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You've seen your boyfriend in this state countless times before, but not in a long while.
His head lay in your lap as his whole body quivered and quaked, gasps and terrified incoherant noises sputtered out from his lips. You gently rested your hand on his head and ran your fingers through his hair over and over again, scratching and massaging his scalp trying to calm the boy down. Tears were running and falling off of his cheeks onto your jeans. He slowly rolled to his side and clutched onto your waist like it was his life support and you just let him.
After six months of being clean, Dave had picked up the razor again.
"Shhh, Dave. It's alright, I'm right here." You whispered to him gently as his shaking quickened and subsided again and again. "I won't let anyone hurt you, it's okay. These things happen."
Your hand movement picked up pace on his soft, thin blonde hair. The petting actually seemed to calm him whenever these situations happened. Dave's body would go limp for seconds almost in a sleep like state, but soon be interrupted by those horrible and violent jolts you hated so much.
It was honestly quite a shock to see him stride into the room without any visible sign of frustration or being upset, only then to have him drop his pants and reveal the gashes down his thighs. You'd been dreading the day of another relapse and the panic attack that usually came with it; that was mostly out of fear of you leaving him. You would never do that to him though, you were all he had left and you loved him. Something so insignificant and minor would never, ever make you leave him. It wasn't considered a chore for you to lay with him, to soothe and caress him. It made you feel needed, and you loved being near Dave and making him feel important regardless of the situation. You just hated seeing him in this weak and broken state.
You looked down at his now closed eyes and then his chest, which was now moving up and down at a slow and rhythmic pace. You hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep while you played with his hair and cooed him those gentle reminders that he was worth something, and you needed him. Your lips turned up into a small smile. Seeing him calm and at peace in the end was the only reward you'd ever get when he broke.
You leaned down and planted a small kiss on his forehead.
"Everything is going to be okay, Dave."