Chapter Text
The first thing she noticed as her eyes opened was a stinging sensation behind them. She sniffed heavily and sat up reaching over for the tissues she kept near her bed. After blowing her nose, she dropped back down to the bed. She had been experiencing this for years in the summer months but every year she held onto the hope that it would not occur this time.
It always did.
It didn't help that none of her sisters seemed to suffer as she did and her mother would complain endlessly about her sniffing and sneezing throughout the summer months. Claiming it was unladylike, she would point out how her chances of marriage were already diminished enough, and that nobody would marry her if she continued: as if she was choosing to be affected in such a way.
Although it peaked and troughed throughout the summer seemingly at random, this was the first day within the season that it had felt this bad immediately upon waking. Tempting as it was to remain in bed, she was now employed as a governess outside the family and had to get ready for the day. As she looked in the mirror at her red eyes and snotty nose, she prayed it would settle by the evening. Her fiancé was joining them for dinner and she had tried so hard to keep her struggles hidden in the Lakes and was quite proud of how well she had done. The low level of irritation she had suffered was not remembered by their party due to being entirely overshadowed by her collapse after they returned from Scafell.
After quickly getting dressed for the day and washing her face and underarms, she blew her nose again before heading downstairs.
"How are you this morning, Mary?" Mrs Gardiner greeted her, looking slightly less relaxed than she usually would at the breakfast table.
"I'm quite well, thank you, and yourself?" Mary sniffed again and tried to brush off Mrs Gardiner's look of concern.
"Are you sure? You look a little red around your eyes. If there is something wrong you must tell me now because I am afraid this will not make it any better." She held out a letter addressed to her in her mother's hand.
"It is just a bit of a sniffle, Aunt, nothing to worry about," she softened the extent of it, so as not to worry her aunt unnecessarily. With a grave smile, she took the offered letter and made the decision to read it later, putting it in her dress pocket.
"Will you open it? I have also had a letter from my sister," Mr Gardiner informed her.
"I think I will leave it until after I have completed my lessons for the day." She responded, worried they would try to convince her to open it in front of them.
"That is probably sensible," replied her uncle which made the pit in stomach grow as he had already read his letter and she wondered what her mother could have said in it to make him come to the conclusion she had come shortly after finding her place in London: that she should not start her day with her mother's voice echoing around her head.
She tried to shake it off and enjoy her breakfast but it was difficult as her eyes watered endlessly and the dull ache in her head was only growing. Several tissues later, she set off to spend the warm Thursday at the Smith's house, teaching their 14 year old daughter.
Despite her perseverance, Mrs Smith sent Mary home at noon, ensuring her that there was nothing for her daughter to learn that couldn't wait until Mary was feeling better. Walking back proved difficult as her nose gave her no reprieve from sneezes and the air felt so thick, the illness had developed into sporadic coughing fits but eventually she made it back to the Gardiner's front door. The footman informed her that Mrs Gardiner was out for luncheon and said the kitchen would prepare a sandwich for her.
She plonked down on the nearest chair in the sitting room rather ungracefully and thanked the footman with tears in her eyes from frustration at her condition. Mary pulled her handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped her face dry although it was a losing battle, her mother's letter brushing her hand as she did so. Given she was alone, she thought now was as good a time as ever to get it over with. She decided to take herself to her bedroom and once there pulled it out of her pocket, adjusting her spectacles as she sat on the corner of her bed to read.
Mary,
I am content but I must say somewhat confused to hear of your engagement. At our last meeting, you seemed almost determined to defy me and all sensibility by refusing Mr Ryder. To hear you have accepted a man with far less means is most vexing to me.
However, I should not be shocked as you have spent your whole life behaving in whatever way is most contrary to what I desire for you. Don't think I did not notice that your letter informing me was far shorter than the one that Lizzy received, you have never shown the level of condescension that is appropriate to those who have raised you, I can only hope this Mr Hayward is attentive to me as I am sure Mr Ryder would have been. For you most certainly are not.
I assume I will see you in Derbyshire soon as Lizzy has offered for you to marry from Pemberly. It is most kind of her to consider how travel wreaks havoc on my nerves. Make sure to have the banns read as soon as possible, the less time for him to change his mind, the better!
I offer this advice because I have heard the most disturbing reports from my sister that this Mr Hayward had already previously been entangled with another woman. He is clearly an inconstant man as far as emotions are concerned, unlike Mr Ryder who would never dally with a woman in that way. I am surprised that you have been able to wrangle him to agree to an engagement in the first place as apparently the previous woman didn't even get that far! However, I must stress that as you are not pretty enough to survive a scandal, therefore you must hurry him down the aisle at all costs!
