Archive of Our Own

"I cannot believe this!" Ilya yelled, wide eyed, not for the first time during their lunch break. 

Shane rolled his eyes, "you're being dramatic, cut it out. It's not that crazy."

Ilya's eyes went even wider, and Shane was starting to feel self conscious.

"Look,” Shane pleaded, “I'm not telling you this stuff so that you can judge me. It's just... been a while," he swallowed hard. "A few years ago, I had a bad experience, and I decided to commit to my professional career for a while."

"Shane."

"And I've done that! I'm now a team lead, and my team don't hate me, which is honestly a win in my books."

"Shane," Ilya said with a bit more urgency.

"So, I figured I could say yes to Hayd when he came up to my desk yesterday, saying Troy Barrett from Finance thought I was cute, and that he'd wait for me in the lobby after work, if I was interested in a date."

"Shane!" Ilya's voice had gone up and made the people around them look once again. "Will you listen to me!?"

"Jesus Christ, Ilya! You're being too loud!"

"Jesus Christ, Shane! You're freaking out!"

Shane realised, finally, that he was, indeed, freaking out. 

"Sorry, sorry," he put his hands in the air. "It's just... I mean, the guy is really hot, and he was perfectly polite, too, but I'm nervous, Ilya. I'm afraid I won't know what to do with myself or him."

Ilya took his time to reply, choosing his words carefully.

"What do you mean you won't know what to do?" He asked, not trying to hide the confusion in his voice. "You're not trying to tell me you haven't seen anyone else after you and Ryan broke it off, are you?"

Shane didn't say anything.

"Shane," Ilya's voice was alarmed, and Shane thought he had no business making it sound as if his situation was helpless and pitiful. "Shane, it's been about 5 years since that. You can't be for real."

The thing was, Shane had been too heartbroken about Ryan for about two years, and then, to make matters worse, Ilya had been his shoulder to cry on, so Shane had developed a huge crush on him, which had made it difficult for him to keep the friendship intact. He didn't act on it, purely because if anything ever happened between him and Ilya, he didn't want it to be a rebound of all things.

Then, when he had felt free from the pain of his and Ryan's break up, and had rid himself of thoughts of kissing Ilya on the mouth, he decided he was going to climb the corporate ladder.

---

Shane and Ilya had met on the first day of work at Centaurs Ltd., a human resources company, for their business technology team. Ilya would be doing onsite support work, while Shane was doing service desk work. They had hit it off straight away, and had been inseparable for months, before they decided this was a friendship that needed to be nurtured outside of work as well. It had been the right decision, of course, as they were now best friends of almost 10 years.

Of course, like any office space, the dating rumours were never scarce, and there had been much speculation about them for a long time. This had made them come out to each other in order to clean the air; they took the opportunity to also set boundaries, which weren't many, admittedly, and to set the record straight that they were just touchy people, with no hidden feelings between them. It really did help them strengthen and keep their friendship.

Still, even to this day, other coworkers and friends would still say they were just blind idiots who were being willingly obtuse, and that they should make it official before long. It was mostly Hayden, Shane's friend from his then team, and Cliff, Ilya's friend from networks. Rose and Svetlana, too, joined in. They were the company's token lesbian couple, and they took advantage of that as much as they could. 

Svetlana had been Shane's friend first, and she was also part of the network team, and Rose, from security operations, Ilya's friend. They had even coined the 'hollanov' ship name, much to Shane and Ilya's dismay. Then they had all melded together, and everyone was scared of them at christmas parties and other corporate outings, as no one could outdrink any of them.

---

It was a Monday, the worst day of the week, according to Ilya. Not because it was the start of the work week, but because everyone and their mothers liked going to the office on that day. It was unnecessarily loud, overcrowded, and the coffee always ran out before noon. He had complained to the facilities team endlessly about this issue, yet his complaints had gone mostly unheard. They'd given him a card for free coffee from the coffee shop in the lobby, which wasn't a solution for Ilya; the coffee was always burnt, and the scones were cold in the middle too.

So he decided to go to a specialty coffee shop three blocks away, where the coffee was delicious, and they had wonderfully warm baked goods. 

"Hi Ilya!" The girl behind the counter greeted him, "the usual?"

"Hey Amelia!" He replied, just as cheerfully. He liked her a lot, because she was always happy to see him. "Yes. And a chocolate chip muffin, please."

"Noted," she started moving around, setting up the coffee machine. "I was surprised to see your boyfriend come here with someone else, it looked suspiciously like a date," she said conversationally, and Ilya was momentarily confused.

"I don't have a boyfriend, though."

"Oh," she looked sheepish. "I thought you and Shane..."

'Ah,' Ilya thought. Of course she would say that, they got coffee for each other often, and they'd been at this place together before, either for lunch, or for a coffee after work.

"Well," he replied, trying to truly sound like he didn't mind the confusion, because he didn't. "You wouldn't be the only one to assume we're a couple, but we're just really good friends. Been friends for so long now," he chuckled.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. You're just so chill, I forget you're a customer sometimes," she still looked worried, and Ilya laughed with a bit more heart this time.

"You're good, we're both used to it by now! It's hell on earth at work, where many coworkers won't stop giving us grief about getting together for good."

"Ugh, that must suck," she handed him the muffin, and turned to cap the coffee mug.

