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“Lucy laid
On her back
While my head spun off the track
Laying still
On the grass
When did things move so damn fast?”
I hum the song while preparing dinner, a loose blue shirt on me and shorts. The song Lucy~ playing on loop for a while now.
“Tee!” I called. My face frowned.
Teetee appeared from the bedroom, eyes slightly open as he rustled towards me. His hands sliding down my waist and his face buried in my neck.
The song continued to play, and the next song began, I became aware of the lyrics suddenly,
‘Hearing the words
That I want
But was still caught so off guard
Sunny sky
Stiff smile
While the beats rise in my heart’
I remember yearning for Tee when I was teen, my bio had this song written, I wanted Tee to know it's for him.
From when I was 15 until today, I had added all the songs in my playlist because of this boy clinging to me.
My eyes grew warm, tears threatening to spill.
But suddenly TeeTee spoke,
“You smell like me.” He purred.
I sighed. Heat creeping up my neck and stomach weirdly unwell. My hands rose into Teetee's hairs, fixing them.
“Were you sleeping baby?” Nicknames. Oh these damn nicknames.
Teetee hummed, pulling me closer to his chest.
“Tee! I'm making dinner, let go of me!” I scolded, half heartedly. Though all I wanted was TeeTee to hold me forever.
He shrugged.
I somehow made dinner while a clingy puppy stuck to me , occasionally kissing my nape.
I felt nausea creeping in. Too much love.
We met again, after years.
It was a familiar place, and oh God his perfume.
Even after years it didn't get awkward.
Our conversation flowed effortlessly.
Teasing. Making each other jealous and bragging.
It was always easy to be around him.
Always.
We ate dinner. Tee had his foot brushing mine under the table, like he can't live without skinship.
“Tee? What on earth is happening to you today?” I asked him.
“I missed you. I was sleeping and you were gone.” Teetee said, pouting.
I softened. My heart did something.
“Oh, darling, I'm sorry. I was making dinner.” Ugh these nicknames!
“Uh- I know. I know. But I missed you.” Tee said without looking up at me.
I looked at him for a minute, he looked so soft like this, his eyes down, sleepy face and disheveled hair, his lips forming a pout. I want to kiss him so badly.
I got up from the chair, pulled back his chair. Leaning down to steal a kiss from him.
“Go watch the TV, I'll do the dishes and rush back!” I collected the dishes. And washed them hurriedly.
Tee had been watching the Dexx interview, laughing on Auau and passing comments about how that day Tutor had been making up with Yim. And Yim was clearly giving him a death stare.
Dishes were done, I kept them on the dry stand and walked towards the couch.
The interview was paused mid conversation,
‘Bingo, bingo, baby
I love you, ain′t that crazy?
I want you, I want you over again
Bingo, bingo, baby
I love you, ain't that crazy?
I want you, I want you over again’
The songs were still playing but no one paid attention until now.
Tee was quiet and I stood where I was.
He had a smile on his face.
The room was quiet except for the song playing. Too quiet but like home.
He looked at me.
“Come here.” He stretched out his arms, eyes glistening.
I walked towards him.
He hugged me.
And oh, this is what home is.
“Tee..” I called softly.
“Hm?”
“I love you.” I whispered in his hair.
His grip tightened. “More.”
We stayed like that till the last verse carried out the instruments, his head on my stomach, arms around my waist. His smell on me. His smell.
Later we were stretched on the couch, our legs tangled, shoulders pressed. This feels intimate. So much.
The playlist kept playing in the background.
This doesn't seem real anymore, it's like a haze, a dream in which I can't figure out if it's real or fake. I had kept thinking about this.
About a home. Me and Tee. Always him.
I've spent my teenage years longing for this.
The warmth of his shoulders, the smell of his perfume so close that I can't even breathe fresh air.
And suddenly I've all of this.
It's weird.
Tee then shifted, his head on my lap as I absentmindedly moved my fingers through his hair.
“P'Por. I love you.” Tee said as if it was nothing. Like loving me was something he'd do without even knowing.
My eyes itched. The playlist is really making me feel giddy and overwhelmed.
The same melody filled the room again.
He took my hand and kissed it. Such a simple act but my heart aches. No. It's not hurting me. But because it's too good.
Too real.
I can't believe this.
No way.
“Tee..” My voice cracks.
He looks up at me. I lean down to kiss him on the mouth. A peck.
“Please don't go anywhere.” My lips brushed his.
“Never.” He assured, intertwining our fingers. “Never.” He repeated.
“Baby…” Nicknames. Those damn nicknames.
I sniffled. His cheeks are wet too.
We were just teens when we started talking.
Teens with nothing but love.
With pickup lines so bad that one would cringe over it.
With nicknames which seemed normal.
With pictures of coffees.
With videos dancing on couple trends.
With everything we had, and everything we couldn't protect.
Friends. At least that's what we believed we were.
Until I couldn't help but to fall and fall until I couldn't look at anyone else the same.
And now I'm laying with him in my lap, with his heart beating in the same room as mine. His perfume. His damn perfume filled the whole room.
I almost once forgot the smell of and now I'm breathing it everyday when I wake up.
God, this is crazy.
Loving Teetee was crazy.
I had always loved loudly, posting poems, songs.
But I couldn't bring myself to do it when it came to him.
Your love came disguised as something strange, something that didn't feel like love.
But something with wide open arms and a smile that didn't mean anything more at least that's what I thought.
I think that is why I think it's crazy.
No.
Not loving you, but the love itself.
Because I’d do whatever it takes to have you.