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“Seems a lot has changed since I've been gone.” Ted whistled and pulled up his sunglasses. “Want to fill me in?”
Beard held the clipboard in his hand and tapped it with a pen. “Roy's got a new way to keep them jogging and on their toes. Just another normal day at Nelson Road Stadium.”
“Well, that's efficient.” Ted watched Colin scream his head off when Roy sped behind him and hollered for him to go faster. “When did Roy get a Segway?”
“Rebecca got it for the club the day you called in sick.”
Ted's brows shot up, and his body shook with excitement. “Whoa, do we all get Segways?”
“No, just Roy. Says it's for medical use. Made some good points, too. Won't share the thing. Begged and nada.”
Ted frowned, shoulders slumped. “Not fair. I want to ride a Segway and spank bottoms! Seems fun.”
“Don’t we all, Ted. Don't we all,” Beard sighed. “At least it's nice to see Roy smile.”
Ted hummed and brought his attention to Roy, far off in the distance, and laughed.
Roy rode the Segway with a long paddle in hand, driving carefully along the sidelines where the lads were jogging. He yelled for the muppets to keep at it, his threats loud and clear. Those who lagged had their bottoms smacked with an unforgiving paddle without warning until they picked up the pace.
Colin had escaped the paddle, but now Roy's attention was on Jan Maas, who lagged behind Arlo and Sasha. He was drenched and panting, slowing down with every step.
“Oh, oh, oh!” Ted and Beard oh'ed together when Roy approached like a shark from behind, paddle raised and ready to strike, the Jaws theme playing in their heads. They wanted to yell at Jan Maas to watch out for the danger about to bite him, but that would take away the fun.
“Is he—Ye-ouch! Right between the cheeks!” Ted gasped and flinched, and Beard shook his head when Roy’s arm went down, and the paddle hit Jan Maas on his butt hard, making him jump onto his tippy toes.
Jan Maas’s yelp carried through the wind and up to the sky, where the birds sang back down. Rarely did the Dutchman express anything other than dry humour and snickering laughter, and hearing him shriek and panic was a sight for sore eyes.
“Wow, this is entertaining. Roy’s quite graceful on that darn thing. A knight and his steed.” Ted twirled the end of his mustache, eyes on Sam, who was none the wiser about Roy’s paddling arm. “Better than the red string idea he had.”
“Are you sure about that?” Nate piped up from behind them with a tray of coffees and a worried look on his face. “I think Roy’s permanently implementing this routine…”
“Nate! Good to see you again,” Ted greeted, and gave Nate’s shoulder a gentle shake, taking a coffee. He gave it a whiff and sighed. “Nothing beats a good ol’ cup of joe. Now, Nate, what's so bad about Roy chasing the fellas down on his fancy new ride? They all seem to be having fun!”
Nate opened his mouth to answer, but all three whipped their heads to a cry. Roy was swatting at Sam’s backside, his yelps outmatching Jan Maas’s, but the look on Sam’s face told them Roy wasn’t too hard on him—his grin obvious. It wasn’t every day Sam got spanked, and when he did, Roy never went hard on the lad.
“Sam! I'm counting on you! Don't slack off, you muppet!” Roy yelled at Sam, his encouraging words and swatting giving Sam the boost to dash off to the front, where Isaac and Dani ran.
Jeff was the new target, and Roy's Segway sped off for that unswatted bottom.
“Well, for one, sore bottoms on the field could make them run less fast. Pain is hard to deal with,” Nate continued solemnly, and Ted gave a nod in understanding.
“They should be running faster than a grandpa on a scooter going less than 10 miles an hour,” Beard chortled, taking a coffee and sipping the hot drink straight without flinching. “Teach them to stop slacking on their routine and diets.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that, Beard! Nate might be—ouch!” Ted flinched when the sharp slap of the paddle hit Jeff's cheeks, the sound loud and Jeff's cries louder. “Man, Roy's packing the punches today.”
“He has too much pent-up energy.” Beard's head nodded towards the bleachers. “Can’t swat the one person that takes it all.”
The three craned their heads over at Jamie, sitting on the bleachers, leg in a cast and propped up with a pillow. His arms were crossed, and the pout was distinguishable from where they stood. Crutches were resting beside him, shiny and new, and a mini cooler on the other side that Ted assumed had water or ice packs.
