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“Ninety-siiix-ugh-ninety-seeven…”
(You’re too weak. You cannot carry everything, and you let everyone down because of it.)
The voices always seemed to come in extra strong when he was training.
You have to be strong. For your family. For the boys. For the Pride.
The thing Abby liked about working out was that he got to control the burn. He decided when to keep going, what to push, how to stop. He knew that physical pain can only hurt so much. The memories, on the other hand…only Gwi-Ma controlled those. And he made him suffer for it.
“Ninety-eeiight, ninety-niiine…”
One more, and you’ll be able to be there for the boys when it counts.
(Unlike with your real family.)
One more, and you’ll be able to keep up with the choreo.
(Unlike when you were trying to flee the islanders across the river.)
One more, and you’ll be able to help them beat the Hunters.
(Unlike when you couldn’t carry them with you, you let them die and you did not deserve to be the only one to live and YOU LEFT THEM ALL BEHIND YOU ARE WEAK PATHETIC USELESS-)
“Yo, Abs, you gonna hit a hundred yet?” Romance said with more patience than he probably should’ve had. “We were about to hit up the bathhouse.”
“Oh… yeah!” He inhaled. He was almost finished with his weightlifting for the day. “One hundred!”
(What a disappointing display of mediocrity. A true hero would be able to lift hundreds of thousands-)
“Guys, stop flirting,” Baby called without a hint of patience.
“That’s peak grindset right there,” Mystery remarked. “Nice gains, bro.”
“Th-thank you.” (They don’t mean it. They’re just trying to-) “Wait, where’s Jinu?”
“Still with that purple Hunter chick. He’s in his seduction era, I guess,” Mystery explained.
“That means we don’t have to wait for him, so now that Abby’s finished, can we go now?” Baby whined.
“Yeah, let’s bounce.” Abby said.
They looked around the gym to make sure no humans could see them, and then in a puff of purple smoke, they were gone.
The first thing they heard when they teleported into the bathhouse was the startled scream of an ajeossi in the middle of scrubbing his extremely hairy legs.
Darn it. Abby thought they’d gotten rid of all the patrons in this jimjilbang already.
Before the ajeossi had a chance to react, Baby was already devouring his soul out from behind, making exaggerated slurping and nom nom noises as the blue essence got sucked into his mouth. The rest of the body dissipated, and the maknae let out a big burp before taking off his jeans.
Abby began to remove his clothing as well, undoing the buttons on his shirt and unzipping his pants. But as he reached over to take his shirt off, his arms pulsed with pain. His biceps were screaming in protest, and suddenly the voices started screaming just as loud.
(Weak. Pathetic. Do you really get worn out that easily? Useless–)
“You okay, Abby?”
Abby whipped his head around, or at least tried to. He barely made it fifteen degrees before his muscles protested again. He turned his body more slowly to where the voice had come from. It was Romance, of course, with an uncharacteristic look of concern in his eyes.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Romance was definitely not buying Abby’s excuses. “No pain, no gain. That’s what I always say.”
“Is that some modern human expression?”
“Yeah, actually. Some of this modern online net communication is pretty interesting.”
“I like how it rhymes… but I’m not sure if I like the message.”
Abby didn’t respond. It wasn’t worth it. Not everyone could understand the wisdom of InspirationalQuoteGuy87 from the most beautiful modern human invention of all, Tumblr.
The boys settled into the pool together, their winces at the initial burn of the warm water quickly turning into relaxed exhales.
“Man, you were a beast today in the gym, hyung!” Baby remarked. “You’re getting so strong, maybe we could work it into the choreo where you can carry one of us.”
“If we’re doing that, I call dibs,” Romance said.
Hearing Romance say that made Abby feel a fluttering rush of heat that had nothing to do with the steamy atmosphere. At the same time, it terrified him. The boys didn’t know how close to home that idea hit.
(If you don’t do it right, you will let him fall just like you let everyone you care about fall.)
“I mean, if it keeps the fans interested,” he acquiesced casually.
“All of this does seem to be doing good stuff for the fandom. Did you see the stuff on the Inter-Web where people are ‘shipping’ us with the Hunters?” Mystery put air quotes over the interesting new word..
