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Simon reread the same sentence he’d been stuck on for about ten minutes at that point. He was oscillating between reading the same few words and just staring at the wall, before forgetting what he was doing and read the words again.
He didn’t know what was up with him. He’d been fine for the most part but today felt like a big jump back. He kept seeing glimpses of moving red things in the corner of his eye but when he turned to look, there was nothing there. It didn’t stop him from trying. Grace must think he’s crazy. He was sure of it.
Right now the biologist was up in the lab tending to the Taumoeba farms. Simon knew his weekly routine by now. Today was one of the biweekly inspections. Now that they were solidly in the middle of nowhere on the way to Erid, with one escaped Taumoeba they’d be done for.
It was best not to dwell on such possibilities. Simon also didn’t want to dwell on the fact that he was more worried about losing Grace now than losing his own life. He’d rather not go back at all but if he had to, he’d get back in the blood ocean if it meant saving Grace’s life. Did he feel the same about Simon? Would Grace have agreed to get shot into space if he knew he’d meet Simon?
Another thing he’d rather not think about, lest the answer not be the one he wanted.
So stare at the wall it is. But it didn’t stop the thoughts spinning around in his head. He felt a familiar twinge in his chest, warning the beginnings of a downward spiral. What if he hadn’t been transported here? What if he really did die down there and this was somehow heaven. If so what did he do to deserve this?
That hell down in the ocean was what he deserved. He was a butcher. He was ‘the Butcher’. Did Grace see him like that? Somehow that thought was worse than he himself knowing who he was. Why did everything have to be so complicated with Grace?
One thing was for certain: Simon loved him. He’d never been more certain about anything in his life.
Another feeling then entered his chest. A sort of longing. Did he miss Grace? The man was just up in the labs, why did Simon’s heart feel the need to miss him? No matter how ridiculous he thought it was, it didn’t stop him feeling what he felt.
He was trying to get better at not locking everything away and actually acknowledging his feelings, something Grace had to teach him. He was good at teaching, even though Simon knew that’s what his job had been, he was damn good at it.
It really felt like most of Grace’s time was spent undoing all the harm done on Simon by Eden. Simon often felt so guilty about it. It made him feel like he could never ask for anything, lest it one day be too much. Maybe deep down he knew that wouldn’t be the case but as he was trying not to ignore his feelings, he couldn’t ignore it.
That longing feeling soon overtook whatever downward spiral he’d been on. Now it was just Grace that occupied his thoughts. His overwhelming softness, his sweet warmth, those gentle arms. A particularly sharp stab of yearning accompanied that last thought. What he wouldn’t give to be wrapped in those arms. To kiss those lips.
They’d done it before, couldn’t he just go and do it again? Couldn’t he just go and ask for even just a hug? Something was holding him back though he didn’t actually know what it was. Then a thought appeared, unprompted and sudden like an air bubble rising up from thick liquid. Maybe it was because he wasn’t worthy of love.
Simon shook his head as if to toss the thought out, shifted his laptop off his thighs and onto the table beside him and stood up. Before he knew where he was going, his legs carried him across the ship. He headed towards the labs almost absentmindedly, towards Grace as if he were a homing beacon for Simon.
Since they’d been together it was always Grace that initiated any sort of physical contact. Little touches on his back, holding his hand for brief moments, leaning his head on Simon’s shoulder while they watched something. All significant but never enough.
Simon knew it was all experimental, that Grace didn’t want to push it too far with all Simon had been through. But Simon wished he would push it. He wished Grace would just climb on top of him and make out with him, or just press their bodies together. Or ask for more because Simon knew he wouldn’t be able to. He’d give Grace anything. If he could, he’d have given him the stars.
Though, as far as Simon was concerned, the stars belonged to Grace anyway.
He came up to the doorway of the labs. There was Grace, the lights so bright around him like a spotlight, igniting his golden hair in a halo around his head. Simon would never not be able to see him as an angel. The angel that pulled him from hell. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Angels falling to hell and all that?
It didn’t matter, he had more important things to worry about. Simon’s legs took him into the room, towards his angel. He glanced over to the side to see Rocky, unnervingly still. He was asleep, Simon had to remind himself. Grace must be watching him while he works.
Simon felt bad about thinking this way but he was almost glad the Eridian would be out of the way. Rocky liked to exclaim very loudly how gross it was when they kissed, and teased them about being together. It was getting tiring but Simon wasn’t sure how to bring it up with him, or Grace for that matter.
As Simon approached, he worried that Grace didn’t know he was there. Especially since he began humming to himself very badly. Simon let a soft smile creep its way over his lips. That man was just about the dorkiest person he’d ever met, and it was the trait Simon loved most about him.
