Archive of Our Own

11:47 pm.

Ryo found himself outside again. It had become a habit at this point; study till his head feels like it's on the verge of exploding and then some more, and then go on a walk to ‘clear his mind’ (which didn't really work, by the way, it just made him think about everything else he had left to revise). 

He still had about half of a genetics chapter left and just thinking about it made him mad. Why did Hershey and Chase have to be so damn curious? Why did Mendel start all of this? He thought he would die if he had to decode another set of codons for their amino acids, or another question asking him to find which one of A and B's children had both colour blindness and haemophilia.

He just shoved his hands in his pockets and shook his head, turning the curve to head towards the nearby park - nothing a little time spent on the swings won't fix. He looks up, only to find someone seemingly passed out on the sand, right next to the swingset. There goes his plan of just ignoring them.

They had light hair - he couldn’t tell if it was white or just a very light shade of blonde that got blown out by the street lights - and were wearing white as well. There wasn’t any blood anywhere from what he could see. They also seemed to be glowing, if that made sense. It's probably just because of the light reflecting off the white.

Ryo thought about it for a minute. What if this person was just someone who took one too many mejicon? Or just drunk out of their mind? But then again it isn't really safe to be passed out in playground sand regardless of the reason. They could genuinely be unwell too. He should just wake them up. Just wake them up and go his own way.

“H-Hello? Are you alright..?” He said as he crouched down and reached out a hand to shake the person by their shoulder. Once, twice, thrice…no reaction. Holy crap. Did he just stumble across a dead body? Did he just leave his DNA on a potential crime scene? He was too young to go to jail, wasn't he?? 

As Ryo felt himself spiraling further and further, the person's arm twitched before they fully sat up.

They were pale, in an almost dead sense, with full cheeks, pouty lips, and big doe like eyes. His irises however were strange, they were almost completely black, like their pupils are blown out to the max, and seemed to reflect no light. And from their nose led a trail of blood that seemed dilute and too…sparkly? Was this person okay?

He searched his pockets for a tissue, eventually finding one from a café he went to a week or so ago, and held it out to the person, only to be met with a tilt of the head.

“Um, for your nose bleed?” He replied, sounding unsure of whether or not to detail further. 

The person continued to stare at him, their black hole like eyes drilling holes into Ryo. It had to have been a good few minutes before they moved, slowly standing up - seemingly in no hurry - and walking towards the tree line nearby. That was weird.

Ryo didn’t have time for this.

He goes on an ordinary walk in his ordinary neighbourhood in his ordinary life, and suddenly this happens? What does one even do in this situation? He could just tell his friends and move on, but what would he tell them? That he met a person passed out in the playground who had the eyes of a porcelain doll and bled glitter glue? He'd sound crazy. Not even Yushi would believe that.

So he does what he normally does - he compartmentalises it. Just put it in a tiny box and shove it in the back of his mind, behind more important things like poisson's ratio or grignard's reagent. Things that actually mattered. 

However it was 3:08 when he found himself still unable to fall asleep, still thinking about the person from earlier. They were cute in the way a doll is cute, that sort of uncanny vibe behind the artistic beauty. If they met under different circumstances, Ryo was sure he would find himself infatuated. But no, he couldn’t get over how…thin their blood seemed - the normally stark red he'd see in movies replaced with an almost pink colour, the translucent red mixing with their pale skin. And it glittered! Sure he could excuse the colour by assuming they had an incredibly low amount of haemoglobin, but how the hell is he supposed to explain the sparkly aspect? Nothing he's ever studied about has mentioned sparkly blood!

So he thinks.

He thinks and thinks and thinks until the sleep causes his eyelids to get so heavy that he has no choice but to doze off.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

The next time he sees the person is in the apartment parking lot. 

He was waiting for his older sister, happy that she's visiting after a while (even if the ‘while’ was barely three weeks). The parking lot was dingy with a flickering light in a far away corner. Ryo never liked it here - it was so open but closed off at the same time, and it just felt so eerie. He'd honestly love to be upstairs in his room, but his mother insisted that he'd help his sister bring her bags up so here he was, phone in hand and earphones playing ‘Faster’ by NCT 127. At least he got enough of a signal down here to load Spotify.

He glanced up from where he was scrolling Twitter to see a familiar, faintly glowing figure. 

The person from a few days ago.

They didn't look much different than before, same porcelain skin, slightly messy white hair, white clothes (how are people brave enough to go out in all white even?) and the same dead stare. 

Ryo would be lying if he said he wasn’t freaked out. What could he even use to defend himself? He had nothing useful with him! But he knew that panicking wouldn't do him any good, maybe he should just talk, just be nice and hopefully this person wouldn't do anything bad.

“H-Hey, I didn’t expect to meet you again,” He started, trying to keep his voice steady. “I didn’t know you lived here too.” 

“I don't,” came the person's reply, leaving Ryo a little taken aback. Contrary to their delicate, almost doll-like appearance, their voice was deep and a little raspy, like they haven't spoken in a while. 

“O…kay then,” The ebony-haired didn't know what to say to such a blunt answer. What were they doing here then? “Are you feeling better now? You had a nose bleed last time…”

The person tilted their head again, the same way they did in that park, and stayed silent for a few beats, before finally replying. 

“Yes, I am fine,” They said, before a soft smile appeared on their face. “Thank you for worrying about me.”

Something in that smile seemed to cause a lapse in Ryo's judgement.

“I'm Ryo, what's your name?” He asked, suddenly growing more and more curious about this mysterious person.

“My name is Sakuya, I'm 18 years old,” They introduced themselves, sounding like they were straight out of a textbook. “It is nice to meet you, Ryo-san.”

“That’s a pretty name, it suits you,” Ryo blurted out before he could help it. 

“What do you mean by that, Ryo-san?”

“I…don't know, it sounds soft, like you,” If you asked Ryo the top 3 most embarrassing moments of his life, he was sure this would be up there. He didn’t know what came over him, telling a stranger that they're ‘pretty’, or ‘soft’. Ugh, was he the creep in this situation? No way, right? At least he actually lived here.

“I like your name as well, Ryo-san. It rolls off the tongue nicely.”

Kyun.

Maybe this perso- Sakuya wasn't so bad after all. Surely Ryo was just overthinking it. What harm could a teenager who had angel wing embroidery on their cardigan and passes out in playgrounds even do? They were probably just going through something - probably still are. 

The ebony-haired digs into his pockets again, searching for a piece of candy he knew he had in there. A lychee flavoured hard candy. It didn't long to hear the wrapper crinkle under his fingers. 

“Um, do you want candy?” He asked, before cringing at how weird he thought he sounded. Offering someone candy in a parking lot definitely is creepy. Is Ryo creepy? 

“I would be happy to have some candy,” Sakuya replied, their smile finally reaching their eyes in a way that seemed to warm up the coldness of everything else. 

Ryo threw them the little wrapped confectionery, watching them wait a second too long but still managing to catch it perfectly. 

“Thank you very much, I will make sure to savour it.” The blonde said, still smiling warmly.

But before Ryo could reply, he heard the sound of a car horn blaring through the empty parking lot, whipping his head up to see the familiar model of his sister's car. Excitement filled his chest, making him forget about Sakuya for a second.

“Sorry, my sister's here-” He started, before turning to see the empty spot where Sakuya once stood. That was strange. Where could he have gone in such little time? 

His sister's car pulled up beside him, blocking his view entirely. 

“Ryo? What's wrong?” She asked after rolling down the windows and seeing his confused face.

“I-It’s…It’s nothing, don't worry about it,” he replied, shaking his head before smiling at her. “I'm just glad you're back, nee-chan.”

“You flatterer! I'll give you my snacks without you buttering me up, you know?” She joked as she got out, stretching because ‘sitting for so long is detrimental at my age’. Ryo never understood it because she wasn't even that old.

“Whatever, let's just get your bags and go. My legs hurt from standing for so long.” He said, trying to get out of here as soon as possible. Screw this creepy parking lot. 

That night, Ryo didn’t really think much of Sakuya. He couldn’t really with the way his sister kept going on and on about work stories, and he was lowkey really glad it turned out that way. He didn’t want to think about Sakuya or his soothing voice or cute smile or- God, he was failing, wasn't he? 

That night Ryo dreamt about an angel and konpeito. 

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

It was 23:18 when Ryo ran into Sakuya again, his familiar figure sitting on the swings, looking at something in the distance.

“Oh, Sakuya-kun!” He called out, catching the blonde’s attention. He walked a little quicker, the rustling of the family mart bag in his hands growing louder.

Sakuya’s expression only changed when Ryo got close enough to notice how his eyes crinkled at the edges even when he smiled gently.

“Ryo-san, it is nice to meet you again. I didn’t think I'd see you out this late,” Sakuya spoke, his voice bare of almost all the raspiness it carried last time, before patting the swing beside him. “Would you like to take a seat?”

“I was just taking a break from studying,” He replied as he sat down, planting his feet down firmly on the ground to stabilise the swing. “What about you? You were here even later last time.”

The blonde just stared at him, mouth open a smidge but not saying anything. 

God, did he make it awkward again? He knew something was up with Sakuya. Maybe things were hard at home. Maybe he was a run-away. Maybe he didn’t have any place to go back to. Why did he say something so stupid?

“Y-You don't need to answer, it's alright..! I was just curious,” 

Sakuya smiled again at that, and suddenly Ryo felt all his thoughts floating away like bubbles. 

“You’re very kind, Ryo-san,” He responded instead. “Very hardworking too, assuming you were on a break from studying the other day too?”

“I was, yeah. I like taking walks around this time. It's quiet and I get time to arrange my thoughts.” Ryo replied, kicking a little to start swinging slowly. A languid pace to match the conversation. 

“If that's the case, you can always talk to me,” Sakuya suggested, his first time in their conversations so far taking initiative for anything.

“Surely you can't come here every day.”

“I'm here two for two, aren't I?”

“I guess…But are you sure? Will you be, uh, allowed to come out this late?”

“Of course, I am an 18 year old boy. Surely that makes me responsible enough,”

Ryo couldn't help but let out a small laugh at that.

“Most 18 year old boys I know are like the most irresponsible people I've seen,” He says, swinging a little faster now. Being with Sakuya might actually be fun.

“Is that so? I suppose I'm just built different,” There it finally was, something not in textbook speak. 

“Built different? And here I thought you didn't know a lick of slang,” Ryo teased, before the noise of the plastic bag in his hands snapped him out of it. “Ah, would you like something to drink?”

“This late?” Sakuya asked, tilting his head once again.

“Yeah, a late night snack never hurt anyone,” Ryo said as he dug through his bag and pulled out two little tetra packs - a strawberry milk and a mocha - and held his hand out, waiting for Sakuya to choose. 

The blonde hesitantly reached out, like a stray kitten not knowing whether to accept affection from a stranger, before choosing the strawberry milk. Ryo wondered why.

“You really gotta beat the cold with cold,” The ebony-haired sighed as he happily sipped from his paper straw, the chilled drink smoothly making its way down his throat. 

He looked at Sakuya. Sakuya, who was wearing a white short-sleeve shirt and matching shorts. Sure, he had leg warmers on, but they clearly didn't help much considering how pink his knees were. And if he brought his gaze to his face, he'd notice how red his nose was as well.

Before he could process what he was doing, he was taking off his hoodie, revealing the turtle neck underneath, and draping it on the blonde's lap.

“Ryo-san..?”

That snapped him out of it.

“Oh! Uh, um, well, you looked, like, kinda cold so…” he tried to explain, even though he barely knew what he was saying himself. His words seem to just flow and flow around Sakuya, and he'd end up saying something weird. 

The blonde looked at him for a while again, before letting out a small chuckle. His first time laughing around Ryo. Ryo would be lying if he said he didn't feel happier. Maybe they could be friends after all. 

“You really are kind, Ryo-san,” Sakuya said softly, before taking a sip of his strawberry milk.

Ryo could picture it already. There was no doubt that Sakuya would get along with Yushi,  both of them shared similar weirdness - even though Sakuya’s made him feel uneasy and Yushi’s just worried him - and Ryo felt like Sion also might take a liking to him. Daeyoung liked basically everyone, and Riku would find his creepiness fun. He was so glad to be friends with Sakuya.

And so they talked.

Well, it was mostly Ryo talking and Sakuya listening - about his studies, about school, about his friends or his family - for way too long. It was only when he felt the buzzing of his phone that he snapped out of it. His sister. Crap, it was almost midnight.

He bid farewell to Sakuya and made his way back home, hoping to see him the next day, and the day after that as well. 

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

It had become a habit at this point.

Ryo would finish up his studies - sometimes even leaving things half done - and make his way towards the park. It’d become like their safe haven, Ryo got to stop thinking so much and Sakuya got someone to talk to. Not that he spoke much; even after a few weeks, Ryo barely knew anything about Sakuya. He knew that he liked to wear light colours, that he liked the colour pink, that he liked cute or sparkly things, that he was more boyish than initial appearances let on; he easily defeated Ryo in a 1v1 football match they played for fun one day. 

They were in the park again this time.

A sudden shower led them to take shelter under the sloped, castle-like roof of the play dome, right between the way to two slides. The cramped area had them sitting shoulder to shoulder, legs drawn in. As short as Ryo got teased by his friends for being, he was definitely bigger than a little kid, and Sakuya was even taller than him. It definitely wasn’t enough space for two teenaged boys to fit in comfortably. 

Sakuya was dressed pretty light today too - a white tank top layered on a light yellow shirt and, the thing that caught Ryo’s attention the most, white shorts with lace at the hem. He wasn’t judging - he could never, considering the pink smtown shirt and black washed jeans he had on - but Sakuya never really dressed like a typical teenage boy. His outfits always made Ryo think of those ball-jointed dolls that popped up sometimes whenever he was doom scrolling through reels. It was cute, yes, but he didn’t really think that they were appropriate for the 11 degree weather.

“Don’t you get cold like that?” Ryo asked him, resting his head on his folded knees.

“If I get cold, I wear your hoodie,” Sakuya simply answers. Right, his hoodie was still with him. Why did he never ask for it back again? It was his favourite.

“I’ve never seen you wear it though?”

Rainwater dripped from the plastic roof. A droplet would gather, then swell, then fall onto the gravel below. Over and over again.

