay.” Remus took a deep breath, forcing himself to stop laughing. “Who wants dessert?”
James’ hand flew up before the question had fully left Remus’ lips.
“Made by yours truly!” Sirius’ voice was utterly gleeful, and Remus couldn’t help the way love and pride swelled up in his chest.
“Oh, in that case never mind…” Quipped James, making Sirius throw him a sarcastic smile.
Remus went to push himself up from the table to clear the plates but James and Sirius beat him to it, the latter pressing a hand to his shoulder to sit him back down.
“We got it, love.” Sirius said quietly.
Remus was about to tell James to sit back down and relax when a sharp rap at the door interrupted him.
“You invited anyone else?” Peter asked.
Remus and Sirius looked at each other in confusion. They weren’t expecting anybody else.
“No idea who it could be. I’ll get it.”
Sirius quickly put down the empty plates he’d been holding and stepped into the hallway, checking through the peephole and swiftly opening the door to Dumbledore, stood tall on their front step.
“Dumbledore, sir.”
Sirius was not met with a greeting, instead Dumbledore swept, ghost-like into the room, his long grey robes billowing behind him as he moved into the dining room and stopped at the head of the table.
“I do apologise for intruding, especially on what looks to have been a lovely dinner.” He eyed each one of them around the table through his half-moon spectacles and Remus noted the matching purple half-moon shadows under his eyes and the unusual gauntness of his cheeks. Granted, he knew the wizard was old, but his usual magical glow had been replaced with a pallor to rival Remus’ own after a full moon. He knew what exhaustion looked like, and here it was staring right at him on the face of the most respected wizard he knew.
Sirius spoke first, moving to re-take his seat at the table. “Can we help you, Professor?”
Remus almost laughed at the absurdity of Sirius still calling him professor, they were adults! In their own home, no less! But he couldn’t blame him, the entirety of Dumbledore’s demeanour practically screamed ‘authority’, it was hard not to verbally denote his power.
“I’ve heard news that there’s to be an attack tonight in Diagon Alley. I need you all there tonight and prepared for any eventuality.”
Remus looked around as Peter shuffled in his seat, biting his lip nervously. James’ mouth was slightly agape in confusion, turning around to look at Lily holding Harry to her chest.
“Professor, I don’t—” James began to protest before Dumbledore cut him off with a wave of his hand.
“Potter, I understand this situation is not ideal, but this is the duty of the Order. I am also aware that there are exceptions. Evans and Lupin, you will not be needed in Diagon Alley but I would appreciate if you would contact Alastor. The source for this attack is, currently, anonymous and I’ve got him working on unearthing it as well as identifying more of Voldemort’s death eaters. You will assist.”
Nobody around the table spoke.
“I give my sincerest apologies again for the disruption. What you are all doing takes a great deal of courage, do not think that I do not recognise and appreciate that.”
He swept his cloak behind him once more as he turned and prepared to exit the room. Remus finally spoke.
“Dumbledore, sir, I can be there.” His heart rate quickened. “I mean, I can fight.”
He could, couldn’t he? Okay, admittedly, he couldn’t run but he was perfectly fine at spells and duelling, better than fine even!
In his periphery he saw Sirius staring at him and Remus knew he was thinking about his legs giving out earlier in the kitchen. Shit. Was he actually broken? Not just in a way that only he recognised, but broken enough that everyone around him thought it too? Remus knew the failures of his body were an open secret, there was only so much you could hide, but he felt his cheeks redden with shame nonetheless.
“I was under the impression that you were still injured from the last moon, Lupin.” Dumbledore spoke calmly and Remus wished he could hold the same level of composure rather than feeling a knot tightening in his stomach and his hands growing clammy.
“I—” Remus didn’t even know what to say. He was still injured. A niggling, dark voice entered the depths of his mind: Still injured and always will be. This is it now. There’s no getting better, this is your body giving up on you. For a werewolf you’re middle aged, you’ll be lucky to get ten more years of mobility, even with the cane.
Sirius’ voice snapped him out of it.
“He is, Professor. He still needs to recover, Pomfrey’s orders.”
Remus couldn’t decide whether to feel relief or anger for being spoken for, even by Sirius.
