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The first mistake that Jaehyun makes is supposing at least one of his friends will be faithful to his words.
Jaehyun should have predicted his friends, horrible, worst friends possible, weren’t going to aid him in his drunk adventures. In addition, he didn’t want to attend the party because they were invited by a senior that was lurking at the exit of the freshmen classes. When the small guy handed him the flyer, all the possibilities that crossed Jaehyun’s mind were negative: seniors were looking for victims to do the typical initiation rituals, or they were simply preying on new flesh, or maybe they intended to murder their competition before they could steal their future jobs. One of the options had more weight, however, because on Jaehyun’s first day Ten and Soonyoung, who were both older than him, had told him that everyone always went to check freshmen out. It was a Tradition, with capital T. And among the hundreds of students, they picked the pretty and hot ones which, in Jaehyun’s opinion, was beyond creepy.
Needless to say, he consented to the party in the end. Ten insisted it was fun, Soonyoung said he would protect him, and Sicheng was rather enthusiastic because he’s like a little, innocent lamb asking to be eaten. Soonyoung promised him he would stick to him during the entire party to assure none of them regretted something next morning. That was the same Soonyoung that is currently making out with Ten in a not so dark corner, and the same Soonyoung that is going to regret it tomorrow. Jaehyun saw that coming, but he’s certain his two friends didn’t, more preoccupied with quarrelling every time they spend more than five minutes together.
Jaehyun hasn’t recovered from the shock of spotting Soonyoung's hand on Ten’s ass when Sicheng shows up, guileless smile and sparkling eyes. He has been missing for half an hour, now that Jaehyun notices, but it suddenly makes sense when Sicheng exclaims, “Yuta gave me his number! He said we could hook up now or he could buy me coffee any other day. That I was so pretty he would take me on a date.”
Jaehyun scoffs, but deep inside he fears for his friend’s well being tonight, “Who is Yuta?”
Sicheng points at someone across the place, and as Jaehyun turns around to follow the direction, he realizes his friend is too drunk to recognize anyone from afar. The fact that Jaehyun considers it pretty amusing, a giggle slipping through his lips, means that he isn’t that sober himself. He hasn’t drunk that much, but for sure he has drunk too fast, and when Sicheng hands him another glass, Jaehyun is irresponsible enough to not ask what it is and where Sicheng got it from.
“Don’t drink it all at once,” his friend warns him, furrowing his eyebrows.
Perhaps it’s the first time Sicheng has good advice for him, but Jaehyun doesn’t listen to him. He needs to erase the memory of Soonyoung and Ten rutting against each other, which happens to be difficult considering Jaehyun’s gaze keeps falling on them like they are magnets. Or like Jaehyun enjoys the torture, hidden masochist tendencies emerging. After swallowing all the content, throat burning, Jaehyun realizes his second mistake.
It was tequila.
It’s evident Jaehyun isn’t a great strategist, since the next morning the only image his neurons have engraved is Soonyoung groping Ten’s ass. As Jaehyun opens his eyes, for some reason without any trace of a hangover (is he still a bit drunk?), he internally curses himself. The only inconvenience, apart from his poor traumatized self, is that he can’t pretend Soonyoung and Ten didn’t make out, which would be the best for their group of friends. He hopes, for the sake of everyone, that his friends have forgotten about it, and he will carry this dark secret for the rest of his life. Like a hero.
“Get up, Soonyoung and Ten are waiting for us,” Sicheng yells at him, wet head peeking from the bathroom and soaking the floor in the process.
As usual, he’s hogging the only shared bathroom they have, and that usually means Jaehyun has to kick him out. But after a long night, he’s too tired to fight so early in the morning, and Jaehyun decides to invade the bathroom without any protest. Much to his surprise, he finds that his friend doesn’t even have dark circles from the lack of sleep. Meanwhile, Jaehyun observes himself in the mirror and admits he looks like he has come back from the death.
“Why are you… so fine?” he whines, watching in a trance how Sicheng brushes his hair. Hair that, to be honest, is worthy of a shampoo commercial.
Sicheng, who hates when Jaehyun steps into the bathroom without his permission, simply grants him an arched brow and a quick look, “Fine as in I’m hot or fine as I look like I lead an exemplary healthy life?”
In response, Jaehyun pouts. Because the correct answer is both, but Sicheng isn’t aware of how stunning he is, and therefore he isn’t as narcissist as he could be. He has a lot of potential to be, though, so Jaehyun is going to hold the beast back as long as he’s able to. “Did you really get someone’s number last night?”
Judging the panicked expression on Sicheng’s face, he was actually as wasted as Jaehyun when he did. “I did what?” he gasps, incredulous. For a moment, he stares at Jaehyun as though he’s trying to decipher the joke, but at last he repeats in alarm, “I got someone’s number last night?”
Jaehyun laughs so hard he has to lean on the sink, and Sicheng doesn’t hesitate to hit his arm, like a shy teenager with a crush. “Go check your phone, baby,” Jaehyun remarks, another fit of laughter taking over him when Sicheng runs out of the bathroom, not able to contain his excitement.