"Eh," he gestured with his hands, then somewhat changed the topic, "he must have been here for a date with a guy from a different team," he told her, checking that there weren't other customers behind him. "Hot guy, tall, really visually pleasing."

Amelia laughed at last, "truly unfair, they were both unbearably gorgeous,” Ameila despaired. “Anyways, here's your coffee. Have a nice afternoon, Ilya!"

---

Shane was pacing, nervous and alone in an office that wasn't his. He finally heard Ilya's footsteps getting closer, and exhaled.

"Fucking hell, Shane!" Ilya yelled as he opened the door and saw Shane in the dark. "What the fuck, why didn't you turn the lights on?! What are you doing here?"

"I went to get lunch with Troy."

"Yeah, I was told," Ilya said, unsure of the reason for Shane's distress. "What happened, were you uncomfortable?"

Shane started pacing again, not knowing how to explain himself.

"No, he was nice," he heard himself say. "Respectful, though he made sure to let me know he thought I'm extremely attractive. He wants to see me again."

"Ok..." Ilya stretched out the word, "and that is an issue because...?"

Shane sighed, deciding that whatever dignity he thought he had, was long gone after Ilya had carried his blackout drunk limp body to his flat two weeks ago. 

"Please don't make fun of me, I'm embarrassed enough."

"Can't make a promise I might not keep," Ilya smirked, and Shane knew this would be another Ilya related nightmare of his. 

"Ok. Ok, here goes" Shane tried to steel himself. "I haven't kissed anybody in too long. I haven't slept with anybody since then either."

Ilya looked like he was hearing old news, and it infuriated Shane a little. 

"Shane, babe, I already know. I haven't told Troy if that's what worries you," Ilya told Shane, and it almost sounded like a question. "I did talk to him about the issue he had with his team in the Vancouver office, but I promise I didn't even mention you."

Now it was Shane's time to be confused, "what does that have to do with this?"

"You tell me! You're in my office, freaking out about a guy who is objectively a 9 asking you out for a second date, and telling me you haven't kissed or fucked anybody in years, which, Shane Hollander! You should have told m-" Ilya cut himself off. He understood now, the underlying tone of desperation in Shane's voice. 

Silence. Ilya didn't dare break it for fear of bursting out laughing and making his friend feel worse, and Shane didn't dare break it and have to accept he was a failure.

---

Ilya was setting down the two glasses and three different bottles of alcohol, because he wasn't sure what mood Shane would be in when he arrived. 

For the most part, after freaking out a few times in the past couple of weeks, Shane had been acting ok, like he was just nervous to go back to dating. Ilya figured it was normal, as he remembered how things had been when Shane was with Ryan, and their consequent break up. He was well aware Shane had been very heartbroken, and it was all made worse by the fact that the break up had happened organically. They'd simply stopped being compatible, and, for their young age, they took the most mature road they could have, which was to break up and not try to force things. 

Ryan was an ok guy in Ilya's book, but he could never understand how the relationship held up for so long, considering Shane and Ryan were both introverted, shy boys who didn't talk much, and very anxious.

He only asked Shane about how they came to be together once, because he didn't want to be rude. They had been together since they were 17 until they turned 23, but Ilya hadn't met Shane until they were almost 20, so he just got used to seeing Ryan occasionally, and being puzzled by the relationship.

Shane had been committed, though, and did his best to include Ryan whenever possible; it was obvious there was love between them, so Ilya had swallowed his pride and his ginormous crush on Shane since. It all had worked in the end, as he was now very close to Shane, which had been incredibly important to Ilya, even if Shane didn't know.

The sound of the door opening, and Shane's face appearing behind it, took Ilya's mind away from the memories of a life that felt like a million years ago.

"Hey," he said to Shane, who looked mostly expressionless.

Shane walked towards him, hugging him tightly when they were close enough to touch. "Ilya, oh my god," he whispered, "I was so afraid. But everything's fine, it was just a scare."

Ilya exhaled, hugged Shane back, and buried his nose in Shane's hair, rubbing shapeless patterns on his back. He felt Shane's shoulders shake.

"You're ok," Ilya whispered softly, afraid to startle him. "You're ok, she's ok, everything will be ok, Shane. You can let it out now."

And Shane did. He cried, shook, held onto Ilya for what felt like hours, but had been mere minutes. 

Now, Ilya remembered the reason Shane had been so tense and stressed out. Doctors had found a weird lump in Shane's mum's brain, and they were getting the results today. And from what Shane had said, she had been cleared.

Shane started to break the hug, and Ilya tried not to think about how wrong he felt for wanting to keep holding him just a little longer.

"Sorry, your jumper is all covered in snot now," he said, making Ilya snort. "Thank you, I didn't know who else to go to, I've been so worried. She will still need surgery, but it'll be ok. She's in great hands."

---

"You want me to do what?" Ilya shrieked, sitting upright in Shane's bed as Shane washed his face and brushed his teeth. 

"Please, Ilya. It took a lot of courage for me to even bring this up."

"Are you aware of what you're asking though? Shane, we're not in grade 8," Ilya was feeling the edges of panic rise within his body.

"You're my closest friend, and you've done this a lot, I'm sure you can help me out!" Shane stepped out of the bathroom, shirtless and in underwear, and Ilya wanted to cry because it all was wrong. 

He was hoping his panic didn't show, "and you would be ok with this?"

"Well, I asked! I've been putting off my date with Troy because I know he'll ask and I don't want to disappoint him."