“Very well then. Lupin you’re to stay with Evans and contact Alastor. Potter, Black McKinnon, Pettigrew, the rest of us will be meeting you at Diagon and will assign you to a station. Good evening.”
With that, Dumbledore moved into the hallway and the sound of him apparating away whooshed through the flat. Everybody remained quiet for a moment, looking down at their empty plates and half-drunk beers. James was the first to speak.
“Okay. Okay, everyone let’s…” He paused and ran a hand through his hair. “Lily, love, are you going to be okay with Harry?”
Lily nodded and motioned towards Remus.
“‘Course, I’ll be with Remus and we’ll send Moody an owl as soon as you all leave.”
She shot a small smile towards Remus and he did his best to return one, but an overwhelming sense of despair and embarrassment was pulling at his insides, tugging at the rational parts of his brain and making him want to scream. The embarrassment and frustration he so carefully kept tucked away in neat, mental boxes were unpacking themselves and leaving his mind shrouded in messy, dark thoughts. He wanted to scream at Sirius for speaking for him, for thinking he knew Remus better than he knew himself. But, of course, Remus figured, he did know him, and worse, he was right. He wasn’t in any position to fight. Then, he decided he wanted to scream at his body, at Greyback, at the other pack members, at his father… He just wanted to scream.
But he didn’t.
Remus sat there silently, eyes glued to his hands in his lap, while the other four stood up and readied themselves. After a minute, he felt Sirius’ hand on his shoulder and a selfish part of his brain urged him to pull away, Sirius gets everything! He can walk, he can talk, he can even talk for you! He hated himself for even thinking it and urged the thought away, allowing Sirius’ touch.
“Are you okay?”
Sirius spoke so softly he might as well have been whispering.
“Yeah, fine. Was just thinking.” Remus replied, more icily than he had intended, keeping his eyes directed at the table.
Sirius looked at him sceptically and Remus prepared himself for more questions that he’d have to fend off. Instead, Sirius let his hand linger on his shoulder for just a moment more before removing it as though he’d been burnt.
“Well, I’ll be back tonight, or the morning. Depends on how long this all lasts I guess.”
Remus nodded and still didn’t look up. He knew he was being unnecessarily cruel, but he couldn’t bring himself to keep up with the usual platitudes right now. The screams he was pushing down began bubbling in his chest and threatening to strangle him.
“Okay, well be safe.” Remus squeezed out the words as though it was physically painful, worse than the fiery ache travelling down his spine and into the bones of his legs.
Sirius hesitated next to him a moment longer.
“Yeah, and you Remus.” It was blunt and made Remus want to curl up into a ball. Why was he pushing him away? It wasn’t even Sirius he was angry about, not really. Right now, though his brain was struggling to disconnect the topics.
Remus knew he should turn and face him. Knew he should look into those grey eyes and tell Sirius that he loved him, knew he should call him by a nickname and kiss him goodbye, knew he should wish him luck. Instead, he found himself selfishly wishing that Sirius would instead turn to him, tell Remus that he loved him. Neither man moved or spoke.
“Pads, we’ve gotta get going.” James called, leaning around the doorframe from the hallway.
Sirius gave him a quick wave of acknowledgement and James disappeared around the door once more. Remus could hear him cooing over Lily and Harry and imagined that he was probably placing loving kisses on their heads and smiling at them despite his nerves. Remus turned his head, shifting to finally look at his boyfriend as Sirius simultaneously pulled his jacket on and turned on his heels, heading for the door. Fuck.
That’s when all the truly bad thoughts started swirling around Remus’ head, like a storm wave pummelling him into rocks. What if the mission isn’t successful? Dumbledore had made it sound simple enough, but what if something went wrong? What if Sirius…
“I love you Sirius.” Remus managed to blurt out just before Sirius left the room. He turned around and gave Remus a small smile. It felt sadder than a smile should feel.
“Love you.” Sirius spoke quietly before moving into the hallway and apparating away with the rest of the group.