“What happened there?” Ted asked, with his attention back to Roy hounding on Jeff with the paddle. At some point, Jeff escaped the swats, rushing past Timothy and Moe, and they were next if they didn’t hurry.
Nate chuckled. “He tried to use the Segway behind Roy's back and fell. Just a bump, nothing serious. Roy is waiting for him to heal up so he can paddle him for it and other things.”
“Wait,” Ted furrowed his brow. “Roy keeps tabs on swats?”
Beard gave Ted a nod. “Yup. Nothing escapes him. He'll dig you up from your grave to deliver the blows you are owed.”
Ted wiped his forehead and clenched his own butt, a little nervous at the thought of his name being on Roy's swat tab. If he were to die right now, would Roy attempt CPR first or paddle his bottom? A mystery Ted hoped to never find out.
“Kind of odd not to see Jamie spanked for once,” Ted mused. “Gone for three days and everything's upside down.”
“Yup,” Beard agreed, finishing his coffee.
“Indeed.” Nate nodded. “Uh-oh. Seems like O'Brien might be the next knee popper…”
They all made an ouch face when O'Brien started to limp, his body struggling to go forward. Roy yelled for him to stop and gave him a lecture about how to properly take care of a bad knee. After a few smacks on the backside and a point to the entryway, O’Brien limped towards it for what they all assumed was a trip to physio.
“Think O'Brien could ask for a Segway now?” Ted sounded hopeful. Even Jamie could, and Rebecca might cave if they kept begging. “Maybe I should twist my ankle a little…”
“Maybe. Rebecca's watching as we speak and loving every second of this.” Beard looked up at the building, and Ted did the same. Rebecca stood at her window and was enjoying the chaos, drinking from her mug of what Ted knew was dirty brown water.
Ted gave her a wave and didn't stop until she took notice and waved back.
Rebecca opened her window and leaned out, waving back. “Welcome back, Ted! Hope you're feeling better!”
Ted put his drink down to cup his mouth and yelled back. “Thanks, Rebecca! Mighty fine now! Also! Could I get a Segway too?!” It didn't hurt to ask, and Ted would be lying if he weren't a little jealous of Roy’s.
She laughed and shook her head. “Possibly! If your leg were broken!”
Ted hummed to himself and gave Beard a questioning look.
“Know how to break a leg clean?” Ted asked, much to Nate’s shock.
“I have broken many,” Beard responded, and both shook on it.
“You two aren't serious… right?” Nate gulped, never sure if the two Americans were joking or being silly. “I don't think a Segway is good for the pitches grass or a broken leg.”
“Just teasing Nate!” Ted assured, but Nate saw it in his eyes that he wasn't and wouldn't be too surprised if someone came into work in a cast the next day.
Roy parked the Segway up by the bleachers where Jamie sat. The lads were doing warm-ups now, and Beard had taken over. He decided to take a break from his coaching duties and relax until it was time to set the teams.
Ted was strolling his way towards him, and Roy knew what the wanker wanted.
“No,” Roy outright rejected him when that grinning mouth opened up. “This is mine. Only I get to use it. Fuck off.”
“Come on! I want to chase the fellas a bit and do some donuts.” Ted whined with eyes big and shiny. Roy scoffed at the puppy eyes, undeterred. There was only one set of puppy eyes that made him weak, and that wasn't his niece's or actual puppies'.
Jamie spat from where he sat, his pout no more. “Roy's a cunt at sharing. I would know,” he said dejectedly, and Roy growled at him. “Snitch to the boss and she'll force the twat to share it.”
Ted clapped his hands and put them on his hips. “Technically, I am your boss, and I would very much love to have a go, pretty please. Or else I'll sneeze on you, incapacitate you, and use it when you call in sick. Or—" Ted leaned in, and Roy leaned away, shuddering from the smell of coffee and of shredded wheat.
“I'll never zip it. Never. Nope, siree! Your pick, Roy.”
Roy rolled his eyes and decided it was best to let Ted have a go, then suffer the endless yapping and fruitless, annoying threats. He trusted Ted out of everyone who asked, and that included Beard.
“Fine. You can ride it. Don't come crying to me when you fall and bitch like a baby. Ten minutes.”