"Shane," Ilya breathed deeply, "think for a minute of what you're saying. We're 28 years old, you cannot be seriously asking me to give you kissing lessons," he shuddered. "I feel wrong just by saying it out loud."

Shane sighed, "you don't understand, and I'm not asking you to," he said sitting next to Ilya, underneath the duvet. 

"What's so wrong about not having 'experience,' as you say?" Ilya shot back. "Wouldn't it be better if you explored each other and learned how to be with each other instead?"

And, suddenly, Ilya wanted to kick himself. He did think Shane asking him to kiss him to practise before his date with Troy was the most ridiculous question ever, but he didn't want Shane to feel bad about being anxious.

Shane breathed out, "please, Ilya. Don't make me beg."

His voice sounded small, and Ilya noticed he was watching his own hands, and picking at a hangnail. 

Part of Ilya wanted to really say no, because he really thought it was silly to be nervous about kissing a guy who was interested in him the way Troy was. The other side of him were just his deepest desires that had stayed buried for almost a decade. Ilya was sure he didn't want to unpack that.

Still, he chose to be selfish, self-preservation be damned.

"I will do it only on one condition," he told Shane eventually. Shane nodded. "It'll be only three... lessons, for lack of a better word. And we will both be sober."

If this was going to be the worst experience for Ilya, then he'd surely make it shit for Shane too. He was already regretting agreeing to it, feeling juvenile and stupid, and absolutely sure he was about to make a huge mistake.

---

Shane didn't know what had possessed him to ask Ilya for help on something that had started to sound sillier the more Shane thought about it, but he knew it would be much worse if he backtracked, so he just stood in front of Ilya's door, trying to calm himself down. 

He had never felt awkward letting himself into Ilya's flat, nor dreaded seeing Ilya before. Yet there he was, doing breathing exercises because he didn't know how this would go. 

Did Shane just go in, and act like normal? Would Ilya expect him to get inside, and just go for his mouth? Was Ilya as nervous as he was?

He took one more deep breath, and opened the door. 

The first thing he saw was the two glasses of wine on the coffee table. He then saw Ilya, back turned to the entrance, rummaging through his cutlery drawer, muttering something Shane didn't quite catch. He immediately relaxed. It was just Ilya, and this had been his own idea. There was no need to feel anxious about his best friend helping him find his footing.

"The corkscrew is in the second drawer," Shane said, closing the door behind him after he made out the words 'wine' and 'cork'. "You left it there last time."

Ilya finally found the tool and turned to Shane. "How the fuck do you know my house better than I do? So annoying."

There was an edge in Ilya's voice, but Shane saw him relax bit by bit as they started talking about everything and nothing, just like any normal hangout of theirs. They talked about work, their friends, Svetlana and Rose's trip, and the upcoming concert they were attending together, a solo show by the frontwoman of a band they both loved.

"Well," Ilya stood up quickly, and walked around the table to sit next to Shane on the loveseat. "Enough beating around the bush, no?"

The way he had said it put Shane at ease above all else. Still, all he could manage was nodding. 

"Shane, I need words. Are you still ok with this? Do you still want to do this?"

Shane swallowed, "yes. I still want to do this."

But there was an uncomfortable heat pooling in his stomach, and he was sure it had something to do with the resurfacing of those old feelings he'd had for Ilya back when he'd needed help, and Ilya had so carelessly given it, just like right now. He vaguely remembered he was doing all of this so that he wouldn't look like a fool in front of someone else, and decided to stop thinking about it when he felt like that reason was inadequate.

"Ok," he heard Ilya's voice, so close to his face now, he could smell toothpaste. Ilya had prepared for this, and Shane felt he might be blushing. 

He dropped his eyes down to Ilya’s lips. They were heart shaped, Shane thought distractedly. And had they always looked so inviting?

He felt Ilya's hands, soft and warm, caressing him from the space where his collarbone met the neck, up his neck, one hand finding its place tangled softly in Shane's hair, with the other cupping the right side of his face, his thumb drawing faint circles on his cheek. He saw Ilya start to lean in, not breaking the eye contact Shane hadn't even realised they were holding until his eyes fluttered closed.

Ilya's lips were soft, was Shane's first thought. He then let himself be kissed, let Ilya pull him onto his lap, where they briefly got separated, but Shane didn't open his eyes, expecting Ilya to kiss him again, which he did. And this time, Ilya was moving his lips slowly but determined, slotting his bottom lip between both of his own. 

He felt Ilya tilt his head, pull lightly at his hair as he opened his mouth slightly to kiss him deeper still, and realised he should kiss Ilya back, so he did, shyly parting his lips, allowing himself to swallow Ilya's warm breath, and lose himself in the feeling. Ilya made a sound of approval.

Shane's mind was somewhere else, however, somewhere between his break up with Ryan, and the feelings he knew he couldn't have for Ilya. It had been such a weird time, and for the first time since he’d had the stupid idea of asking Ilya to help him become a better kisser, he considered maybe this hadn't been the greatest of plans.

He was sad to feel Ilya give him a final peck on the lips, and kept his eyes closed for a moment, hoping he’d be kissed again. He hoped his disappointment wasn’t showing on his face, as he blinked a couple of times. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't want to face reality with the thoughts that were swimming around in his mind right at the time.