“It’s…at home,” Sakuya answers, though it sounds more like a question than an answer. Like he was wondering if that was even the right answer to a question like that.

Ryo frowned slightly.

“How are you even planning on going home in this rain?” He asked, growing more and more curious about the boy in front of him. “Where do you even live?”

Sakuya hesitated at that.

“I…I can walk home,” He replied, tone still off. For the first time, it felt truly off, and not just in a socially awkward sense. In the weird sense.

The lace on Sakuya’s shorts looked damp now from running through the rain earlier, delicate white fabric pressed against pale skin. His hair still had a droplet on it here and there. How was he planning on walking home in rain that’s gotten even worse?

“Don’t you have someone who can pick you up?” Ryo probed, trying to squeeze as much information out of Sakuya as he could.

The blonde just shook his head, expression unreadable. Maybe Ryo pushed the wrong button, pressed on a still-open wound. Sakuya never really talked about anything about his life at home, never mentioned parents, or siblings, or even pets. Maybe he had a bad home life, maybe that’s why he always stayed out late, so he didn’t have to go home. 

Ryo carefully took Sakuya’s hand in his, only to almost pull back from the coldness of his skin. Not a normal cold either, but the kind of cold that lingered, like frozen chicken that had been left out to thaw.

Ryo’s eyes widened immediately. “Jesus, Sakuya.”

Sakuya, however, just stared at their joined hands silently, making Ryo suddenly become aware of what he was doing. 

“Oh. Uh.” He loosened his grip slightly. “Sorry, I just-”

“Warm,” Sakuya said quietly.

Ryo looked back up, but Sakuya still wasn't looking at him, eyes still fixed on their joined hands. Something about the expression on his face made Ryo's stomach twist. It wasn’t really happiness, wasn’t really discomfort, wasn’t disgust…

Recognition.

Yes, it was recognition. The same recognition Daeyoung had on his face when the answer to a problem he’d been stuck on finally clicked. Like he'd been searching for a reason that made sense.

Ryo laughed nervously. “Well, yeah. That's kinda how body heat works. I’m not exempt from the laws of thermodynamics, unlike you,”

Sakuya's fingers curled carefully around his, the movement hesitant. Like he was testing whether he was allowed to do it.

Ryo stopped breathing for a second.

“Sakuya…”

“You're always warm,” Sakuya murmured.

He’d heard this line many times. When the protagonist was stuck in the rain with his love interest in the manga he read, and they have to stay close for warmth; when the male and female lead were close in the cheesy k-dramas his mothers watched. Except…there was no flirtation in his voice, no teasing, just pure understanding. Which somehow felt infinitely more close.

Ryo became horribly aware of how close they were sitting.

“Ryo,” Sakuya started, voice soft.

“Y-Yeah?”

“Why do you take care of me?”

Ryo opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He didn’t know. Or maybe, deep down, he did, but he didn’t want to say it, too scared to speak it into reality. 

The rain around them felt more intense now, the pounding of droplets on the plastic above them growing impossibly louder, the shifting of gravel practically making its way under his skin. In front of him, Sakuya was barely visible, with that stupid glow he always seemed to have around him, like someone hit him with the 5% gaussian blur + soft light overlay combo. The streetlight didn’t do much to soften the gaze of his dark eyes, which seemed to be staring straight into Ryo’s soul now.

Ryo’s gaze fell on his lips.

Soft pink lips stained with the dye from the lollipop he had earlier, slightly parted, not even a little chapped despite the dry weather leading up to today.

“You’re looking at my lips like you expect something,”

Ryo didn’t know what to say to that.

“What are you expecting, Ryo?” Sakuya asked, moving a little closer.

Ryo could see him more clearly now, could count the long lashes that adorned his eyes, could feel his breath on him, could smell that sweet perfume he always seemed to be wearing, like that lily of the valley perfume his sister wore before important events.

“I don't…know..” Ryo let out, voice almost drowned out by the rain, barely loud enough to hear it himself. 

He didn’t know how it happened. He didn’t even know who leaned in first. All he knew was that he felt Sakuya’s lips against his, and suddenly all his worries seemed to disappear. The whole world was reduced to just Sakuya, and Sakuya alone.

It felt cold, if he was being honest. Sakuya’s lips were soft against his, but still cold. But it was alright, it wasn't anything he couldn't fix. He'd kiss Sakuya until he was warmed up everywhere, if his fairy blood could even do that, or until Ryo matched his coldness. He'd exchange his warmth for Sakuya’s cold any day; that way, Sakuya could warm him up instead. He could hold Ryo close and complain about how he should stop going out so late, about how he should eat more, about how he should never let Sakuya go so he'd always be warm.

It was Sakuya who pulled back and Ryo who chased his lips.

He felt like his heart was beating louder than the drumming of the rain. He brought a hand up to Sakuya's chest, ignoring how his stomach dropped when he felt nothing, nothing at all. Sakuya just placed a cold, soft hand on his cheek and pulled away properly, placing a little peck on his cheek instead.

The rain showed no signs of letting up.

“Do you want to stay the night at mine? Since it's closer,” Ryo asked, slightly out of breath just from how exhilarating that was. It's not like it was his first kiss, or even second - those would've gone to Kaori from middle school - but it wasn't like anything he'd felt before.

Sakuya just looked at him for a second or two before smiling.

And when Ryo’s mother warmly invited both of them in, fussing over Sakuya’s pink nose and ears, Ryo swore he never felt happier.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

He awoke to Sakuya next to him, squeezed in beside him in the futon; even though Ryo specifically remembers telling him to take the bed. So much for listening back then.

This is the first time he's seen him outside artificial light. Hell, at some point he felt like Sakuya was some sort of vampire creature that only existed at night. That would explain the paleness and the coldness of everything. 

But looking at him now, under the faint winter sunlight filtering in through his window? He looked a bit more alive. His lips were a lovely peach shade, his chest rose slightly with each breath he took, and he was pretty sure he had drool coming out the side of his mouth.

The more he stared, the more he wanted to kiss him.

So he does, placing a small kiss on his forehead.

That seemed sufficient enough to wake Sakuya up, his eyelids opening up like those creepy dolls with the movable eyelids and crusty eyelashes - not that Sakuya’s eyelashes were crusty, they were long and pretty and just the perfect length to graze against his cute cheeks and- The point is, Sakuya’s eyelashes weren’t crusty.

“Wanted to kiss me so bad you couldn’t wait for me to wake up?” Sakuya asked, voice a little raspy from the sleep.

“Don’t get too full of yourself, you’re just a little cuter than others,” Ryo scoffed, getting up properly, pushing the blanket off himself. 

“Cuter than Kaori?”

Ryo froze at the question, feeling like a breath was punched out of him. How did…

“How do you know about her?” He asked before he realised it.

“You told me before, silly,” Sakuya answered, taking the duvet from Ryo’s hands and beginning to fold it. “Your first- well, your only girlfriend. From middle school, yeah?”

Ryo just nodded. Did he tell Sakuya before? They’ve talked so much and about so many things that Ryo wasn’t sure. But then again, how would Sakuya know? Was he a mind reader? Did he hear Ryo think of Kaori when they kissed last night? That was impossible, Ryo must be losing his mind. There was no way Sakuya could be a mind reader, those don’t even exist. He was sure he told Sakuya sometime or the other. 

He was interrupted by his thoughts when he felt Sakuya’s face two inches away from his, a coy smile tugging at his lips.

“Well? Am I cuter than her?” 

Ryo didn’t trust his voice at this point, so he just nodded.

Sakuya leaned in slowly and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, making the ebony-haired’s eyes widen in shock.

“That’s for the correct answer,”

Ryo’s heart skipped a beat. 

This was bad.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

That Sunday, Sakuya was joining Ryo to hang out with Yushi and Daeyoung. 

It happened on a whim; Ryo was talking about something Sakuya did and Daeyoung suggested that he join them on their outing. And when Ryo asked Sakuya, he just thought about it for a minute or so before nodding. Maybe it would be good for Sakuya to talk to people other than him, though he felt a pang of jealousy in his chest when he thought about it a second too long.

He was relieved to find Sakuya dressed ‘normal’, more fitting the weather - a pink button-up shirt under a cream knit cardigan and paired with dark grey jeans. He changed his earrings too, the usual metal bows replaced with simple pink stone embedded silver studs. Maybe he really was excited for this, how cute.

“Yushi~!!” Ryo called out as the two of them made their way to their meet up spot, finding both Yushi and Daeyoung already there.

“Ryo!” Daeyoung piped up, his usual smile already on his face. He was like an oversized golden retriever. “You must be Sakuya?”

Sakuya nodded, letting out a cheery ‘it's nice to meet you, Ryo has told me a lot about both of you’. 

Ryo expected at least a little awkwardness after that.

Maybe forced small talk. Maybe Yushi gets distracted by his phone halfway through the conversation while Daeyoung desperately tries to keep everyone included. Something normal.

Instead, Sakuya slipped into the conversation so smoothly it almost annoyed him. Within minutes, Daeyoung was already laughing loud enough to turn heads, one hand clutching Sakuya’s shoulder dramatically.

“No, wait, wait- you’re telling me Ryo actually cried during that movie?”

“I was twelve,” Ryo whined, trying to protect his pride.

“That is still crying,” Sakuya replied mildly and the betrayal hit harder than expected.

“You’ve known him for, like, twenty minutes,” Ryo said. “Whose side are you even on?”

Sakuya tilted his head slightly, considering it with suspicious sincerity.

“Yours, probably.”

Probably.

Ryo hated how much warmth that one word put in his chest.

-

Yushi had them sitting in the mall cafeteria at 12:47 for lunch, way earlier than any of them had planned to eat. But maybe that was their fault for thinking that the ever-hungry cat in Yushi wouldn't change things a little. 

They decided to just get burgers and maybe dessert to share.

At some point during lunch, Sakuya reached over without looking and picked the tomatoes out of Ryo’s burger before he could complain about them. He'd never done that before, they'd never even shared a meal beyond convenient store candy before.

The table went quiet for half a second.

“…You do that for him too?” Yushi asked, a bit of sauce on the corner of his mouth (that Daeyoung gladly cleaned up, of course. If he had a tail, it would even be wagging right about now.)

Sakuya blinked. “Do what?”

“The weird married couple telepathy thing.”

“We are not married,” Ryo said immediately.

Sakuya hummed beside him, nudging the two slices of tomato onto Ryo’s napkin with unnecessary care.

“Shame.” He whispered, voice not quite loud enough to reach the duo sitting across them. Ryo nearly choked on his drink.

“Can I try your drink?” Sakuya asked instead, as if he didn't say anything just now, leaning towards Ryo as he looked straight into his eyes. How could Ryo ever say no?

“Y-Yeah, just leave some for Ryo too,” and Sakuya smiled. 

“You can have mine too,” swapping around their drinks, Sakuya's peach iced tea now in front of him instead of his coke. What an odd choice to have with fast food.

“Ohh, isn’t this basically an indirect kiss?” Daeyoung asked as he saw the exchange happening in front of him, and Yushi just nodded.

“Well, it's not like we haven-” 

“No, it's not! You do the same with Riku too, don't you?” Ryo started as he pinched Sakuya’s thigh under the seat. He did not need his friends finding out about the boy he kissed one too many times. Not because they'd judge him or whatever, all of them were basically too gay to function, but because they'd tease him to hell and back. Ugh, he could already picture Sion’s wide smile as he says ‘oh, our little Ryo-chan has managed to pull such a pretty doll?’ Ryo realizes halfway through another conversation that he hasn’t heard a single word anyone said because he’s still thinking about Sakuya’s mouth touching the straw.

He let the feeling sit in the back of his mouth, letting the taste sink right into where his circumvallate papillae were. Maybe the sweetness of the iced tea would wash it away, though he felt like he'd only find solace in the taste of Sakuya’s lips on his. Was this what they called an addiction?

But he wouldn't let it get to him.

They continued wandering about and Ryo only found himself slipping twice; once when they ended up window shopping at a jewellery store somehow and Sakuya stared a second too long at a pair of dangly crystal earrings shaped into a bow, the surface reflecting light so beautifully under the lights of the store, and Daeyoung said something off-handed about how they'd make Sakuya look even prettier, and when they were at a clothes store where the assistant was blatantly flirting with Sakuya, dropping slight comments about his handsome features and tall stature and sharp jaw and- god, just thinking about it has Ryo wanting to throw up.

-

It wasn’t long before they had to part ways, the soft orange glow of the setting sun illuminating everything and giving it a warm wash. 

“I hope you can join us next time too,” Daeyoung said to Sakuya, and in some ways Ryo thought their personalities aligned - they’re both funny, good with people (as Ryo found out today), and good at listening to orders. Though Sakuya wasn’t a puppy like him. He was something more…rare? Like a panda. A fairy panda that made a wish to become human.

“I hope so, I had fun today. I hope we can play football next time,” Sakuya replied, fired up on the topic ever since Yushi offhandedly mentioned something about having joint practice with a club from another school. Ryo liked this part of him too, something about the boy-ish charm made him even cuter - is this what they called gap moe?

“Yeah, prepare to lose,” Yushi replied, smiling wide. He always got oddly competitive over things like this. And things like Daeyoung, Ryo thought.

“You mean you’re gonna lose. I’ve never lost to Ryo,” Sakuya quipped back, making everyone but Ryo and himself burst out laughing.

“I’m sure even a middle schooler could beat Ryo,” Daeyoung said in between wheezing laughs, holding onto Yushi for support so he wouldn’t end up on the floor from how funny he found this situation to be.

“Shut up, you couldn’t beat me in basketball even if you trained for years,” came the reply from Ryo, his lips pressed together in a frown. 

“You? Basketball?” Sakuya asked, head tilted to the side in what Ryo now knows to be classic Sakuya fashion.

“Yeah, wanna play tomorrow?” 

“Where?”

“There’s a court near the park..? Did you never notice?”

Sakuya takes a second too long to answer.

“I don’t really look around a lot whenever I come over,” he says, looking away.

“You’re kinda like a robot,” Yushi commented, his head now resting on Daeyoung’s shoulder. “Hmm, maybe not a robot..a bunny?”

“Everyone’s a bunny to you because Sion is a bunny to you,” Daeyoung answers instead, lips slightly drawn together in a barely noticeable pout. 

