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It was still warm outside, even at such an ungodly hour. But nothing unusual for June in Japan. A black stray cat was munching on a mouldy fish, that lay beside a dumpster. It tore it apart greedily. The little fellow looked like it hadn’t eaten in a long time.
A dark figure stopped walking, hesitantly he made a step into its direction, but the moment it laid its eyes upon him, it quickly scurried away. For a few seconds, the boy stared at the spot, where the little animal had just devoured his meal, then he continued walking. Maybe he scared it? A long white button up was draped over his too slim body, messy brown hair framed his face and his slender limbs were covered in bandages.
But it wasn’t his sickly exterior, that scared the beings around the boy, no, it was more like death itself clung to him and followed him everywhere he went. If one were to see this child on the street, they would get an uneasy feeling and change the direction they were heading, because his eyes alone made it clear, that this boy had seen things, many couldn’t even imagine in their nightmares.
Dazai wandered often aimlessly through the Port district of Yokohama. The city was coated in darkness. It was comforting. Like it was a big, warm coat draped over him, that would cling to him like the hug of someone dearly.
The only thing lightning his path were a few street lights that flickered every few seconds, but even without them, he would be able to find his way around.
On one of the buildings was a big clock. In about half an hour it would be midnight and a new day would begin.
For the slender boy it would even be a day most children cherished and looked forward to the entire year. It was the day, they would get to blow out candles on a delicious cake, surrounded by people they loved who would cheer and sing for them.
It was the day, they would greedily tore trough wrappings and their eyes would sparkle with joy, the moment they saw what was beneath it.
It was the day Dazai detested the most.
He didn’t really know why. Maybe because there never were candles to blow out or there never was someone singing and cheering for him, or maybe because it was the day his life, which he tried to get rid of so many times, had begun.
Nonetheless, in the end the ‘why’ didn't matter, it was pointless, like so many other things. But if everything worked out like the doctor promised him, tomorrow would be the last birthday he would have to experience.
Sure he could just do it without the other man’s help, but he had failed so many times before and even if he knew it was fake, something in the doctors voice and demeanour soothed him.
It was like the man knew what to do and that he was capable of giving Dazai what he craved. Trusting the man was foolish and he knew it, but maybe it would work out for him.
Even if he usually wasn’t someone that carried hope in him, he wanted it this time, even if he knew it would shatter into tiny pieces, even if he knew the doctor likely wouldn’t grant him death, he wanted to believe it.
If this was his last birthday he should probably celebrate it, maybe he could get the same joy out of it like his siblings did back then. How he had envied them for it, when he was still there in the big mansion. It should be laughable.
A light brighter as the usual dim street lights shined on bis path, it almost dazzled him. The light came from a convenience store, an idea shot through the boys head.
As he stepped inside, the fluorescent lights burned in his eyes. It was a clear contrast to the darkness outside. The boy made his way to the backed goods immediately. The young man behind the counter shot a wary look towards him, he seemed to be a little creeped out at the doll like boy, but Dazai paid him no mind.
The store had many kinds of cakes, some of them were beautifully decorated or big enough to feed the boy for two weeks. He wandered around the aisles until he stopped in front of a row of small plastic containers.
Every container held a single slice with white frosting and colourful sprinkles. He stared at it for a few seconds before picking it up. Before he went to check out he also bought a pack of candles in various colours adorned with white dots.
The cashier hesitated for a second as he looked down on the boys items. It must have been a sorry sight for him. A single slice of cake that looked like it was purely made out of chemicals and a pack of candles he would only need one.
For a second Dazai thought the man would say something, but he took the items, scanned them and put them into a plastic bag for Dazai. The sound of the coins falling into the cold metal counter was the only sound besides the constant buzzing of the refrigerator.
Without saying another word, Dazai took his items and left the store. He looked down onto his purchase and a small smile started to from at his lips. Maybe now that he celebrated it alone he would finally experience the joy all the other kids felt.
He walked trough the dark streets until he reached the edge near the water he had jumped off so many times. Dazai sat down and let his feet dangle of the edge.
It wasn’t a busy part of the city. No. He would go as far as to say almost no one came here entirely. For tourists the place had nothing to offer. You could see the beautiful skyline of Yokohama with its many bright lights from many places, but this wasn’t one.
Nothing from the bright lights could be seen here, there was only a street lamp that looked like it would soon shine for the last time.
It also didn’t have any strategic value to any of the local gangs nor was it ideal to get rid of corpses.
The only humans he met here a few times were addicts who were quickly scared by the boys exterior.
He looked down into the pitch black water. He didn't know why but it was a calming sight.
The river looked like it was completely made out of black ink. Like someone took all the printed contents of a book and remade it into its old fluid form. Just like a book this river surely could have told him many stories.
Stories of trash.
Stories of illness.
Stories of unfortunate accidents.
Stories of death.
Even stories about his own attempts.
It was all engraved in the pitch black water. The water was just as dark as the cities underworld. A world he had become a part of now without a way out again. But just as this river, he knew how important the Port Mafia was. If one of them were to vanish Yokohama would fall into ruin.
For a moment he thought he saw the eyes of a vengeful man in the water. How they slowly lost their light, while their owner made unappetising choking noises. It had truly been an ugly death. It could have been a beautiful one, if that old man wouldn’t have ruined it with this sounds.
The blood had painted the walls as well as the pale face of the doctor in a dark crimson red. It reminded him of all the times he woke up covered in the same colour.
All it takes is the service of a helpful doctor and one could be released from their consciousness.
He should make a motivational card with that message. It had a ring to it, but was in the need of polishing.
Dazai tore his gaze away from the river, and looked to the plastic bag beside him. It had that ugly logo of the convenience store printed on it.