"I can hear you thinking," Ilya brought him back to the present time. "You need to feel the kiss, Shane. You can't be doing your shopping list in your head when you kiss Troy."

"I wasn't doing that!"

"Whatever you were doing, please don't do it when you kiss people. They'll think you're bored!"

"Jesus, Ilya! I was just thinking about-" but Shane cut himself off. 

There was no way he was about to admit to Ilya he had been thinking of his ex, or how he had developed a sort of crush on Ilya while he grieved his relationship. He didn't even know where he was standing, and absolutely refused to bring Ilya into his mess.

"About what?" He heard Ilya ask, and noticed the sudden seriousness in his voice. "Thinking about what?"

"I don't know, about how bad I really am at kissing," Shane lied the flimsiest lie he had ever lied. To his surprise, Ilya gave him the most smug smile upon hearing that.

"Ah, so my kiss was so good you started to take mental notes, interesting!"

Oh well, "something like that, yeah." 

He got off Ilya's lap, shuffled in his seat, and Ilya put some more distance between them, as he finally filled two glasses of wine, "you do need to let yourself go a bit sometimes, Shane. I do have to say, though, when you finally remembered to kiss back, it was enjoyable."

Shane felt his body betray him this time, blushing with his whole face, "asshole."

---

"Can I get everybody's attention!" Cliff bellowed, one cup too many in his system already. No one listened.

Shane was sandwiched between Svetlana and a guy from marketing, who he was sure was named Fabian, in an uncomfortable restaurant booth. Shane didn't know how they'd ended up sitting next to each other, but weirder things always happened during those after office parties. He wasn't paying much attention to anything, instead thinking about the previous Friday night. Specifically, he was thinking about the conversation he and Ilya had after they'd kissed.

For some reason, Ilya had felt vulnerable after a couple of glasses of wine, which Shane knew from experience weren't enough to get Ilya even close to tipsy. But Shane had listened intently, and had been thinking about it ever since. 

Because Ilya had opened up about his past, when his brother had found him and a childhood friend kissing, and had beaten Ilya bloody after the other boy had left, and how much that event had impacted Ilya. Shane had been speechless, but he'd felt his rage simmering, though he'd done his best to not let it show on his face. For some reason Shane could still not understand, this memory kept popping up in his head, regardless of where he was, what he was doing, or with whom, but he was starting to feel bothered by it. 

"...and Ryan was there too, he got me flowers, gave me his coat afterwards. He was so sweet, happy to see me on stage. Such a gentleman."

'Huh,' Shane thought to himself, as he heard Fabian talk about who seemed to be his boyfriend, given the open smile on his face.

He saw Cliff get on the table, staggering only slightly, "EVERYBODY, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE," he outright screamed. This time, everyone turned around, and Shane heard comments of enjoyment from some girls he couldn't see behind him. Cliff was well liked by everyone, but he was specially favoured by most women at the office. Seeing him tumbling around on the table, he could kinda see why.

Shane then saw Ilya grinning wickedly at Cliff, with his feet firmly on the floor; he was clearly enjoying this. He chose this moment to turn and look around for Shane.

It wasn't anything new, to be honest, to try and find each other at these parties when they weren't sitting together, so Shane was only mildly confused when he felt his stomach drop a bit as he and Ilya locked eyes. The feeling passed quickly, though, as Ilya's smile grew into something absolutely devilish. 

Oh no.

"Thank you, you beautiful looking workers of Centaurs Ltd.," Cliff began. "Tonight is a very special night! We're here to celebrate a couple of birthdays, but, more importantly, some promotions," he winked, making everyone laugh. 

"First, the three people who make this office run without a hitch," he pointed at each person in order, "Svetlana Vetrova, now head of HR of the Americas, Rose Landry, now team leader of Global Secops, and our newly appointed CTO, Scott Hunter! Give it up for them!"

Everyone was clapping and whistling, as Svetlana and Rose kissed each other and did a little celebratory dance next to him, while Scott smiled and nodded, not letting go of his husband's hand.

Shane wasn't really the most corporate loving guy, but he really liked the atmosphere at Centaurs Ltd., because it was always an easy going vibe. His feelings were always validated by the way everyone knew each other at the office, and how there never was much drama, even if tensions arose at times; the company culture was truly nice, and it gave the impression of a tight knit team of teams.

"Yes, yes! The coolest podium, I know," Cliff spoke into the microphone. "Then, we cannot forget to mention those who keep our servers primed and ready, our offices properly connected, or those who are there to lend a hand at all times," Cliff turned in the general direction of Shane, and Shane started to sweat. Oh no. "Our newest senior managers of Infrastructure and Networks, Shane Hollander, and Ilya Rozanov, respectively, and the new team leaders for the morning and afternoon service desk shifts, Hayden Pike, and Wyatt Hayes!"

Shane saw the 8 service desk agents actually get on the table and start dancing and yell their hoorays at their leaders, and the surge of pride he felt for Hayden momentarily made him forget he had also been mentioned. 

When he snapped back, Ilya was already at his table, beckoning him to move away from Svetlana's and Fabian's sides. Shane shook his head no, feeling the blood rush to his face at the attention, then leave it when Ilya held onto his hand, and started pulling him out. Fabian and his colleague had stood up to give Ilya access to Shane.

"Come on, baby. We've got to celebrate our promotions!"