“Whatever, let’s just get going, yeah? I have important things to do,” Ryo said, checking the time on his phone.

“Yes yes, you can go to your Doyoungie now,” Yushi said, conveniently ignoring how he’d do the same if it was EXO’s Kai instead.

 - 

When they got to where they met up in the morning. Ryo felt hesitant to say goodbye.

“Sakuya,” He called out the moment the blonde turned to leave. “W-Wanna head back to my place?”

Sakuya just turned back and smiled.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

It had become routine now.

If they weren’t together at the park, they’d be in Ryo’s room. Sakuya would occasionally bring over pastries - much to Mrs. Hirose’s delight - and they’d spend hours together. Sakuya even had his own toothbrush beside Ryo’s own in his bathroom. Mostly their time together in Ryo’s room would consist of Ryo studying and Sakuya doing his own thing, or both of them studying together. Even if Ryo didn’t even know which school Sakuya went to, since he never talked about it. 

What time wasn’t spent on studying, however, was spent less than an inch apart. They’d talk until Ryo’s tongue felt like it would fall off, or until Sakuya started dozing off. They’d kiss too, at least once a day - it was like Ryo’s daily multivitamin. Something about it felt the same as the symptoms listed in his book, right under stimulants. A potent stimulating action on his nervous system, producing a sense of euphoria and increased energy; it was just like his textbook said. He hadn’t yet experienced any hallucinations, but that was only when they’re consumed in excess, so maybe he just needed to kiss Sakuya more and more. Ryo couldn’t even count how many times his mother or father or whoever else had almost walked in on them being not even a breath apart, thank god for knocking.

“Did you know,” Ryo began, closing his laptop and putting aside his mechanical pencil. He made his way onto his bed, where Sakuya currently lay, a classic literature book open in front of him. “If you consume too much of a stimulant, it can cause hallucinations?”

“What’s that got to do with me, Dr. Hirose?” Sakuya asked, closing the book and flipping onto his back to get a better look at Ryo. He always did like looking at Ryo with his glasses on - the first time he wore them around him, Sakuya genuinely stared at him for 10 minutes straight, and looked like you’d just told him that someone robbed his house when he joked that they were just blue ray glasses. 

“I have a theory I’d like to test out,”

“What’s your purpose? Your phenomenon?”

“My purpose is to figure out whether or not your kisses count as stimulants, and my phenomenon is that I’ll start to hallucinate if I kiss you too much,” Ryo explained, a calculating smile on his face, as if he actually believed the words coming out of his mouth.

Sakuya’s eyes widened before he started laughing.

“If you wanted to kiss me, you could just ask,” He said between laughs. “You don’t need to come up with a whole theory for it”

Ryo frowned.

“I’m being serious, it seriously feels so weird when I kiss you,” He said, crossing his arms.

“Yeah, it’s called ‘love’,”

“I never felt it with Kaori,”

“Maybe you never loved her as much as you love me,”   

The words settled strangely in Ryo’s chest, not heavy enough to hurt, but also not light enough to ignore. Like swallowing something warm and feeling it sit somewhere behind his ribs, not quite reaching his stomach. Sakuya said things like that too casually sometimes, as if he didn’t understand that Ryo would spend the next week replaying them in his head like some sort of psychological torture method.

“How do you even say stuff like that with a straight face?” Ryo muttered.

Sakuya only blinked at him from where he lay against the pillows, hair fanned out messily over Ryo’s sheets. He looked comfortable here - too comfortable - like he belonged there naturally.

“Was I supposed to lie?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

Ryo clicked his tongue softly. Annoying. Sakuya always did this; answered questions too honestly and somehow left Ryo feeling like he was the strange one and not the guy who literally feels as cold as a cadaver.

The room had gone quiet again, save for the low hum of his ceiling fan turning. Sakuya’s sleeve brushed against Ryo’s wrist when he shifted slightly, and he looked at him carefully then.

“You’re overthinking it again,” he said lightly.

“Then let me test it.” Ryo insisted, moving to hold both of Sakuya’s wrists down, grip loose enough to let him break away if he wanted. Not that it mattered; Sakuya was stronger than him, whether or not he liked to admit it.

“You make kissing me sound like a science experiment.”

“It is a science experiment right now.”

“You’re insane. A total mad scientist.” Sakuya murmured as he felt Ryo’s grip get tighter. 

“You like me anyway.”

Sakuya huffed out a laugh at that, looking away for a moment. That should’ve been enough to brush the conversation aside again. And usually it was, since Ryo would get distracted halfway through one of his strange little rambles and move on.

“How many kisses do you think it’d take?” Ryo asked thoughtfully, eyes staring intently at Sakuya’s lips.

Sakuya blinked, tilting his head to the side. He stared at him quietly then. Ryo had gotten good at noticing those moments lately - the strange pauses Sakuya slipped into sometimes. Like there were conversations happening behind his eyes that Ryo wasn’t allowed to hear.

“For hallucinations.”

A laugh escaped Sakuya then, quiet and breathy. Cute.

“I’m serious.”

Sakuya snorted again, despite himself, but Ryo noticed the way his fingers tightened slightly around the edge of the book resting on his chest.

“I think,” Ryo continued, fully committed now, “that repeated exposure to Sakuya-related stimuli may have adverse neurological effects.”

“You sound ridiculous.”

“You’re avoiding the experiment.”

“I’m avoiding you.”

“That’s impossible. You’re literally in my bed.”

For a moment, Sakuya said nothing. The room felt strangely warm, despite the weather of October. The white of his ceiling lights bloomed across the sheets, catching silver in Sakuya’s earrings. Ryo watched him swallow once before finally speaking.

“…And what exactly does this experiment involve, Dr. Hirose?”

“Kissing you until I hallucinate.” Ryo grinned immediately, victorious. He knew Sakuya could never say no to him.

“That’s not how experiments work,”

“You don’t know that. I’ve never seen you at school.”

The joke slipped out easily. Too easily, like he was just joking around with Sion after classes, the whole group laughing along to some stupid inside joke that had been dragged out for a week too long.

Sakuya froze. It only lasted a second, barely anything, but Ryo felt it. A strange pause entering the room like static.

Then he smiled again, small and controlled.

“Maybe I’m not real,” he said jokingly, forcing a wrist out of Ryo’s grasp to bring it to his cheek, letting out a breathy laugh as Ryo leaned into the cold on instinct. “Have you ever seen me look normal? Feel normal?”

Ryo rolled his eyes immediately. “See? This is exactly what I mean. You say weird things constantly and somehow I’m still the crazy one.”

The tension broke just enough for Sakuya to exhale quietly through his nose, lowering his hand from his face before intertwining their hands.

“You can test out your theory then,” He said, finally fully giving in to the idea. “If you start hallucinating then it’s not my fault though.”

Ryo just pressed their lips together, shoulders relaxing at the relief flooding him. He’d be fine seeing the hat man or whatever if it meant that he could kiss Sakuya more, chase the euphoria more. Maybe his theory really did have a solid basis.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

It had been 3 days since Ryo had met Sakuya.

He had exams coming up in 2 days, and he really needed to fully concentrate on his studies. He didn’t have time to test out theories about how kissing Sakuya felt like a drug when the chromosomal theory of inheritance was staring right at him from his notes.

So here he was, books open to thermodynamics questions as his pencil worked on a question about spontaneous reactions, earphones playing NCT Dream’s Poison at a barely audible volume. He’d been at it for three hours straight now, and his head was hurting so bad he swore it would explode soon. He felt irritable, almost ready to bash his head into the wall when he noticed he got a question wrong because he made a stupid mistake that he could’ve easily avoided if he wasn’t drowning in his feelings - his unusual feelings that had his stomach churning. 

He looked out the window, staring at the streetlight that glowed 6 floors below. 

Ryo didn’t know how he ended up on the way to the park again, but here he was, in the cold in just a short sleeve shirt and sweatpants. When he made it to the park, he saw what he’d been looking for, what he’d been craving, just to stop in his tracks.

His eyes automatically searched for the swings, where the streetlight usually shined the brightest, but it was replaced by a dull illumination. The light flickered weakly before giving up entirely, darkness now properly enveloping the swing set. 

And there sat Sakuya, slowly swaying. The chains creaked softly, forwards and back, except he couldn’t really see Sakuya move - his legs were still and his hands were perched in his lap, body completely still as the swing carried him in a slow rhythm anyway. His light hair drifted slowly, catching what little moonlight slipped through the trees above.

Ryo stared a second too long, the park suddenly feeling colder than normal. Maybe that was his fault though, for running out of his house in his sleepwear. 

“Sakuya?” He called out, voice betraying him with its softness, but he got no reply. The swing continued its gentle arc, and that’s when Ryo realised that Sakuya was humming. A song, something that felt so familiar and-

The coldly seeping poison

Let it in my system

It paralyzes me like it's soothing

Something in Ryo’s chest tightened, and he called out to him again. This time the humming stopped immediately, Sakuya turning towards him all at once, not really startled, but like he’d known Ryo was there the entire time.

“You’re late,” he said, voice soft.

“Sorry,” Ryo answered immediately, even though he wasn’t late; they never even agreed on a time. They weren’t even supposed to meet up today.

Ryo’s eyes dropped to the dirt underneath, eyes landing on the child-sized footprints strewn about - obviously, it was a park - but none that matched Sakuya’s foot size. 

“How long have you been here?”

Sakuya just blinked.

“I don’t know,”

“That’s kinda creepy,” Ryo said as he found himself laughing under his breath.

“That’s mean, I didn’t even mean to be,” Sakuya said with a smile, but there was an undertone of apologeticness that made guilt hit Ryo immediately.

Sakuya looked away then, gaze drifting up towards the dead streetlight. 

“Ah, it turned off,” he murmured as if he just noticed it.

“The light?”

“Yeah”

Ryo decided to follow his gaze, watching the light above them sit dark and lifeless, the metal faintly reflecting the silver of the moonlight.

“It’s probably broken,”

Sakuya hummed quietly at that and the silence stretched. Ryo finally remembered how to move, his shoe crossing the curb, the crunching of gravel resounding and-

The streetlight flickered back to life, drowning them in violently bright light in one nauseating instance.

Sakuya’s swing stopped moving suddenly, like someone had pressed pause. For a moment, neither of them spoke.

Under the light, Sakuya looked washed out; too pale, skin almost translucent, veins blue underneath the surface. His eyes reflected wrong too, like a porcelain doll, but maybe Ryo was just seeing things, too tired from studying too much.

But Sakuya smiled softly and the twisting feeling in Ryo’s guts loosened instantly.

“I’m glad you’re here, I was starting to get worried,” Sakuya said, patting the swing next to him with a bright smile before his expression turned into one of worry. “You’ve not been sleeping well, have you?”

“Is it that obvious?” Ryo sighed in reply and sat on the swing beside him. 

“Of course, your eye bags are heavy enough to make me tired,” Sakuya replied, stretching out his legs to start moving the swing, manually this time.

“Give me some of your energy then, since you never seem to get tired,” Ryo quipped back, feeling his heart get lighter and lighter as he stuck out his hand and made a ‘gimme’ motion. And Sakuya did exactly that, placing his cold hand on Ryo’s warm one like a puppy giving a paw to its owner. 

He wasn’t sure if he was the owner in this case though, with the way Sakuya had him wrapped around his fingers. Most of his thoughts lately seemed to revolve around him, and it'd even messed with his studies - he'd definitely written △Sₐₖᵤᵧₐ instead of △Sᵤₙᵢᵥₑᵣₛₑ more than once. It was like life felt a little slower without him, a little duller.

So when the cold from his hand disappeared and found home on his cheek instead, he felt a sense of relief flooding through him. His body that seemed to be shivering a little from the cold air only a few moments now seemed to burn too hot.

“I feel like you have a fever,” Sakuya said instead, voice as steady as usual. 

“And Ryo feels like you have hypothermia,” Ryo replied instead, placing his hand on top of Sakuya’s, sandwiching the cold.

“Why so?”

“‘Cause people with hypothermia have cold extremities, to focus warmth on important things, like your heart,” The raven-haired explained, switching back to top student mode. “You’re always here, in the cold…I wouldn't be shocked.”

“How would you know if my heart was warm?” Sakuya asked, scrunching his nose. How cute.

Ryo thought about it. Technically, he was right. He didn’t know if Sakuya was warm everywhere else, he'd only really touched his hands and face; maybe a knee once or twice. His pulse was also pretty slow, and he seemed confused over normal things sometimes…But it was also a stupid assumption. Sakuya was always cold, even if he had spent 8 hours sleeping beside Ryo, wrapped in his warmest blanket. You can’t really excuse that as hypothermia. 

“Do you want to find out, Ryo?” Sakuya asked, making Ryo focus back on him and less on his assumptions. 

“Huh?”

“Do you wanna know if my heart is cold or not?” 

“What do you mea-”

Before Ryo could finish his sentence, he saw Sakuya slowly bring his hands to the buttons of his shirt - a soft peach with checks on it - and worked them open, one by one. 

Ryo felt his face start to heat up at the action, but then the twisting feeling in his stomach started up again. The fourth button opened to reveal the start of a slit, the fifth and sixth opening up to what was essentially a ravine set into his chest. A beating heart revealed itself, everything a sparkly shade of pink, glittering under the now working street light as blood circulated and bones moved and-

“It’s cold so hurry up,”

Ryo felt nauseous. 

He always knew something was off about Sakuya, but he tried to ignore it obviously. He liked Sakuya a little too much for a little weirdness to put him off. Life felt better with Sakuya around - he'd listen to all his thoughts and worries and kiss them away afterwards. He could ignore the cold of his lips and his gaze, but this? A gaping hole in his chest that opened up straight to his beating heart circulating glitter glue? How was he supposed to justify that? How was he supposed to look at Sakuya normally when-

“Ryo..Ryo..!”

He snapped out of his thoughts.

The Sakuya in front of him looked worried, eyebrows upturned and lips pursed together. His shirt was still buttoned, every button neatly done up in Sakuya fashion.

“What just happened?” He asked, voice shaking a little. His ears wouldn’t stop ringing.

“How am I supposed to know? You just randomly started to doze off after diagnosing me with some illness,” 

Ryo’s nausea worsened somehow. He was thinking too much. 