He took out the plastic box and opened it. The plastic fork in the box was covered in white frosting. Dazai took it and wiped it clean on his shirt.
He put a pink candle on the lonely slice and searched for a lighter in his pockets.
At first only a few sparks would appear, but it quickly grew into a steady flame. He should take the fancy lighter he saw on Moris shelf. It wasn’t like the doctor had use for it anyway. His distaste for cigarettes and all other sorts of tobacco was clear.
He lit the candle and stared down onto the little flame. The light reflected in his eyes. It was mesmerising Dazai wanted to be with that little warmth forever. Every if it would die down soon.
Just as Dazai pursed his lips to blow the candle out, he heard a purr.
He turned his head to the side and saw a cat sitting there. It wagged its little tail in the hair. But not like a dog would no, it was with grace not with brute excitement.
It wasn’t the same cat he met before.
No.
This one didn’t seem to fear him. It looked interested, maybe even delighted. There was something off about this cat that Dazai couldn't quite name. But for now it was irrelevant.
With unsure hands, Dazai broke off a small part of cake and put it in front of the cat. It remained where it was, still watching him. The boy withdrew his shaky arm from the cake.
As soon as his arm was back in his lap, the cat started to devour the cake. Even while it ate it still seemed to not be able to take its eyes of him.
Dazai watched the cat with curious detachment, until he turned back to his original slice. His eyes were immediately drawn to the candle again. Almost half of it had melted by now.
He took a deep breath and blew. The flame seemed to try to get away from him, but like a chained dog couldn’t leave it’s stake, the flame couldn't leave its wick.
The fire reflecting in Dazais eyes extinguished and they were back to the deep dark pits they always were.
The boy looked back on the extinguished candle.
He thought he might feel joy.
He thought he might experience the same the other children did.
But he couldn’t only feel his usual cold detachment from the world around him. A deep clump of sadness started to form in his chest. He felt an ache he wasn’t able to cure at the moment.
So he looked back into the cats direction, only to see that the cat had left too. It seemingly was only interested in the food the boy had to offer.
It reminded him of a human.
He wondered if the spotted animal had been there to see him blow out the flame, or if it had immediately left after he was done with its meal.
Dazai took the plastic fork and manoeuvred cake into his mouth. It tasted chemical and cheap. This baked good was nowhere near the treats he had gotten from Mori the past days. The doctors sweets were always high quality and expensive.
Dazai didn't care how expensive something was as long as he got the desired effect from it. Cheap alcohol was enough to forget everything for a short time, just as cheap crab was enough to fill his stomach. But this cake didn't bring him the childlike joy he had seen on other kids faces.
So it was utterly useless.
He slowly stood up and stretched his limbs. He made his way to the nearest dumpster and disposed of everything he had bought in the convenience store.
Just as he dropped the candles, he could feel a wet drop on his nose.
And then another one on his head.
And another one on his neck.
The drops were getting more and more as Dazai continued his walk to his current living situation.
The water soaked through his clothes and his shoes. Even tough it was summer, Dazai could feel a wet cold creeping up his body.
When he finally arrived at his destination, he took out the key and opened the door. He tried to be quiet so he wouldn’t have to encounter the doctor.
He sat down and tied upon his shoes. Just has he was done and looked up again he could see the tall figure of the surgeon.
He looked down at him with a soft smile that didn’t reach his eyes. The doctor looked like he had just crawled out of bed, with his ruffled hair and satin pyjamas, cause in truth he probably had.
“Dazai it’s good to you are back now. You know how dangerous Yokohama has gotten under the terror reign of the Former Port Mafia Boss.”
The boy didn't know of it was really concern, since everything the doctor said sounded fake, even if it was real. But it probably wasn’t.
“You never had a problem with my nightly strolls.”
Mori sighed.
Dazai stood up and made his way into the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water to wash away the cakes taste, that still lingered on his tongue.
He stopped for a moment and looked at the box standing on the kitchen island. He couldn’t make out its colours in the barely lit room, but he couldn’t see how neatly wrapped it was and how much clinical care was put into tying the bow.
“Ah, since you are awake now anyway, why won’t you open it?”
Mori had followed Dazai into the kitchen. The boy looked at man and then back at the present.
Would he finally feel the same joy he saw on the other kids faces?
Just as Dazai reached out to carefully untie the bow, Mori pushed the present away from him.
The boy looked up at the doctor with a questioning gaze, who shook his index finger in front of him.
“I want you to change into clean clothes first, if you stay in these dripping things you are gonna catch a cold.”
Dazai shot the doctor a dirty look, but he wasn’t in the mood to be a defiant brat today.
He quickly emerged out of his room, dressed in silk pyjamas, just like the ones Mori wore.
He stretched his arms out to take the present and this time it wasn’t pulled away from him.
The boy carefully started opening it with a clinical delicacy similar to Moris own.
The doctor watched every move of the boy and every tiny shift in his stone cold expression that may occur.
Dazai looked inside and saw a neatly folded bundle of black fabric.
He took it out of the box and it revealed itself to be a long black coat.
Moris lips curled upwards in satisfaction.
“Go on and try it.”
The coat was too big for Dazais slim frame, the doctor probably expected to grow into it. He stared in the mirror and it felt like a monster draped in darkness was staring back at him.
Mori stood behind Dazai looking into his eyes through the reflection of the mirror.
“Happy 15th Birthday Dazai.”
Dazai didn’t answer.
It was pointless.
He had been disappointed again.
It was just like it had been with the cake.
The same feelings.
The same ache.
Birthdays were horrible weren’t they?
At least they weren’t something that brought him joy and they probably never would be.
Maybe this joy was only reserved for the humans around him and not for the ghost presenting itself as one.