“Yeah, Jinu’s with Purple Hunter, obviously, and apparently Abby and I are with Pink Hunter,” Romance added.
“She seems fun,” Abby said absentmindedly.
“Yeah, especially when she gets all angry,” Romance laughed. “We should try and keep flirting with her. It throws the Hunters off their game, and it’s hilarious.”
“Ha, yeah.” Abby paused to look at the rest of the boys. With their hair wrapped up Yangmeori style in the towels, it was much easier than normal now to make eye contact with each of them. He saw his eyes reflected in each of them, that telltale demonic yellow that marked them all.
“Do you guys really think…if all of this really works, if we get rid of the Hunters and dismantle the Honmoon, Gwi-Ma will keep his promise to erase all our bad memories?”
The other boys paused their antics to look at him, the atmosphere sobering a little.
“Probably,” Mystery finally responded, his eye focusing on Abby. “Gwi-Ma doesn’t make us listen to them as much when he’s happy, and this will make him happy.”
“And we will be able to defeat the Hunters,” Romance said with conviction. “We’re all working hard at it-“ he looked specifically at Abby when he said this, and the two made eye contact for a brief moment before looking downward- “and we sound good together. I mean, you saw the crowd reaction out there today! We totally got this.”
The other boys made various sounds of agreement.
Just at that moment, a water demon rose its head out of the water, its glowing eyes baring into the boys. This had become a common enough occurrence now since the Saja Boys and the water demons were technically sharing the bathhouse (and the souls of the patrons). Generally, they shared the space but left each other alone, but it wasn’t uncommon for them to get into relatively close quarters in the jimjilbang’s intimate setting. This unsettled some of the boys, like Jinu and Romance, and the other boys found that hilarious.
“Okay, uh…nice little mul gwisin…” Romance said hesitantly as he edged further away from the water demon.
Its eyes narrowed and it resubmerged itself.
Abby, Baby and Mystery cracked up in unison, and Abby felt the weight from earlier lighten a little.
As the boys’ laughter died down, they started turning their attention to properly washing themselves. Abby started to do the same, reaching toward his shampoo bottle, but as he did, the pain in his arms started creeping into his focus again.
(I gave you those abs for a reason, you better use them because you and I both know you’re WORTHLESS without them-)
Suddenly, the voices were interrupted by a sudden spasm of his muscles as he turned back around. This was far from the worst pain he had experienced, but it was enough to push a stifled groan of him.
(Look at you. You aren’t even strong enough to handle them. You should’ve never made it out.)
Through the centuries he had spent as a demon, Abby had learned many ways to re-center himself. The most reliable method was to focus on his senses. He closed his eyes and let the warmth of the baths ground him. He focused on the sound of Mystery’s voice, the soft, probably accidental brushing of Romance’s hand against his legs, the smell of whatever soap Baby was using. But all of a sudden he could hear more splashing of the water than normal.
He opened his eyes. Mystery and Baby getting out of the pool to wash their bodies. There were fewer things to distract him now.
Okay, he thought. I just gotta wash myself down now without any of the boys noticing me do anything to indicate that I might be hurt. Yeah, I can do this, it’ll be fine. It’s nothing major anyway, just a muscle cramp.
As he forced his arms to move so that he could lather his front, he tried his hardest to concentrate on his other senses: the warmth of the water, the steam of the air, Romance scrubbing product into his beautiful, flowing hair, Romance humming some ad-libbed harmonies for “Soda Pop” under his breath, Romance-
Another pulse.
(You really think this is something you can just ignore? That you can forget about parts of you that are hard to think about?)
Pain slithered up his arms like a serpent and sunk its fangs in, hard enough that Abby couldn’t ignore it anymore.
(Because you and I both know it doesn’t work that way.)
The dimly-lit room faded to black, leaving him alone inside his mind…
Alone, because the people who had been with him were gone.
He couldn’t not see them, couldn’t not hear their voices echo, couldn’t not feel the agony, the loss.
The screaming. The violence. Their voices, screaming his name. A name he could no longer remember.
He knew he had to keep moving. The invaders were hot on his heels, and he couldn’t let himself get caught.
