Work Text:
Atsushi felt better.
Better in the sense that his physical body, and therefore his health, has improved. Ever since Yosano had given him a diet to follow, his body fat and muscle content increased significantly. Now he doesn't look as malnourished as he used to, and that makes Atsushi feel a little less insecure about his appearance.
However, Atsushi's mental state has not improved in the slightest. He does feel less alone, but even that has its downsides. Now that he knows what it's like to have people there for you, the boy has become 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘥 of being alone. Of being abandoned.
Another side effect of Atsushi's new life was his hunger. Back when he in the orphanage, sometimes his hunger would disappear for a while, giving Atsushi the peace of mind he so craved. But now that hunger didn't subside for anything.
His other type of hunger, the hunger that he hates, has also came back to bite him in the ass. He knows that this hunger, the one that feels as if it not his own, does not subside unless he eats 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯 flesh. On this particular day, his hunger for flesh is especially strong. However, Atsushi refuses to tell anyone about his internal struggle. They would hate him; all of his friends would surely abandon him and leave him to rot. He's sure of it. So Atsushi must keep these urges under wraps, at least at the agency.
Atsushi was thinking about all of this, typing away at his computer as the sun shone bright in the sky. It was nice finally having a place to call home. The room was full of life as most of the agency members were here today. Everyone was doing their own thing, loudly chatting away with eachother like usual. Atsushi attempt to bury the growing unease in his chest as he focuses again on his work. The only people not currently at the office were Kenji and Kyouka, who were out of a mission.
Other individuals, such as Yosano and Fukusawa, were in their respective offices. Tanizaki and Naiomi were both down stairs taking their lunch break, despite it only being one hour till lunch.
Atsushi looks up from his computer screen and scans the room, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of noise. His sensitive hearing was not used to the loud noise level the agency sometimes had, so when his friends got too loud Atsushi's anxiety would spike. Everybody's voices overlapped, making it nearly impossible for the overwhelmed Atsushi to identify who was saying what. His craving for human meat hits him like a wave, slowly washing over him in the way that it always does. Atsushi was sure to the normal eye he looked fine, peaceful even. Which was favorable. He really didn't want his friends worrying about him.
Despite his best efforts to drown out his unusual cravings, Atsushi could not help but think about how tantalizing a nice large slab of meat sounded. His fingers started up again, glided over the keyboard rhythmically, typing words while he was zoning out. The more Atsushi thought about meat, the more he began to salivate.
Suddenly, something warm and wet hit Atsushi's chin, startling him out of his trance. He flinches, barely noticeable, as he raises his hand towards his chin to identify the mystery liquid.
Oh no, he was 𝘥𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨.
Quickly wiping off his mouth with his sleeve, Atsushi tries to hide the evidence of his sinful desires.
'Please, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 tell me that nobody noticed!'
Panicking, Atsushi frantically looking around to check if anyone caught the unconscious act.
Thankfully, everyone was either engulfed in whatever they were doing far away or was not looking at Atsushi. He breathes a sigh of relief, relieved, but his anxiety doesn't leave him fully. Now Atsushi is on edge and worried about the drooling happening again, like him salivating would be the detonater for the end of the world.
However foolish that may sound, Atsushi felt like his world would end if a single soul found out about his second hunger. At this point, Atsushi is so consumed by his anxious thoughts that he is just zoning out and staring aimlessly at his desk.
He faintly notices the pencils and pens scattered across his desk. He needs to clean that up. There are also a stack of paper reports he needs to finish, and quickly too. He has no time to procrastinate. The report open on his computer stares blankly at him, half finished and boring to the point that Atsushi could claw his eyes out.
All of these mini responsibilities pile up, just making the boy more anxious. He unconsciously brings his fingers to his mouth and starts biting his nails, an unsavory habit he has had since he was a child.
The only thing on Atsushi's mind is that he needs to get his work done, and 𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵. He reeaalllyy doesn't want to have to work through his lunch break. He's already hungry enough as it is, and skipping his lunch would only make his hunger worse.