The smile disappeared as he now saw how close he was to Grace. It would be so easy to just reach out. Before he knew it, that’s exactly what he was doing. It was almost involuntary with just how badly he wanted to feel Grace’s touch. His fingers made contact with Grace’s back. The man made a little startled noise that blended into the melody he was humming, the last note rising in pitch. Then as Simon flattened his palm over his shoulder blade, Grace gave a short exhale of relief.
“Hey Simon,” he greeted, his smile audible in his voice, though he didn’t look up from his microscope. Simon didn’t mind so much, it might even make it easier for him to do what he was about to do next. He had literally battled a giant mutated eel from inside a tiny submarine with no windows and this was getting his heart racing?
Simon let his hand glide down Grace’s back, stopping below the man’s arm. He then stepped forward, keeping his arm stiff enough so his hand travelled forward with his advance. He allowed himself to get as close as he wanted, hoping he wasn’t distracting Grace too much.
A vision of Grace telling him to go away and that he was working came to the forefront of his mind, uninvited. Simon shoved it away. Grace had always been so patient with him, why the hell would he snap at him now?
Any worries he had about initiating this physical contact immediately left him as he heard Grace’s breathing hitch and felt him straighten up. Simon came close enough that his torso connected with Grace’s back. His arm was now around the other’s chest, just below his pecks. He leaned forward just a little more, draping his body over Grace’s back and allowing himself to squeeze the other to him with his arm.
Simon silently praised whoever designed the ship to make the lab stools backless, for one thing, and at just the right height for him to do this. He really enjoyed the fact that he had the space to appreciate the small things like this. He relaxed into the moment and into Grace, his thumb rubbing absentminded circles over the other’s shirt as he buried his face in the space between Grace’s neck and shoulder.
Simon then realised how quiet the man had been. Grace was sitting completely still, almost stunned. Until Simon felt him lift a hand to his arm, rubbing it up and down, then leaning his head on Simon’s. Even though Simon had what he wanted, it still didn’t feel like enough.
He gave Grace’s neck a quick kiss, revelling at the gasp it earned him, before pulling away. Only just enough so that he could step around Grace’s side, keeping his hand on the man at all times. Grace was staring up at him, a pink tint having spread over his cheeks.
“How important is your work right now?” Simon asked flatly. It took Grace a moment to collect himself before he could answer.
“Um, I- I’m basically done I just have to tidy up.” He moved to get up before he paused and looked back at Simon. “Why?” His tone wasn’t judgemental, more just nervous curiosity. Or was that excitement.
Simon squirmed under the other’s gaze. He opened his mouth but the words wouldn’t come before he closed it again. ‘Can we cuddle?’ sounded so childish in his mind, say nothing of actually saying it out loud. Though it was what he wanted. He just wanted to pick Grace up, carry him to the bunk room and curl up in his arms, safe. Finally safe.
“You ok, Simon?” Grace’s voice brought him back to reality. ‘No not really,’ was what Simon wanted to say but it seemed his vocal cords decided they’d take a day off. So he just shrugged. Grace looked him over and thought for a moment, analysing. Then he seemed to understand.
“Do you want to cuddle?” Again, no judgement could be found in Grace’s tone. It made it easy for Simon to nod, maybe a little too eagerly. Grace smiled so genuinely that Simon thought he might melt.
“Ok baby, just give me a second.” This time Simon did melt. No one had ever called him that before. Even Grace himself didn’t seem to realise that was the first time he’d ever used that nickname for Simon.
A small whine fought its way out of his throat as Grace got up to arrange and clean his microscope slides and the Taomoeba farms. Simon felt a little dumb just standing there watching him, but it didn’t last long as Grace was soon finished.
“You wanna go to the bunk room?” Grace took up Simon’s hand. Simon nodded. With that they walked the short distance and were soon at their destination. Grace got up on his cot, sitting up slightly and opened his arms, gesturing for Simon to come.
Simon climbed up, slightly clumsy, and settled between the other’s legs. He planted his hand on the cot, lifted himself and attempted to bring himself up higher on Grace but his arm was not having it with having to holding all his torso weight. He was stuck hovering over Grace, his only way out being to collapse all his weight on the significantly less dense man. He let out a sigh of embarrassment.
Grace seemed to see his predicament and with a bite-less giggle, he leaned forward. He pressed his chest to Simon’s, wrapping his arms around the other’s torso and pulling him close. He lowered himself back down, keeping Simon tight against his body.
