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One step in front of the other.
Tsukasa usually had a lot more going on in his mind after a show. What he could improve for the next one, what new ideas he could suggest to his troupe and how he was one step closer to his dream of becoming a World Star.
But he was empty. And somehow heavy.
After the show, Emu took the troupe out to a family restaurant. They celebrated the success of their last show and the end of their two-week method-acting ‘course’ focused on Tsukasa’s character. They all smiled, laughed and joked. Their usual aftershow party, really.
Not really.
Emu smiled a bit more than usual, and her voice was louder. She talked about their next outing, their next sleepover, their next arcade night… Just anything they could do together in the near future. Nene constantly glanced at him and didn’t even tease him. Rui ‘secretly’ transferred his vegetables to Tsukasa’s plate, but the star was too tired to reprimand him. Their director didn’t say much; the air around him was a bit gloomy.
When they parted ways, Emu asked if he wanted a ride back home, but Tsukasa insisted on walking. A bit of air would fix everything. Just because he felt a bit off didn’t mean he was fragile!
Still, when he turned around after walking for a minute or two, his heart squeezed painfully when he couldn’t see his friends anymore.
His house was quiet again. A type of quiet where he could hear the electricity buzzing, the AC running and the cars outside. The floor creaked under his steps too loudly.
“Mom? Dad? Saki?”
The house answered with its all-consuming silence.
It was fine. His parents were probably out, either for a late meeting at work or to eat together. Saki was with her band practicing for their next gig.
Everything was fine…
Fine…
Fine…
He was in elementary school again. An empty home, a silent phone, a forgotten boy.
I don't want to be alone…
“Onii-chan?” came a careful voice behind him. He almost jumped out of his skin. “I… Is it fine to talk to you again?”
His sister looked so small and afraid, just like her elementary school self. She fiddled nervously with her hands and avoided his gaze.
Why?
“Of course! Thank you for going along with my request. The show was a success!” Tsukasa smiled unconvincingly.
“That’s… amazing, Onii-chan! You put in so much effort! Ah, I wish I could have seen the last show, but the premiere was incredible! I didn’t know you could act like that.” She took off her shoes and beamed at him. “You have to tell me all about it!”
Sitting on the couch, he told her about the audience cheering, his friends celebrating his performance, his incredible improvements, how, despite how hard the role was, it was all worth it…
He was in elementary school again. The cars were loud outside. The phone was louder. It spooked him, and he struggled to answer it as it slipped from his hands. It was his parents. They had forgotten about him until now. Saki had collapsed again, so they had to bring her to the hospital. They were just so worried about her that time had slipped by them. They couldn’t be home for a few days because Saki was too unwell, but they promised to come get him at school tomorrow. They were sorry.
So everything was fine.
But they forgot him.
The electricity buzzed in his ears. It wanted to eat him. It was all around him in this big house. He couldn’t escape. He crawled under the table with his unicorn plushie. It would protect him, right? But the buzzing grew louder and louder and louder…
He squeezed his teary eyes shut and blocked his ears. It didn’t help. It wanted to consume him.
“Mom, Dad, Saki, come home soon… Please…”
“-chan… Nii… -an…”
The feminine voice was distorted. He should know it. But his mind couldn’t grasp anything over his terror. Buzz… buzz… buzz…
“Onii-chan!!!” Saki exclaimed, grabbing his wrist.
Tsukasa wasn’t in elementary school. He was in his last year of high school. His house wasn’t empty since his sister was here. They were sitting on the couch. He had just finished his last performance of his latest show.
Everything was fine.
“Onii-chan!!!” Saki repeated, squeezing his wrist. “Are you with me?”
“Y-yes! Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be?” He blinked.
Her orange eyes, aimed straight at him, glimmered worriedly. She didn’t let go of him.
“You… weren’t answering me,” she said hesitantly. “Is something wrong?”
“Wrong? No, nothing’s wrong.”
After all, he was in his last year of high school. And his sister was by his side.
“You haven’t been exactly… yourself recently.” Saki played with the hem of her skirt. “Not long after your first show, you started working a lot harder on your role, but… You looked pained.”
“Pained? I…”
“And then you asked me to stop talking to you, and that hurt, but since it was for a show, I knew it wasn’t because I had done something wrong. It had to be for your role.”
His heart was sawn in half. He hurt his sister. How could he?
“But you looked more and more pained,” she continued. “I’ve heard you mumbling strange things, and it was almost scary.” ‘
“I-... Sorry,” was all he could say.
He was in elementary school. He hid himself under his blankets, squeezing his unicorn plushie. His little body felt too many emotions.
“Bad, bad, bad,” he repeated to himself.
After his parents’ call, he kept thinking about how they forgot about him. How they loved Saki more. How he wasn’t worth their time.