“You really do need to sleep mo-” “Kiss me,”

Sakuya looked taken aback, eyes widening.

“Kiss me, please,” he repeated, but the blonde seemed to make no move and it was just getting on his nerves more and more with every second he stayed still.

Before he knew it, his hands found themselves fisted in Sakuya's shirt as he pulled him closer, pressing their lips together. Instant relief flooded his body, all the tension leaving his body as he felt Sakuya’s lips against his. This was exactly what he wanted - the relief, the euphoria, everything in his mind disappearing with a poof.

Sakuya gently pushed him off.

“Ryo, you seriously need to sleep more. It's really messing with your head,” Sakuya said, but it just pissed Ryo off more.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he simply gritted out as he stole another kiss, then another, and another. A glance up at Sakuya’s concerned face had him pulling back, however.  “I'm sorry, just really tired. You just always make me feel better…”

Sakuya relaxed at that.

“My parents are going to visit relatives for a week,” Ryo started, a little hesitant to bring this topic up so suddenly. “And I was wondering if you wanted to…stay with me?”

“Won't your parents mind?” Sakuya asked, all the worry in him gone without a trace. Just normal Sakuya again - it was scary how quickly he could switch.  “Leaving two teenaged boys alone for a week sounds like trouble, yeah?”

“My mum's convinced that you can do no wrong,” Ryo answered as he let out a breathy laugh. “She suggested it in the first place.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. She's worried I'll get scared if I'm on my own,”

“What’s scarier than me?” Sakuya joked, smiling that stupid proud smile of his.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ryo rolled his eyes, even though he laughed along. “So are you in or not?”

Sakuya just nodded and the both of them began their lengthy - but definitely important - conversation about what all they'd do. Ryo could handle the cooking, he wasn’t sure if he trusted Sakuya in the kitchen just yet, while Sakuya did the dishes after. They could even invite some of Ryo’s friends over to have a big sleepover the day after his last exam ended.

Ryo couldn't wait.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

It had been almost a week since the park incident, and Ryo had been consistently having nightmares, every one about the same thing - Sakuya’s heart.

One was where Ryo was studying, just human physiology. He starts with circulation, but everything was about Sakuya - the diagrams, the measurements, everything. Every page he flips is filled with glittery pink diagrams of cross sections. Sakuya called out to him, voice seemingly coming from everywhere at the same time, only to then feel his hands wrap around him from behind. Sakuya told him that he was overworking himself, but his voice came from the wrong direction. Then he blinked and he was on his bed, Sakuya in front of him now. He tries to argue that he needed to study, but Sakuya only mentions that he’s studying him. That Ryo knew more about him than he did about himself. Ryo disagreed only to find Sakuya point at his chest, looking down only to see a hole in his chest, similar to the one on Sakuya, the same pink spilling out. Then he woke up sweating.

The next dream made him feel different - a mixture of shame at the content and disgust at himself. It was the first day of their week-long sleepover.. 

They were in Ryo’s room, on his bed. Sakuya was on top of him, practically caging him in as they kissed. Ryo kept wanting more and more and the next thing he knew, he felt something cold soak into the white of his t-shirt - just a few drops, but he still felt the need to open his eyes and really see. Sakuya’s shirt was open, pink blood slowly falling drop by drop. ‘You can touch if you want to’ was what Sakuya told him, a blush on his face - even though Ryo had never seen him blush - and Ryo did; he reached out a hand inside the crevice, carefully wrapping it around his heart. He could barely hear Sakuya gasp above him as he was entranced by the feeling of the cold blood gliding down between his fingers, all the way to his elbow, before soaking into the sheets. He woke up not sure whether to feel ashamed or horrified, but couldn’t find it in him to look Sakuya in the eyes.

The dream he had today was the worst of them all.

He didn’t know how it happened, everything was so fuzzy until that point. One moment he was cooking, and then the next moment, he was driving a knife into Sakuya’s chest, the cold metal sinking into the hollow of his chest. He felt nauseous. He tries to run, but the door opens into the park. Sakuya’s there again, on the swing, facing him while his chest bleeds and bleeds and bleeds. ‘You’re late’. Ryo turns to run again, but Sakuya’s there too, but now his smile was too wide. The sound of swings creaking started from every direction, and he could hear Sakuya saying something but couldn’t make sense of it. The cavity in his chest seemed to be widening, the slit running down past the waistline of his pants and somehow Ryo finds himself missing the pink of his hallucinations because now everything is just so dark and Sakuya’s getting closer and closer and- ‘You’ll stay with me forever like this,’

Everything felt wrong when he woke up - his room felt unfamiliar even though he’d been living in it his whole life, he still felt cold everywhere despite the heater running, and he could still faintly hear the swings creaking faintly. The space beside him was empty. He needed to throw up.

“Ryo? Are you okay?” Sakuya’s voice asked as he finally made his way out of his room after throwing his guts up and brushing his teeth. “I heard you vomit…”

The sunlight filtered in through the windows, landing on Sakuya. He was dressed really cute, just a fluffy pajama set, but it made him look so soft and warm. His hair was all messy, and his face was exactly like those paintings of goddesses back in the day - soft in a way that was almost deceptive of their strength. The light cast a halo around him and, god, he really did look like an angel, didn’t he? Was he an angel sent to protect Ryo from the horrors of his own mind? Surely that was it. He couldn’t wait till he had a job; he’d buy a nice apartment somewhere convenient, not in the middle of the hustle of the city, but not in the mountains either, and they’d live together - hopefully married by then, if the laws changed. He’d be the best husband ever. Sakuya wouldn’t ever need to lift a finger, he’d manage the finances and house work all by himself if need be. 

“You’re so pretty right now,” He said instead. 

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Sakuya huffs, a slight scowl on his face.

“I’m fine, don’t worry~” Ryo chirps, wrapping his arms tightly around Sakuya and trying to fling him around before the smell of something sweet hits his nose. “Did you make breakfast?” 

“Yeah, french toast,” Sakuya answers as he pries Ryo’s hands off him and walks back to the counter.

“All you know how to make is french toast,”

“And all you know how to make is pasta,”

Ryo just hums as he follows him, wrapping his arms around Sakuya’s waist again and peppering his cheeks with kisses, much to his dismay. “I make the best pasta don’t I? Makes you wanna marry me, doesn’t it?”

“Ugh, so full of yourself over pasta of all things,” Sakuya grumbles, now flipping the piece of toast. 

They had breakfast together, the sweetness of the french toast - which Sakuya added chocolate to, for some reason - matched the tone of their conversation. Everything felt so nice, and Ryo barely found himself thinking back to the nightmare.

He didn’t want to leave Sakuya that day, but it was a Thursday so he had school to go to. Just thinking about Sakuya home alone without him made his heart hurt, but it had to be done. 

At least he got a kiss goodbye.  

-

Ryo was dead tired when he got back.

He blanked out in the middle of his test, completely forgetting a complete answer to a question he revised just two hours ago. Then he'd dropped the sandwich he bought for lunch. And to top it all off, he got scolded by his teacher when he answered a problem wrong.

He had to basically drag himself from the lift to the front door, pressing the door bell with a heavy hand. Surely the sight of Sakuya would make everything better. 

The door opened to reveal his angel, smiling brightly but quickly dropping it when he noticed how tired Ryo looked.

“W-Welcome home..~” He said, moving out of the way so Ryo could finally walk in. 

“Yeah, I'm home,”

“Tired? Do you want a snack? I think there's still a pastry left, the black forest cake?” 

“It’s fine, we'll share it after dinner,” Ryo said, already thinking of what to order since he had absolutely zero patience to do anything. “Kinda just wanna be alone for a while,”

And what was Sakuya if not considerate? He hadn’t really even talked to Ryo in the past 3 hours, just letting him stare at the random movie playing on the TV, dissociating. 

He wasn’t even sure what was playing on screen, whether or not he was even watching the same movie as when he started, when Sakuya slowly shuffled into his vision. He met his eyes and that seemed to be permission enough for Sakuya. He threw a knee on either side of Ryo’s thighs, bracketing them in.

“Can I get a kiss?”

Ryo leans up to press their mouths together, feeling Sakuya’s soft lips against his chapped ones, before pulling back with a small smile on his face.

Sakuya seemed happier too, bringing both hands up to cup Ryo’s face.

“You'll love me forever, right?” He asks, and it hits Ryo like a punch to the gut.

‘You'll stay with me forever like this’

The Sakuya in front of him seemed to distort, his soft smile suddenly stretching too wide at the edges. Ryo just squeezed his eyes shut, pushing Sakuya down onto the couch before messily crashing their lips together again. It was more desperate this time, like Ryo was pouring all his frustrations into it. He just wanted the relief that came with kissing Sakuya, the feeling of all his thoughts floating away. He wasn’t even sure when it happened, he had Sakuya’s bottom lip between his teeth and-

A cold, almost floral taste crept into his mouth, making his nausea worse by tenfold.

He pulled back to see Sakuya’s lips bleeding, the same glittery pink he'd seen the first time they met; the same glittery pink in his nightmares. 

“God, why can't you just be normal!?” It made its way out of Ryo’s mouth without a second of hesitation.

Sakuya looked genuinely taken back, eyes wide in fear. That pissed Ryo off even more. As if Sakuya knew anything about fear.

“I've been acting like a fool trying to pretend like nothing's wrong,” Ryo began as he grabbed Sakuya by his shirt, eyebrows furrowed. “Like you don't feel like a dead person every time I touch you, like you aren't something entirely wrong,”

Sakuya couldn’t even get a word in before Ryo started again.

“Your cold hands, your lifeless gaze, the way you just appear out of seemingly nowhere, I ignored everything because I felt so relieved every time you kissed me,” He continued, vision blurry with what he could assume were tears. 

Sakuya looked away now, in the same way he did whenever Ryo had caught him in a lie.

“You knew didn't you?” He asked, letting out a breathy laugh and he let go of Sakuya's shirt, watching him flop onto the couch as he sat up to run a hand through his hair. 

“I-I didn't mean-"

“What are you?” 

That shut Sakuya up immediately. 

“Tell me, what are you?” Ryo repeated, as if Sakuya hadn't heard him the first time. “What kind of creature would scare me to tears but still have me coming back for more?” 

“I'm not anything weird, i promise-”

“You bleed pink.”

Sakuya sat in silence, shirt dipping low enough to show the smooth expanse of his upper chest. No signs of any gaping hole. Ryo felt even worse.

“Just…Just go,” Ryo told him, burying his face in his hands. 

“Are you leaving me..?”

“Don’t make me say it twice, Sakuya,”

Ryo didn’t know how long he sat like that. He heard the door click open and the chime of the automatic lock doing its job. He just kept on crying, tears automatically flowing out of his eyes at the thought of anything. He hated everything. He hated Sakuya for being so nice, he hated his teacher for shouting at him, he hated his neighbours for thinking this was the type for impromptu drunk karaoke; most importantly, he hated himself for causing all this.

He shouted at Sakuya to get out after practically using him to feel better.

He accused Sakuya of horrible things.

He called Sakuya a creature.

The night stretched on and Ryo woke up on the couch, not wanting to move an inch of his body as another stream of tears made their way out of his eyes. He called and told his mother to inform his homeroom teacher that he wouldn't be attending classes today, that he was too sick to even move. That Sakuya had to leave because of a family emergency. 

He curled into himself. The space next to him felt too warm.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

The depression hit Ryo hard. 

He hasn’t been sleeping well, studying well, eating well - he’s lost two whole kilograms since the argument. He tried to power through it, he really did, but it feels like a part of his soul had been ripped out of his chest. Like something in him was missing.

It had been around a week since he’d last seen Sakuya. Sakuya hadn’t made any attempts to contact him, and Ryo couldn’t even find him anymore - not that he wanted to find him, he couldn’t bear the thought of looking at the face of the boy he loved so deeply and lost. God, he was such an idiot.

Days were bleak, including today. He woke up late, rushed to get ready, skipped breakfast against his mother’s wishes, and went to school. At school, he listened to classes for about 20 minutes before zoning out, not even sure what he was thinking about. Time spent with his friends was bleak too. Everything and anything was funny to him but nowadays he can only force himself to laugh along to jokes he wasn’t even sure he heard properly. 

“Wah your laugh’s changed, Ryo-chan!!” Riku would point out in the middle which just made everything worse because now he had to mask his feelings better. He didn’t deserve comfort, not after what he did and said to Sakuya. 

The gloom continued at home too. He learnt pretty early on how he couldn’t just bury himself in his studies until he felt better. He understood concepts in the moment, but he would blank the second he looked away to actually apply those concepts in questions. He couldn’t tell you how many times he’d watched the same lecture on carboxylic acid derivatives because everything just seemed like white noise. He couldn’t tell you what a H.V.Z reaction was if it hit him the face. 

And the nights, god the nights. He’d try to head to bed by midnight, but would inevitably stay up till 2, not even doing anything besides wallowing in his own sorrow. He’d never felt so pathetic, not even when he got a 75 on a test and cried into his mother’s lap for hours, not even when he was bedridden with the flu and couldn’t do anything.

Sometimes if he spent too long staring at the ceiling of his room, he could see Sakuya in his peripheral vision. Sometimes he’d be looking over at him with a soft smile, probably laughing at the miserable state Ryo was in, and the other times he’d be laying beside him, the way Ryo had gotten used to.

He couldn’t do it anymore, he needed something to break the cycle. 

He reached for his phone, opening Line and ignoring all the messages from his friends he’d been ignoring, and opening a contact he hadn’t texted since his first year of high school.

Kao-chan  ₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎

 Hello, Kaori

I’m sorry for the sudden text

 23:18 Are you awake?

Hello!! 

I’m awake

Also ‘Kaori’? What happened to Kao-chan? ww 23:21

I wasn’t sure if you would be alright 

with me calling you that anymore since we

 don’t really talk much these days so…

I absolutely don’t mind going back to Kao-chan though

23:22 Have you been well, Kao-chan?

Yup~ What about you, Hiro-kun? 23:23

There was that nickname. No one used it besides Kaori. They were on clean-up duty together when it happened - she said something about how it was awkward to call him Hirose-kun after all the time they spent together, so she decided on ‘Hiro-kun’. Ryo just smiled in response as he called her ‘Kao-chan’, slightly bitter that you couldn’t really come up with any nicknames for his first name. 