I noticed you were experiencing your usual summer irritation at Pemberly. You must hide yourself away from him should it get any worse before the wedding. This is just another reason you must secure your marriage with this Mr Hayward quickly, before the full extent of your disappointing nature is revealed to him.
I trust you will respond with the details you clearly saw fit to inform Lizzy of but chose to omit from your previous letter to me.
Yours
Mama
As she read, she felt the lump in her throat growing until she curled in on herself and moved up the bed to cry. Her head hurt, her eyes had been stinging all day and her nose was in a permanent state of itchiness, but the tightness in her chest was not caused by any illness but her own mother. She sobbed for several minutes before closing her eyes and letting the paper fall to the floor.
"Mary."
She felt a gentle hand brushing up and down her arm.
"Mary, are you awake?" Mrs Gardiner leaned over her and brushed her hair out of her face.
Her eyes opened and she blinked a few times to wake herself up, "Aunt," she looked around and recognised her bedroom, "Mrs Smith sent me home due to my illness," she explained.
"I know, she sent a note to the house to encourage you to take as long as you need and to send wishes for your recovery too."
It was then Mary saw the letter in Mrs Gardiner's other hand, "I, erm. I read my mother's letter. Did my uncle mention what his said?"
Mrs Gardiner gave a sympathetic look and pursed her lips. "Her opinion on matters she does not know, is of no importance. We love Tom, and given we know him so well, we are more than capable of correcting your mother's mischaracterisation of him." Mary gave her a small smile accompanied by a sniff. "Are you still feeling unwell? You didn't eat your sandwich."
"I fell asleep soon after reading the letter. I haven't eaten since breakfast but I am struggling to find much of an appetite with my illness," she admitted.
"Oh no, Mary, you must eat. You slept all through the afternoon so it is almost time for dinner anyway. Mr Hayward should be here in half an hour or so, are you well enough to receive him?"
Mary felt very conflicted at this question because on the one hand she really wanted to see Tom, but on the other, her mother's words echoed around her mind. What would he think of her in this state? Would he still want to marry her when he saw her with redness blotched around her face and a handkerchief fixed to her hand in readiness for the next bout of sneezing. She sat up and joined her aunt at the edge of her bed.
"I think it might be best if I take a tray in my room," Mary said glumly.
Mrs Gardiner's eyebrows lifted, "My dear, I am sure he would rather see you than not, even if you do have to excuse yourself to blow your nose once or twice."
Tears welled in her eyes, "But he will see..." She gestured vaguely to her face and then whispered, "What if he changes his mind? Mother said-"
Mrs Gardiner interrupted her: "Mary, I have no interest in what your mother has to say, and neither should you," she said harshly. She pulled her niece into her arms and softened her voice, "You have come so far in your confidence and ability to make your own decisions since coming to London. Please don't allow her to slow your progress down now. Tom loves you, a bit of sneezing will not change that."
Mary wiped her eyes and tried to believe her aunt. "I will freshen up and try to make myself look presentable, and perhaps see how I feel in half an hour. Do you...do you think he will mind?" Her voice had grown timid by the end of her question.
"Mind what, dear?"
"I mean, do you think he will mind that I look like... This?"
"Mary," Mrs Gardiner chided, "Apart from a spot of redness you look just like yourself, and Tom likes the way you look. Presentable or not."
"Does he?" She asked, the surprise in her voice a reflex formed over many years.
"Mary! He has asked you to marry him for goodness sake!"
"Does that mean, I...I don't follow," Mary stuttered.
"It means he loves you for what you are, which is beautiful on the inside and beautiful on the outside," Her aunt pushed a strand of loose hair behind her ear. Mary rolled her eyes but couldn't help a smile from creeping over her face. Mrs Gardiner continued, "I think that if he doesn't see you he will be very disappointed and worried about you. He will be much happier to see you even if there is some redness in your complexion. Am I right in thinking this is something that has happened before?"
"It has happened every summer since I was a teenager," Mary said resentfully.
"Well then, maybe it is best that he learns how he can care for you and help you with this now. Then, when you are married he will be a better husband for it."
Mrs Gardiner sounded far more optimistic than Mary felt about Tom's potential reaction to her illness.
She shook her head to try and banish her negative thoughts from her mind, "I will change, and hopefully feel better, sometimes it does settle down in the evening so perhaps it will tonight."
Mrs Gardiner smiled and moved towards the door.
"Come down whenever you are ready," she said lovingly and then closed the door behind her.
Mary washed her face in a small bowl of water, but her nose was red and dry and her eyes still looked puffier than usual. She hoped her spectacles might help to hide it but as she put them she saw they did little to help. After changing into her spring green dress, she repinned her hair where it had fallen loose during her sleep. Taking a deep breath, she made her way downstairs.