He rolled in bed and scolded himself.
“Bad, bad, bad Tsukasa.” He scrunched his eyebrows. “That’s not true! Mom and Dad were just busy taking care of Saki. They would never forget… about me…”
They had. Would they forget about him again?
“No, no, no! Bad Tsukasa! Bad thoughts!” He blocked out his ears. “You’re a bad big brother to Saki. She’s the one in pain right now! So you can’t be sad or angry. You can’t!”
But his tiny body trembled.
It didn’t want to be reminded that Saki had it worse, that his parents loved him just as much and that it was a simple mistake. It hated that his feelings and thoughts made him a bad older brother. It just wanted his family by his side as they ate dinner together. Everyone would laugh and smile. And Saki would be healthy again.
Not hurt, not sick, not dying, not in the hospital.
“I hate it!” Tsukasa cried. “Why is her body so mean to her? Why can’t the doctors fix it?”
“Why, why, why?” He jumped out of his bed and paced around. “If she were healthy, we could all be happy! And they would never forget about me!”
Wasn’t that a nice fantasy?
“This is all the stupid doctors’ fault! Maybe I should become a doctor! I would do a better job at fixing Saki than them! Stupid, stupid!” He kicked Usa-chan and immediately felt bad.
“But… there’s a lot of maths and science…” He sat on the ground next to the bunny plushie. “And I want to be a star that makes Saki smile. I can’t be a doctor. Usa-chan, what should I do? I’m a bad big brother.”
Put on a show that can make her smile.
That’s right. He would be a bright star that could light up any room! He would be the hero who saved the princess, beating dragons and trolls and other creatures for her. His friends, Pegasus and Usa-chan, would help him in his quest.
The next day, when he visited Saki with his parents, he acted out the story of a brave hero who slayed a dragon to save a princess. His family’s smiles were so bright, and they were all so proud of him. The nurse did have to tell him to tone it down, though…
…
Tsukasa was in his last year of high school. The house was quiet, but not because it was empty. Saki gasped worriedly on the couch next to him.
“Onii-chan?!? You’re crying? What happened?”
“S-sorry…” He slumped on himself, hiding his face with his hands and forcing a smile. “I’ve been a bad older brother and a bad son.”
“E-eh?” Saki took out some tissues. “Onii-chan! Please tell me what happened. I’m worried. Please.”
So, Tsukasa told her the truth without skipping any details. He told her about the method-acting, Sakaki telling him to imagine killing someone precious to him, that he used his memory of coming back home to an empty house, that of their parents forgetting to call him to tell him why they weren’t there, his fear of being forgotten, his isolation, his declining state, the pain…
His sister listened to everything with a hardened look. She barely moved, her mouth straight in a thin line.
“I’m s-so sorry. I’m a terrible big brother, I know. Using something that wasn’t an issue before and turning it into anger and hatred. And you were suffering so much, I knew.” He hiccupped. “I-I promise that I don’t think of killing you or Mom or Dad. I would never! It made me sick just thinking about it.”
“That’s horrible!”
“I-I’m sorr-”
“How could that director guy do something like that?!” she said angrily. “He knew you were suffering, and he pushed you to keep going! That could have been dangerous! And he made Emu-chan cry, too! Terrible!”
“But… he was helping me. Without him, our last show wouldn’t have been such a success.”
“But it hurt you! Please don’t do that again!”
“It really improved my character. It was for the sake of the show. And it worked out.”
“Onii-chan! You’re not listening!” She huffed. “Ugh, I can’t convince you, can I?”
He didn’t say anything.
“Just… promise me to be careful?” Saki took his hands. “If you truly fell into madness, I…” She bit her bottom lip. “Just… Please take care of my big brother. I love him as he is right now, and I would be very sad if he changed for the worse.”
“I will. Promise.” Tsukasa smiled, wiping his tears. “I wouldn’t want to make you sad, after all.”
They held each other as Tsukasa’s sniffles came to a stop.
“In the meantime.” She beamed. “Won’t you put on that show where the hero slays the dragon to save the princess? It’s been so long.”
“Eh?” His eyes widened. “You remember that one?”
“How could I forget? It’s one of my favourites alongside all of your shows made especially for me!”
“Then!” He had stars in his eyes. “Of course I’ll put it on for you!”
Saki loved it. Of course she did. She loved every show he put on, from the childish ones to the more mature ones of recent times.
When their parents returned home, he put on the show once more, receiving loud applause and a standing ovation. They all embraced him, and the house was loud once more. The TV played a drama, his parents talked about their weekend plans for the family, and Saki laughed.
They would never forget him!
Maybe in a few days, Tsukasa would internalise those words again.