Chapter Text
26th of July, 1977
Sirius was walking through the streets of Muggle London when he passed a record shop, it must have opened recently as he’d never seen it before, naturally, he went in. He was searching in the “rock’n’roll” section when a girl approached him, about his age, tan, light brown hair that cascaded down her shoulders and light brown eyes. She was wearing a light blue jumper and dark gray jeans, she wore a black shoulder bag with a few pins on it.
“Hello, sorry to disturb you,” She started “but um..” She cleared her throat and held out her hand “I’m Sarah”
Sirius, confused but slightly intrigued, shook her hand before letting it rest against his bag again. The girl looked pleased now.
“You’re a student at Hogwarts, right?” She said pointing to a pin from his bag with a griffin on it.
“Yeah, I am.” Sirius looked even more confused now, his brows were almost so furrowed he started looking like a gryffin. “Do I know you?” He asked.
“No, not yet at least.” She smiled like she was proud of herself. “I’m going to Hogwarts this year, see I used to be a Beauxbatons girl but my father moved here for work”.
Sirius almost forgot about the records, he was certainly less confused now, but way more intrigued.
Sirius tilted his head and suggested he show her around town, the girl agreed.
They then spent the day together, and then the next, and the next again until they had spent the entire summer together, looking around Muggle London and the wizarding world.
1st of September 1977
After the summer, of course, was school.
Everybody on platform 9 ¾ was buzzing with excitement, from the small first years, who were as nervous as they were exited, to the seventh years, who were staring at the first years and feeling nostalgic.
Remus, Sirius, James and Peter were some of those seventh years.
“Oi, Remus! D’you remember your first year?” Sirius called “You were so nervous I thought you’d piss yourself!” He laughed as he continued, James and Peter chuckled with him.
“You’re one to talk! Do you need me to remind you how you looked as a first year?” James and Peter laughed harder as Sirius’s face fell playfully.
“We said we weren’t talking about it.” Sirius nudged Remus before he was interrupted by a familiar voice.
“Sirius!” The feminine voice called out. A girl their age was suddenly running into his arms, Remus, James and Peter all stared at each others then back at them, their jaw only falling farther when the girl kissed him.
“Oi, Pads? Since when d’you have a girlfriend?” Peter said in disbelief.
“Sirius you arse! Why didn’t you tell us?” James added eagerly.
Remus couldn’t speak, he just stared at them, at Sirius. How? When? Why?
A thousand questions popped in his head without having time to process each of them.
He could feel tears starting to sting his eyes. He quickly blinked them away and tried his best to smile.
“What’s her name?” He asked, slightly quieter than the rest but barely noticeable. However quiet, Sirius noticed, he didn’t say anything but he noticed, he always notices when it’s about Remus.
“I’m Sarah!” The girl said, shaking each of their hands impatiently.
As James was about to talk, the train rattled through the station, they all started boarding, seeing more familiar faces along the way.
Among them were some slightly more familiar, like Lily Evans who looked Sarah longer than she looked in the others direction, as if trying to see if she knew her before waving hello to the others with confusion.
Marlene Mckinnon who asked if Sarah was single, wich earned a giggle from her part and an odd stare from Sirius’s.
Regulus Black who had obviously heard about Sarah as he was only mildly surprised to see them together, though he was more focused on grinning towards James, which earned an even weirder look from Sirius.
Even Pandora, who immediately came to introduce herself, she even stayed in their compartment for a little while, chatting with her.
Remus, on the other hand, wasn’t as glad as the others to have Sarah with them, sure she looked sweet and Sirius did seem to like her, but he couldn’t help the jealousy that had started flooding his mind.
So, instead of crying or screaming, or even hitting, he simply put his jacket over his head and tried to sleep.
_____________
“Remus! Remus!” A woman cried. She was holding a child, he couldn’t have been older than five. He was bleeding from his left arm, crying so hard it looked like his eyes were going to pop out.
“Mama! It hurts, please mama!” It was him, it was Remus, it was happening to him again.
“Shh, it’s okay Remus, it’s alright, Lyall do something!” The woman urged a man, Remus couldn’t see his face.
The man slowly backed away, then started running. The child cried louder, blood dripping from his arm while he stirred in his mothers arms.
“Lyall!” She screamed towards the man before turning her attention back to her child “Remus, shh, it’s okay, you’re fine” She repeated endlessly until it became a repeat of “Remus, Remus, Remus” over and over until the child stopped crying, then her voice got louder, “Remus! Remus! REMUS!”
“Remus!”