“Woot!” Ted jumped on the Segway, marvelling at it for a moment. He grabbed the paddle from Roy, fumbled with the controls for a few seconds, and took off with a mad laugh.
“Watch out, fellas! I'm coming to get you! Haha!” Ted joked, swinging the paddle in the air.
The tiny screams in the distance of the team running for their lives would be music to Roy's ears if he weren't focused on something else. Stepping up onto the bleachers, careful not to trip, he made his way toward Jamie.
Jamie gave Roy the cold shoulder when he was close and a hmph! with a dramatic flick of his head up to the sky.
“Don’t be a fucking prick,” Roy grumbled, sitting beside Jamie and resting a hand on his thigh. “How's the ankle?”
“Hmph!”
“Jamie, fuck off with that.”
“Hmph, hmph!”
Roy hmph'ed himself, just as stubborn. “Fine. Be a fucking cunt. It's not my fault you fell and have to sit down all day for a week. Boo-fucking-hoo.”
“Were too! Your yelling distracted me, and I fell!” Jamie shot back and pointed to the field where Ted was chasing down the lads, his paddling hand swinging around like a maniac.
“Fucking let Ted on it, no problem! But me? I had to wait for you to take a piss to use it!”
“Because I trust Ted not to run people over.” Roy chuckled at Jamie's guilty face; the lad was unable to deny the truth. “Cheer up, you'll have a proper go at it,” he said and put his arm around Jamie’s shoulder, bringing him close.
“Really?” Jamie asked suspiciously, and he had every right to be when Roy smiled wickedly at him.
“Yes,” Roy said, arm tightening around Jamie’s shoulders, “When you're healed up, I’ll give you your deserved swats and chase that bare red arse on my Segway. Give you a five-second start.”
Jamie slowly pulled his head away to stare at Roy, his eyes squinting and face bemused. “Are you fucking joking?”
Roy poked Jamie's nose and gave him a wink without saying anything. When the screaming settled to cheers and laughter, they both turned to see Ted doing a continuous spin on one spot, paddle held high in the air.
”YAHOOOO!” Ted screamed with joy.
“Go, Ted! Go, Ted! Go, go, go Ted!” the team chanted around him, bouncing and dancing, and no longer afraid.
“The grass! The grass, Ted! You're going to leave a hole! Will someone think of the grass?!” Nate yelled in a panic, scrambling around the wall of men. Ted started driving out of the circle and began to chase Nate, trying to swat his bottom.
“Come here, Nate!”
“AH! TED! NO!” Nate shielded his butt with his hands, running straight to Beard for protection.
“That could have been me,” Jamie sighed dreamily. "Chasing your arse and smacking it.”
Roy huffed, scowling. “Banned.”
“Fuck you.”
“Na.”
“Go away and do your job and lemme alone!” Jamie squirmed out of Roy’s grip, crossing his arms and flicking his head up again, but without the sass and flare. “Hmph!”
“You’re right. I got bottoms to attend to.” Roy got up with a slap to Jamie’s knee, using it to lift himself to his feet. Before he left, he gave Jamie a small kiss on his head, and Jamie muttered wanker and ol’ twat under his breath but didn’t pull away.
Higgins knocked on the door of Rebecca’s office and walked in without waiting for a response. He paused mid step when her laughter broke out. She was at the window, hands over her mouth and head back, her body vibrating with such glee that Higgins had to ask.
”Rebecca, what’s so funny?” He’d seen her laugh to the point of almost falling, but this one was a contagious that he couldn’t help but smile and laugh with her without knowing what was happening.
“L-Leslie!” Rebecca gasped out, wiping the tears from her eyes, smearing her mascara further. “I—Look! Oh my goodness! It’s Roy!” She couldn’t explain what she was seeing and pointed out the window. “Roy! He’s—hahaha!”
Higgins rushed over, excited to see what exactly made the boss airless. At the window, Higgins’ eyes focused on the small army of men jumping around on the field, with something quite unusual happening. The distant roars of a familiar person were clear over the laughter and cheers—clearer than the blue skies that rarely came to London.
Quite a scene it was.
“Oh! Is that… Oh, my!” Higgins chuckled. “How do you suppose this happened?”
“I don’t know, but this is too funny!” Rebecca said, breathless. “Ted is dead when he’s off that thing.”
