Work Text:
It was a warm summer day. The birds were singing and the sun was glowing in the sky like a glowstick.
In an ideal world, Michael Kaiser would be at home in his favorite bathrobe, larping alcohol by drinking apple juice out of a martini glass with his loyal manservant Alexis Ness standing nearby, ready to pour him more.
In the present and shitty situation, Kaiser is standing like a bum in an empty makeup store trying not to pass out at the thick blend of fragrances molesting his nostrils.
-
Why is he even here? Great question. Noa has decided that the reason for Kaiser’s nasty temper and demented king complex is probably because he’s been single for too long, and having a partner might fix him and make him more agreeable.
Having been presented a few days ago with a list of women (and a couple of men) that have expressed interest in him, Kaiser had circled a random name off it to shut Noa up.
He liked being single, okay? He liked independence, and going home whenever he wants, and opening the door to a warm dinner made by good, faithful Ness, and getting a head massage from Ness, and listening to Ness read him a bedtime story-
Ah, he’s off topic.
Anyways.
Kaiser is going on a date with a girl in a couple of hours, and he’s in this makeup shop that Noa had rented out for him to avoid paparazzi, saying quote unquote “You BETTER pick out an acceptable gift for her, or SO HELP ME I WILL-”
Kaiser didn’t hear what he said after that. He had Ness hang up.
-
With his thoughts pulled back to reality, Kaiser looked around the shelves. It was full of peculiar little bottles and tubes and sticks and boxes.
Pondering a little, Michael Kaiser came to the stunning realization that he knew jack shit about makeup.
“Say, Ness,” Kaiser commanded, whipping his head around. “Do you happen to know anything about makeup?”
“Not a lot, Kaiser…” Ness said, bright red and looking ashamed. “The only thing I recognize is the lipsticks over there.”
“We can work with that. Good boy, Ness.” Kaiser said as he ran his fingers through Ness’s hair, just like how every other regular guy compliments their manservant.
Kaiser made his way to the lipstick display in a way he considered rather regal, with Ness trailing behind him and slowly transitioning from red to purple.
Reaching the lipsticks and picking a few up to inspect them, Kaiser was pleased that the staff took the time to switch all the samples to fresh tubes prior to their arrival.
Then he realized that he had no idea how to tell the difference between the effects of each one. Genuinely, what in god’s name are all these adjectives and why can’t he understand them when he puts the words together?
Just when he is at a stalemate with the lipsticks, a brilliant idea traverses up Kaiser’s two blue rat tails and into his brain.
“Ness, come over here.” He purred, gripping a lipstick in his hand like a shiv.
“Y-y-y-y-yes Kaiser?”
“Stand still.” Kaiser said as he uncapped the lipstick and dragged it across Ness’s lips.
He stepped back and admired his work.
Ness was looking down shyly, his already pink and pursed lips accentuated by a more vibrant color and a soft glossy shine.
Kaiser felt his stomach flip. He blinked and shook himself.
“Wipe it off, Ness. You look like a clown.”
Ness wiped it off.
Kaiser felt… disappointed? Confused and a little warm, he pointed at Ness.
“Try the rest yourself and find a good one. I’m not putting it on for you.”
“Okay, Kaiser…” Ness smiled at him pleasantly and blushed.
Kaiser grinded his teeth together as he sat down on a nearby stool and refused to address any of the thoughts in his head.
After watching Ness try about twenty lipsticks in shades ranging from clear to coral to pink to purple to bright red to maroon and even blue and black for some unknown reason, Kaiser suddenly had another thought pop into his deliberately emptied mind.
It was a date… which meant he may get kissed… which meant… he’s gonna have a massive red ring on lips like a clown… clown… Yoichi Isagi…
Kaiser felt his asscheeks clench in rage at the thought of his stupid ahh rival.
Fuck! That’s NOT happening!
He needs to find a lipstick… that doesn’t transfer!
His vision blurred as he leapt up from the stool and charged in Ness’s direction.
In hindsight, could he have just put lipstick on his hand and kissed it? Maybe. Is this a normal and totally common first instinct to have towards your teammate/servant/dog/friend? Probably not.
But in that moment, Michael Kaiser grabbed Alexis Ness and planted a massive, wet and aggressive kiss onto his lips.
The saleslady, who had been behind the counter this entire time, closed her eyes numbly and tried to not give in to the voices in her head.
After Kaiser had finished passionately osculating Ness for about a solid minute and a half, he pulled away and blinked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He was disappointed when there was a crimson mark on it.
“Uh, Ness,” Kaiser muttered. “It wasn’t waterproof. We gotta try another one.”
The saleslady clapped her hands to her face and sunk out of view.
“Oh, KAISER! I’d do anything for you!” Ness cried, his face beet red and his legs trembling.
They tried 7 more lipsticks before Kaiser pulled away.
“Uh, Ness,” Kaiser mumbled. “I’m kinda boned up right now.”
Ness was too dazed to respond, his eyes unfocused and his entire body at a dangerously high temperature.
Kaiser looked wildly around as he tried to cross his legs to hide it. He nearly jumped when he locked eyes with the saleslady crumpled in a defeated heap behind the counter.
“Oh, uhm, we’ll take everything that was just tried on,” Kaiser managed to grit out. “Please wrap it up and send it to this address”
Then he picked Ness up like a sack of potatoes and ran.
-
Kaiser, wheezing from breaking the speed limit as he had just basically flown the car back to his apartment, slammed his bedroom door shut and deposited Ness on the bed.
“Ness,” he said, bright red and somehow still bricked up. “Let’s have a conversation.”
Ness, bless his soul, responded by wrapping his legs around Kaiser’s waist.
And everything went to shit from there.
-
It was another warm and summer day, the birds were still chirping, and the sun was still glowing like a big glowstick.
Kaiser sat up on his bed. He was sore all over, covered in scratches and hickeys. As expected, since he slept with Ness last night and Ness kept biting and scratching him while getting pounded…
…
HE SLEPT WITH NESS!?!?
But why??? Why the hell would Ness let him do that to him??????
Holy shit, did he force himself onto Ness-
The sheets rustled just when Kaiser is about to have an emotional breakdown.
Ness poked his head out. “Mihya?”
Mihya? Since when was Ness on “Mihya” basis with Kaiser? Well, it sounds nice. He’ll allow it.
“What is it? Uhhhh, Lexi.”
Ness burst into tears.
Oh no. Oh shit. So he- so he did-
“My magic worked! You, you do like me back…”
-what?
Ness liked him? Ness had romantic feelings for him, Michael Kaiser?
Surprisingly, Kaiser didn’t feel repulsed at all. Instead, he was shocked, and for some reason, really, really pleased, like waking up on Christmas morning to gifts and a bright, happy home.
(He can’t remember ever having that experience, but this is what it must feel like)
Kaiser looked back at Ness, who was beginning to second guess himself, and wrapped his arms around him.
“Well, if you like me that much, I might just have to make you my empress.”
“Oh, Mihya!!!”
-
The morning breeze was warm, Kaiser’s lines were corny, and Noa’s lips had finally been permanently zipped on this particular subject, at least.
The emperor and his dog have turned into Mihya and Lexi.
It was a good day.