Remus gasped as he woke up, quickly looking around as tears fell down his eyes quickly, there was only Peter left in the compartment, he looked worried, his eyes narrowed towards Remus.
“Another nightmare, mate?” Remus quickly wiped his eyes before muttering about being alright.
“We’re here, the others went ahead because Sirius couldn’t wait to show Sarah around.” He said, grinning a bit.
“Oh. Alright, well,” He cleared his throat. “I’m coming.”
“Take your time, I’ll wait outside.” Peter said, leaving the door open as he left.
“Cheers” He whispered. His voice couldn’t work, why wouldn’t his stupid voice work. He could feel tears pricking his eyes.
He slowly gathered up his stuff and made sure to make his eyes didn’t look puffy. It was stupid for him to be crying about a stupid nightmare. Stupid. That’s how he felt right now. He kicked the bench that he had been laying on.
“Fuck!” He growled. He stayed in the compartment for a few more minutes, only enough time for him to calm down, the full moon was weeks away, he couldn’t even explain his anger, he didn’t have a reason to be so mad.
He quickly made his way out of the train and went to find Peter. “Stupid.” He whispered once more.
_______________________
The sorting ceremony went as usual, students cheering as each 1st years were selected in their house, but if they were honest, they were only really waiting for the buffet.
And so, when the food appeared, as usual, everyone started digging in. Except for one student. Except for Remus.
He “Isn’t hungry” is what he’d told them, Peter and James shared a look, but Sirius was busy telling everyone the story of how he’d met Sarah as she stood shyly by his side, sliding a comment from times to times, although, when he finally stopped, he stared at Remus for a while. Remus ignored him, or tried his best to, his eyes were like a laser, burning into Remus’s scalp as though he could see through him.
As dinner ended, they all climbed the moving stairs towards their rooms.
“-And then I tripped but instead of falling, she caught me by throwing me in the air!” Sirius laughed. He was the only one who did.
“Mate, we’re glad you have a girlfriend now, good for you! Great! But please...stop talking” Peter exclaimed tiredly as they entered their new dorm.
Remus didn’t bother changing, he immediately climbed in a random bed and closed the curtains, barely taking his shoes off.
The three other marauders exchanged a look and Remus could hear them whispering, he swiftly put a sound blocking spell on his curtains and stared at the ceiling.
“Stupid” He whispered. How could I be so stupid, he thought. He couldn’t understand, no matter how hard he tried, how he could have ever thought there might have been something, between them. Between him and Sirius.
He tried not to think about it, about why he was so angry today. Was it because of his nightmare from earlier, or because he was stupid enough to have fantasized that, maybe, Remus could like Sirius, and that maybe, Sirius could like him too.
“Stupid” He whispered again as he rolled to his side, he curled himself into a ball, his long members still hurting from the last full moon. That was usually when the nightmares were the worst, which is how he had gained a new scar across his thigh.
A single tear slid across his cheek. He grabbed a pillow from underneath him and groaned into it.
“Remus? What are you doing?” It was Sirius, his face was peeking from the curtains. Remus shot up, staring into Sirius’s eyes. He quickly wiped his face and cleared his throat.
“Sorry, just uh…” What was he doing indeed.
“Are you okay?” Sirius asked. “We thought you might not be since the full was a few days ago…” We thought, not I thought.
“I’m fine.” The words came out dryer than he intended for them to come out, yet the damage was done, because Sirius was looking at him weird now.
“Okay, gee.” Sirius rolled his eyes and started backing away.
“Is that all? Or did you come here to talk about your girlfriend again?” This time, his tone was intended.
“Oh! So this is what it’s about then?” Sirius glared, his brows furrowed.
He could hear Peter in the back, telling him “Don’t start Sirius.”. It was already too late.
“You’re jealous! Jealous because I have a girlfriend and you don’t!”
“What?!” He exclaimed, laying a wonky leg out of the bed, getting ready to come out. His nerves had been boiling since they’d arrived at Hogwarts and now, Sirius was stirring the pot.
“Yeah! You just hate to see me have a girlfriend, meanwhile you haven’t even had one since third year!” God, he was infuriating, why wouldn’t he just let him be? Did he come here to pick a fight with him?
Peter and James were both trying calm them down. Telling them that this isn’t worth it, that there’s no point in fighting over this.
And maybe they were right, but Sirius just wouldn’t stop- couldn’t stop. Not when this was the only real conversation they’d had all day. Not when he was waiting for Remus to scream at him, throw something, anything.
