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"J.J., I promise I don't need you trying to set me up with anyone. I'm good." Shane's fighting a smile as he friend dramatically sighs but accepts what he's said. His chest squeezes at how much his friends care about him, how much they want him to be happy and find someone.
This is one of the moments where Shane wishes he could simply tell J.J. that he does have a boyfriend. That he's been in a devastatingly complex situationship (as the rookies would call it) for over a decade, and more recently, a committed relationship with the same man. The love of his life if he resorts to the cheesy, romantic phrases he hears often on his in-flight movie watches. If he could just admit that he has someone who loves him, sees him for who he is, his flaws and all, and still wants him.
But that would mean telling J.J. that he's been lying to him and their teammates for over a decade. That everytime someone cracked a joke about how much he and Ilya hated one another, Shane's heart skipped a beat. Worried they'd realize how wrong of an idea that was. That someone would figure out he's wildly attracted to Rozanov of all people. That Shane is gay and loves being "the hole" rather than the peg. That last thought was definitely a stretch considering that hockey players are about as oblivious as they come but still.
Part of hiding his relationship is painful because he knows the truth will hurt his friend. The fact that he trusted Hayden with the information of his relationship but not J.J..
"Ah Hollander," his thick accent dragging the syllables of Shane's last name out in a way that Shane would possibly be attracted too if he didn't have Ilya. Maybe. "I know you are good. Good captain and good friend." Another heart clench. "You just seem lonely from time to time."
"I'm not lonely. I have you, Hayd and the guys. Plus Rose!" J.J. rolls his eyes at Shane mentioning his ex-girlfriend, who coincidentally, also helped him realize he was not into women.
"Can't believe you aren't attracted to that gorgeous movie star, a damn shame." He stretches, the bottom of his shirt lifting, exposing his hard-earned abdominal muscles, and turns to the door of the locker room. "If you ever change your mind Hollander and want to meet my friend David—"
"J.J. again, I would not date someone who has the same name as my dad. That's weird. I promise I'm good, okay?" J.J. shrugs but doesn't push. He moves off the locker room bench, salutes Shane and exits. Shane sits quietly for a minute before he hears the showers turn off. Hayden exits with a white towel wrapped around his waist, his hair dripping water all over the floor as if he didn't wring it out before walking back into the space where Shane sits.
"Was J.J. trying to convince you to go out with David?" Hayden opens his locker: a terrifying labyrinth of old hockey gear, various doodles from his children and an alarming amount of spray deodorant. Shane turns his head to give him privacy to change but Hayden still has the towel wrapped around his waist when he closes his locker. Shane smiles at his best friend's eyebrow waggle.
"Ha, yes. J.J. was insistent he found someone good for me. A personal trainer—wait how did you know about David? Have you two discussed my love life?" It's Hayden's turn to sheepishly look at him, his hand moving to scratch at the back of his neck. He plops down on the bench to Shane's right. This seemed like the move of a scared animal approaching a predator. Shane did not like it.
"Only once or twice." Shane groans and drops his head. "It's not my fault! He wants to check in on you and you refuse to tell him the truth, so he comes to me because we're your friends and care about you." He cocks his head to the side with a case of puppy eye dogs. "Forgive me?"
"It's not that serious Hayd," Shane huffs. "But why did you discuss him setting me up with David? Even if you couldn't tell him the truth, you could've told him I didn't need to be set up with anyone."
"Because David sounds nice. Plus J.J. showed me a picture and he's hot dude. Totally your type."
Shane's brows pinch. He lifts his head to watch Hayden's face when he asks the next question.
"How would you know my type? Ilya is the only man I've ever shown attraction towards. That would clearly qualify him as my type."
"Yeah, yeah," Hayden waves his hand in a dismissive motion, "you only believe that because Ilya's the only guy you've... ya know."
Shane's lip twitches. "No he isn't Hayd." Hayden's eyebrows shoot up. "I've been with other men before."
"The hell?! When? Who?" Each reactive response slowly grates on Shane's nerves. He's trying to remain calm but his friend is making it difficult.
"Not that it's any of your business but I've had experiences outside of Ilya. And they made me realize that he's it for me. They were average hookups but the whole time I was terrified of being caught." He pauses to take a deep breath. "Ilya is the only one I've ever been with that the thought of being discovered both terrifies me and puts me at ease."
The dumbfounded look on Hayden's face is somewhat hilarious. This isn't new information being presented to him; he's known of their relationship and the relative timeline for years. Him playing ignorant is getting old. Quickly.
"All this time I thought you were shacking yourself up with the first guy you've ever been with because he's all you've ever known." A short hysterical laugh. "Of course you can do better than Ilya Rozanov, you've just never tried."
And that was it.
Shane moves to stand beside Hayden, giving himself higher ground and asserting himself to someone he views as a close friend. "What the fuck are you talking about."
There is a slight satisfaction at how fast Hayden's amused expression falls and is replaced with a twinge of discomfort. Clearly he didn't view his thought process as problematic and somehow "forgot" who he was discussing the matter with.
As if Shane would sit there and allow him to dismiss his boyfriend so aggressively.
"Shane, it's a joke. Relax."
