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"I'm talking about killing them, of course."
Tsukasa still had to resist the urge to flinch now when he thought of those words.
His family... Mom, the person who taught him how to play the piano, who encouraged his shows and the confidence he always radiated. Dad, in his own silly manner, comforting and kind. And of course, his darling little sister, the apple of his eye, the one he had done everything for.
It was hard to be angry at them.
He had always wanted to avoid conflict, avoid causing harm, so he stayed the responsible older brother and never harboured any bad feelings.
Sakaki-san... His teachings were harsh and mentally draining. Its not like he didn't see that. He could handle it- he had to handle it, if he wanted to be a good actor.
It brought up memories he had long forgotten, and he didn't know what else to feel but guilt. Guilt for harbouring such rage and unfair accusations for his own family, sadness at seeing that loneliness he had tried so hard to smother, that he had not mattered, he had been forgotten, left there, alone. Lonely, poor Tsukasa, so small in an empty, large house.
"Who are you?"
Channel that anger, Sakaki-san had said. To properly immerse himself.
"Onii-chan?"
His hands look red. If he blinks a few times, the bright crescents from his nails digging in grow fainter.
It's Saki. She's holding a cake, which she sets down on the counter gracefully. He had told his family to leave him alone for a while, right.
"Sorry I'm late! But, I brought a cake for us both-!"
She smiles. He cherished that smile. He lived for it, he worked to bring it back, and now it was there more often than not. Saki... Saki matters so much more.
Mom and dad.. Mom and dad...
"Saki... You've helped me so much."
"E-eh? Well, I'm glad!"
"But I need one more thing from you."
Saki nods enthusiastically. The sight sends a sharp pang through his chest.
"Absolutely do not speak to me until the show is finished."
That smile falls. She looks more shocked than anything else, though it turns into a look of hurt, then contemplation, resignation and confusion.
She's not an actor. She wouldn't understand everything he must do for a role fully, so she accepts it. Not like he ever backs down anyway.
She can forget him. Not just her... Mom and dad..
"A-ah– onii-chan..?", she asks, hesitant now. He vaguely processes the harsh grip he has on her shoulders, and stares at the lively, pink eyes of his little sister.
They're shaking now, what does he think about that? She knows he's there. It's relieving, for some reason. Perhaps it was even cute, how she reacted to her older brother. His breathing is ragged and low. Because he can be so easily forgotten. It's okay to- go a little further, push harder; he should matter. He shouldn't be forgotten, like one single grain of sand in a beach.
Does he have something on his face? Saki is making a weird expression. Not just weird. Scared. Her body is shaking, is he pressing too hard? If he pressed harder, into that supple neck, he'd cut off airflow.
She's mouthing words that he can't make out. Are they for him? He recalls this face, back in a younger Saki. He had tried to get rid of it, like a good older brother. Put a smile on it, because he knew she was the one person who truly loved him.
She can't forget that.
"...n-nii-chan, please stop...", she whispers, but seems unable to push him away. Conflicted. Confused. Perhaps a mix of the two.
She's trying to avert eye contact. Why? Does she know who he is? Does he matter to her? To mom or dad?
That pisses him off.
Saki grunts when her back roughly hits the wall. Tsukasa has a glazed over look in his eyes, empty and desperate. It's unsettling. He doesn't seem like the older brother she knew right now. Recently, he has been acting strange, to be honest. He mentioned how challenging the role he got was, but to be affecting him to this degree?
She moves to say something more, before his hands wrap around her neck.
This can't be real. Tsukasa would never hurt her. He cried when he saw her in pain, when she was hospitalised, when she was sad he'd be with her through every moment he could. Her breath hitches. She can feel her throat convulse under his palms.
Her lips are trembling. She feels like screaming, or resisting, but she's too overcome with shock and fear - overwhelming dread that envelops her fully. Carefully, she holds onto his arm, gently trying to pry it away.
Tsukasa tries to press harder. He feels sick. His vision is hazy. Saki is staring at him. She sees him - her older brother. He'd never hurt her, he'd never even wish to see her in pain. This is wrong. He feels nauseous. The look on her face is wrong. She knows him, remembers him, loves him - mom and dad too, them too, he can't... He can't imagine her dead.
He stumbles back with a hissing intake of the breath. Out of the corner of his vision, Saki looks relieved. There's red on his hands again. A much deeper, marroonish red, on her neck too, bloodshot and lifeless eyes that look through him. Tsukasa gasps, slapping himself.
"Onii-chan!", alarmed, his little sister pulls his hands away from his stinging cheek. Why is she touching him, even after what he just did? She's still shaken, evidently, but she still hugs him when he sobs, still wipes his tears, still sits there with him despite him trying to kill her.
Even when he calms down, she's there, asking him gentle questions, asking him what happened, these things he can't bring himself to answer in his state of shame.
"Onii-chan... you're scaring me... please, just talk to me..."
Like Nene, he can still imagine his hands around her neck. To release his anger, to squeeze until there was no buzzing silence, it's tempting at the least.
"I don't... I don't matter! Not to mom and dad... Because Saki... Saki...."
He glares at his little sister. She flinches, shrinking back. Somehow it's satisfying.
"Saki too... Saki too!"
To kill her... He'd be the only one left. A family just for him, not to be forgotten-
A calm, gentle voice pulls him back from those painful memories. A lullaby, living and patient and for him. For him, no one else.
Saki is singing to him - Twinkle twinkle little star - the song he had always thought was reserved for the both of them in it's own, quiet way. The Tenma siblings, always together, playing with small hands on the same piano.
"...how I wonder what you are," she finishes, smiling at him. Tsukasa stares back, though it's with a look tinged with surprise. She's still holding his hands, he realises. When did his little sister get so dependable and responsible? When did she become the caretaker?
"Are you with me again?"
He nods, slumping into her chest.
"...I'm...'m sorry, Saki... I'm sorry, I was—"
"It's okay, onii-chan. It's okay, I won't forget you." She sounds earnest, yet a little sad. Tsukasa hates hearing that confliction in her voice, when he's always wanted her to be at peace. But this is his fault, isn't it?
"....how do you..."
"I spoke to Rui-kun and the others. I suspect that part of your character was what was bothering you, yeah?" Saki had been worried about him. It was that fear of losing him, how much she depended on him and loved him, and that part of herself that was scared of him going too far away, so much that she couldn’t reach him. Rui had shared her sentiments.
Tsukasa nods.
"...you should talk to me more. I'm still your sister, and I also worry about you."
"...mm."
"You should take a break from this for a while. At least today." She says, sternly. Tsukasa isn't used to this strict Saki at all; it sounds like she won't let him refuse.
But the prospect still makes him uneasy. A day...? But, what would Sakaki-san say? He should be focused, this is what it's like to be an actor, he shouldn't... Give up because it's hard.
He moves to protest, but Saki shushes him and offers to make some tea for now.
"...and we are talking about this more, onii-chan. Especially after what you tried to do."
Tsukasa whimpers. When did Saki get so scary?