 Hiro-kun is such a nostalgic nickname www

I’m fine

23:25 Dying from the cold though

I get it~ 

I’ve switched to fleece-lined tights now

Good-bye to my cute stockings 

໒꒰՞ ܸ. .ܸ՞꒱ა  23:27

Ah the thing I wanted to ask about

23:30 Are you free this weekend?

Ryo’s heart thumped as he sent the message, not sure how she’d respond. God did he seem like a creep, asking his ex-girlfriend if she was free? It’s not like they ended on bad terms - quite the opposite actually - but was this too much?

Eh what what

I am but ehhhh

What is it? 23:31 

Do you wanna catch up maybe?

23:36 Zero ulterior motives by the way !!

I wasn’t really that worried about that ww

What brought this on? 23:37

I don’t know actually

Just missed you I guess?

That sounds wrong

I’ve been reminiscing a bit so

I wanted to reach out again

23:40 Feel free to say no if you want to

Hiro-kun missed me??

Such an honor lolol

I’m fine with it !! I missed you too

We used to talk all the time even before 

we started dating so yeah

Where do you wanna meet? 23:42

Ryo let out a sigh of relief, burying his face in his hands. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders. Maybe this is for the best, Kaori always did know how to cheer him up no matter what. Was he selfish for this?

That was a question for future him, Ryo decided. He just had two days to survive before a chance of everything getting even slightly better.

He dreamt of a thorn bush that night.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

Saturday came too quickly for Ryo’s comfort.

He stood in front of the train station, adjusting the bag across his body. He was nervous - too nervous for someone meeting their ex girlfriend. Hell, in the end he had to ask his sister to help him choose an outfit over video call. That’s how he ended up in a black turtle neck, grey hoodie, topped with a black denim jacket and loose black pants. ‘You’ll look so cute’ she said, and it wasn’t like he would ever doubt his lovely sister, but he felt so self-conscious. Was he too dressed up?

“Hiro-kun~~!” He heard a sweet voice call out and looked up from his phone immediately to see Kaori walking up to him. 

“Kao-chan! Hello!”

“I’m sorry, did I make you wait?” Kaori asked, trying to catch her breath.

“Nuh-uh, I just got here,” Ryo replied as he gave her a soft smile. 

“That’s good to hear…Let’s get going then?” Kaori asked. “I think I might turn into a block of ice if we stay out here any longer.”

They started walking then. It wasn’t a long walk, honestly, only five minutes according to Google maps. It wasn’t difficult to get back into their old rhythm, and before they know it, they’re in the middle of comfortable conversation, laughing and joking around.

The cafe was warm when they entered, offering solace from the biting cold outside. It was pretty empty for a Saturday, but that was probably because it was around 11 am and most people were probably still in bed (unlike Ryo who had been up from 6 am). They found a table near the window thanks to this and ordered - hot chocolate and shrimp aglio e olio. Dessert could be decided later.

“How have you been, Kao-chan?” Ryo asked, setting his phone down on the table.

“I’ve been good~ School is still killing me though,”

“Ah, are you still in touch with anyone from middle school?” The question came naturally. He hadn’t really been talking to anyone the way he used to. He still had everyone added on Insta, and they’d message each other for birthdays and the sort, but nothing like the long hours they’d be texting. 

“Mm, well, Nacchan is in the same school as me so we’re still good friends,” Kaori began, pursing her lips together as she thought about it. “I don’t think I talk much to the guys though,”

“Same, actually. I think you’re the only person I’m still in proper contact with,” which said a lot considering he texted her for more than five minutes the other day after almost two whole years. Was he a bad friend? 

“Ah, Kurosawa’s in my class,” She said before letting out a small laugh at Ryo’s confused expression. “Our class rep in third year? You know, the one who treated it like it was the military?”

“Ah the one who almost refused to let us do a maid cafe??”

“Yes yes! He’s mellowed out a lot now,” Kaori replied, leaning back in her chair.

“So glad we got to do the cafe though, basically a free ticket to high sales,” Ryo said with a proud smile on his face. 

“I think we would’ve gotten even more sales if you wore one too~” Kaori chirped, her expression very quickly becoming teasing, especially after Ryo groaned. “I think you would’ve definitely gotten a handful of fans after that.”

“I think you got yourself more than a handful of fans that day!” Ryo quipped back, doubling down when she shook her head no. “The prettiest girl in school wearing a maid outfit while she drew a cute rabbit on your omurice? I had to sleep with one eye open after that day so I didn’t get taken out in my sleep!”

“You’re exaggerating!” She said as she gave him a quick slap on the arm.

That started a whole lot of reminiscing - about their maths teacher that they hated, about old fashion phases, stories from their clubs. Ryo felt himself going back to when things were nice and peaceful. When he had a loving partner and the best grades in class and his sister was still home and he could get a proper night of sleep. 

“Have you finally decided on what you’re going to do in the future?” Kaori questioned, bringing Ryo back to reality. Right. His life was more serious now.

“Mm, a cardiologist…hopefully,” He replied, taking a sip of the drinks that had finally arrived. “You still like photography?”

“Mm, I do, but I don’t think I can really make much of a career out of it. I’m planning on going into fashion design,” She replied, and Ryo couldn’t help but think of the Kaori that went on and on about how she would become a photographer so she could eternalise people’s happiest moments. Well, people don’t remain fourteen forever so it wasn’t like he didn’t understand. He was someone who had his dream career remain the same since he was young, but he knew that not everyone had it the same as he did. Hell, his sister had a new dream job every few weeks.

“You’ve always had an eye for it so I’m sure it’ll go really well,”

“Hiro-kun too,” Kaori smiled, setting her cup down on the coaster. “Enough with the serious talk though! Are you seeing anyone right now?”

The question took Ryo off guard and he almost spit his drink out. He should’ve expected a question like this, Kaori’s always been more the romantic type.

“E-Eh..? Am I seeing someone..?”

“Yup, that’s exactly what I asked.”

Ryo didn’t know how to answer. Would Sakuya…Would Sakuya count as a partner? Sure, they couldn’t go long without each other and kissed like it was only natural but- but did that mean they were dating? They never put anything into words, always finding it easier when it was their lips pressed against each other’s instead of talking. Plus It wasn't like he didn’t like Sakuya. There was no place he’d rather be than by his side. Sure, they talked about a future in which they were married, but that could also be passed off as jokes.  

“Ah, you’re blushing!” Kaori said, snapping him out of his thoughts. “So who’s this lucky person?”

“Um, well…I don’t know if we’re explicitly going out per say…” He began, looking away as his ears turned more and more red.

“A situationship!? I never thought you’d be one to get into a situationship!” Kaori gasped, even bringing a hand up to her mouth.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ryo asked, even though he definitely didn’t want an answer to that. Kaori just apologised with a smile before asking him to continue. “Well, his name is Sakuya and…he’s the same age as us, a little weird, but he’s got a good heart. And he’s really cute, like a doll,”

“How did you guys meet?” She began, obviously invested now. “Who confessed first?”

“We met in the park and…we haven’t really confessed?”

“Eh? You aren’t dating?”

“Technically we aren’t, but it’s not like either of us would ever want anyone else,”

Kaori just looked at him like she wanted him to continue, but what else was he going to say? That he was some sort of a weird creature that had him under a spell?

“He…likes football..?”

“Good enough,” she said with a sigh, before changing the topic to something else entirely. 

Their food soon arrived, and now that they could sit down in peace, Ryo finally got a good look at Kaori. She hadn’t changed much - though she was definitely a few centimeters shorter than Ryo, unlike middle school where it was Ryo in her shoes - but definitely looked more…mature? But that is what biology does to you. Her hair that was still the same shade of dusty brown was in two braids. Her outfit was cute too - a pink coat over a white top, a polka dot skirt, leg warmers paired with white tights, and shoes that matched her skirt. Those are probably the fleece-lined tights she was talking about, Ryo thought.

He found his gaze focused on her face next. Her doe-like eyes, her long lashes, her full cheeks, and her pouty lips and the beauty mark under her eye and- It all looked so familiar, and not in the way that you feel when you see someone cherished after a long time. That’s when he felt something twist in his guts. She looked like Sakuya. The more Ryo looked, the more he began to see Sakuya. Was this all planned? Did Sakuya base himself on Kaori? Was this to ensure that he’d keep haunting him no matter what he did or who he was with? Did he know he’d meet Kaori again? That he’d reach out?

Ryo washed the bitterness in his mouth down with hot chocolate.

“What’s wrong, Hiro-kun?”

He bit his lip. He didn’t want to dump anything heavy on her, this was just supposed to be a fun hangout after a while. He wanted to say ‘it’s nothing, just thought I saw my jerk of a literature teacher’, but he knew Kaori would see through him; just like she always did.

“It’s nothing important, just something about Sakuya,” He ended up saying.

“Did you guys fight or something?”

“Well, it’s not like we fought..It was just me lashing out more like,” He said, feeling a pit form in his stomach. “I was really tired- Not that it’s an excuse! But everything felt like it was too much, but I made it worse but taking too from Sakuya…Then I remembered a nightmare I had that day and it basically put the final nail in the coffin and then I started shouting at him, and I really regret it now, but I said something really mean to him and,” he finally took a breath. “I’m scared he hates me now,”

“That’s…a lot, definitely. But it’s not that bad, I swear,” Kaori began, expression turning softer. “Fights are common for couples, or whatever you two are. Hell, didn’t we fight a few times? We turned out fine, didn’t we?”

Ryo thought about it and nodded slowly. 

“So why are you so worried now?”

Because I understood you, the voice in Ryo’s head said, because you’re actually someone comprehensible.

“I’m not saying that it’s silly to be worried, it’s completely normal…But just think about it, okay?”

Ryo just thanked her and did his best to change the topic back to something else, and thankfully she cooperated. 

They talked for a bit more before they had to part ways. Ryo felt a little sad to have her go, but it wasn’t like they couldn’t meet ever again. He just missed the comfort being around her brought.

–

Sleep came surprisingly easy that night - he found his eyes growing weary the moment his head hit the pillow - and, before he knew it, he found himself in dreamland.

He was taking a walk around the neighbourhood, and he ended up at the park again. He hadn’t dreamt of the park in so long. He sat on the swings, slowly moving back and forth, allowing himself to relax.

“Ryo,” He heard a familiar voice call out, and looked up to see Sakuya, standing right at the edge of the light from the overhead streetlight. 

“Ryo, I missed you,” he said, not taking a step forward. 

Ryo felt himself panic a little. It was Sakuya. His Sakuya wanted to see him again. He should be happy. But he found his feet stuck to the ground, shoes digging into the dirt below. 

Sakuya just called out to him again.

Ryo felt his ears ringing, just hearing Sakuya’s voice from every direction. His breathing fastened, and he felt sweat bead at his forehead despite the cold of November. 

He blinked, and Sakuya was in front of him.

“Ryo, I love you,” his shirt was unbuttoned, revealing pale, smooth skin. He took a hold of one of Ryo’s wrists, bringing his hand up to his chest. Ryo’s breath quickened, to the point that his head started to hurt. “Being around you makes my heart beat so quick,”

The moment Ryo’s fingers made contact with Sakuya’s chest, the skin underneath started to open up. Pink started to bead around his fingertips before the tension broke and it made its way down his fingers. The further Sakuya pushed his hand inside, the more blood poured out, staining the sleeves of Ryo’s hoodie. He seriously couldn’t breathe now. 

That’s when he felt his fingers wrap around something. One beat, two beats. Each one accompanied by a soft squelching sound. 

“Does it feel good inside me?” Sakuya said with a soft smile, eyes filled with something Ryo could not describe at the moment. “You can pull it out, Ryo. It’s yours to do whatever with. I’m yours to do whatever with.”

Nausea hit Ryo hard. He pulled his hand back before turning to the side to throw up whatever was in his stomach.

“That’s mean. I confessed to you so lovingly and you’re going to throw up?” Sakuya sounded mad now, like Ryo had thrown away a present he'd spent weeks making, and that just made Ryo’s heart beat even faster - if that was even possible. 

He felt cold hands grab at his face and turn it back to where it was before, making his gaze meet a dead gaze.

“Do you find me disgusting, Ryo?” He asked, and Ryo finally felt tears spill down the sides of his face, desperately shaking his head no. “Do you hate the thought of being with me? Of kissing me? Of doing more?”

Ryo just kept sobbing. He wanted this nightmare to end. He felt Sakuya’s gaze boring holes into him as he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

“Do you want us to be together forever, Ryo?” 

Ryo nodded.

He felt something pressing against his lips, the same comforting coldness he had grown to love, and opened his eyes to find something pink in his peripheral vision and Sakuya’s gaping chest empty, just a plain, sparkly cavity.

Sakuya’s other hand made its way under Ryo’s hoodie, resting right above his racing heart for a moment, before he felt his finger start to dig painfully into his chest.

“I’ll take your heart, okay? And you can take mine. Then we’ll be together forever,”

The pain from Sakuya’s fingers trying to dig out his heart was blinding. He hated this. He was scared.

He pushed Sakuya away in a desperate attempt to escape before starting to run as fast as his feet would carry him. His shoes slipped against the pavement and he nearly fell. He kept going anyway; past the park, the basketball court, his home - anything and everything that would remind him of Sakuya. He just kept running and running. Everything was dark, he only had the streetlights to guide his way, and even those didn’t seem to be enough. He was alone, all alone. 

Ryo didn’t know how much longer he ran for before he finally saw the silhouette of someone in the distance. His feet moved faster, aching from the strain now, and he swore he felt the weight of the world lift off his shoulders when he recognised the portrait and-

“K-Kaori..!”

She turned around when Ryo finally caught up to her. He grabbed her by the shoulders, head down as he heaved to try and regain oxygen. He wanted to cry again.

“K-Kao- Kaori, help, please-” He begged in between gasps. “P-Please- Sakuya, he-”

Kaori said nothing, just standing quietly above him. Ryo felt tears run down his face again as his knees gave out. He didn’t want to let go of her, however, clinging to her thighs. He couldn’t risk her disappearing, leaving him all alone in this world with Sakuya. His Sakuya.

“Please- I’m scared, I’m so scared-” He was audibly sobbing at this point, voice breaking every few words. 