Atsushi's breathing quickens slightly, a gesture so subtle that it goes unnoticed in the chaos of the agency. Atsushi is not just stressed about all the tasks he has yet to do. Those tasks are relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things. No, what Atsushi worries more about is being a 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘶𝘳𝘦. Being 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴, just like the headmaster said he was. He refuses to prove the headmaster right, that man was cruel and always spoke lies.
Lies that Atsushi, to this day, still believes.
Atsushi, completely shredding his nail, starts nipping at the skin on his fingertip. It stings a little, but goes unnoticed in Atsushi's spiral of panic. His mind keeps circling around how failure is not an option, how worried he is about the agency hating him, and how he would 𝘬𝘪𝘭𝘭 for a taste of human right now.
The boy starts shaking, tears welling up in his eyes. They make his unusual colored eyes sparkle even more than normal, and now Atsushi's calm exterior has been shattered. If someone were to look, they could tell that something was not right with the boy.
A faint crunch is heard. It's light, like someone eating a cracker. It's most likely Ranpo munching on some snacks again, as usual, so Atsushi ignores it. Suddenly, the taste of human meat floods into his mouth. 𝘍𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺, Atsushi thinks, the taste of flesh he has been craving so much today has come to bless him.
Atsushi quietly moans at the taste, posture slightly relaxing. It just 𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥. A second small crunch is heard, most likely still Ranpo. Atsushi can't bring himself to care, though, because right now he feels as if he is in heaven. He circles his tounge around the sorce of the magnificent taste, savoring how crunchy the meat feels and the beautiful metallic tang the blood gives it.
Atsushi sighs in relief. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 is what he needed. Atsushi can feel the tiger in him purr in relief, though it is still not satiated. He grows greedy and decides to take more of the mysterious sorce of flavor.
Crunch
Crunch
Crunch
The crunching now gives Atsushi comfort, and he appreciates whoever is making that sound. He also appreciates the new wave of delectable flavor that hits Atsushi's tastebuds. He sinks into the flavor, too caught up in the enjoyable experience to notice a pair of eyes expectantly making his way toward Atsushi, as if he asked him a question and was expecting an answer.
Atsushi could almost cry with relief. He would, if he wasn't already crying. He just felt so 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺. With this wonderful, metallic taste on his tounge Atsushi is sure he can get through the rest of his work day.
"—USHI!!"
Atsushi swears he hears his name, but maybe he was just imagining it. He has hallucinations often, so he would not be surprised. He just continues happily munching on meat, satisfied with the crunching noise and fulfilled desire.
"ATSUSHI!!"
Okay, that was definitely louder this time, and clearer. Atsushi was also 99% sure that that was his na—
Suddenly, the tasty meat gets forcefully pulled out of Atsushi's mouth, though Atsushi makes sure to bite down as hard as he can to rip off the last few pieces of his mysterious human meat source. Still though, he's shocked. Who had the audacity to disturb him and his private munching?
Atsushi's eyes fly open and quickly land on the perpetrator who most likely broke into his dorm to steal his snack that he has been craving all day from him because hi—
But Atsushi is not the safety of his dorm. Nor is it a random burglar that Atsushi sees upon opening up his eyes. To Atsushi's surprise, it's Dazai. His mentor. His friend. But why does he look so worried?
Dazai's eyebrows are pinched in concern. As Atsushi looks into Dazai's eyes he witnesses a mix of emotions. Disbelief, horror, worry, and Atsushi thinks he can catch a little bit of disgust sparking up too.
Guilt overcomes Atsushi. Why was Dazai looking at him like that? Then, he looks slightly past the man. He's at the agency. 𝘏𝘦'𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨. At that moment, what can only be described as a gut-wrenching horror overtakes Atsushi's features. Atsushi can't pinpoint what emotion he feels, but it's definitely negative.
"I- I'M SORRY DAZAI-SAN!! I- I didn't realize t- that I was.." Atsushi trails off, looking at the arm Dazai is clutching away from Atsushi.