“You know what?” Remus finally said. “Piss off Sirius. I’m going to bed.” He had never seen Remus resign so fast, usually, their fights would go on for hours until finally, they’d get tired and someone told them to shut up and they would. This was weird.
“Huh?” He was confused, so confused. Why aren’t you screaming? He thought.
“Night.” Without waiting for an answer, Remus climbed into bed and shut the curtains, leaving Sirius confused and distraught.
“...oh.” He muttered. It was all he could say. He quickly followed and went into his own bed. He couldn’t help the few tears that dripped from his eyes onto his cheeks.
Why was he this upset? They had fought before, worse than this, sometimes even physically. But this wasn’t like any fight they’d had. This was different. This was wrong.
He shed a few tears more before falling asleep. Tomorrow would be like any other day after a fight, they’d silently agree that everything is fine at breakfast and then spend the day together, like usual.
_____________________________
Sirius woke up with his cheeks sticky from dried tears. When he was finally pulled out of bed by James, Peter looked at him with exasperation.
“Pads come on, we’ll be late for breakfast.” He mumbled.
Instead of getting ready like James and Peter were urging him to, all he did was staring at Remus’s bed, it was messy, the sheets were tangled over the mattress and the curtains were only half-hung.
“Where’s Remus?” He asked.
“Don’t know. I think he went ahead.” Peter answered.
Sirius put his face in his hands and groaned, James pat his back before leaving. “You’ll join us there when you’re ready.” He said.
Thousands of thoughts started flowing in Sirius’s mind, repeating endlessly: You fucked this up again, What’s wrong with you, Why do you keep messing things up? Are you being a fuck-up on purpose?
But one thought was obnoxiously persistent: Remus hates you now. He hates you, he hates you, he hates you.
___________________
The gryffindors had a tradition: Each year, a day after the sorting ceremony, there would be a gathering. Over the years, the tradition had evolved. Now, instead of a ‘gathering’ it was a party.
This year’s party was especially grand. Pupils from fifth to seventh year were invited to the gryffindor common room to participate.
Everything was going great, conversations were flowing, drinks were served and groups were made. Lily had even found a way to make sure that anyone under 16 couldn’t drink any form of alcohol, she had used some form of complicated spell making that had everyone, especially Pandora, very impressed.
Peter, Lily and Marlene were in a corner talking, Barty, Evan, Regulus, Pandora and Dorcas were taking shots, Remus, James, Sirius and Mary were sat in one of the sofas, talking with a drink in their hands.
Music was blasting and a lot of people were either swinging to the music or trying their best to listen to what their friends were saying.
So, when Remus said he was okay, everyone believed him. Who wouldn’t be at a party like this? Still, Remus engaged in conversation, talking mostly with Mary as he was still mad with Sirius.
At some point-around 11 PM, Pandora started forming a circle with her friends, who then brought theirs, in the end, the marauders, Sarah, Lily, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Barty, Regulus and Evan were all sat in a small circle on the floor.
Sirius and Sarah were sitting next to each others, Remus couldn’t help but feel even worse. Seeing them together was awful, especially because of how close they were sitting. Geez, get a room? He had thought. He hadn’t realized he had been staring at them until Sarah waved towards him with a confused expression.
Most of them were tipsy, although Sarah, Barty and Lily had drunk more than the rest of them, but Mary, and Remus stayed sober.
“Let’s play truth of dare!” Pandora yelped, clapping her hands together.
“What?” asked Regulus, swinging a bit due to the alcohol that was flooding his senses.
“It’s a muggle game, it’s very easy, you ask a person “truth or dare” and they have to choose between saying something true about their lives or whatever, or-” She was interrupted by Lily.
“-Do a dare.” Lily was staring at Pandora with something none of the others had ever seen in her eyes before, it was hunger. Even Pandora, who would usually be offended by being cut off, couldn’t speak.
“...Yeah.” She said, staring in her eyes with the same intensity, a shudder shook her. Pandora turned her attention back to the rest of the group. Seeing everyone was as shocked as her, she tried to play it cool by telling Mary to start asking.
“Regulus, truth or dare” Mary asked excitedly.
Regulus pondered before answering, “Dare.” He finally said.
“I dare you to kiss the person you’re the most attracted to.” She was practically shaking with excitement, she always was when someone would introduce a muggle thing to her. This one was particularly interesting because she could ask people to kiss and no one would say anything.
Regulus didn’t hesitate, he immediately started crawling towards James, who looked like he had just seen a puppy kiss a giraffe.