Shane felt Ilya pull him out of the booth, finally, and plant a loud kiss on his cheek, nothing they hadn't done before at these parties, but once again, Shane felt the rush of blood reach his cheeks, and mentally tried to chalk it up to everyone looking at them. He felt himself grin, despite the mix of emotions currently swirling around in his stomach, and he grabbed the shot of whatever Ilya was handing him. 

"Ok," Ilya said to him, linking their arms together, "on three," he shouted, and had the cheek to wink at Shane afterwards. How destabilising.

The whole party counted to three. Shane looked at Ilya, who was already looking at him, and felt happiness, even if he was uneasy having the whole office's eyes on them. He noticed Troy, also staring, a polite smile on his face that communicated absolutely nothing. 

"Three!!!" Everyone yelled in unison, and he and Ilya downed their shots - tequila, now that he'd swallowed it - bridal style. Salt and lime wedges appeared now, and he thought to himself how the salt had to go before the shot, but still bit on a lime wedge.

"Congrats, man!" Ilya told him in a voice too quiet for the cheers that should have died down after a minute, but hadn't. He smiled at Ilya one more time.

"Well I hated this, but we do deserve it," he said. "Congratulations, Ilya."

He then had to fight the sudden urge to kiss Ilya, bite his lips, push him against a wall and kiss him some more. It was probably the alcohol, he lied to himself.

---

"So," Svetlana told Shane while putting her knife and fork down, "you're telling me you actually asked Ilya to kiss you?" 

They were having lunch at a restaurant near the office, as Svetlana had told Shane she felt like they weren't friends anymore.

It was true that they'd been spending less time together, and it all had to do with Svetlana and Rose choosing to do more couple activities, and Shane becoming somehow closer to Ilya, and spending almost every weekend doing something with him. Shane had put things into perspective, and realised how it looked, and he didn't want Svetlana to get the wrong idea.

Shane chewed his pork chop for far too long before swallowing, taking a sip of his wine right after. Finally, with no more time to buy, he replied, "yes. I asked him, and he agreed, though he was reticent at first."

Svetlana rolled her eyes, "at least one of you has some common sense," she took a sip of her own glass of wine, and Shane could see the suspicion in her eyes. "And you're ok with this, Shane? You don't see anything weird?"

"Why should it be weird? You and Rose used to do that," he defended himself weakly, regretting his words as soon as they'd come out of his mouth.

"Well, yes, it was normal. It would be normal for you and Ilya if you were trying to tell me there's an undisclosed mutual crush between both of you. Is there?"

Shane sighed, "I don't think so."

“You sound defeated,” Svetlana stated as she cut a bite of her steak.

“I truly am not.”

There was a long silence, in which Svetlana took her time to finish her meal, and waited for Shane to do the same. He was tense, and mildly bothered that Svetlana wasn't.

"I'll say one thing only," she started. "You're both playing with fire. Even if there have never been any feelings between you, which I don’t believe for a second, you’re so close to each other that you’re bound to feel different about each other, no matter how much you lie to yourselves that you won’t.”

Shane chose to stay silent, unwilling to let Svetlana know she’d gotten at least one thing right.

---

"Heyyy," Ilya sing-sang into Shane's flat, closing the door with one hand, "got you a lemon bundt!"

There was no reply, and Ilya worried Shane may not be home. Or worse, that he could be with someone. With Troy. He took a couple more tentative steps further into the house, and finally heard the sound of water against ceramic tiles.

The relief that washed over him felt ridiculous.

He placed the box with the two slices of lemon and poppy seed bundt cake on the kitchen table, and made himself at home on Shane's sofa. 

They had no plans for the afternoon, and Ilya was there for their second kissing lesson, which had now started to sound stupider even in his head. 

He was nervous, though he wouldn't let Shane know that, but he had been nervous since the last after office, where he and Shane had done tequila shots, and Shane had looked at Ilya with the most wistful eyes, right before he had looked at Ilya's lips with a hunger he hadn't even bothered to conceal. That had all been new, and Ilya hadn’t wanted to give it too much attention.

His mind had been torturing ever since, until it was a stream of thoughts only about Shane. Was Shane feeling confused? Was he feeling their energy shift? Did Shane think about the next time they would kiss? Was this all in Ilya's head? 

He heard the water shut off, and tried to relax. No matter how he felt, this was still Shane. His friend Shane, whom he trusted, and who trusted him back. It was not the time to make it weird after all the years of constant comments from everyone around them telling them they were blind and wasting time. 

He must have nodded off for a moment, because the next thing he felt was Shane's weight next to him.

"Hello sleepyhead," he could hear the fondness in Shane's voice. "Come to bed, you can nap for a bit."

He opened his eyes, took a look at Shane, with his hair damp, and his stupid soft smile, and decided that yes, a nap in his bed was the right thing to do.

He fell into a peaceful sleep, and dreamt of going for coffee with Shane, as they often did, and it was a sunny day, with people dressed in summer clothes walking their dogs. The dream then turned into an after office party where he and Shane were doing tequila shots again, and the whole office were cheering loudly, something that wasn't an unknown feeling to either of them. He looked at Shane, and noticed how the alcohol made his cheeks flush, and how that made his freckles pop against his skin. Ilya reached out to caress Shane's cheek, and heard Shane call out to him, sounding much more distant than he was.

"Ilya...?" He barely registered the soft voice calling out to him in reality, and not in his dream. 