Simon should’ve felt ridiculous at the whole ordeal but he just felt…loved? The only other person to make him feel like that was his mother. This was different though.
Simon manoeuvred his way up to rest his face in Grace’s neck again. He always felt so close to the other when he did that, like Grace trusted him enough to keep him that close to his vitals. Simon knew that was such an animalistic way of thinking, but when you grow up in a dog eat dog world like the one on Eden, you have to worry about that sort of thing.
But now?
Simon pushed himself up so he could look at Grace. He just stared for a moment before he spoke.
“Can I kiss you?” Grace nodded eagerly, hands already coming up to Simon’s face. Simon leaned in as far as he could, meeting with Grace’s lips. The kiss was so tender, so full of love. It spoke a thousand words the two of them couldn’t bring themselves to say quite yet.
They made out gently for some time, before Simon’s arm began to tremble and his neck was starting to hurt from the awkward angle. Grace ultimately had to be the one to push him off.
“Simon, you’re shaking.” Grace’s voice was little more than a whisper. Simon all but collapsed onto the other, still holding himself up on his elbow, even as his shoulder continued to shake.
“Sorry,” Simon was even quieter as he dropped his head. Grace brushed his hair out of the way and kissed his forehead. His lips rested there for a few seconds.
“No need to be sorry, Simon,” he said into the other’s forehead before bringing his hands to Simon’s torso, pushing up slightly to hold his weight. He shimmied down so he was laying more on his back and pulled Simon down onto him.
“Which side is better for you to lay on, baby?” There was that nickname again. Simon let out a shaky exhale, almost losing himself before he realised that was a question he needed to answer.
“Uh, right. Left arm still hurts.” He could only say the bare minimum but he still got his point across. Grace nodded and rolled the both of them over to Simon’s right side. It was better like this since it didn’t put pressure on his amputation site, but it meant he couldn’t wrap his arm around Grace. He tired not to pout as he let the other lay him down.
They were eye level and a few inches apart on pillow. They simply gazed at each other for a while. Simon brought his hand up, slid it around to the back of Grace’s head to the best of his ability and caressed the back of his scalp in slow circular motions with his nails. Grace’s eyes fluttered closed as a whine crawled from his throat.
As soon as the sound left him his eyes shot back open, blush spreading all the way to his ears.
“I- ah- sorry,” Grace tried apologising, though the continued scratching at the back of his scalp made it hard to think about anything else. Simon just laughed.
“You’re so cute, Ryland.” He watched as Grace’s blush darkened even more. “Wanna kiss you again.” This time it wasn’t really a request, more just him expressing his desire. Grace nodded nonetheless and leaned forward along with Simon.
Their lips connected once more in a kiss just as sweet as their last. Along with Simon resuming his caresses, Grace got lost completely. A giggle bubbled up and out of him, breaking the kiss.
“Aren’t I supposed to be loving on you?” He joked.
Simon laughed in return. “You’re just so easy to fluster.”
Grace fought through his haze and brought a hand to Simon’s cheek, rubbing slow circles over his jaw with his thumb.
“And you’re just so pretty.” The words just came out of him so easily. Maybe it was because it was true. Simon just stared. He wasn’t going to try to dispute Grace on matters like this. The certainty in his eyes, the adoration, it shut any protest down before it could even hope to leave Simon’s mouth.
Then Grace snuck his own hand behind the other’s head, sliding it under Simon’s thick locks to his scalp and ran his nails over the skin. It was an experiment really. The two of them were still learning so much about each other in the more intimate ways.
Grace had to fight the urge to catalogue Simon’s reaction. The man’s breath hitched as his eyes rolled back in his head. A low hum escaped him and his brows furrowed so prettily. Grace couldn’t resist leaning forward and kissing everywhere he could reach. Planting a kiss over his furrowed brow, then on his nose, his cheek, his jaw, pulling back to gaze at him before moving in to kiss his lips.
Simon was loving every second. For the first time, he found himself able to take Grace’s affection guilt free. It felt so good.
As soon as Grace pulled away, Simon buried his head into the other’s chest, kissing his neck a few times before settling down. Grace held him tight as if he never wanted to let him go. Simon wanted the same.
All of a sudden, a wave of exhaustion swept over Simon. Since when was he so tired? He grumbled into Grace’s chest.
“What is it, baby?” Grace chuckled, resting his chin on the other’s head.
“‘M tired.” Came the simple, muffled reply. Grace hummed and ran his fingers through those dark locks.
“You wanna sleep? I don’t mind staying here.” Simon nodded. “Ok. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Simon smiled into Grace’s chest as he drifted off.