Remus closed his eyes with frustration. His hip was throbbing with every heartbeat and he’d almost definitely been sat still for too long, his legs felt like lead. He stayed sat down, unwilling to let himself be drowned in the pain that moving would inevitably bring. It wasn’t like he had anywhere to go anyway. He rested his arms on the table and leant his head down. His back wouldn’t thank him later but he needed a moment.
A second later, Lily shuffled into the room holding Harry, her gentle features trying for a smile, though she’d never been particularly good at hiding her nerves. She sat beside him at the table and neither of them said anything.
Remus had always been grateful for Lily’s friendship; they always just seemed to get one another. They’d bonded in second year over classic novels and charms classes, and later in their friendship, their muggle upbringings and somewhat trying relationships with their fathers. Remus appreciated that Lily was happy to sit with him in comfortable silence and that she never forced him to talk. Though, ironically, Remus supposed it was this trait that made talking to her so effortless, letting the words he’d been stewing on for weeks flow out like music.
“Want to hold Harry?”
Remus moved his head up, shuffling in his seat and nodding, holding his arms open as Lily placed the sleeping bundle against his chest. Remus had never held a baby before Harry, and in just a week it had become as natural as breathing. He let his elbow relax under Harry’s head and his other hand moved to stroke his dark hair and trace his small button nose.
Without realising, Remus began to speak, never drawing his eyes away from Harry.
“I feel like I’m never going to be me again.”
Lily’s eyebrows quirked into a puzzled expression and Remus continued.
“Or maybe worse, that this is just me and I’m not as good a person as I thought I was.”
“Oh, Remus, you’re one of the best people I know.” Lily rested a hand on his shoulder.
“You think that but… it’s just so hard. Every day I wake up and my body’s already decided for me what kind of day it’s going to be. And more and more it’s choosing bad days, like the number of good days in between the full moons is just… shrinking! The pain it— it makes me so angry and selfish and rude. Even though most of the time I don’t even really mean it.”
Remus stopped to let himself breathe and used his pinkie finger to softly brush Harry’s pink cheek. The boy stirred and opened his eyes, looking at Remus with those same strikingly warm green eyes as his mother. Lily watched him intently and made no move to respond.
“Sirius makes me happy.” Remus looked up at the ceiling and took a breath as he felt tears threatening his composure. “So happy, Lily, you don’t even know. But lately, I’ve just been wondering if I make him happy in the same way.” His voice was trembling now and he took a beat before continuing, “And… if I’m going to be able to keep making him happy when I can barely do it for myself.”
Instead of words, Lily stood up and wrapped her arms around Remus. It was awkward, with him still sat down and cradling Harry, but he let himself dissolve into it and pleaded with himself not to cry. When Lily eventually moved to sit back down, Remus felt able to look at her.
“Remus, I won’t pretend I understand everything you go through, because I don’t and that would be unfair to you. But what I do understand is love. And the way you and Sirius look at each other is exactly that. That man adores you, and not for your… I don’t know, your ability to walk for miles, or if you can go and fight in some mission. Sirius loves you for the same reason we all do. You’ve got a big heart Remus and Merlin knows you’re so much more than your body.”
Remus reached out his free arm to hold her hand.
“Thanks, Lils.”
“But if you’re struggling with it all… well I’d imagine that’s normal. It’s a lot for you.”
Remus nodded.
“Have you told Sirius?”
“Well, he knows about the pain. Can’t really avoid talking about that.”
“No, I mean the emotional side of things. Feeling… unhappy.”
Remus thought about it. Of course, he’d told Sirius about some of his anxieties, feeling useless or, like his body was failing him. He didn’t even really need to tell him, Sirius just sort of knew. He could read Remus like a book, leafing through every page and translating each of Remus’ grimaces and frowns and smiles into emotions he could put a name to. So no, Remus hadn’t told him he was feeling so down and angry, but couldn’t he tell?
“From your hesitation I’m going to guess no.” Lily said.
“He knows something’s not right, I’ve been irritable. Earlier… before he left with the others, I was being so cold to him. I thought I was mad that he spoke for me to Dumbledore, but it doesn’t make sense because he was right, I couldn’t have gone to Diagon. What I’m really angry about is everything else— my legs… the fucking wolf in me!”
