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The reception was genuinely beautiful. The string lights cast the room in a warm, soft glow. People laughed, glasses clinked, heels clicked on the dance floor. Music drifted through the room like wind and Mike was smiling so wide his cheeks probably hurted.
But Harvey hated it.
He didn’t hate Mike. Never Mike. He didn’t even hate Rachel, but he definitely wasn’t overly fond of her. She did cheat on Mike which made Mike spiral. No, he hated how it wasn’t his.
Harvey should be happy for Mike. After all, Mike is married.
But Mike was happy without him.
So instead he was on his eighth whiskey. Or maybe ninth. He lost count after the speeches and watching Mike dance with Rachel. His wife. His wife he will spend the rest of his life with, who he will wake up next to forever, who he will grow old with. Who wasn’t Harvey.
Harvey swallowed another mouthful, hoping the burn will help. It didn’t. Nothing helped the sight of Mike’s hand naturally on Rachel’s waist, like he’s been doing it forever. Mike may be the one that has photographic memory but Harvey is the one that has every sight with Mike etched into his brain with a broken Cupid arrow.
He turned away. Every breath he took filled the empty place in his heart where Mike’s love for him should be. Which is stupid. Mike wasn’t his. He was never his. And Harvey knew that, but he still couldn’t figure out why it hurt so much.
Another drink. Then another. The drinks made the edge of his vision blurry but didn’t make his thoughts quieter. The alcohol made everything in his brain which was not important (so anything that has nothing to do with Mike) quiet, so his thoughts were louder than ever.
He raised his arm to take another swing but a warm hand stopped him. He looked up and saw Mike’s blue eyes staring at him.
“Your old kidneys can’t take this much alcohol," Mike said, taking the glass from his hand, and butterflies instantly fluttered in Harvey’s stomach.
“My kidneys are none of your concern,” Harvey lightly punched Mike’s arm, just to touch him again.
Mike sat down next to him, but not close enough. Harvey shifted so they’re knees would bump but Mike didn’t even notice. The younger man let a long breath out.
“I can’t believe I’m married, Harvey,”
There was no regret in his voice. He sounded happy, relieved, in love, not regretful like how Harvey was feeling.
Mike was married. Actually married. Done. Permanent. A legally binding contract.
Harvey forced a smile, “Yeah,”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
I love you.
“Y’know what Mike?”
“Mmm?”
I love you, Michael James Ross.
Even now, even standing here watching you smile at someone else, watching you wear a ring that doesn't belong to me, watching you build a life that was never meant to include me, I love you.
I love you so much it feels like a sickness. I love you so much it feels like grief. I have loved you for so long that I can't remember when it started.
But I love you Mike, forever and always.
But Harvey couldn’t say that. He couldn’t beg for Mike’s love when it was never his in the first place.
“I would make a good husband,”
Mike laughed. The laugh Harvey fell in love with, the laugh that made the stress disappear, the laugh that made Harvey want to giggle like a school girl, the laugh that made Harvey fall so hard for Mike he never got back up.
“You would make an excellent husband,”
“You think so?” Harvey traced his eyes on Mike’s features. God he’s so beautiful.
“Yup,” Mike popped the P like he did a hundred times but this time it felt different, “You’re loyal, you care, you will protect her and definitely spoil her,”
Something throbbed in Harvey’s heart. He didn’t know where but it was underneath What if? and next to hope.
He blinked the room back into focus, everything was more blurry, including the lines of what he should and shouldn’t say.
“You really think I would make a good husband?” Harvey asked.
Mike replied with no hesitation, “The best,”
Harvey stared at Mike. Mike’s face was the only thing in focus, the noise of the room disappeared. And it was just him and Mike. Just Mike. Just the man who he loved for years. God he was so tired. So tired of pretending, of fake smiling, of acting like he doesn’t love Mike so much it physically hurts.
“Then why won’t you marry me?”
The smile vanished instantly and the noise returned. Mike froze, Harvey’s world froze. He can never take it back now. He’s naked and exposed, but his only regret is not saying it sooner.
Mike looked at everything but Harvey, “Harvey, I-I… How long?”
“Long enough,” Harvey paused, “I ruined your wedding,”
“No, no, no,” Mike shook his head, “No you didn’t,”
Harvey laughed bitterly, “Didn’t I?”
“Harvey, I’m so sorry,”
Mike was sorry that he had to be the one to rip Harvey’s heart, shred it, and then bury it.
“Yeah,” Harvey replied like an idiot.
Because what else is there to say? Mike’s love, his future, his everything is standing across the room, but Harvey’s is standing right in front of him.
Mike whispered, “I love you”
Harvey’s neck snapped up so fast it audibly cracked. For one amazing second hope exploded in his chest, he was drowning in euphoria.
“But not like that,” Mike delivered the killing blow, merciful yet fatal.
And just like that Harvey was dying of thirst again.
Years of hope, gone. Years of what ifs?, gone. Years of stupid dreams that felt possible, gone. All in one sentence from the only man he's ever truly loved and the one person he can never have.
Harvey nodded and smiled like a ninny, “You should go back to your wife,”
“Harv-”
“Go,”
Harvey’s tone was playful but he was begging to be left alone. Just to properly grieve something he thought could be his.
Mike stood up slowly, like it was physically painful. Harvey almost laughed over the irony. Mike was hurting over this when Harvey had been living with it for years.
Finally Mike nodded. One step backward. Then another. Then he was gone. Back into the crowd and Harvey was alone like he knew he would be one day.
The wedding continued around him. Nobody knew that Harvey Specter had just gotten his heart broken, nobody knew he'd just lost the greatest thing he'd never properly had.
Across the room Mike found Rachel, his wife. She smiled at him and he smiled back.
She took his hand and Harvey watched him hold it. Harvey watched Mike choose her.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Every second.
Every smile.
Every touch.
Every glance.
A thousand choices.
All hers.
Never his.
Harvey finished his whisky and the room became fuzzy except Mike.
Across the room the locked eyes.
Harvey looked at Mike like he was the only person in the room. Mike looked at Harvey like he was another person in the room.