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The decision to get away from L.A. for a while wasn’t an easy one.
It just – he was trying to fulfill Bobby’s last request, but the team, the 118, they just weren’t letting him and wasn’t doing him any good.
He thought, vaguely, that Eddie coming back would help, but all it did was cause more chaos, more hurt.
No one wanted to let him help them and it … the 118 wasn’t a family anymore.
So, he had to leave.
At least for a little while. At least until it stopped hurting so much.
… maybe he got a little bit of the runner gene that Maddie had for so long after all.
Maybe he wanted to leave before he got left.
So… he decided to go on a soul-searching trip.
He had a surprising amount of time available to him – despite all the time that he’s taken off for death-defying incidents at work. Sometimes, he wonders how he could be so lucky when Bobby wasn’t.
But it’s no surprise that just driving in whatever direction called to him, eventually lead here.
It took some time, of course, and he’d been gone so long the weather was … not it.
It’s not at all what he was used back in L.A., though the snow was beautiful.
Minnesota was beautiful.
Bobby always talked about it with such fondness and always teased him about growing up in Pennsylvania and not caring or being used to the snow. Maybe he should’ve come to visit with him sometime.
Now, it’s too late.
There had been a part of him that wished Athena hadn’t chosen to bury him with his first family, but that part of him was selfish. He wanted to – to be able to talk to Bobby whenever he wanted, visit his grave, feel him in a way that he hasn’t been able to since he lost him.
And standing here, now, with flowers that he’s not actually sure that Bobby would even like (there’s so many things he’s discovered that he didn’t know and now it’s too late to find out), he does feel him.
He doesn’t have to say anything. He doesn’t have to confess that he feels as if he’s a failure – failed the last orders the Bobby ever gave him – because Bobby knows.
He may not have the same religious belief as Bobby, but the one thing that he does want to believe in is Bobby watching over him. He could be upset or disappointed in Buck, but he would still watch over him, wishing he could help him because that’s who he was.
Bobby loved Buck. Those were his last words to him.
And he hadn’t said it back.
It breaks his heart a little bit.
“I’m sorry, Pops.”
“Whatever for, Buck?”
He jumps. He hadn’t heard the sounds of her footsteps and certainly hadn’t expected someone to be at the cemetery in snowy weather after sundown.
Especially not someone that lives thousands of miles away in L.A.
“Athena, hi – I – what are you doing here?” he stutters.
He hadn’t seen her since the funeral. Since she and her kids had gotten on a plane to lay Bobby to rest here.
As far as he knew, she was grieving on her own. Avoiding everyone. Blaming Chimney a little. Maybe blaming him, too.
He tried once or twice to reach out, but he was never really close to her. Not like Bobby.
They were connected through Bobby (and Hen), but particularly, Bobby, and he just – he was the one that had to tell her and it just – he felt like he failed her. After everything they did that day… to have everything fall apart like that, anyway.
It wasn’t the great moment they expected when they finally got the antidote.
It wasn’t quite the win.
Sure, Chimney survived, but Bobby didn’t, and they hadn’t even known.
It was more of a loss than a win.
“I make the trip out here once a month. Figure that he doesn’t exactly have a lot of people come to visit him.”
She gives him a soft smile. A genuine smile. A healed smile.
The kind of smile you give when you can talk about a loss and the ache isn’t so piercing that it takes your breath away. The smile that he can’t quite give yet.
“I should’ve known I’d find you here, someday,” she offers as she places her flowers on his grave. “I’m sorry, Buck.”
“What for?” Buck questions.
Athena had a right to grieve more than he did. He was probably just… being ridiculous like someone else said.
She gives him a sad, slightly heartbroken look. “The day you left L.A., Hen told me, and I – I tried to call you.”
“I left my phone behind. Told Maddie I’d send her postcards,” Buck admits.
He didn’t want texts and calls of people telling him that he was being ridiculous. That he was overreacting or something. He just… wanted space.
To deal with failing on Bobby’s last request. To deal with his loss.
“I know, but I never got to –,” the wind blows a bit too hard, cutting her since it’s a bit too loud. She grabs his arm. “Let’s go somewhere a little more warm and less windy.”