Oh.
.
.
.
So 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 was where the meat was coming from.
.
.
.
Blood is dripping from a nub that, in the past, could have been called a finger. Now it's just a bloody mess. The boy also noticed that he is shaking, pretty violently too.
A bit of bone is sticking out of the red muscle. The meat surrounding the bone was gone, most likely what Atsushi was chewing on, and the bone glitters white like a full moon. Or Fukusawa's hair, Atsushi thinks still in shock. The full gravity of the situation has yet to be realized by poor Atsushi.
The silence is deafening. Looks of dread are etched into various agency members faces, all them which Atsushi doesn't see.
.
.
.
As Atsushi analyzes his mangled finger more, he realizes that blood is not only on his little nub but all over his hand. It drips down like a serpent surrounding its prey. It's, actually pretty disgusting, Atsushi thinks. What's even worse is that some of his blood is dripping onto Dazai.
.
.
.
Atsushi quickly pulls his hand back, catching Dazai off guard and successfully retrieving his four fingers.
"Dazai-san, your coat! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to get it all bloody! Really I didn't!!! If you let me I can take it home and wash it for you, then it'll be good as new!" Atsushi looks up at Dazai's standing form desperately, hoping to be forgiven for soiling Dazai's coat with his blood. Hoping to make amends for the disgusting scene he has forced the agency to witness. Atsushi disregards his lack of a finger. He's knows it can just regenerate back good as new later, so there's no need to concern himself with it.
Dazai just looks at Atsushi, stunned for a second.
"THAT'S what you're worried about? My COAT?! Atsushi, you just BIT OFF your finger!!" Dazai scolds, and by this point everyone's attention had landed on Dazai and Atsushi.
"ATSUSHI! ARE YOU OKAY!?" Kunikida states urgently, jumping out of his seat and flying towards Atsushi, grabbing the boys arm and quickly assessing how much damage the boy did to himself.
Whispering starts up in the background. Atsushi can't bring himself to try and listen to it, afraid of what he might hear if he does.
"I'm fine Kunikida-san, I can heal on my own. Easy peasy! No need to worry." Atsushi flashed the blonde man a smile, hoping that would ease his worries. He hated that he had bothered the two older males. Hell, he hated that he bothered the 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘺 with his uncontrollable desires.
Atsushi felt tired.
He just wanted to go home.
His finger, or lack of, hurt 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵. Just let the boy cry alone. He wants to deal with this tomorrow, not today. Atsushi's not ready to accept that the agency hates him now. He just wants one more day, one more day of happiness, before they kick him out.
Dazai and Kunikida, now close enough to see the discomfort and hopelessness on Atsushi's tear filled face, make a unanimous decision to escort Atsushi to a separate room. Dazai could 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 the stares drilling holes into his back as he walks with Atsushi to a separate room. He decides to whisper words of comfort to the shorter male, but Atsushi seems pretty out of it. Dazai doubts he heard him.
Before both Kunikida and Dazai leave, Dazai shoots a glare at Ranpo. The pleading look Dazai gives Ranpo asks the man to reassure the agency after what just happened, and the determined look Dazai sends afterwards is to reassure Ranpo himself, saying that he has got the situation under control and that the master detective should not worry.
Dazai trusts Ranpo to calm everyone down. He is a smart man, and everyone trusts his word.
So with that, both Dazai and Kunikida exit the room, their composures just slightly cracked, with a crying and shaking weretiger in tow.
—
Atsushi felt ashamed. So, so ashamed.
"Dazai-san.."
Atsushi mumbles once the agency door is shut.
"Please... I know I'm disgusting.. but please don't throw me out.. I- I'll do anything!" The mentee pleads to his mentor. The one who saved him. The one who gave him a purpose. Atsushi knows that no matter how much he begs, the agency will never forgive Atsushi for the sin Atsushi has committed today, but it's worth a shot. If there is just a small, invisible chance, then Atsushi is willing to take it.