"Hey," he sounded like it had been years since he'd last had a sip of water. But his thirst could never be quenched by water alone, the voice in his head whispered. No, he needed Shane.

"Nice nap?" Ilya finally opened one eye, in time to see Shane putting a bookmark in the book he was reading, and taking his reading glasses off as he asked. Ilya wanted them to stay on for some reason.

And then, something much bigger than him took over. Shane was brushing the back of his index and middle fingers over his cheek, sending shivers down his spine as they went over his lips. It felt like fire.

It was overwhelming, and there was nothing to do about it. In a second, Ilya was already sitting up against Shane's bedhead, mind racing, when he decided he was here for a reason, moving to straddle Shane's legs. 

He heard Shane's surprised gasp, which he thought was driving him crazy, until he felt Shane hold him by the waist. The look on his eyes was pure lust, and Ilya had to force himself not to moan at the sensations running through him with just one look, reminding himself that this was his best friend, and they were not dating. 

His skin burned wherever Shane would touch him, and the sound of his breathing, now picking up, was making him feel drunk. 

He was fully awake now.

It was Shane who leaned in, tilting his head up, moving his hands down to grab Ilya by the hips, trying to hold him down. 

Ilya met him in the middle, kissing Shane with force, pulling at his hair without much force, while his other hand was on Shane's neck, softly squeezing. He licked Shane's lip in a way that felt obscene even to himself, biting his lips along the way. 

He was surprised that Shane was not only kissing him back, but was also kissing him much differently than the previous time. There was no hesitation in the way he was moving. He was also kissing Ilya fiercely, sucking on his bottom lip like he'd never had a chance to do it again. 

That would be smart, Ilya thought, once again remembering where he was and what he was doing. He slowly released Shane's hair, giving him a soft, final kiss, and rolled off Shane’s lap.. Shane’s whine at the loss of contact almost made Ilya kiss him again.

"Much better," he said, sounding more out of breath than he felt. 

Shane didn’t meet his eyes for a moment. Ilya wondered if he was trying to calm himself down. He wasn’t stupid, and was well aware both of their bodies had reacted strongly to their makeout session, but he was nothing if not a gentleman, and he wasn’t going to say anything for the sake of both. 

Shane bit his lip, turning to look at him, “I want to do that again,” he whispered, out of breath as well.

Ilya chuckled, “greedy.” 

He saw a pillow coming towards his face, and laughed out loud.

“Was I any good?” Shane asked, sheepish, afterwards.

“Are you kidding me?” Ilya was actually shocked that Shane would ask. Still, knowing the position they were in was due to Shane’s insecurities, he just took a deep breath, and answered, “yes. You were amazing, and I know we both enjoyed that.”

“Any tips?”

Ilya had to bite his lip. There were no tips he could give that wouldn’t involve, at least, some grinding against each other, getting clothing items off, or kissing each other somewhere other than the mouth. 

“You don’t have to practise this on me, but you can get adventurous with kissing people, Shane. There’s the neck, shoulders, chin, ears. All kissable. It just depends on what he likes.”

Shane hummed, eyes far, far away. After a few seconds, he turned to look at Ilya.

“Bundt cake?”

---

Things were strange at the office, Ilya noticed by Wednesday, when half the finance team were looking at him as if trying to figure something out. 

He got paranoid for a second, thinking maybe Shane had said something about what they were doing behind closed doors, but quickly dismissed the idea, as it was much more likely for Ilya himself to say something about it, than Shane. Worth noticing, however, was the fact that Troy wasn’t one of them.

“Hey, hottie,” he heard Cliff before he felt him wrap his arm around him. “Slow morning no more, Montreal are down.”

Ilya cursed under his breath, taking the shortest route to his office. He bumped into Rose on the way, who stopped whatever she was doing to follow him into it, and sat on one of his chairs.

“Good morning, handsome. I have some intel,” she motioned towards where he was coming from, the finance department.

“Rose,” he sighed, defeated. “That intel is extremely important to me, but I have to make like three different calls immediately, and I don’t know when I’ll be free. Promise to get biscuits and cold brew for us when I send you a signal, so that you can share it with me?”

Rose stood up, walking to the door with the airs of someone who knew they knew so much, “you better pray I’m not busy by then!”

Ilya cursed some more, as he opened his Teams phone to call his Montreal counterpart. There were already 13 unread emails, 68 unread chats from the Americas group chat, Hayden Pike’s reports coming in from the service desk, and his boss sending him the numbers for the two different incidents already opened with the Montreal ISP. 

Looking at it, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to talk to Rose unless this was resolved during the morning. Sadly, his Montreal counterpart was a useless asshole named Dallas Kent, and his Teams showed he had been away since the day before. Great.

---

The show had been a blast, the singer had left her soul right there on the stage, and Ilya’s neck was sore from looking up so much. He and Shane had requested the day off, went to queue after lunch, and ran as hard as they could to get barricade. 

They’d refused to have beer so as to not have to move from their places at all, though they'd gratefully taken the water offered by the venue staff when the crowd started getting wild. It had been a wonderful experience, the singer had signed both of their shirts telling them they were the cutest couple of the night. Be it because of their overflowing happiness, or because they’d got her attention, they didn’t correct her.

Now that it was over, they were waiting for the crowd to file out. Shane was sitting on the ground, and there was no rush, no attempt to leave from either of them, even when most concertgoers had left.

“Ilya,” Shane’s voice sounded foreign. 

