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"You want to know something?" Hiccup dropped his gaze to the ground, watching the fire flies move about the grass. The breeze was chilly despite the unusually hot, sticky summer temperatures that tortured everyone who stepped outside just a few hours ago before sunset.
Astrid knew Hiccup had been going through some sort of thing for a while. She could tell just by looking at his eyes. He looked paler, if that was even possible. She sometimes wondered if he skipped meals even. For months, she'd watch him pick around his food with not much interest. She knew taking turns to cook with the rest of the gang was a recipe for disaster, and the food wasn't exactly appetizing, but even so, when they were back on Berk and eating in the Great Hall... his food was mostly untouched.
"What's up?" Astrid responded, trying to keep her voice as casual as she could. She figured if she pretended she didn't know, maybe Hiccup would open up more. He usually kept to himself and avoided talking about anything that troubled him. He always said he didn't want to seem weak. Being sensitive wasn't a good look for the future leader of Berk.
"My Dad scolded me the other day when we were visiting. Apparently, he had seen that I tried on your kransen when we were fooling around," Hiccup put his hands in his head, his elbows on his knees. He sighed and closed his eyes.
To someone else it wouldn't seem like a big deal. But for Hiccup? He'd been picked on his entire life for being not as manly as everyone else. The lack of muscle in his arms was all the proof any other boy needed just to make even more fun of him, as if his high pitched voice wasnt enough to make him a laughing matter. Even more so his personality. Anyone that knew Hiccup growing up knew that he wasnt all that brave, sentimental and sensitive. For a viking male, thats a one way ticket to be called so many things.
Now for his own father who's already known many of these things of Hiccup, to see him wear something feminine made him earn a scolding. Was he trying to be something else?
"He asked me if I was trying to call attention to myself again. If- If I wanted to make him feel like a disappointment." Hiccup shaked his head in regret.
"Im not gay or bisexual or- or anything," he stammered quickly.
Astrid exhales with a small smile of sympathy. Her gaze on him softens and she places a hand on his back.
"I know you're not. I think we all know you're not." She replies. She pauses thoughtfully before continuing. Its obvious Hiccup isnt. He's had a crush on her ever since they were little kids and probably half the tribe knew it. "So, what are you so afraid of? I honestly don't see wrong in just playing around."
Hiccup lifts his head and turned to look at her, tears in swelling in his eyes. His green eyes seemed shiny under the moonlight. "I-I swear he thinks I'm soft..a soft boy."
"Oh Hiccup," Astrid grabs his hand with hers and holds it.
"Why would you wear that?' he told me. He looked so mad at me. Even though he didn't say much, the way he looked a-at me. I feel like a failure."
Astrid rubs her thumb over her hand, attempting to comfort him. She was never good at comforting people nor expressing her own feelings either. But for Hiccup, she was willing to try.
"I know how you feel," she starts saying after a long moment.
"I know how it feels to feel like you need to live up to some standard created by man. I mean, as a viking, I think we all know what everyone has to live up to. Being courageous and the strongest of them all. Having to compete with incompetent mutton heads for even a hint of recognition and respect as a woman. And once you get it, you loose yourself. Its not a trophy but something you still have to fight for. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to be born a male. But what's the fun in that? So I could be just like everyone else? Men can't always get all the credit."
Hiccup stares at Astrid with a look of confusion, his head slightly tilted. She stares back and realizes she maybe got a bit carried away.
"Oh, sorry." She pushes her bangs away from her face and sits up straighter. "I, got ahead of myself. Sorry."
"N-No thats okay. No worries," he reassures her.
"What I was, well, trying to say was that you dont have to be like everyone else. Maybe you dont have as much muscles as anyone else or maybe your voice isn't as deep. But I like that about you. I like the fact that I can carry you and take you down in a fight." She smiles playfully.
Hiccup chuckles softly. "Well, thats because youre strong."
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean you aren't."
"Physically, but emotionally im not."
Astrid scoots closer and hugs Hiccup, holding him close to her. He's surprised at first, his arms stiff at his side. But after a moment he hugs her back, wrapping his arms around her too.
"What was that for?" Hiccup asks after she releases him. She looks down at the ground and shrugs slightly. "Just for being you. I love how sensitive you are."
Hiccup blinks, surprised. "When has that ever been a good thing, especially for someone like me?"
"It’s always been a good thing. People lack that. And thats what makes you different. It’s what makes you such a great friend, a great leader," Astrid looks back up into his eyes with a smile. "And uhm, a great boyfriend."
"Being vulnerable isn't a bad thing and being not that manly isn't bad either. And honestly, it’s not wrong to explore and play around." She adds quietly, reaching up to run her fingers through Hiccup's hair. She re-braids his hair, adding a third one on the other side of his head. "To be feminine is to be strong."
Hiccup looks up at her with a half smile.
"Its okay to not have it all figured out yet. Ill always love you the same. With all I am." She runs her hands down his hair onto his face and holds with with both her hands, looking into his eyes.
"And for the record," She closes the gap between them, kissing him softly on the lips.
"I've always thought you were pretty."