Dazai just stares ahead as he walks, not looking down at Atsushi. Atsushi just looks down again, heartbroken. He knew his efforts would be futile, but it still hurts. Dazai's serious demeanor freaks Atsushi out. He is not used to Dazai acting all calm and composed.
.
Still silence, always the silence. Following atsushi, haunting him. Allowing his mind to wander to every corner of every terrible thought. Atsushi thinks he hates silence. This uncomfortable silence that suffocated the boys lungs, 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 silence is one he especially hated.
.
Why did the walk feel like it was taking forever? Time seems to slow down for Atsushi; unsettling feelings crawl up his back like a spider. He hates it. He is so scared.
.
Finally arriving at a more private room, Dazai opens the door and gestures for Atsushi to walk inside. Atsushi does walk, head held low in shame, as if he was trying to take up less space. Dazai walks in after him, then Kunikida, who locks the door just in case someone attempts to enter while they are discussing sensitive topics.
Atsushi worridly looks at both the men he viewed as father figures. They both bring him so much comfort and joy, and Atsushi is scared he's going to lose all of that.
"Atsushi." Dazai speaks, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the three individuals. Atsushi prepares himself for the worst, clenching his fists and tensing up.
"We are not going to abandon you, we would never do that." Dazai finishes compassionately, crouching down till he is lower than Atsushi.
Atsushi stares at the man in shock. He was not expecting that.
"Kid, did you seriously think we would abandon you? I don't know what drove you to do something as painful as eating your own finger, but we'll help you through it. You do not have to fight alone." Kunikida chimed in in an attempt to comfort Atsushi. He had noticed how ridged the boy was and wanted to give him some peace of mind. He too crouched down to be below Atsushi, leaning on one knee just like Dazai was.
Atsushi was bewildered to say the least. Dazai and Kunikida weren't lying to him either; their comments felt 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘦. This filled Atsushi with so much joy, and so much relief too. Relief that made Atsushi surprisingly tired.
"Now, Atsushi, do you want to talk about 𝘸𝘩𝘺 you were hurting yourself? If you don't want to talk about it now we don't have to, you can rest and we can discuss it tomorrow instead." Dazai remarked carefully. He felt as if he said one thing wrong that Atsushi would completely break down, so he had to be cautious.
Atsushi, feeling exaughted, slowly nodded his head. The tears slowly began to dry up, leaving Atsushi's eyes red and puffy.
"But, before that, we should get your finger healed. Let's go visit Yosano's office, to fix it."
Dazai grimaced. Wrong move Kunikida.
Atsushi's head shot up. His eyes were wide and frantic.
"No!" He said sharply. Like hell he was going to let 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 person find about about his true desires. It would heal on its own anyways, it was 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙚.
"I- I mean, it will heal on its own, a- and I'm very tired. I don't think I have it in me to deal with Yosano-sans procedure.." Atsushi says with a hint of guilt in his voice. He avoided eye contact, hoping Kunikida would just drop it. Atsushi was strong. He could handle a little bit of pain.
Kunikida supposes that is a fair answer, but the real reason he doesn't push is that nasty glare he is receiving from Dazai.
"Come on Atsushi, let's go home." Dazai says to calm Atsushi down. It seems to work, as Atsushi's tense body visibly relaxes.
"Yeah. Let's go.. ..home." Atsushi likes the way the word home sounds on his tongue. Home, Atsushi decides, is his new favorite word.
"Wait!" Kunikida interrupts. "Let me at least wrap your wound first. You are still bleeding all over the floor." Kunikida pulls out his notebook and writes bandages into existence, then slowly approaches Atsushi and wraps his hand. This is less than okay to Kunikidas standards, but it will have to do.
With that, Dazai and Kunikida walk Atsushi home. Atsushi, not wanting to be left alone, asks if Dazai and Kunikida could stay the night since Kyouka was having a girls night. Both men agreed and comforted Atsushi while he drifted to sleep, anxious about what would come in the morning but deciding to relish what they had in the present.
He was so glad he had friends like Kunikida and Dazai.