“Yes, love?”

“If I asked you to give me my final lesson right now, would you do it?”

“What?” He was confused for a moment. “Oh.” 

“Would you?”

“What’s brought this on? Are you that high on adrenaline still?”

Shane stood up, walking purposefully towards him, “no.”

Ilya didn’t know what to think or say, so he didn’t for some time. Had the question been asked by someone else, it would have been weird, but it was Shane. The same Shane that had asked for kissing lessons at his big age.

“Is there any particular reason? Are you seeing Troy later?” Ilya asked, confused, as he was supposed to stay with Shane for the night, if anything, because he lived farther away, and it had been a long day.

“I just want to have my last lesson now.”

“Ok,” Ilya said, having never felt less ok than at that moment.

So there he was, standing in an emptying room with Shane looking at him full of expectation.

He walked closer into Shane’s space, once again caressing those damn freckles. This would be the last time he kissed Shane, and it was breaking his heart in a way Ilya wasn’t willing to dwell on for the time being. But because it was the last time, he felt justified in being as soft as he wanted to.

He put his hands on each side of Shane’s face, softly, which made Shane’s eyes flutter closed in a way that was so pretty, it made Ilya’s stomach tie in a knot. He swallowed hard, and left kisses as soft as a could on both freckled cheeks, then a soft kiss on his nose, which made Shane shudder. He moved his hands down, one to the back of Shane’s neck, the other to Shane’s right hip.

Shane sighed, parting his lips slightly, moving both hands to tangle in Ilya’s hair. Ilya felt like he was seeing stars.

“Will you kiss me already,” Shane demanded, voice full of a want that Ilya didn’t want to believe was directed at him. 

Still, he wasted no time and did as asked. He kissed Shane like a man going to war, convinced he’d never get to kiss those lips ever again. He was intoxicated, kissing Shane slow, tasting  everything there was to taste, biting and licking Shane’s bottom lip and tongue, occasionally, and feeling Shane unabashedly do the same to him. Ilya couldn’t form a single thought that wasn’t just ShaneShaneShane.

What was worse, Shane couldn’t stop touching him either, running his hands up and down Ilya’s back, openly moaning into the kiss, and trying to get Ilya even closer to him, which, in all honesty, was not possible anymore.

They were kissing each other so passionately, so desperately, that Ilya was starting to feel lightheaded, but he didn’t want to stop. 

He did, however. Someone had to be the voice of reason, and judging by Shane’s reaction, it wasn’t going to be him.

Shane whined as he felt Ilya move away, holding him in place by the hips.

“Well, how about we get an uber?” Ilya said, fully aware of the poor venue workers being so close, listening to them.

Shane seemed to have noticed the same, and nodded, keeping his head down.

Neither of them said anything else until they were safe in Shane’s apartment, about 25 minutes later.

“So…” Ilya started.

“I told Troy,” Shane blurted out. 

It was too much information after such a long silence. 

“What? Is that the reason his team have been staring knives at me?”

“Probably,” Shane sighed. “Look, I promise I’ll explain everything, but can we please shower and eat first?”

“Shane, you’re not asking me to shower together…right?

“Maybe later,” Shane replied simply, as if he wasn’t sending direct signs to Ilya’s cock, before changing the topic. “There’s lasagna in the freezer, it has instructions on it. Could you please get that going? I won’t be long. You can go once I come out.”

In the shower, Ilya had had enough time to admit to himself that he wanted Shane in a boyfriend type of way, and struggled to accept that the crush, the feelings he’d had for him all of those years before had never truly gone away. They had been hidden in a box at the back of his heart, and they had now grown much bigger than that; now running through his veins, in every corner of his body, holding his ribcage up to help oxygen fill his lungs. 

He ended his shower with a deep breath, feeling a tiredness he knew wasn’t related to the day.

By the time he was getting dressed, Shane’s oven was signalling that the lasagna was ready. Ilya put on the shirt he got after the show, pants, and pyjama trousers, only slightly worried about their impending conversation. 

When he got to the kitchen, food was already served, and Shane had poured a glass of wine for each. Ilya wasn’t sure it was the best idea.

They ate mostly in silence, and Ilya was sure they were just too hungry to really think of anything else. The lasagna was delicious, too.

“Ok, so, first things first,” Shane said when he was halfway through his portion, “can you believe she’s real? No, no. Can you believe she signed our shirts? She knows we exist, Ilya!”

And Ilya was chuckling, feeling his body relax at the normalcy. Shane was insane about music, and whenever he saw his favourite artists, he couldn’t stop talking about it. It endeared Ilya to no end.

“Yes, I know!” Ilya threw his hands in the air. “I’m still in awe that she’s so tiny, yet her presence was huge. I went as a fan, and now I want to be her friend. Immaculate vibe.”

They talked some more about other things that happened during the show, like how she sang Shane’s favourite song, and the way she was so raw and honest about her feelings. He declared it his favourite show by the end of his speech.

Ilya waited until Shane was done eating to wash up, and, finally, heard Shane walk towards his room. When he was finished, he decided to brush his teeth before going to bed, and prayed he could stay awake long enough to actually talk with Shane.

“Well,” Shane patted the spot next to himself in bed, “I’ve run out of excuses to avoid the topic.”

“Are you ill?” Ilya replied, walking around the bed to settle himself under the duvet that smelled like woodsy laundry detergent. “I don’t think I’ve ever experienced you being direct like this. Don’t spoil me.”

