Work Text:
Kunikida has an announcement to make tomorrow. No one knows what it is, not even Fukuzawa. But of course, they were detectives. And detectives gossip, I mean, deduce instead of waiting around. An idealistic man like Kunikida can have his secrets, and thereby interesting announcements to make.
Dazai: Maybe he's finally found his ideal woman.
Yosano: (scoffs) No way. You're telling me a woman fulfils 40 of those 52 clauses, let alone all of them?
Dazai: Believe me, I am just as stunned as you but what other announcement can our dear idealist have?
Naomi: Maybe he's finally taking the vacation the President keeps offering?
Fukuzawa: He would have talked to me, if that were the case.
Tanizaki: Or a therapy session…
Atsushi: (chuckles quietly) I don't think Kunikida-san is the type to take a break…or therapy.
Kenji: (cheerfully) Maybe he's planning on helping with my farm more often!
Dazai: (encouraging Kenji) His organisational skills will make your farm flourish indeed!
Kenji: (claps hands together) That's wonderful! I'll go tell my cows about it.
Kyouka: (gently holds Kenji back)
Yosano: So we have four guesses. Ideal woman, vacation, therapy, and… (looks at Kenji’s sunny face and sighs) Kenji's farm.
Naomi: Ranpo-san, you've been quiet the whole time. What do you think?
Ranpo: (stays silent)
Dazai: (leans forward) Ahh, Ranpo-san~ Our great mysterious detective. Would you be so kind as to break your silence? (adopts a dramatic tone) Or will you continue to torment our souls with suspense?
Yosano: Come on, we have: ideal woman, vacation, therapy, farming. Which one is right?
Ranpo: (takes out the lollipop from his mouth and holds it high like a judge holding a gravel) Wrong, wrong, wrong, and…
Kenji: Right? Please be right!
Ranpo: … Wrong.
Kenji: Awww. (Deflates in disappointment. Then he smiles again) I bet the announcement is even cooler!
Atsushi: (curiously) What's the announcement then?
Ranpo: (takes a lick and says) Well… There is one secret he has that he is in denial about…
Yosano: (deviously) Ooo, patients are especially fun to break when they're in denial~ (twirls a scalpel)
Naomi: What is he in denial about?
Ranpo: That he likes men too.
Yosano: (drops the scalpel)
Tanizaki: (chokes on air)
Atsushi: (gasps) You mean, Kunikida-san is…gay?
Ranpo: Bi, actually.
Tanizaki: Then what about his ideal woman thing?
Dazai: (sighs dreamily, draping himself all over his desk) Maybe a devilishly handsome, adorable, intelligent man has won him over!~
Yosano: Or maybe he secretly looks for the same qualities in men.
Ranpo: Whatever the case, it is Pride Month. It makes sense that he is announcing something like that in June.
Fukuzawa: It's decided then. Let's give him the welcome he deserves.
Next day.
The office is decorated with bi and gay hangings and congratulations banners. Kunikida enters and blinks in surprise. As he looks around, he sees a few waving flags, a few holding drinks, and Ranpo holding a half empty plate of rainbow frosting cupcakes. Fukuzawa stands in the middle.
Kunikida: Er… Good afternoon. Nice…decorations. Ahem. Shall I make my announcement?
Fukuzawa: Go ahead.
Kunikida: I am taking a major step in my life. One that I was hesitant to take but am now proud of taking it…
Everyone: (everyone leans forward, staying silent)
Kunikida: I am delighted to announce that…
Everyone: (holds their breath)
Kunikida: … I am adopting Aya.
Everyone: (blinks in stunned shock)
Aya: (peeks out from behind Kunikida's legs and waves enthusiastically) Hello!~
Dazai: (frozen smile) … Eh?
Yosano: (facepalms herself)
Kenji: (oblivious to the tension) Hello, Aya-chan!
Atsushi: (shyly but warmly waves back at the girl)
Yosano, Fukuzawa, Dazai, and Naomi look at Ranpo for an explanation.
Ranpo: (shrugs and whispers) I guess internalised homophobia wins.
Naomi: (whisper-shouts) We just assumed his sexuality. We should be in jail.
Ranpo: (whispers back) I didn't assume! I KNOW he likes men.
Fukuzawa: (pinches the bridge of his nose) We still assumed he would announce something like this.
Ranpo: Technically he would have if he stopped denying it.
Kunikida: (confused) May I know what these decorations are for?
Everyone: …
Dazai: It's…to celebrate pride month, of course! (laughs airily)
Tanizaki: (nervous) Yeah, for awareness and all.
Naomi: (nodding vigorously) Yeah, to make our LGBTQ+ members feel welcome.
Kunikida: Oh that's nice!
Aya: (in awe) Wow! I didn't know the ADA is an ally!
Yosano: Yes, we are all allies, and two of us are a part of the community. I am one of the two. I'm a bisexual.
Ranpo: And I'm gay.
Aya: (cutely hands them candy to show her support)
Yosano: (melts and takes it)
Ranpo: The kid hands out candies? She is officially cooler than all of you.
Kunikida: How come I wasn't involved in the planning of this celebration?
Yosano: …
Ranpo: …
Naomi: … Because… er…
Kyouka: … You overwork yourself a lot.
A beat of silence before everyone scrambles to agree.
Dazai: (dramatically) Kunikida! Our resident workaholic! Our official organiser! Our living breathing work planner! You clearly needed a break!
Atsushi: Yeah, definitely…
Tanizaki: Definitely…
Kunikida: (blinks and then nods in approval) That…is appreciable. Thank you.
Everyone smiles, some awkwardly like Atsushi and Tanizaki, the others like professional actors like Dazai, Yosano, Naomi.
Ranpo: (whispers so that Kunikida won't hear) Okay, next year, he's absolutely coming out of the closet—
Fukuzawa: (firmly) No more predictions on coming out announcements. Today's embarrassment was enough to last a lifetime.
Ranpo gives up, but not before cursing internalised homophobia in his mind for making him look like an idiot.