“Hi.” James whispered before Regulus kissed him, Mary squealed, Pandora and Peter giggled and Sirius groaned although he had a smile on his face.
When Regulus pulled away, James fingers twitched towards him before he quickly regained his composure.
The game went on for a few more minutes before it was Marlene’s tun to ask, with a mix of kisses, push-ups and of embarrassing or funny truths.
Marlene, being the gossip she was, asked Remus: “Remus, truth or dare?”
“Mmh...Truth” He awnsered.
“Okay, Is there a bloke you fancy?” She asked with a huge grin.
His eyes unconsciously landed on Sirius, he could see Sirius bend as if he was interested in the answer, a mix of anxiousness and anger washed over his features. His blue eyes staring into Remus’s face, burning a hole in his head as he patiently waited for an answer.
“...Yes.” Some of them gasped, some of them were whispering small “I knew it” s and some were giggling.
“Who?!” Marlene yelped before throwing herself towards Remus, who was right in front of her, to shake him by the shoulders. “Is he at Hogwarts? Oh! Is he hot?”
Remus couldn’t help but laugh seeing his friend’s reaction. Lily hit him behind the head.
“Go on then, answer her ‘stead of laughing!” She said with a small giggle.
“Yes and yes, he is at Hogwarts and he is very hot.” He tried his best not to look at Sirius, his cheeks and neck had become a vicious red, highlighting his scars.
Before he could even attempt a look at Sirius, he noticed Sirius was getting up. The smile that had been on his face just seconds ago had disappeared, replaced with clenched teeth and turned into a frown, his ears were burning because of shame.
He quickly blinked away a few tears. Before he could let his mind spiral, he saw Sarah stumbling, trying to get up to go after him.
“Don’t. I’ll go.” He shot up and practically ran after Sirius, he could hear someone talking to him but he was too upset to listen.
Remus could see Sirius strutting through the corridors, he ran up to him and grabbed him by the arm, forcing Sirius to look at him.
“What the fuck is your problem Sirius.” Remus spat. He was angry-so angry he could feel his fists clench around the fabric of Sirius’s robes.
Sirius pulled his away. “My problem? Remus, what is your problem?! You fancy some bloke and you don’t even tell me? I thought we were best friends.”
“Do not pull that card, why are you so pissed anyway?! So what if I like some bloke? What’s it to you, huh?” Remus shoved Sirius hard enough to make him stumble backwards.
Truthfully, Sirius didn’t know why he was this mad. He just...was. He felt betrayed and sad and so tired. He didn’t want to fight, but fights came naturally with Remus. Sure, they were best friends, but lately, they felt more like enemies. There was an animosity in Sirius that wouldn’t die, no matter how much time passed after their last fight, resentment would keep growing until the other fight, and again, and again.
It was an endless loop, a circle that surely had a beginning, but the circle had already been drawn and now there was no way to tell where it had started and where it would end.
Remus was waiting for an answer, looking at Sirius like he’d kicked a puppy. Don’t look at me like that, he thought.
Remus shoved him again, softer this time.
“Why won’t you answer..?” His voice was hushed. Sirius was used to Remus being quiet, when he was reading or studying, but not like this. Not when Remus was looking at him like that.
Remus’s eyes were wet and beady, tears were about to spill out. His amber eyes had always hypnotized Sirius, and obviously, they had been right now as Sirius couldn’t speak.
Absorbed in their beauty, he couldn’t think straight, and maybe it was the alcohol, or the fact that they’d been arguing, but all Sirius could think about was how beautiful his best friend was.
Remus swallowed, his throat bobbing catching Sirius’s attention. “Please..Answer me.” He looked as desperate as he sounded. A tear was falling on Remus’s cheek and his first instinct was to wipe it, not realizing how intimate the gesture was until his hand was on Remus’s face, cupping his jaw and wiping the tear with his thumb.
But even when he did catch on, he didn’t move, or couldn’t, not until he could memorize the feeling of his face in his hand. How each bit of scar tissue felt in his palm, every bump and every mole.
Remus took a step back. All the anger he had previously had left his body, leaving him empty but full at the same time, the problem was figuring out what that funny feeling was.
Sirius’s hand retrieved back to his side, leaving the both of them to stare at each others. This was weird, even for them, the werewolf and the disowned animagi, a nice band name, Sirius had thought. This was probably one of the only thing he had processed of the night.
He was feeling way more sober than just a minute ago.
“I...Have to go.” Sirius said before starting to walk again, leaving Remus alone in the corridor, feeling utterly confused.