“Why are you so scared?” He finally heard from above him.

“I don’t- I don’t understand him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He’s scary, I love him and it’s- it’s so scary-” 

“He’s just trying to love you the way he knows, Hiro-kun,”

Ryo just started crying harder because Kaori sounded so kind; so kind to someone who didn’t deserve even an ounce of it.

“It’s terrifying, I want to- to love him..to love him too- but it’s so damn terrifying..!” 

He felt Kaori’s hand slowly pat his hair as he continued sobbing, probably getting her tights wet and ruining them.

“I- I love him, Kaori- I love him, but it's so scary..”

“He loves you too, Ryo”

“He’s scary-”

Kaori’s hand stops and Ryo looks up, vision blurry because of the tears. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear up his sight. He saw her soft eyes and pouty lips and her..sharp jawline and straight nose and…

“K-Kaori?”

He blinked one more time just to see Sakuya in front of him, his cold hands once again gently reaching for his face.

“Why are you so afraid of me?” 

Ryo felt his arms go slack around his thighs, eventually falling to his side. Sakuya crouched down, smiling the same soft smile as always.

“I’ll learn how to love you better, I promise,”

Ryo wanted to say something, anything, but it was like his larynx could not get any air. 

“We have forever, just you and me,”

Ryo woke up screaming.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

Everything seemed to spiral further down after that, if that was even possible. He couldn’t even bring himself to go to school, or even leave his room. He was sure he was causing his parents more worry than he wanted to think about, but he just didn’t understand what was wrong with him. The first few days he at least thanked Daeyoung for sending over all the material he was missing, and he even did them, however now it’s just three days of work piling up on his desk.

Ryo couldn’t even bring himself to cry. He’d read about it for fun once - Anhedonia, a common symptom of depression. People with anhedonia feel like there’s an empty space where their emotions are meant to be. There was also melancholia, but he didn’t think his situation was that bad - he was too much of a coward to ever follow through with any plans if he even made them. 

It’d been over a week since he last went to school. It was 4 in the morning - he’d been getting up earlier than usual lately, not finding it in himself to sleep, even if that was the only time he felt at peace. He sat there in silence, thinking about how he ended up here. He had texts from friends he hadn’t read, and even Kaori checked up on him when he didn’t text back after two days.

Kaori is nice because she’s easy to understand. If she’s happy, she smiles. If she’s sad, she cries. If she’s angry, she pouts. But Sakuya? Every emotion he ‘felt’ led to one thing - making sure Ryo wasn’t affected in any way. He wasn’t selfish in the slightest which really threw him off - everyone is selfish at some point, whether it’s intended or not. But Sakuya seems to think that his sole purpose in life is Ryo and Ryo alone - which is really freaky. If Ryo yapped for too long, if Ryo kissed him too hard, if Ryo shouted at him - none of it was enough to affect Sakuya. 

And worst of all, he didn’t understand himself. If he felt so weirded out, so scared, why did he keep going back to him? Was this also part of Sakuya’s weird eldritch powers? Sure, he called Sakuya weird, but he was thee weird one, wasn’t he? Sakuya’s just behaving the way he was programmed to, but Ryo? This wasn’t anything like his usual behaviour. He was usually pretty rational, but nothing he’d been doing lately has been rational. He should’ve pulled back before he got himself hurt. Before he got Sakuya hurt. God, he was so selfish.

His gaze drifted around the room. His curtains were drawn the same way he’d left him before meeting Kaori. His dear Tonton was still beside him on the bed, looking up at him with the same look he always had on his face. Ryo turned him around. Next his eyes landed on his desk; the stack of papers, the empty tray from when he last ate (when was it again?), the mess of pens, and then the box cutter. He found himself staring at it a second too long, feeling like something was drawing him to it. He reached out and-

“What the hell am I doing..?”

Ryo’s fingers started to tremble as he shoved the box cutter underneath a stack of notes, like hiding it would somehow make the horrible feeling disappear. He immediately reached for his phone, hands shaking as his breath started to hitch. His chest hurt and he couldn’t breathe properly anymore. 

His parents were probably asleep. Yushi would panic. Daeyoung would panic and then make Yushi panic. Riku would cry. That only left one person.

He swiped on Sion’s contact without thinking too hard. The three rings it took before he picked up felt like they lasted forever. 

“Ryo, what’s up?” Sion’s sleepy voice came through the speaker. He must’ve woken him up and, god, Sion was probably so tired from school and club and-

“What’s wrong, Chichi?” 

“S-Sion- Sion I-” The words refused to come out, which finally prompted his brain to make him burst into tears. It was ugly, embarrassing, and it made his head hurt. 

“Ryo?” Sion sounded more awake now, and Ryo could hear sheets rustling. He was probably sitting up now.

“I don’t- hic, I don’t know what’s wrong with me..”

“Ryo,”

“I don’t know- I’m so stupid and selfish and such a horrible pers-”

“Ryo, stop crying,” Sion didn’t sound mad or tired, but his voice was firm enough to make Ryo listen. “Tell me what’s wrong, yeah?”

“I don’t know, everything is going terribly and,” Ryo swallowed, not sure how to put it into words. “I almost did something,”

“Did the ‘something’ include hurting yourself?”

Ryo stayed silent, but that seemed to be enough of an answer for Sion.

“It’s alright, baby. Let’s calm down first, okay?” Sion said, voice calm and steady.”You know the 4-7-8 rule, right?”

Ryo nodded even though no one could see. He inhaled, held, and exhaled.

“I did it,”

“One more time, okay?” 

And Ryo did it again.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“A bit, yeah,” 

“Do you think you can go get something to drink?” Sion asked, and Ryo thought about it for a second. He really didn’t want to risk waking his parents up in case he drops something. “Even water is fine,”

“I think I have a bottle of water somewhere,” Ryo replies, searching around his bed before finally feeling the cold plastic near the foot of the bed. He took a sip, the sensation of the crisp water making its way down his esophagus making him sigh in relief. 

“Now that’s a good boy~” Sion teased from the other side of the phone and Ryo could almost see his vexing smile through the black screen. 

“Stop treating me like a dog,”

“But you’re the cutest puppy I know!” Sion giggled before turning serious again. “Do you wanna talk about it now?”

“Mm, well, I kinda…fought with Saku,” Ryo says, voice quivering a little. “More than fight, it was actually one-sided. I just shouted at him, and we haven’t had any contact since because I told him to leave, and now I feel like the worst person on this planet,”

“Why’d you fight?” 

“I…I need you to take what I'm about to tell you seriously, okay?” Ryo said, hesitant. He hadn’t told anyone about Sakuya’s whole…situation yet, but surely Sion of all people would understand. 

“Of course, Ryo,”

“Sakuya isn't exactly..human. I don’t know what exactly it is, but he bleeds pink glitter glue and doesn't have an ounce of body heat,” Ryo begins to explain, trying to dwell on anything he was saying. “And well, we kissed, a lot, and his kisses always felt addicting. Not in like the love sick way, but like genuinely made me feel all floaty,”

“O…kay. Go on,”

“Then, I started having nightmares about him, genuinely creepy stuff..His chest opening up, everything that made him unnatural, and it got to me and I snapped and called him a creature and asked why he couldn’t be normal and- I was being the biggest jerk ever,”

Ryo was crying again at this point, silently wiping at the tears running down his cheeks with his sleeves. 

“So what are you planning on doing about it?”

That snapped Ryo out of it.

“H-Huh? What do you mean?”

“I mean it's understandable to see why you'd be upset, Sakuya seemed to mean a lot to you,” Sion started. “But you can't not do anything about it, right?”

“I guess, but what do I even do?”

“Well, what do you usually do after a fight?”

“I apologise…?” Ryo answered, as if he wasn’t sure. 

“That’s my Hirose Ryo! Apologise to him first and then see where it goes from there,”

“What if he doesn’t accept it..?”

“Then it just wasn't meant to be. He doesn't owe you forgiveness, but he definitely loves you enough to forgive you,”

Ryo scoffed at that.

“As if you know that for sure,”

“When you shouted at him, did he ever say anything back?” Sion questioned.

“He…asked me not to leave him..”

“So stop putting words in his mouth,” Sion said firmly. “It’s best to not jump to conclusions,”

“But what if he does hate me?” Ryo argued back, a little annoyed now.

“Then he hates you.” He said so simply, like he was talking about the weather.

“You’re so mean sometimes,” Ryo muttered, just soft enough for Sion to hear, making silence between them for a while.

“Ryo,” Sion sounded more gentle now. It made Ryo smile a little. “Do you think someone who hates you would beg you to not leave?”

“But he sounded so scared…and I still told him to leave. I don’t even know if he has anywhere to go back to,” 

“Mm,”

“He always listens to me,”

There was a moment of silence.

“That’s a little stupid,” Sion says and it's so sudden that Ryo actually lets out a small chuckle. “No, seriously. If someone said that to me, I'd at least try to argue a little,”

“Well, he isn't really like you, he…oh my god, what if something truly is wrong with him?”

“Then something’s wrong with him. It's not a big deal,” came Sion’s reply, again like he was talking about something mundane like strawberry jam on toast. 

“What do you mean not a big deal?” Ryo asked, exasperated. Could Sion really not see anything wrong with this situation?

“All I hear is that your boyfriend's a little weird,”

“He's not my-”

“Boyfriend, situationship, soulmate, kamoshi, it doesn't matter.”

Ryo giggled at that again.

“Him being weird is not the problem now, is it? It's the fact that you think so much about him being different,” Sion said, hitting the nail on the head. Count on him to always say things as they are. 

“You try not thinking about how the person you're in love with seemingly doesn't have a life outside you,”

“But you still love him, don't you?” 

“I do, but…”

“You still want him back, don't you?” 

“Yeah, but-”

“Then think about how you're gonna get him back. Even if you don't act on it right away, just thinking about it is a step in the right direction.”

Ryo just hummed in response. 

“I'm sorry for waking you up,”

“I'm glad you woke me up, baby. Feel free to call me whenever, okay? No matter the time?” Sion’s voice sounded genuinely soft now. “We always look out for each other, yeah?”

And, just like that, Ryo burst into tears again.

“I love you, I'm sorry for being this way,” He said through choked sobs. “For crying so much. For calling you. For being so pathetic.”

“If you weren't like this, you wouldn't be Hirose Ryo,” Sion said, voice quiet as sleep probably called to him. “You overthink and cry and love too hard. That's normal,”

Ryo froze.

“I love you because you're this way,”

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

The days that followed weren’t that different from before.

Ryo got proper sleep the day he talked to Sion, but his sleep cycle returned to 4 hours with depression naps scattered throughout the day. His appetite wasn't any better either; he felt even worse whenever he thought about the untouched tray of food outside the door to his room - the food his mother prepared so lovingly. 

And worst of all, he still missed Sakuya so badly it hurt physically just thinking of him. He wished that he dreamt of him again - even if it's something terrifying. At this point he'd gladly exchange their hearts. He'd give all his warmth to Sakuya if it meant they'd be together again. 

He kept thinking about his conversation with Sion. If you want him back, you need to take it into your hands, said some distant voice in his head, only to have ten other voices counter it.

He unlocked his phone. 1000+ texts in their gc, 6 texts from Riku, 5 from Daeyoung, 3 each from Sion and Yushi. God it all looked so daunting. He scrolled down a bit to see Kaori's icon with a small ‘2’ beside it. Well, it was better than 3 messages.

He clicked on it.

Kao-chan  ₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎

—-------- 2 new messages —-----

Hiro-kun, that was so much 

fun~!! Let's hang out some other

time again 18:06

—------------ 202×年11月1×日 —-----------

Is everything okay? 22:17

—------------ 202×年11月2×日 —----------

Hello, I'm sorry

I wasn’t feeling well 

 00:29 ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა 

He threw his phone on the other side of the bed and closed his eyes. At least that was over.

He spent the rest of the day doomscrolling and rotting in bed.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

Eventually, even staying home became exhausting.

The silence in his room had started to feel too loud. Every time his mother peeked inside, she looked just a little more worried than before. His father had begun coming home early whenever he could. 

So, after nearly two weeks in his room, Ryo returned to school. Not because he was feeling better or because he'd found some sort of motivation, he was simply just tired of being miserable in the same damn room every day.

His mother was overjoyed when he told her, so happy that Ryo began to cry. 

So here he was on a Saturday morning, freshly showered, sitting at the breakfast table while his mother gently brushed his hair, even though it was nowhere long enough to require such thorough maintenance. He wasn’t eating anything, just staring at his hands.

When Ryo got to school, his friends were ecstatic as well - he was pretty sure Daeyoung shed a tear or two - but they tried to not make a big deal out of it so as to not overwhelm him. 

It was so tiring. Too many people asked about where he went, whether he was sick, whether he was better now. What happened to the art of minding your own business? Ryo was glad he chose a Saturday to go back, so that he'd have Sunday to recharge.

That Sunday he finished a quarter of the stack of assignments on his desk. It wasn’t a lot, but it was something - and something is everything to him right now.

The following days continued the cycle of exhaustion. He'd be happy enough around the others, but it was like he left all those feelings under his desk and came home feeling empty as usual. He was sure the others noticed, he didn't smile as much, didn't react in time, didn't even mention NCT every hour.

“You know, your laugh still sounds fake,” Yushi told him, nibbling on imokempi.

“Can you just go back to focusing on your food?” Ryo asked as he rolled his eyes. He hated conversations about this.

“At least let me finish,” Yushi replied, giving him a soft punch on the shoulder, like a cat getting offended that you told it to shush. “It still sounds fake, but it's better than not hearing it at all,”

Ryo didn’t know what to say to that, so he just quietly placed a piece of karaage into Yushi’s lunch box and muttered a small ‘is that so?’

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

“Ryo-chan, do you have a sec?”

It was a few days after the incident with Yushi. The final bell just rang and everyone was beginning to pack up, chit-chatting with their friends as they prepared to either go home or go to their clubs. Jaehee had choir, Yushi had football, Sion had baseball, Riku had volleyball, and Ryo himself had astronomy - but, god, he really couldn’t be bothered with going. 

And apparently so did RIku, judging by how he was standing in front of him instead of being on his way to the gymnasium. 

“Mm, yeah, why?” Ryo inquired, looking up from his phone.