On the field, they watched Ted chase Roy at a snail’s pace on the Segway, paddle going for those steel buns. Roy’s threats went unheard, and when he tried to kick Ted off, Ted sped away on the thing to only come around and chase Roy all over again.
“I think I’m going to piss myself!” Rebecca laughed, and took out her phone and began to record. “Have to tell Keeley about this. She’ll lose it!”
“It is quite rare for Roy to get a swat on his bum,” Higgins mused and watched Ted deliver a blow to Roy’s backside that made him stagger and scream bloody murder about revenge. “I wonder when Ted’s funeral will be. Should we send our condolences now to Michelle and Henry?”
“I’m afraid so,” she agreed and held in another fit when Ted gave Roy’s backside three risky smacks in a row. “I might have to ban that thing. Starting to see some kind of sign on the grass,” Rebecca mumbled, eyes tracing the faint lines of what could be a message. “It was fun when it lasted!”
“Mhm! Now, I do have some papers for you to look over and sign off on,” Higgins ushered her to the desk and they both went over to sit down, letting their giggles wiggle out their toes.
“What are these for?” Rebecca reached over and grabbed the papers, taking a moment to read through them.
“Roy’s requested for, um, something for the team. He says it’ll make them work more efficiently."
Rebecca raised a brow and it dropped down the instant she made out what she was reading.
“Leslie. This is a torture device. A flail mace?”
“Yes, but he said he wants to replace the mace ball with a paddle and swing it around. Just to test it, really.”
“What happens to the mace ball? I know he won’t throw it out…”
“I was afraid to ask him that, Rebecca.”
They both stared at one another, their minds conjuring up the silliest to the deadliest thing Roy Kent could do with a mace and paddle.
“I don’t think I can approve this in good faith.” Rebecca was tempted to say yes just to see how it would turn out. The thought of Roy on the Segway and swinging around a flail paddle was both amusing and frightening to say the least. “What do you think?”
Higgins fixed his glasses and shrugged. “I say why not? Weirder things have happened here and the only incident we had was Jamie falling off the Segway when Roy spooked him.”
“And Jamie that one time had his cock pulled by some string. Roy’s idea. I don’t know what the fuck they were doing, but it was quite hilarious.” Rebecca said, the memory still fresh in her head. Higgins gave her a quizzical look, missing out on that day.
“Wish you were there to see it, Leslie. A bunch of men’s cocks tied to strings and running around in a panic! Jamie’s ripped off, poor lad.”
“My, my, I’m starting to see a theme here with Roy’s ideas and Jamie getting injured in some way.”
“Tell me about it…”
A faint slap was heard from the open window, followed by a lion's roar and laughter. They both giggled, and Rebecca signed the papers, approving because why the fuck not. She’d deal with the consequences after they happened and already suspected who would be the incapacitated player.
“Well, I can’t wait to see what Roy brings next. Quite an imaginative mind on that one,” Rebecca said and got up, going over to the window to keep watching. Higgins followed, and got there just in time for the Segway to die.
“Oof!” They both went when Roy grabbed Ted and forced him to the ground and on his lap. Without a moment's pause, Roy started smacking Ted’s backside, bare hand going down fast and unforgiving, with his face red—so red they could see it from where they stood. Ted yelled out his apologies and Roy yelled back for him to shut up—Beard whistled for the team to get back to work while their manager got his just deserts.
“Strange to see Ted on a lap,” Higgins said, flinching at each swat Ted got. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ted get spanked nor a day without Jamie getting a tap.”
“Me neither. Ted looks good over Roy’s lap.” Rebecca chortled. “Watch out Higgins, we might be next.”
Higgins swallowed, shaking his head quickly. “I am afraid he could kill me with just a threat of it.”
”Higgins, lighten up. Your arse is thicker than you think.”
”Not with Roy Kent on our team. His hand could penetrate anything, Rebecca. Anything.”
Rebecca opened her mouth to only shut it when she couldn’t disagree with that statement. Instead, she brought her attention back to Ted, who was kicking and banging his arms on the grass, and Roy still raining down his bare hand, with no intention to stop. She swore she could see the steam coming off of Ted’s backside and the red glow under those beige trousers, and sent a silent prayer and thought his way.
RIP, Ted Lasso, they both thought, and watched on with small smiles on their faces.