It’s not a request, so he nods. He supposes that he probably owes her a conversation.
It’s probably long overdue.
***
Athena was a little disappointed in herself.
She knows that Karen had been clear with her that she was allowed to be unfair while she was grieving. That she didn’t owe anyone anything.
Her friends understood.
Her kids understood.
She lost her husband, and she was allowed her own feelings.
But when the LAFD had contacted her with the family letters that every firefighter writes for the … if the worst happens… seeing that letter for Buck had – had made her realize that while she and Buck were… friends … of a sort, he always meant more to Bobby than anyone else on his team.
He loved his team, but Buck… well, he was basically a son.
And that letter… amongst hers, May’s and Harry’s… really showed that.
And she knows that while Bobby would understand her pain, her grief, that he would’ve been disappointed that she hadn’t checked in on him.
Especially since as the widow, she got a lot of the attention and support, and as it turned out… he’d been left to his own devices.
And it got so bad that he left.
It broke her heart, but at least now, she can make up for it.
Make Bobby proud that she didn’t let the man he saw as a son down.
She’s not surprised that he’s been camping out in his jeep because of course he has, so she insisted that he came back to her hotel, ordered room service, and now sits with a Buck that still looks far too lost. Maybe a little heartbroken. And not at all like he’d been taking care of himself.
As she takes him in, she notices a new tattoo on the inside of his arm between his wrist and elbow. A firetruck with a little 118 written on it. Above it is Captain Bobby Nash in an arc and below it is Best Pops In The World and two dates – birthday, deathday.
She reaches out without thinking, tracing over the letters. “A new tattoo?”
Buck shrugs, not looking at her, but not taking his arm away from her. “Hey, we all have things we do to cope – I get new tattoos.”
“It’s lovely, Buck,” she says, softly, looking up and connecting her eyes with his. “Bobby would’ve loved it.”
“If Bobby were here…” he trails off because he doesn’t have to explain, they both know. He clears his throat and looks away. The heartbroken look in his eyes impossible to miss. “How have you been? You look good.”
Athena nods. “It took a while. Bobby’s letter helped, but I think – I wasn’t made to wallow. Going back to work really helped, the kids moved back into the house – I was going to sell it, but he put so much heart into making it ours…”.
He’s nodding with her words like he gets it.
“… the kitchen could use a new chef, though.”
He chuckles, slightly. “Bobby never taught you to cook?”
“No, he said he was only going to teach his family recipes to someone that wanted to learn and frankly, I was more interested in eating than learning.”
She’s joking, and it earns her a shake of the head and a laugh. A small one.
“Who then?” When it’s not clear what he’s asking, he adds, “Will be the new chef, Harry?”
“I was thinking – you,” she offers.
“Me?” He’s blinking, voice a little higher than usual like he’s not sure he heard her right.
“Yes, you,” she repeats with a smile, letting go of his arm and reaching into her bag. Though she hadn’t expected to see him, she’s been carrying Bobby’s Buck letter around in the hopes that someday she could give it to him. “I think it would make us all happy … if you want, of course. There’s room – if you wanted to stay for a while. I heard Eddie took his house back.”
Buck nods. “Yeah, he did, but that’s not – that’s not the only reason I left. I failed Bobby and –”
“He would never see it that way,” Athena interjects, sliding the letter across the table. “He loved you, Buck. He thought of you as his kid, even if he never said it, I’m telling you –”
“He did,” Buck interrupts, sniffling as he traces the letters of his name on the envelope. “He said it that day. Right after he told me to look after everyone because they were going to need me.” His voice lowers and he nearly mumbles low enough that she couldn’t hear – nearly. “If only he knew that they wouldn’t let me. Knew how wrong he was. Or maybe I’m just not good enough, defective…”
“Buck,” Athena states, a bit sternly, causing him to look up. “It is not your fault that Bobby was wrong, alright? He – he didn’t know how any of us would react to losing him. And especially like that.”