“I’m going to say many things, please listen carefully,” Shane waited until Ilya nodded. “When Ryan and I broke up-”

Ilya suddenly remembered the piece of gossip he’d accidentally heard in the kitchen during the week. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said, “but I will forget. Did you know the guy from marketing, the tiny one who sings on the side?”

Shane sighed, “Fabian?”

“Yes, that one!” Ilya nodded like a madman. “He’s seeing Ryan, I heard him telling his friend about him, and then he showed her a picture, and I might have turned around at the right moment, and it was him.”

“Well, I just hope they’re happy,” Shane sounded surprised and sincere. “Ryan is a great guy.”

“Ok, sorry, please go on,” Ilya mimicked locking his lips with a key.

“Right. So, when Ryan and I broke up, I was heartbroken, as you know very well,” Ilya nodded, remembering how much he had wanted to make Shane feel not sad back then. “You were so nice to me, always joking when I started to drift away into myself, letting me cry when I needed to, hugging me when I would just ramble about the unfairness of it all.”

“Some time passed, you were still so constant, simply a good thing - perhaps the only good thing going on in my life. I developed a crush. It was a big one.”

Ilya could feel his mouth hanging open, not trusting his voice enough to make any sound, let alone question Shane about it.

“And instead of thinking ‘I don’t want to ruin the friendship,’ all I could think of was ‘Ilya can’t be a rebound.’ I realised why I felt like that very recently,” Shane stopped talking, allowing Ilya to take in all of the information that was new to him.

After a few minutes, Ilya found his voice.

“Shane, I…” he struggled to put his thoughts into words. “When we met, I had the biggest crush anyone has ever had on someone, on you.”

“You did? I never noticed,” Shane was actually surprised this time. Ilya could also hear the slightest hint of sadness in his voice.

“Well, you had eyes for no one but Ryan back then, babe. That’s why I never said anything,” Ilya confessed. “By the time you two broke up, I had already made up my mind that I wanted you around for as long as possible, even if it was just as friends.”

“Oh, wow.”

“Lately, however, those thoughts have been swirling around in my head, I have to admit. I wonder why.”

Shane chuckled, “funny you should say that. We’ve been friends all this time, so whenever I had an inappropriate thought about our friendship, I’d just convince myself we’re just soulmates who happen to be friends, and not lovers. That everyone who said we should be together had never known platonic love.”

“You do seem to have put a lot of thought into this,” Ilya teased. “I thought it was just me going insane lately.”

“No, not at all. So anyways,” Shane shook his head as if to shake the distractions off, “Hayden set me up with Troy, and I thought to myself ‘well, he is hot, and it’s been a while, I should date again.’ I never felt that way before. But then I got insecure, which you already know, and I propositioned you with the stupidest idea ever.”

“Yes, I know this part. Still confused about it, I admit,” Ilya deadpanned.

“Shush. I went on my first date with Troy, which you also know how it went. And there I was, sitting across from one of the hottest men in the office, having a nice time, laughing, and I panicked because despite how wild I can be when drinking, I haven’t kissed someone in years. But you have, and that’s where my mind went.”

“And then I went to your house, did you know I stood outside for like 15 minutes, because I was so nervous?”

“And yet,” Ilya sat up straighter, not wanting to miss anything that might show on Shane’s face, “you still thought it wasn’t a bad idea. Your mind is truly a wonder.”

“It seemed like a great idea in my head. But then you kissed me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about my breakup and how much I had wanted you to kiss me just like that back then,” Shane blushed. “On my way home, I simultaneously realised I didn’t want to kiss Troy, and that I wanted to kiss you, and maybe even more than that.”

“Go on,” Ilya could hear how low his voice had gone, but he didn’t care.

“I wanted to kiss you at the after office party, and I still don’t know why I didn’t. I had already talked to Troy, I told him I was very sorry that I had wasted his time, but that I had finally figured out it’s you who I want,” Shane shuddered. “He was nice about it, told me he was ok with our breakup of sorts, since it was you, and he knew no one held a candle to you, and wished me the best of luck even though I didn’t need it. His words, not mine.”

“Still now,” Shane started to pick at his nails, nervously, “I feel like there’s a possibility you won’t be interested, but I needed to let it out.”

Ilya felt wrecked, like a man starved, like he had both won the lottery and lost three limbs. His heart was so conflicted, his mind was all over the place, and Shane was there, thinking he wasn’t interested.

He didn’t know what to say, so he just kneeled next to Shane, grabbing his face with his hands, and gave Shane the filthiest kiss he’d ever given. His hands were all over Shane’s body, his neck, his hair, his shoulders. Everywhere. He was kissing Shane, biting both of his lips, licking them and then biting and sucking Shane’s tongue. He could hear Shane’s soft moans, the sound travelling directly to his dick.

They kissed like they had never kissed before for the longest time, only separating when they were so out of breath, the kiss had become just them huffing and puffing into each other’s mouth. 

He looked at his tented pyjama pants, and, still out of breath, signalled to it and said, “if my kissing you didn’t show you how interested I am, maybe this will.”

Shane’s eyes were darker than Ilya had ever seen them.

“I would ask you to give me some lessons on how to take all of your cock down my throat, but I would much rather gag on it repeatedly, make up for lost time.”

Ilya decided right then and there that there was no more time to waste.