“Wanna do something fun?” Riku asked instead, smile widening as Ryo gave him a confused look. “You have the keys to the rooftop, right, astronomy club president?”

“And..?”

“Let’s play hooky,” Riku’s smile was bright, bright enough that Ryo couldn’t bring himself to say no.

That’s how they ended up here, feeling the cold breeze run through their hair. The sky was clear and the sun was out, but that didn’t mean much in November. 

“Why’d you bring me up here?” Ryo asked, closing the door behind them, and turning to face Riku.

“Does there need to be a reason?” Riku countered as he stretched, revelling in the breeze. “It’s just a lovely day,”

Ryo hummed in acknowledgement as he followed Riku, leaning on the railing beside him. 

“We’re such horrible club members, huh?” Riku started, staring down at the field, watching the football club start their runs.

“I’m sure this isn’t the worst thing. This rooftop’s seen way worse than two friends skipping club activities,” 

“I guess that’s true. This is way tamer than that time Sion and I-”

“Blah, blah, blah! I don’t wanna hear what you do with your boyfriend!!” Ryo shouted, putting his hands to his ears. “I’ll throw up if you continue!”

“Oh, stop it!” Riku laughed, prying his hands off his head, before his smile softened a little. “We’re not boyfriends, he doesn’t even like me that way,”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night,”

The conversation fell quiet at that point, and Riku started humming some song, closing his eyes as another gush of wind blew. Riku shivered, Ryo indulged.

“You know, I don’t think we’ll make it past prelims this year,” Riku suddenly spoke up, face a little solemn now. “I know it’s counterintuitive to say that while actively skipping practice, but it feels so weird to look at how hard everyone else is working when there’s a constant voice in my head telling me about how it’s all for nothing,”

“Didn’t you guys make it to the semi-finals at nationals last year?” Ryo asked, turning to look at Riku.

“Yeah, but..our wing spiker was our best player, and he graduated so I’m really worried. Not that our current members are bad, they’re just not as good,” He explained, sighing quietly. “Our current third years are good, but most of our first-years are beginners who only started learning this year,”

“That’s unfortunate…Can’t you guys make do without them?”

“That’s mean, Ryo-chan!” Riku chided, finally turning to look at him. “They’re working hard to catch up,”

“Will all that matter if it won’t pay off?”

“You need to appreciate hard work too. Don’t you always say that whenever test results come out? ‘You worked hard, and that’s all that matters’,” Riku said, imitating the other’s voice almost to a T. 

“Do I?” Ryo thought about it. 

“Yeah, you do,” Riku replied. “A step forward is still a step in the right direction, yeah?”

Ryo let out a weak laugh.

“Do I really sound so annoying all the time?”

“Not really..Even if we lose, I don’t think it’d mean all the practice was pointless.” Riku continued as he rested his chin on the railing. “Sure, it’d suck and I might cry, but all those hours with everyone, the stupid jokes…Losing doesn’t erase all of them,”

Ryo just stayed quiet.

“And besides, if we lose, I’m sure my juniors will take revenge next year,”

“You make it sound so easy,”

“It isn’t, but wanting something isn’t easy either,” Riku looked up at the sky, a pensive look on his face. “You know, I think about confessing sometimes,”

Another gust of wind blew, and Ryo blinked.

“To Sion?” He asked, eyes as wide as saucers as Riku nodded. “You should then. Why haven’t you actually?”

“I’m scared,” Riku admitted as his voice cracked a little. 

Ryo knew that all too well. He was scared too, of confessing to Sakuya, of hearing Sakuya say ‘I think it's better that we just stay as friends’ or worse, say that he never wants to see him again because everything Ryo thought they had was just in his head.

“I think,” Riku said quietly. “People act like fear means you shouldn’t do something, but sometimes you only fear something because of how bad you want it,”

Ryo felt something twist in his chest. He’s spent weeks trying to convince himself that being scared of Sakuya meant that they shouldn’t be together. But he’d never stopped loving him, did he? Maybe it just means that he loves him enough that he’s scared of losing him.

“Ryo, are you happier now?” 

“H-Huh?”

“You haven’t been talking about Sakuya lately, did something happen?” Riku asked, not dancing around the topic anymore.

“W-Well, we kinda fought and…it was all my fault though,” Ryo began. He felt more at ease talking about it now than he did with Sion. “and we haven’t talked since, because I told him to leave and he’s too nice to not listen to me..”

“Do you miss him?” Riku asked, looking him straight in the eye - as uncomfortable as it was. 

“I miss him so much it hurts sometimes,” 

“Then why do you not want to meet him?” If anyone else asked a question like that, Ryo would probably tell them to shut the hell up, but he knew Riku didn’t mean it the same way others did. 

“I..” Ryo opened his mouth and closed it, thinking over it for a second. “I think he deserves someone better. I was such a jerk to him, why would he want to talk to me again? He doesn’t deserve such a terrible person,”

“Do you remember that time Yuu-chan and I fought back then?” Riku asked.

“Yeah..?” 

“I felt really bad when it happened, after all the anger faded. I remember crying because I felt like I was the worst friend ever,” Riku said as he looked down at the football field again. “But you know what? It turned out that Yuu-chan felt the same,”

“Yeah, but Sak-”

“Nope, listen. I thought Yuu-chan hated me too and that he’d never forgive me, but look at us now, yeah?” 

“Yeah, now you kiss each other good bye for some reason,” Ryo jeered, rolling his eyes, earning another smack from Riku.

“You just don’t get our lovely relationship,” He whined as he turned away with a ‘hmph’.

“Don’t I though?”

“That’s besides the point!” Riku retorted. “The point is that I thought Yuu-chan hated me even though he was also worried that I hated him. How do you know Sakuya doesn’t feel the same?”

“I don’t…I don’t understand him,” 

“That’s not exactly what I asked but go on,”

“What if I’m the weird one? What if something is wrong with me, not with him?” Ryo asked, voice quivering even though he tried so hard to keep it steady. 

“Then something’s wrong with you,” Riku answered, his words mirroring Sion’s somehow. “All of us love you, don’t we?”

“Do you?”

“Would I be skipping club with you in freezing weather if I didn’t?” Riku asked, bumping their shoulders together. “Would Sion wake up at four in the morning for you? Would Yuu-chan share his imokempi? Would Daeyoung ask you for opinions on his covers?”

Ryo's eyes stung.

“People don't stop loving someone just because they're weird.”

Ryo felt like crying again, his head hurting from the tears he refused to shed. 

“So why do you think Sakuya wouldn’t love you anymore?” 

“I don’t know..” Ryo answered honestly.

“I don’t think you’re scared of Sakuya, but how much you love him despite…everything, ” Riku said, hands gesturing wildly. That was an accurate depiction of everything that was up with Sakuya. “You don't have to understand someone completely to love them. You keep talking about how strange he is, but every time you mention him, you still sound like you’re talking about happiness itself.”

That was right. He couldn’t help but think about every minute they spent beside each other; studying together, talking in the park together, sleeping beside each other…He thought of lovely Sakuya making him french toast, telling him how he missed him while he was at school, nodding shyly while agreeing to Ryo asking for a kiss, averting his eyes…Most importantly, he thought about waking up to Sakuya’s sleeping face in front of him, the soft morning light bouncing off his soft, pale skin and frosty hair, and his pretty pink lips glistening, his lashes laying on his cheeks. The future he was supposed to build with him.

He grieved all of it.

“If you decide that you don’t want to anymore, that’s okay,” RIku told him gently, a soft smile on his face. “And if you decide you do, that’s alright too,”

Ryo nodded, feeling the cold breeze on his face again.

“Ah, and! If you're gonna run after him, go full speed ahead, yeah?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t do it half-heartedly!”

And Ryo made up his mind then.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

Ryo started with a text, but immediately erased everything. Texts are really impersonal for the situation at hand. So he decided to write a letter instead, pouring all of his feelings and love for Sakuya onto paper.

He went to the stationary and bought cute letter paper - light pink with stars and cute My Melody and Sweet Piano illustrations around the edges - and an envelope too. Everything he thought, no, hoped that Sakuya would like. Then he sat at his desk and started scribbling down everything he wanted to relay in scrap paper.

‘S̶a̶k̶u̶y̶a̶,̶ I̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶

‘S̶a̶k̶u̶y̶a̶,̶ ̶p̶l̶e̶a̶s̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶m̶e’

‘S̶a̶k̶u̶y̶a̶,̶ ̶I̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u’

‘Dear Sakuya, 

                     I’m sorry. I know I hurt you a lot and I’ve been feeling really guilty over it.’

He didn’t know how to do this. Everything he writes seems so self-centered and annoying and-

Ryo banged his head on the desk, groaning. How was he supposed to put things in a way that expressed both his feelings and also understanding how he hurt Sakuya with his words and actions? He thought that writing essays was difficult, but at least essays had requirements they had to meet. No one ever taught him how to do this, there wasn’t a guidebook for telling someone you’d called a creature that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them.

Tonton stared at him from the bed.

“Don’t look at me like that,”

Tonton continued to stare.

“I know…”

–

Half an hour later, there were several crumpled sheets scattered around the room, filled with drafts that were either too short, too selfish, too depressing, or too pathetic. In the end, he picked up his phone and opened the gc. 

Days since Yuu-chan cried: 2

Guys

I need help

Pretty please

Daeng:

What’s wrong?

Sion:
Whats up bb?

How do you write an apology letter that

doesn’t make you sound self-centered?

Yuu-chan:

?

Oh

What do you mean?

Sion:
Is the letter for who I think it is?

Riku:

You’re writing a letter for Sakuya?

Yuu-chan:

Oh you’re finally addressing the elephant 

The way none of you answered

Die

Daeng:

Why do you think it sounds self-centered?

Because it’s all ‘I did this because blah blah’

‘I’m sorry that I did this because I had nightmares’?

Makes me sound like such a jerk

Sion:
Yeah but wasnt that the reason?

Daeng:
You’re just explaining your behaviour, right?

As long as you take responsibility for your actions 

and don’t use it to excuse your behaviour it should 

be fine

Riku:
Literally what Daeyoung said

There’s a fine line between explaining and excusing

Yuu-chan:
Did you apologise to him yet? 

That’s literally what the letter is for

Sion:

Leave my baby alone

I DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING??

Be glad I’m choosing not to say anything else rn

Daeng:
What does that mean?

Ryo found himself smiling at his phone. He missed this, joking around with his friends. God, would he have felt better sooner had he isolated himself less? Would it all have improved quicker if he reached out earlier than he ended up doing?

Riku:
I think we’re losing the point here

Sion:

If I got an apology letter I’d want three things

An apology, what happened, and what you

want now

Daeng:
Oh Sion is serious now?

Sion:
Lock your windows

Yuu-chan:
Not the time for your enemies-to-lovers

thing

Ryo stared at the message Sion sent and then down at the crumpled papers around his room. It wasn’t perfect, but at least he now had an idea on how to write down his feelings in a way that made sense. So he picked up his pencil again and started to simplify everything.

An apology:

I’m sorry for hurting you

What happened:
I was scared because I had nightmares about you

What I want:

…

That made Ryo freeze for a second. Everything that already happened came to him easily, but something that hasn’t yet happened…If he was honest, he wanted Sakuya back. He wanted Sakuya to forgive him. He wanted Sakuya to stay with him forever. His vision started to blur when he thought of that. ‘Stay with him forever’? When he was the one who told Sakuya to leave? When Sakuya looked so afraid and asked ‘are you leaving me?’ and he doubled down? 

So scummy…but still, he found his hand moving on its own.

What I want:
I want you back

Maybe it’s better to just write it all down unfiltered. Why did this even have to be perfect? It was just a draft. He started writing the letter properly now, filling page after page with everything in his head, and by the time he was done, it was half past midnight and he had about ten pages worth of scratch in front of him. It was full of crossed out words and typos and rewritten sentences, an entire page dedicated to apologising for making Sakuya cry, and a page where he had repeated the phrase ‘i love you’ six whole times.

But at least it was all out. He could just refine it tomorrow. The him of tomorrow can be the composed one. Today, he just let himself soak in his emotions.

It would be alright.

Surely it would be alright.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

It was Saturday when Ryo decided to finally talk to Sakuya.

He currently had his sister on video call as he showed off his outfit. Maybe he should've asked Kaori instead? She was a future fashion designer…

“How does this look?” He asked as he turned left to right. He had his hair parted at the side, hair falling over his face all chic, and just a simple outfit…That he spent a solid ten minutes on Pinterest searching for inspiration for. He had a striped white shirt on and a cool brown vest over it, paired with black jeans.

“You look so cute!” He heard his sister say over video call.

“I need forgiveness, not to look cute..!” He whined, toying with a stray strand of his bangs despite what he just said.

“You’re saying that but you’re the one on call with me asking for opinions,” she replied, making him pout more. “And I’m sure you asked your friends before me too,”

Ryo didn’t know what to say because she was right - he had unread texts from the gc about all his outfit choices. 

“My fault for wanting it to be perfect,”

“This isn’t a drama, you don’t need it to be perfect!” She quipped back instead.

“Yeah but…” Ryo’s voice got quieter. He looked away from the screen, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his vest. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”

His sister blinked.

“What if he hates me?” Ryo continued, words spilling out before he could stop them, fists clenching. “What if he doesn’t even want to see me and it turns out that I ruined everything permanently?”

“Ryo..” 

“I know I sound stupid, okay?” He laughed weakly.

“Oh, baby…” She smiled, and suddenly Ryo was five again, crying over a scraped knee. “You’ve always been like this..Do you remember when you’d ask me to help with your hair before parent observation day because you wanted mum to think you looked handsome?”

“That’s embarrassing…”

“And before your first date with Kaori where you changed outfits six times and even let me do your makeup,”

“Nee-chan..!” Ryo exclaimed as he buried his face in his hands, ears bright red. 

“Seriously though,” she laughed. “You’re gonna meet the person you love after weeks of crying and moping around the house. It’s normal to be nervous, or to want to look your best,”

Ryo didn’t say anything and just frowned.

“The person you’re going to see…Isn’t he the boy who spent every second he knew you loving you?”

He nodded.

“And isn’t he the boy you love?”

He nodded again.

“You look handsome, okay?” She started again, voice completely soft again. “Now go get him, my lovely little brother.”

