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maybe in another life, i survived.
somewhere beyond where my mind can stretch. beyond the endless vastness of this thick iron liquid. where the red has since faded, an old stain that has been put through the wash too many times to cling on any longer.
perhaps there, you rescued me.
i dont know you. i dont know your name, or your face. maybe you are a man, maybe a woman. you could be neither. but i know so much about you already.
youre funny. you make me smile and laugh. and your eyes are warm and inviting, too soft for the sharp irisis i possess.
you dont mind, though.
i know how clumsy you are, and how you never could get your glasses to stay on your face. i remember— waking up, seeing you. learning everything about you just because i want to. letting my thoughts spill over onto my mouth, and flow into yours through the most and only gentle way i know how to.
maybe in another life, you saved me.
not in this one.
i get dragged down further, further still, sinking deeper into my hand-carved tomb.
you pass by. i dont know where you are, if you are anywhere at all. maybe youre in another universe. maybe youre billions of light years away. maybe youre right in front of me.
but it doesnt matter, in the end.
we never met.
i never learned your name.
and yet, i feel a longing. some part of me will always belong with some part of you. i cant deny it or change it. i know fate will reunite us, in another life, with better circumstances.
i can see it now.
i didnt know your name right away in this one, either. i dont know what drew me to you. maybe the joy in those blue eyes ive spent so long staring at, or the way you smiled and waved at me from across the store. it made my heart ache with such a painful familiarity. i simply had to say something.
and so i did.
i can picture how youd light up. i know you can feel it too. like some people are simply not whole, but rather, theyre carrying around half of themself and half of another person.
you own a piece of my being.
i own a piece of yours.
its a funny thing, the universe. always seems to drag you back into the same looping motions. try to break the cycle, and you just end up etching a new one over those familiar old marks.
an endless rotation of blank bullets. its not for lack of better options, which i still doubt there are, but for comfort. theres solace in knowing what to expect.
maybe it was always meant to be this way.
forever circling each other, never meeting. every day a narrow miss.
but that cant be right.
rather, we just couldnt meet in this life.
you were meant to be held in the version of my hands that have never known the feel of blood, or the cold texture of a lifeless corpse.
and in this life, i was meant to be what everyone already knew me as. the butcher. my touch is rough and painful. yours is soft and tender. you would crumble and falter if i ever was selfish enough to take you.
im afraid to think of what would have happened if we met. maybe we did. im not sure if i would know right away that its you.
im graced with a few last pieces of knowledge. its as if they are coming to me in memories. i can only assume they are gifts from the Light— all about you, and about us.
both of us have been sent for noble causes. we never were that brave, were we?
maybe thats why we never met. neither of us wanted to be in this situation. neither of us ever chose to be where we are.
at the bottom of a blood ocean, in a wasteland of a universe.
in a spaceship nobody thought would work, traveling forwards to the only place youll ever see again.
maybe in another life, you were there.
it could be similar to this one. so similar that it makes my heart ache to think about what couldve been.
im still drowning in this imaginary one. the iron lung is sinking, being crushed, folding in on itself. im sure its over.
then… something is raising it. a sea, parting to reunite two strangers.
im fading, its almost too late, and then—
you pull me out. i take a breath of air, my lungs filling with something i thought they never would again.
i curl up in those blessed arms and finally, im safe. finally, im not the only one who wants to live.
i look up to see my savior, and all i see is you.
it has always been you.
ive known this for as long as ive known my own name. you would care to learn it, im sure. how heartfelt you are, how selfless, to take me on board.
mend my wounds, treat me like im more than worthy of the love you havent given in so long.
nothing i do could ever show how much i truly adore you.
maybe in another life, i learned your name.
it could be alice.
or cory.
anything, my saving grace.
but ill never know. just like youll never know mine.
so similar to when an asteroid gets close to a planet, but just narrowly misses.
it might even get caught in orbit for a moment before flying off into the depths of the inky black.
i know this is what happened to us.
we were so, so close. but not close enough. youll pass by. perhaps youll feel the same longing that i do. like theres something missing. i know i could fill that gap.
just for a second, youll be pulled into my orbit.
but youll continue on. learn to push down the feeling that youre without something. and youll go your life without even knowing of my existence, hurtling through space as an incomplete being.
maybe in another life, i get to live.
thats all ive wanted. why doesnt anyone else want that?
but these fantasies are meaningless. blood rushes into my lungs, pulling me down. i see the faint flickering of a life vest. they will find it. they will save everyone.
not me.
ill always be known as a living slaughterhouse. a butcher. youll always be known as a hero, because you are one. you were too brave. i was too self-centered.
after all, this is more than me, isnt it?
i will die knowing i did a good thing. the COI will rejoyce, and… then what? theyll fight anyways. theres no answers down here, in this red hell.
that man was right.
they have gotten their execution.
i will never obtain my freedom.
nevertheless, i tried. i did all i could. that eases my conscience a bit.
i sink deeper, to the bottom of the ship. i feel my awareness slipping.
then, in the jaws of Her, it happens.
the seed i always carried with me. for sentiment, if not value.
it bursts, and…
thousands of vines, thick, spreading, breaking Her teeth and burrowing into every crevice.
eden’s child, the last one to be forsaken, has become a vessel for the Tree, which will be endlessly feeding off of this sea of blood.
the remains of my life drip out of my mouth.
i am gone
but
maybe in another life
you were there
to save me.