“Just because he was right doesn’t make it any less painful, Remus. You’re allowed to grieve the things you feel like you’re losing.” Lily kept their hands clasped together in her lap.
“Yeah.”
“You’re changing and it’s something you’ll have to come to terms with, in time.”
To somebody else, Lily’s words might have sounded blunt, but Remus was thankful for the lack of pacifying reassurances that wouldn’t have worked anyway. His body was changing and unless Pomfrey was arriving with a medical miracle there and then, which didn’t seem likely, he was going to have to work with it rather than against it. Remus gave her a soft smile.
“And you should talk to Sirius properly. Explain it like you just did to me. He’ll get it Remus, you know he will.”
“I know. Thank you.”
Lily rolled her eyes at the thank you and Remus felt his body relax.
“Right, now let’s send an owl to Moody and see what he wants us to do.” Lily brushed her hair from her face and stood up. “Wanna move to the sofa and get more comfortable?”
Remus agreed and Lily scooped Harry back into her arms, moving into the adjoining living room. He stretched his legs under the table for a moment, scowling as his knees cracked and an electric pain shot through his hip. After a moment, he levered himself up from the chair, grabbing his cane and shuffling through to the living room. Lily was sat on a cushion on the floor, scribbling a letter to Moody and Remus sat just beside her on the sofa, collapsing into the soft leather with a contented groan.
***
The pair spent the next three hours with Moody who had apparated over, combing through thick manila files from the Ministry. Remus barely had time to wonder how they’d come into the Order’s possession, before Moody was sliding a moving wizard mugshot of a young man across the coffee table towards him and Lily. The man in the photo was perhaps not much older than Remus, though his face seemed frozen in a permanent scowl, aging him at least ten years, and his eyes had a stoney, emotionless edge to them.
“Antonin Dolohov, suspected death eater. He’s not been seen in almost a year.” Moody jabbed a finger at the man’s photo. “Reckon he’ll be in Diagon tonight, though. Hopefully one of our lot can get their hands on ‘im.”
Remus and Lily nodded in agreement.
They’d made little progress in revealing the source for the attack, but then again Remus wasn’t even entirely sure what he was looking for. Moody explained that maybe there was, inexplicably, a mole in Voldemort’s army, or someone being recruited who wasn’t quite ready to join the dark side. Either way, right now it seemed to be working in the Order’s favour. Not once did it cross Remus’ mind that it was a trap and that they— that he had let his friends and the love of his life walk straight into it.
As Remus began to rake through another file, a flash of blue exploded into the living room and the three of them looked up, stunned. A spectral, blue stag galloped into the room and towered above them, its antlers nearly grazing the ceiling light. A corporeal Patronus from James. Lily leapt up from where she sat on the floor as the stag began to recount James’ message.
“We’re leaving Diagon and going to the Prewett’s in Greenwich. There’s been a— Some shit went down.” James was tripping over his words, gasping for breath. “Don’t come. Need to check its safe first. We’ll get in contact once we’re sorted.”
There was a beat and Remus heard someone in the background scream before the message ended and the stag dissolved into blue sparks. He felt a pit forming in his stomach. Was Sirius…?
Lily’s hands trembled and she crossed her arms across her chest to steady herself. Moody rose from the sofa, grabbing his cloak and wand.
“Stay here, both o’ you. I’m going to contact Dumbledore.” He eyed them seriously, a grave expression painting over his face before he apparated away.
Lily swayed on the spot, her eyes wide and scared. She looked over at Harry sleeping soundly in his carrier. Remus motioned for her to sit next to him and she acted accordingly. He shifted an arm around her shoulder and pulled her in close, the only thing he could think of doing to comfort her without words. Remus mind was too full of Sirius Sirius Sirius and it crescendoed like a bomb timer. Fuck, whose scream had he heard? Was someone hurt? Dead? His free hand closed into a fist and began to knock a repetitive pattern on his thigh. He tried to focus on that instead, and the little jolt of pain that accompanied it each time. Lily had been there for him earlier; he would be there for her now.
The silence between them that had so often felt like a comfort to Remus started to feel suffocating, robbing the air from his lungs and replacing it with something polluted and heavy.
They had nothing to do but wait.