Buck huffs, looking away. “I just – I tried, but they –”
“I know,” Athena offers, softly. She’d heard it from Karen when Hen had been distraught at finding out from Chimney, who found out through Maddie, that Buck had asked for space and up and left not two months after Bobby’s loss. “Everyone else had other each other to lean on and they didn’t – they didn’t do right by you. It wasn’t fair, and it left you to wallow and – and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that they all … forgot … that Bobby was so much more to you and you to him and that – that you would probably need a lot of support. I’m sorry that I didn’t consider you.”
“I’m not – you don’t have to –”
He’s stuttering, not looking at her.
She reaches across the table and runs her hand over the tattoo. “We may not have been close, Buck, but I knew how close you and Bobby were and I – I should’ve made sure that you were here … when we buried him, and I should’ve – should’ve answered you when you checked in and checked in on you. I wasn’t alone in my grief and maybe if I remembered that you wouldn’t be traveling the States living in your car, grieving on your own.”
“I don’t – I can’t –” he coughs, clearing his throat. “I have been a burden my entire life, I didn’t want to burden you.”
“You’re not a burden,” she insists, trying not to cry for this poor man that truly believes that. “Bobby didn’t see you that way, and I certainly don’t, but I – I get it if you need some time. So… just, read the letter. Take your time, and you know where I live. Me, May, Harry… we’d be happy to welcome you home when you’re ready.”
“I appreciate that.”
***
Buck drives Athena to the airport.
She doesn’t push him. Just makes him a promise: We’ll be here when you’re ready.
And he takes it heart, even if he doesn’t know that he’ll ever be ready.
***
It takes months.
The weather in L.A. is a lot warmer than some of the places that he’s been, but that’s to be expected.
The days are already long, he’s seen many people out surfing as he drives along the coast. The sun is shining as he pulls into the drive.
He’s still not sure about this, but Bobby’s letter sits his passenger seat. A reminder that he loves – loved – him and that it’s okay to rely on the people that love him, too. That he doesn’t always have to face this alone and while they may have fallen to pieces at first, they’re a family and they’ll make it work.
He just has to be willing to try, again.
He parks and hesitates a bit.
No one knows that he’s hoping to come back. He’d been sending Maddie postcards, called her from a pre-paid phone (that he’s surprised still exists) a few times, but hadn’t given any indication that he was ready to come back, yet.
Even though it’s been more than a year since Bobby passed.
It’s been almost a year since Buck left.
Well, technically, it’s a year to the day.
But he’s ready to return… if they’ll have him.
He takes a deep breath and climbs out of his jeep.
Still processing a bit when the door opens.
It’s Athena, followed by May and Maddie and Hen and Karen… he somehow missed that? He doesn’t see Chimney or Eddie or Harry, but Jee comes running through the crowd of women to hug him.
He squats down and opens his arms to welcome her into them. She’s gotten so big in the last year, but he still manages to swing her around, listening to her giggle.
By the time he puts her back on her feet, he’s met with the women in his life that he probably let down by disappearing.
May hugs him first, but only because Maddie has a beautiful baby boy on her hip. He’d met the baby briefly before he left. The name had quite literally ripped his heart in two. It was part of his struggle before he left.
He just… he couldn’t deal with that strong of a reminder so soon.
Maddie hands the baby to Karen, before she envelopes him in a hug so tight he’s worried she might never let go, but Hen lightly nudges her and hugs him with whispered apology that he shakes his head at. Karen has given the baby back to Maddie for her hug and finally, it’s Athena’s turn.
“Welcome home, Buck,” she says as she hugs him. A hand ruffling his hair that he’s grown out a bit.
“Happy to be home, if you’ll still have me,” he offers as they let go.
“Always.”
“Good,” he says with a smile and Jee claps her hands.
“Will you make the famous lasagna?”
He grins. “I’d be happy to.”
“Good because our kitchen needs a chef, and we’ve got a lot to catch up on.”
“That we do,” he agrees.
Jee leads the way into the house as Maddie and May link their arms through his as if worried that he might disappear again, and all he can think is Bobby would be happy he’s home – exactly where he’s always meant to be.
Now and forever.