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I don't like Roland.
I can't put it into words what puts me off when I'm with him, it's a feeling so alien and unusual to me I'm ashamed to even admit how horrible he makes me feel. He's so annoying it makes me head spin and my stomach turn!
Is it the way he talks, the way he walks or meets his enemies in battle? He's not particularly smart or brave, though he tries to be all witty with me. I can't help but chuckle to myself whenever he's at it, it's so pathetic and.. And.. It invokes something so weird in me, I have never ever felt more frustrated.
That's that and this is this, he likes to say. I wonder how this motto may appy in my situation. That's that, I, who has no complaints of my servant's execution, and this is this, I, who can't help but feel like my circuitry is melting away at the mere thought at him. It's frankly irritating, isn't it?
Makes me feel like a hypocrite. See, I have never been dishonest with Roland, I may sometimes not tell him the full truth but to lie about how I feel about him — never. That way I could let him know not to cross boundaries when we first met and overtime it helped me form a bond with him, a friendship, something I never had with, for example, the Patrons whom I was forced to constantly lie to.
And I would not like to lose that to the fault of my struggles to identify how I truly felt about him. He is my friend. At least I hope he is. Once again, he is witty and a little dumb, but that's how he is and I wouldn't trade it for anything- I mean, it's more than enough for him to be alright at his job. He messes up sometimes, and sometimes he outdoes himself, that's just Roland- My Roland-
Just Roland. My servant, who I don't know how I feel about. Perhaps I have suppressed my feelings so much in the past I can't differentiate them? However my frustration towards the Patrons is clear to me, while my feelings towards Roland aren't. I don't dislike Roland as much as I dislike not knowing what I really want from him.
I'm mildly confused about what I feel about Roland.
It's not just about his mannerisms, I actually enjoy our chats and his pace and stance aren't that annoying to look at. He defeats our guests with a clumsy grace to it, a skilled move yet unadapted to the environment. It's so unmistakeably Roland, no one but him is like this. I like it. Maybe.
And our bickering sometimes calms me, distracting my mind from the worrying matters, stopping it from wandering to the deepest, darkests corners of my that I never want to return to but can't help but remember and rewatch all the time. I can let go of the dread in favor of our chats, and while I may not realize it in the moment, it's exactly what I need.
Sometimes he makes me want to slap his face unprompted, and sometimes he makes me feel like I'm walking the very right route and he is there to guide me, and I feel like the happiest person out there in the City to have a guide like this- When I'm with him, the burdens heavying my shoulders are so lightweight, as if he is supporting the weight with me—sometimes, however, it feels like he presses it down, and I try very hard not to crumble down. As if my guiding light is sometimes flickering and frolicking around, confusing and maddening me to the core for the sake of it- I can never figure out what he thinks of, I probably never will either.
But as long as he is around, I'm alright with whatever vague things he is up to. If he stays with me, I don't need anyone else, not the Patrons, not the City, not even this Library, if I really think about it. Just his company is enough. His awkward smile and clumsy bitter comments make my chest twist with an unknown ache.
I actually like Roland.
Like is a strong word, but each time I think about it it makes me believe that my feeling is strong, too. Whenever he looks at me, my heart skips a beat- I get this warm feel in my chest as well.
When all of this is over and I'm truly human, he, perhaps, could like me too. We would travel around the City and I'd try the meat stew he suggested back then- I didn't pay much attention, given I wasn't fond of being reminded of what I cannot yet experience, but giving this a second thought, it sounds great.
We'd try all sorts of things until my list of things to-do is completed, and while we're at it we may even add new things to it. We could do more things together, even. If he wants.
I would like to look at the stars with Roland. At one point the Library will be a star, too, but that's not what I'm really looking for. He'd look at the sky and say something stupid, I'd correct him and he would make a snarky comment, then I probably would elbow him and mutter something under my breath, cursing and admiring him, and keep it all to myself, I'd observe him only while he would look at the stars and keep talking nonsense.
I would like to simply be with Roland. As his companion, friend or lover. As one he trusts for sure. I mean, we both have seen each other at our lowest at one point, when each was in sheer vulnerability. I trust him since.
I guess there is nothing more pondering about.
I love Roland.