Ryo’s eyes stung as he waved bye-bye and ended the call. He looked at the cream-coloured envelope on his desk and sighed. He was nervous. He’s probably rehearsed fifty conversations in his head. 

He knows it’s stupid. He knows he deserves it if Sakuya doesn’t forgive him. But what was he supposed to do if he looked at him and said that he doesn’t want him anymore?

His hands shook as he grabbed the envelope and took a deep breath before heading out his room. He made it to the front door then froze. Everything suddenly felt too real. If he went outside, he’d have to actually see Sakuya and look him in the eye and actually hear his answer. 

What if Sakuya looked happy to see him, but didn’t want him anymore? What if he said ‘I forgive you, let’s just stay friends’? He’d understand it, of course. He hadn’t been the best friend, or even the best person either. But what if he cried? What if he looked scared? What if he didn’t even bother reading his letter?

He crouched down, hugging his knees, as his breathing fastened. The envelope slipped from his fingers as he wiped at the tears started spilling down his cheeks. His chest hurt so much. 

He couldn’t do it.

He’d spent weeks preparing himself and now that the moment has come, he couldn’t do it.

“I’m sorry,” His trembling voice came out. He wasn’t even sure who he was apologising to; Sakuya, his friends, his sister, or maybe even himself? 

Why did he even think that he deserved Sakuya’s love? Just because they kissed a little? Just because Ryo apologised? He was the reason they were even in this situation. If he wasn’t such an imbecile, he’d still be laughing beside Sakuya, their hands intertwined. He’d still wake up beside Sakuya. He’d still be able to kiss Sakuya-

God, is that all this was?

Did he just miss Sakuya for what he could give him physically? Did he just want him back for his body?

Ryo wanted to throw up. 

He walked back to his room and placed the letter on the desk, staring at it until the paper had darkening splotches all over it. He took a shower, water at the hottest temperature it could get to, and scrubbed at his skin, trying to get rid of the disgusting feeling. 

He changed into his pajamas with his skin red and laid on his bed, starting to cry again.

Coward. He was such a coward. He was a coward, a wimp, a craven, a cur, a wuss, a pansy, a pushover-

He’d never be able to tell Sakuya.

—-

When he opens his eyes, the room is almost too bright. The ceiling is not his own - it was off-white instead of the dark blue he was used to, and there was a severe lack of glow in the dark stars. He turns to the side to see a familiar face beside him, Sakuya, eyes closed. 

His breathing was slow the way it always was. His face looked so soft and Ryo couldn’t help but bring a hand to his cheek, softly caressing it, and that’s when Sakuya woke up.

“Ryo..?”

“Hmm?”

“Why're you up so early?” 

“Why shouldn't I be?”

“I thought you'd be tired from last night, you got pretty drunk,” 

Ryo blinked. He didn’t- well, couldn’t drink yet. Legally at least. 

“Is that the only reason?” He found himself asking, a teasing tone taking over.

Sakuya just laughed and lightly smacked him on the shoulder, making Ryo grab his wrist. As if the blonde couldn't pull away with little to no effort if he wanted.

“If only I knew what kind of husband you'd be..” Sakuya started, giggling.

Husband? He looked at his hand to see a silver band on his ring finger, glinting in the light. Oh. 

The next thing he knew, the both of them were sitting at the dining table. Sakuya had toast in front of him and Ryo looked down to see the same on his plate. French toast with chocolate in it, the way Sakuya always made it. He said his thanks and took a bite. It tasted the same as always. Always? How many times has he actually tasted it?

“Ah, your mother texted me yesterday. She was wondering when we'd visit next,” Sakuya suddenly asked, a smidge of chocolate at the corner of his mouth.

“Mm, next weekend maybe?” Ryo replies, automatically reaching out to wipe the chocolate off, which leads to Sakuya nuzzling into his palm.

“I'll tell her then,” He replies, pressing a small kiss to his hand. “She texts me more than you at this point,”

“You’ve been her son-in-law since the day I brought you home, of course she loves you,” Ryo replies.

He blinks and they're suddenly on the couch, watching a movie. There's a wine bottle open in front of them with two half-empty glasses and a bag of chips. 

He has his head on Sakuya's lap and he can feel his fingers running through his hair absentmindedly as he focuses on the movie. 

“Why'd the protagonist just do that?” Sakuya asks him, not bothering to look down.

“Do what?” Ryo returns the question as he glances at the television once before bringing his gaze back to Sakuya.

“Lie to his crush like that,” Sakuya replied, tilting his head again, the way he always did. How cute.

This was something he'd gotten used to. He'd always been more of a thinking-oriented person, a complete ‘T’ as Sion described him, but ever since he's started dating Saku, he'd been made to think of feelings on more than one occasion. Sakuya didn’t understand things the human way, and he'd finally stopped pretending that he could; it was up to Ryo to teach him things he didn't know.

He looks away and suddenly they're on their bed again. Ryo has a leg thrown around Sakuya’s hip and a hand around his waist. Sakuya is looking at him with his eyes half-lidded; if Ryo tried hard enough, surely he'd find hearts in them. 

“Where is your attention drifting to?” Sakuya grumbles, lips drawn into a pout. 

“Hm?” Ryo asks as he pulls him closer, nestling into his chest. 

“Forget about it and just head to sleep,” Sakuya replied. “You've got work again tomorrow, Dr. Hirose,”

Ryo groaned, holding onto him harder. He could faintly hear his heartbeat in this position. 

“Don’t remind me…Let me squeeze everything I can out of a rare day-off…”

“The only thing you're squeezing right now is me,”

“Saku,” Ryo whines, looking up from where he was nosing into Sakuya’s chest. “Give me a kiss?”

And Sakuya complies without a doubt, of course he does. 

“Thank you,” Sakuya mumbles, barely loud enough for Ryo to hear.

“Eh? For what?”

“For coming back,” 

Sakuya sounded so earnest when he said it, voice soft with a gentle expression on his face. Every word held so much love behind it. Sakuya loved him. And he loved Sakuya. And this was how it would be, always. 

Sakuya would always love him.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

Ryo woke up with a start, eyes opening to the countless stars on his ceiling. His hand immediately shot for his phone, opening it to show ‘04:07’. He sat up, still in his pajamas, hair a mess, and a face puffy from crying

He didn’t care anymore, he just needed to see Sakuya.

He ran, he didn’t care that it was four in the morning, or that it’s freezing cold outside, he just wanted Sakuya. He didn’t care about the letter he wrote or the outfit he picked out, or that he didn't even put on his glasses. He sent a text to his mother, telling her that he needed to go somewhere really quick, as he haphazardly put on his shoes, closing the door as gently as he could in his urgency. He didn’t bother waiting for the elevator and ran down all six flights stairs, footsteps echoing through the stairwell. The moment he stepped outside the building, the freezing air felt like it was shredding the lining of his alveoli with every step he took. He almost fell twice but wouldn’t stop until he actually reached the park.

When he reached the park, he saw the sight he’d been fearing for weeks now. Sakuya was sitting there on the swing, hands gently holding onto the chains as he swung his legs back and forth, seemingly practicing how to swing more like a human. God, had Ryo's words really affected him that much? His face was expressionless, but it was still the same pretty features. The same Sakuya he’s always loved.

“S-Saku..!” Ryo called out, voice still breathless from all the running. 

Sakuya looked up at him, eyes widening a little. The swing suddenly stopped swaying, the way it did before.

Ryo took a step forward, suddenly feeling like he was trying to step out of quicksand. 

“Sakuya-”

“You came for me?” Sakuya asked, voice a little unsteady as he stood up. He took a shaky step toward him too. 

Ryo’s gaze finally met his and that’s when he saw it. A drop falling from his eyes, trailing down his cheek before falling to the sand below and-

“Y-You’re crying?” He asks, feeling his heart in his throat. This was exactly what he feared. He'd never seen Sakuya cry before, not even slightly tear up. So to think that he'd made Sakuya feel so bad that he had to finally cry…

Sakuya genuinely looked taken aback and brought a hand to his face, feeling the tears wet his skin before he laughs a little. “I…didn’t know I could do that,”

Ryo’s own vision blurred immediately. He couldn’t do this anymore. His chest hurt and his head and nose and before he knew it, he was crying. Horribly loud sobs that made it hard to breathe.

“I-I’m sorry-” He said as he stumbled forward. “Saku, I’m so sorry,”

Ryo didn’t know when his knees hit the ground, he just felt the sand between his fingers, digging into his knees, feeling the hot tears run down the freezing skin on his face. 

“I’m sorry,” He repeated again. He sounded pathetic, well, he was pathetic. He couldn’t even see properly anymore. ”I-I missed you so much,”

Ryo felt cold hands wrap themselves around him which just made him sob harder. He missed them so much. Every time his mother pinched his cheek or Sion hugged him or Riku gave him a kiss on the cheek, all he could think about was how everything- no, everyone felt too warm. Everyone was too warm and they looked too full of life and their eyes shined too much and it all just felt so weird.

“D-Don’t- I don’t, hic, I don’t deserve your warmth,” He cried out, trying to curl into himself. He didn’t deserve to feel Sakuya’s comfort when he actively pushed it away.

“Ryo, I'm not-”

“I know I’m horrible, I know- I know that I hurt you, but,” His voice cracked. “Saku, I love you, I love you so much. I’m sorry, please don’t hate me, please,”

Ryo looked up to see Sakuya crying too, tears falling prettily down his face from his glass eyes as he tries to process everything that’s happening. 

“Saku..” Ryo whispered weakly.

“Ryo,” Sakuya said back. His expression looked perplexed, not angry, or disappointed. Just confused. 

“Saku, I know that you hate me-”

“I don’t hate you,” Sakuya said, making Ryo freeze.

“You don’t have to say that..”

“I don’t hate you..” He repeated, voice trembling. “I don’t deserve to hate you, you’ve- you’ve been too kind to me,”

Ryo almost laughed.

“Kind..? I was such a jerk to you!” His words came tumbling out before he knew it. “I called you a creature and pushed you away and told you to leave and-”

“I missed you so much. I missed talking to you, spending time with you, eating pastries together..holding your hand,” Sakuya said, voice getting quieter at the last part. “A-And I thought that..perhaps I wasn’t allowed to miss those things anymore…”

“N-No,” Ryo was crying so hard he could barely hear anymore. “No! Miss- Miss me, please. Please miss me, please love me..It’s alright, no, I want you to miss me, to be selfish, to get angry and yell at me and hate me if that’s what you feel..I-I just want you,”

“I thought you abandoned me,” Sakuya admitted, face now solemn. “Y-You told me to leave, but I thought that..That if I stayed here, maybe, just maybe, you’d come back if you needed me again…It would’ve been alright if you didn’t want me anymore…but I..I just wanted to see you again, I’m so sorry…”

Ryo hugs him hard, burying his face into his neck as he sobs.

“I’m sorry, Saku, I’m sorry for being such a terrible person-”

“No,” Sakuya’s voice shakes as he hugs him back even harder, wetting the collar of Ryo’s t-shirt with his own tears. He sounded surprisingly firm despite how much he was crying. “You’re not terrible,”

“But I-”

“No! You’re warm and you take care of people and- and you teach me new things and you let me sleep beside you and make me happy and,” Sakuya gushed, taking a deep breath. “You loved me,”

Ryo pulled back a little to look at him, at the tears flowing endlessly from those blank eyes that he missed so much.

“Ryo..I’m leaking,” His voice was small as he touched his cheek with trembling fingers. “I-I don’t know why, it’s never happened before. Did I break?”

That hits Ryo like a train. For weeks he’d had hallucinations and dreams where Sakuya’s body opened up and bled and fell apart in front of him…but now that Sakuya’s crying, his first reaction is wondering if anything is wrong with him. 

“N-No, nothing’s- nothing’s wrong with you,” Ryo reassures him, wiping at his tears for him, as if his own weren’t drying because of the freezing wind. “It just happens when you feel a lot,”

“Ryo, I love you,” Sakuya mumbled, leaning into Ryo’s warm hands on his face. “I love you so much, thank you for not leaving me,”

“I won’t do it again, I promise. You could take my heart from behind my ribs and I’d still stay by your side,”

“Why would I ever do that, silly?” Sakuya asks, tilting his head to the side.

Ryo’s breath caught and all the dreams came back to him; the pink blood, empty chest, wide smiles, and cold fingers digging between his ribs while he hears Sakuya’s sweet, deep voice going ‘I’ll take your heart, okay?’ 

All those awful dreams and terrifying nights where he ran and ran from the image of Sakuya the fear inside him created…

“Your heart belongs inside you,” Sakuya said softly, looking at him like he’d just suggested the most ridiculous thing in the world. “You need it. Aren’t you supposed to be a cardiologist?”

“You don’t..You don’t want it?” Ryo asked, his lips trembling.

“You already gave it to me,” Sakuya answered, smiling now as Ryo just looked more confused. “That rainy day, under the playset canopy?”

Ryo felt his heart squeeze. 

“And I gave you mine too,” Sakuya continued as he brought Ryo’s hand to rest over his chest. “See, it beats just for you,”

Ryo stared at him for a minute before laughing - laughing so hard that he started crying again. Of course Sakuya would think like that; not flesh and blood or anything gruesome or horrifying that his imagination could come up him, but just simple and impossibly sincere love. 

He threw himself at Sakuya again, knocking both of them into the sand, making him let out a small noise of surprise. 

“I missed you,” He said as he buried face into Sakuya’s neck again. “I missed you so, so much,”

“I missed you too,” Sakuya whispered back immediately.

“I missed your stupid chocolate french toast,”

“I can make it again for you,”

“I missed sleeping beside you,”

“We can do that too,”

“I missed kissing you,” Ryo finally muttered, pressing a small kiss to the side of his neck, making Sakuya look away shyly. 

“We can…do that too,”

Ryo propped himself on his elbows, ignoring the sand pressing into his forearms. He looked at Sakuya below him, illuminated by the light from the streetlight, the light reflecting off him softly. Pretty, ethereal, angelic…His Sakuya. 

“Saku, do you wanna be mine forever?” He asks, smiling softly.

“I’ve always been yours forever, idiot,” Sakuya replies, cupping Ryo’s face in his hands.

And in the cold of November in Kyoto, they stayed like that until the first rays of dawn broke.