Twenty minutes later, the four of them are having breakfast, huddled around Sicheng’s phone and scrolling down Yuta’s Instagram. No one has mentioned that Soonyoung and Ten disappeared in the middle of the night, and no one asks if they woke up in the same bed. Without clothes. But the odd, peaceful behavior they are displaying can be only a consequence of sex, and both Sicheng and Jaehyun know that.
Yuta’s Instagram is nothing special. Except because his face is special, and Jaehyun can’t help but point it out when one of the first photos has him only in a black tank top, showing his collarbones and arms and, “Dude, he’s so hot.”
However, Sicheng scrunches his face, not because he doesn’t agree with Jaehyun. In fact, it may be because his opinion coincides, and he isn’t used to have dates with attractive guys, claiming that it’s easier to talk with ugly ones because he doesn’t stutter and his mind doesn’t become blank.
“This world is so unfair to me,” Sicheng laments. “I flirted with a hot guy and I can’t remember.”
Ignoring Sicheng’s sadness, Ten reaches for his phone to inspect the photos from up close. Usually, Soonyoung would intrude on his personal space too, but today he opts for sitting straight and tense. After one long minute, Ten concludes, “I think I know this guy.”
That catches Soonyoung's attention, and as he moves to look at the pictures too, he asks, “You know him?”
Ten nods, sharing a meaningful look with Soonyoung. That is the typical moment in which Jaehyun realizes they have been friends for almost two years, before Jaehyun and Sicheng entered university. It implies that they had other friends before, have interacted with way more people than them, and last but not least, they know a lot of dirty secrets from other students. Therefore, Jaehyun suspects there’s something wrong with Yuta even before Soonyoung continues, “Isn’t he like… Youngho’s boyfriend?”
They don’t pay attention to the fright that appears on Sicheng’s face, undoubtedly for the prospect of having flirted with someone who has a boyfriend and thus risking his life. As if Sicheng getting into trouble wouldn’t be a big deal, Ten just replies, “I can’t remember if they were boyfriends or they were just fucking around.”
As the good friend he is, Jaehyun pats Sicheng on the back. Whoever this Yuta guy is, he’s too damn attractive to not have a boyfriend. Or two. Jaehyun learned that the hard way. The first step is to assure his best friend isn’t going to be murdered by some brainless, scary fratboy, so Jaehyun pries, “Who is Youngho?”
Out of the blue, his friends stare at him as if he has gone nuts. Or rather, dumb. Jaehyun has no idea why, however, so to him it’s them who are acting weird. Not like they’re ever the epitome of being normal, anyhow.
Ten squints at him and tries with, “Johnny.”
At first, Jaehyun doesn’t react, unsure of why everyone expects him to recognize that name. He contemplates the name inside his mind, attempting to link it with any familiar face that he has registered before, but it’s to no avail. When he removes his gaze from his food tray, mission failed, he discovers three pairs of eyes still on him, in suspense.
Jaehyun scowls, confused, “Do I know a Johnny?”
During the next silence, Jaehyun has a revelation, one of those that change and ruin lives: the mind is a powerful tricky place, although its only aim until now was to protect Jaehyun. And it has worked, because his only memories from last night were nasty images about Soonyoung and Ten, about how difficult was to walk into the residence with Sicheng without tripping, and how the floor had decided to start moving as soon as Jaehyun lay on bed. But there is a wrapped box inside his mind, labeled as Shameful, with a tiny memory that Jaehyun hasn’t touched yet. One that he should push back to the back of his mind, with a lot of other wrapped boxes with dangerous tags.
Jaehyun unwraps it, and then he returns to the real world, his fork clattering against the table, “What the fuck did I do last night?”
While Soonyoung and Sicheng burst into laughter, Ten snaps his fingers dramatically, “There it is. He just remembered.”
This is the type of things Jaehyun was trying to avoid when he set foot in university. He didn’t want wild stories to tell their grandchildren, he just wanted a boring, calm life with an impeccable background and nothing to be embarrassed of. He cries out, “Why didn’t you stop me?”
It’s his friends’ fault, and they are aware of it, therefore Ten opens his mouth to justify their actions. Not fast enough, however, because Sicheng interrupts with a mischievous glint in his eyes, “They had their tongues inside each other’s throats.”
That silences Soonyoung's laughter right away, replaced by an expression that Jaehyun would swear is the prelude to vomiting. On the other hand, Ten just lowers his head, pretending he hasn’t heard anything.
Jaehyun turns to Sicheng, merciless, “Where were you?”
His friend doesn’t reply at first. Instead, he draws a creepy, wide smile, that for anyone would be rather cute, but Jaehyun has seen it enough times to know what it means. And then, he shoots Jaehyun down, “Uploading it to snapchat.”
Jaehyun fishes out his phone, forgotten in his bag, with trembling hands. Soonyoung is laughing again, but that might have something to do with the fact that Ten is laughing too. By the time Jaehyun manages to get a hold of his phone, it’s evident Sicheng isn’t joking.