He could still hear the hobbling of her limp leg. The thud she made when she hit the ground.
And yet, he kept running. He was the one who made it out.
(The pain doesn’t go away. It will never go away without me. I can erase it, but you must prove you’ve used my gifts properly first. That you work for it the way you were always supposed to. Otherwise, you will be stuck in it forever along with the rest of the boys, and they will never forgive you for it.)
The rest of the Saja Boys suddenly appeared one by one in Abby’s mind, their faces writhing in pain. Along with the hurt, Abby could see the anger directed at him in their yellow eyes.
Romance’s face appeared last, and it lingered.
(He will hate you.)
No.
(He will never love you.)
Focus on your senses, Abby. You’re supposed to be scrubbing.
(You are unlovable unless you provide.)
Your back should be next.
(He will never forgive you for the ways you have failed him.)
Abby tried to move his hands to his back but was greeted by a sharp pain rippling down his arm.
(And the ways you will inevitably fail him in the future.)
Suddenly, he felt something that felt like a hand on his shoulder. What was that? He was scrubbing his back, not his shoulder.
He realized that the face in front of him was now frowning, and…
“Abby. Hey, Abby, can you hear me?”
Abby tried to turn his head but he couldn’t. He didn’t have to. He knew exactly who it was.
“Are you okay?”
No, Romance, I’m a weak little kitten who can’t wash his back.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Abby responded with a bit of hesitation.
“Are you sure? Because it looked like you were having some trouble doing your back. I could help wash it for you, if you want.”
“No, no, that’s not necessary. I’m fine, see?”
He started moving his arms again, but his nerve endings flared again, and he let out an audible wince.
As soon as the sound came out of his mouth, he flinched, turning away sharply. His eyes filled with tears despite himself. This was it. Romance had caught a glimpse of how weak he really was, how pathetic, and now he would leave.
He cracked his eyes open to see his reaction. But his eyes didn’t seem to hold any disgust, only concern.
“No, it really doesn’t look like you’re fine.”
(He’s not disgusted. He just feels sorry for you. He sees how fragile you are.)
“Come on, just let me help you, it’s alright. Baby showed me this herbal ointment or something he got. It’s supposed to relieve stress or something and…”
“I’m not stressed!” Abby snapped.
He immediately recoiled again. He was letting way too much fragility show.
(You see? It is your weakness that will always take away everyone who even pretends to care about you.)
Romance visibly softened. He approached Abby slowly, as one would a frightened pet, and gently laid a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. It’s fine to need help sometimes. That’s why there’s five of us. None of us could do it alone.”
His hands started softly caressing the back of Abby’s shoulders, tenderly rubbing the ointment in. “Just let me take care of you.”
There were so many things he had to do. So many responsibilities, so much he needed to carry.
“You don’t have to be strong right now. Let the world turn without you tonight,” Romance crooned. His beautiful, melodic voice danced in Abby’s ears as he continued to help wash him. His hands touched his body with such care, almost reverent.
Despite the initial act of letting Romance in feeling daunting, this was surprisingly easy for Abby. It was so easy to just let Romance cleanse him of his sweat and tension and pain, to lose himself in the feeling of the soft strokes along his body, to concentrate enough so that he could distract himself from the burn in his arms and Gwi-Ma’s taunts. For the first time that day, he felt truly relaxed.
Throughout Romance’s gentle ministrations, he hadn’t spoken other than murmuring some soft affirmations. But there suddenly seemed to be a shift in his demeanor as he looked upward to make eye contact with Abby.
Abby paused, suddenly seeing his golden demonic eyes reflected back at him in Romance’s hypnotic gaze.
“Did something happen that you maybe want to talk about?” Romance asked.
Abby exhaled. He’d never had to tell anyone this story before.
“I don’t think I ever said why I made a deal with Gwi-Ma,” he said.
Romance cocked his head to the side, furrowing his brow. “Yeah, no, I guess you haven’t.” He looked back at Abby. “Is that what’s bothering you?”
Abby took a deep breath. “Yeah,” he sighed. “So… I wasn’t always like this…” He gestured toward his muscles. “I wasn’t always so…”
“Ab-y?”