"Don't tell me to fucking relax when you just claimed "I could do better"." Each word clear and articulated as if he's talking to a toddler. In a way, he is. This overgrown manchild has let his long held grudge against Ilya Rozanov grow into a clear distaste for the man, even after spending numerous leisurely occasions with him.
For God's sake, Shane and Ilya had recently watched the Pike children during their one day off because Jackie hurt her ankle and no one else was available. Shane would have needed more convincing if it wasn't for the clear excitement on his boyfriend's face to watch the kids. He'll make a good father one day, Shane knows that to be true.
"I didn't mean anything by it—" "Doesn't fucking matter Hayden."
Hayden cringes at Shane's tone, crossing his arms in a self-protective manner.
"He's my boyfriend and has been for years. Just because our teammates don't know that and you do, doesn't mean you get to act as if you have a say in my relationship. You're one of my best friends Hayden but he's my best friend." Hayden opens his mouth to argue but Shane doesn't let him.
"It's one thing for you and Ilya to bicker whenever we have double dates or come over to spend time with your family but to now insinuate I deserve someone better than him because you hold onto this moronic beef," he pauses to collect his thoughts, "Hayden I'm pissed off."
The man's head droops and he shrinks further into himself. "I really didn't mean it like that. Rozanov and I still have a weird relationship dude. I feel like you let him be mean to me but I can't do it in return?"
"What you just said wasn't playful bickering. That was a confirmation that you don't approve of my partner, who has lightened up towards you immensely, and that he isn't good enough for me. Which I take offense to Hayden." Shane sighs and sits down on the bench beside him.
"You've not known me without Ilya in my life. We've been circling around each other since the summer before our draft Hayd." A moment of introspection. "Honestly, you and I might not have become close if it wasn't for Ilya."
Hayden squawks. "What do you mean by that?"
"He's built my confidence over the years." Shane shrugs. "Not just because we've been hooking up but also to engage with peers, stand up for myself, etc. I'm not saying you and I wouldn't have become friends but if you hadn't discovered Lily… you might not know about Ilya now."
Hayden's jaw drops at this revelation. It's clear to Shane that he's never really considered the timeline of their relationship beyond a broad overview. How Shane's opened up more to the team, his dynamic with Rose or even how much lighter he's become over the years. Things are clicking into place for Hayden all in front of Shane's eyes.
"Wow. I've never considered that before. You really have grown up with him, huh?"
"Yes. Also with you and J.J, but yes. We've known each other since we were in Juniors Hayd. That's a long time to maintain any form of relationship." His knee has a phantom shoot of pain to remind him how old they're all getting. Time feels fleeting when you're in your late twenties and still in the closet.
"Yeah." Hayden's much quieter now, clearly processing this information. "I'm sorry Shane. You're right, what I said wasn't funny and I realize now how shitty it was."
"Yes, it was shitty. How would you feel if I said you deserved better than Jackie?"
His eyes shoot up to Shane's. "I'd feel fucking awful. And pissed at you."
"Exactly. So why wouldn't I feel the same?"
"Okay. I see your point. It was a shitty thing to say." Hayden shifts to face Shane fully on the bench. "He really is good for you. Jackie and I are still so grateful you two sacrificed your day off to help us." He's suddenly shy again. "The kids keep asking for updates on their "married" uncles."
Shane lets out a laugh. "Be sure to tell them their Uncle Ilya keeps his ring on the nightstand. Wouldn't be surprised if he one day proposed with it."
Hayden's face softens, head tilting to slyly look at Shane. "Is that what you want one day? For him to propose to you?"
He ducks his head while trying to hide his smile. "I think so. One day, much further down the line, but yeah. I want to marry him."
The smile Hayden flashes him is real—soft and warm. Shane isn't expecting it since this conversation has been nothing but tense so he smiles in return.
"I mean it Shane, I'm really fucking sorry. I'll do better about how I talk to Rozanov and about him. But he has too as well! No more "fifteenth best player on the Metros" jokes."
"What if the joke is true?" "Hey!"
"Kidding, kidding. I'll talk with him about toning it down. Thank you for actually listening and not just dismissing it."
Hayden stands up from the bench, towel somehow not budging from the spot it's tied around his waist, and walks back towards his locker. "You've grown Shane, so have I. I might not get it right, well, most of the time but Jackie does admire how good of a listener I've become. She says I get that from you."
"So I'm rubbing off on you?"
Hayden spins around so quickly, it's a legitimate concern he's going too fall and bust his head open. "What no Shane that's so—"
"Hayd relax. It was a joke."
"Oh ha. Yeah I guess so then." Shane shakes his head. This entire conversation has drained him, this day has drained him. He misses Ilya with a bone-deep longing. It would be several days before they see one another again.
Hayden's finally clothed, his equipment bag high on his shoulder, hair nearly dry from how long they've remained. "I gotta get home. Promised the twins I'd read them another chapter of Percy Jackson tonight."
"Tell Jackie I said hi, bye Hayd."
"Peace!"
Shane lets himself remain in the silence of the locker room for a few more minutes. Today had been a combination of physically taxing due to practice and emotionally draining due to his "caring" friends. J.J. is majorly innocent in all this; Shane really needs to tell him the truth.
He stands slowly and stretches his sore muscles. Grabbing his own bag, he finally exits the locker room. His scheduled video chat date with his boyfriend is the thing that gets him through.