“Uh, yeah. I had what people on the Web have been calling a ‘dad bod’ and I was fine with it. My family were jungin translators, so I didn’t really need to do a lot of manual labor regularly. I would see the built bodies of the sangmin farmer men when we went out, and I knew that that was how some men like me were expected to look, but I never expected to need to have that kind of body that would enable me to do a lot of heavy lifting.” Abby looked up. Romance still didn’t appear to be judging, just listening. He felt encouraged to go on. “For the most part, we lived a humble, peaceful life near the countryside until…”
“Guys, guys, guys!” a voice called. “Baby just struck gold with these lyrics! Tell them! What was it? ‘Preachin’ to the choir/Can I get the mic a little higher?/Read me like a bible…’”
“We weren’t sure if Jinu would let us keep that bible part but I think…”
“It sounds great, Mystery,” Romance said, flashing the smile he always made when he wanted people to go away. “Keep workshopping it.”
Romance turned back toward Abby, and suddenly Abby felt something soft on his hand. It was Romance’s hand, he realized. His chest fluttered.
Just then, Romance used his other hand to gesture for Abby to continue.
“U-uh, right,” Abby stuttered, trying to remember where he left off. “So for the most part we were happy, but then the Japan-island invaders came. They drove us out of our home, our village. We spent weeks fleeing them. I’d never run so much in my life, and next to the sangmin, I always lagged behind.”
He inhaled. This part was the hardest.
“So you can probably guess where this is going. One day, a few of us were hiding out in this abandoned house and then…”
The screaming. He could still hear the screaming.
“Everything caved in on us. The invaders found us. I don’t know what exactly they did. That entire moment was a blur.” Abby had heard from other demons that some parts of their memories from when they made their deals with Gwi-Ma were blocked out, like it was too much for their minds to process. He wouldn’t be surprised if that was what happened to him with this too.
“But I remember they hurt my family. I grabbed them and tried to carry them to safety, but it was so much weight, and all I felt was the strain. The invaders started gaining on us, and right when we got to the river my arms gave out. That… that was the first time I heard his voice.”
Abby had never forgotten the first time he heard him. The sinister whispers, the breathy screams. How he had voiced his faults and fears in such a detailed manner. What he accused him of.
“He said, ‘You spent all those years having your family teach you things, feeding you, letting you live a life of comfort. Yet when it came down to it when you were supposed to help, you aren’t strong enough to help them. You aren’t even strong enough to carry your sorry self.’” Abby paused, inhaling sharply. All of the pain was resurfacing. Tears were welling up in his eyes, but when they fell, he couldn’t hear the sound of water hitting water.
He looked down. Rising from the surface was the water demon from earlier, and when it looked at Abby, its face looked significantly less sinister. He hesitantly touched it on the top of its head, and it seemed to lean into the touch slightly. He relaxed a little, and gave its hair tendrils a gentle scratch. Romance looked slightly unnerved, but he didn’t move further away or say anything.
“And then he said, ‘But I can help you be strong enough.’
“Next thing I knew, I looked like this. I was big, strong, I could’ve carried them. At least one of them but…”
He choked slightly. Romance noticed, and he reached his other hand not in Abby’s up to rub calming circles on his back.
“It’s okay, Abby, it’s okay.”
“But it’s not okay!” Abby exclaimed. “I just… I just swam across the river by myself. I left them because I knew I couldn’t carry them, even in this stronger form. No matter what, I’d never be strong enough. It’s not just physical. I have a weak will, too. I’ve never labored a day in my life unlike those sangmin or even Jinu. All the work I did didn’t matter when it counted. And now Jinu’s been pushing us so hard with the band so that we can beat the Hunters, and I feel like I’m right back where I was then.” He looked toward the pool with a frustrated huff. “Weak in the water, not able to do anything myself, while the other men are carrying circles around me making a real difference. And no matter how hard I work to try and help the people I care about-“ he briefly looked up at Romance, and both their cheeks became slightly tinted to match their hair- “it never seems to be enough.”
Romance didn’t respond immediately, which Abby was grateful for. All he did was reach over to Abby’s hand (which was no longer on the water demon’s head, because it had submerged itself as if it knew this was a moment the two men would need alone) and entwine his fingers with Abby’s and squeeze gently. The tension and pain in his mind that always came with the memories began to melt away.
“That was very brave,” Romance finally said.
“Brave?” Abby scoffed.
“I’m serious! No demon likes talking about their shame. Jinu’s always brooding about his family, I don’t think we’ll ever know the story behind Mystery’s eye, and no one knows what the deal is with Baby.”
Abby couldn’t help but chuckle. Romance was so cute. In like, a hot way. Was he gay?
“But I’m glad you did. I think it makes it easier, because you’re sharing it, and that means you don’t have to carry it alone. And you don’t. Not with your memories, not with the work with the band, not with anything. We’re a team. Jinu may be our leader, but he chose us because he knew he could rely on us to help when he needed it. I know he values you as a member of the team, and as a friend. And…” Romance leaned in a little. His eyes felt so deep. Abby thought he had adjusted himself to the thick, steamy heat of the jimjilbang, but everything suddenly felt hot and heavy all over again.
“And I value you.”
Abby’s entire body felt warm. And it was not because of the baths. Yup, he was definitely gay.
Normally when he felt this level of contentment with the boys, Gwi-Ma would swoop in to blare the memories in his head at top volume and ruin it all by reminding him of how he didn’t deserve to ever have any peace. He was a demon, and all demons deserved to do was live with their shame, their misery.
But Gwi-Ma was nowhere to be heard in his mind. In fact, he realized he hadn’t heard Gwi-Ma’s voice at all during the whole conversation. For a minute, he actually believed he was allowed to just have this. Have Romance.
And then he decided to jump.
“Romance, would you like to-“
“Of course.”
Quietly, he let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a happy gasp. He got to have this. He actually got to have this, this moment with him and Romance where he could feel the softness of his hands on his triceps, the tiny breaths inward as if he was a little nervous too, the way his heart was racing not in fear but in anticipation as they both leaned inward, and-
Poof-sshhmp.
Romance and Abby stumbled backwards. That was the unmistakable sound of Jinu teleporting.
“Saja-dongsaengs, I have returned!”
“Um… that was-“ Abby stuttered.
“We’ll get back to that later,” Romance said in a matter that Abby could only describe as arousing.
“Jinu!” Mystery called out. “How was your meeting with Purple Hunter?”
“She’s still in denial, but I had her hooked in for a while. It’s only a matter of time,” he responded casually as the rest of the boys started gathering their towels and clothes and going to join him. “So plans are fully underway.”
“Yeah!” Baby chimed in. “We’re going to crush the Hunters and make them look hilariously stupid while doing it.”
“Especially Pink Hunter,” Abby added, and Romance nodded knowingly.
Jinu chuckled self-assuredly in a way that almost sounded like an evil laugh like the masked villains in those modern-age movies did. But once he looked back at the boys, his expression morphed into a genuine smile of gratitude.
“Thank you all for your hard work,” he said. “You’ve been very helpful in this band campaign, and I want you to know I appreciate it. We’re going to make this work, thanks to you.”
Romance gave Abby a playful nudge, like Told you.
“So now that we’ve officially started the campaign and people are interested in us, I’m thinking we should do some more research on contemporary media and desirable romantic human figures,” Jinu continued. The other boys perked up. This was more work, as there always seemed to be with Jinu and his plan, but this kind was the most relaxed and fun kind. “I had some good reference videos queued up back at the studio, and-“
“Aw yeah, K-drama movie night!” Baby exclaimed. “Race you back!”
“Baby, wait-“
In a puff of smoke, the maknae disappeared. The other boys rolled their eyes good-naturedly, and Jinu and Mystery followed suit.
As soon as they left, the telltale, haunting susurrus started whispering in Abby’s ear again, warning him that Gwi-Ma’s tauntings were imminent. But before his voice could start invading his thoughts, he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.
“Come on,” Romance softly urged. “Let’s get some rest. We deserve it.”
You deserve it, was what went unsaid.
Abby let out a brief exhale. “Yeah. We do.”
The two of them joined hands, and they dissipated together.