Yes, there is a video of him dancing with a guy, a tall, attractive guy that didn’t seem the least bothered by Jaehyun’s behaviour. Not dancing, no. The exact word would be rubbing against him, or against his crotch, or humping him like an animal in heat.
Jaehyun wants to die, and bring Sicheng along with him.
“This is great,” Soonyoung comments then, watching the video on his own phone. “Both of them got involved with a couple.”
“Are we really not going to talk about it?”
Sometimes, Jaehyun can be tiresome, but it’s one of those traits he developed as a kid and it’s impossible to remove from his personality. Whether he annoys his friends on a daily basis, he can’t help it, and somehow he has grown to enjoy the frowns and whines he receives when he’s unable to just shut up.
That’s the exact look Ten is sending his way, after refusing to even acknowledge that he made out with Soonyoung. Let alone divulge what happened later, which is what Jaehyun is so curious about. “No. We aren’t,” Ten concludes as he hands Jaehyun the coffee he has bought for him.
On Mondays, only Ten and Jaehyun have a free hour in their schedule right before lunch, when Sicheng and Soonyoung join them. This has allowed them to have some heart to heart conversations, even if it happens in a cafeteria full of other students, and Jaehyun prides himself in the fact that Ten trusts him the most.
Jaehyun is certain Ten regrets buying for him when he insists, “Did you sleep with him?”
Glancing around to check if someone has caught that, which is rather weird because Ten is far from being a discreet person, he hisses, “Jaehyun!”
“I want to know!” he whines immediately, offended. Ten is his only option, because he doesn’t dare to ask Soonyoung: he is strong and feels no remorse, and it wouldn’t be the first time he leaves bruises on Jaehyun for putting his nose in his issues. “We are friends, you should be telling me this stuff.”
“I don’t want to-”
Jaehyun waves his hand to dismiss his next excuse, “Did you fuck him or did he fuck you?”
This time, Ten isn’t so scandalized, biting his lower lip as though he’s pondering how to react, how to explain something so complicated that Jaehyun wouldn’t understand. He used to be that insecure around Jaehyun when they first met, at least when it came to his affairs, but the reason was that he thought Jaehyun was straight. That went on until Sicheng ratted on Jaehyun and his embarrassing crushes on any handsome guy that even talked to him.
At last, Ten confesses, “I know that whatever I answer, you’ll be grossed out.”
“So you slept with him,” Jaehyun concludes with his best shit-eating grin, to show he’s proud of how he made Ten fall into his trap. It takes his friend several seconds to realize, but instead of getting involved in an argument, he sips on his coffee with a scowl. Jaehyun sighs, “Okay, just answer this one, and I’ll drop it. Was it good?”
Judging by how Ten’s cheeks heat up, the slightest tone of red on his skin, Soonyoung is beyond average in bed. Not that Jaehyun is interested in imagining that, just like Ten has predicted, because he needs some rest before getting a new trauma. Still, he’s satisfied when Ten mutters, “So good.”
1.05 am. From: Sicheng
Yuta asked me for your number
1.07 am. To: Sicheng
what??
context dude
1.10 am. From: Sicheng
I went on a date with him. He asked for your number
for a friend
a friend called Youngho
1.11 am. To: Sicheng
you didn’t give them my fucking number, did you?
1.11 am. From: Sicheng
no
I set up a date for the four of us
1.12 am. To: Sicheng
I’m not letting you into our room tonight you piece of SHIT
1.12 am. From: Sicheng
I’m not sleeping in our room tonight ;)
Jaehyun doesn’t agree to the date. He doesn’t, under any circumstances and not even if Sicheng attempts to blackmail him and, when that doesn’t work, reminds him he hasn’t had sex in months. According to him, Jaehyun has such high standards that he will never have a relationship that lasts more than two months. Then he claims that he has met Youngho and he’s incredibly hot and you’re going to be on your knees so soon you won’t even think about your dignity. Jaehyun values his dignity, but he’s aware it’s not that hard to lose it, so he prefers protecting it as a preventive measure.
“Weren’t they dating?” Jaehyun questions him, ignoring the insinuations and comments, supposedly tempting, that Sicheng aims at him. “What if this is some kinky swingers shit?”
Sicheng rolls his eyes. “Yuta told me he was single. And he said Youngho was his friend.”
However, Jaehyun doesn’t accept, and prepares a thousand justifications to ditch them hours before the date. He’s not the type to just swallow and put up with something he dislikes or he’s not ready to do, and maybe the universe has this knowledge about him, because it decides Jaehyun doesn’t deserve that peaceful, exemplary life. It happens like all tragedies happen: when one isn’t expecting them. Jaehyun is going back to his residence after a long day of boring lectures and stressful group assignments, and of course he’s not disposed to walk upstairs to his room. The elevator is closing when he reaches the lounge, and he fits his hand between the doors to stop it; he is triumphant, because this is probably the only thing he has done right today, until he steps in and recognizes the person inside.
Seo Youngho, Johnny, or whatever his friends actually call him, is standing in front of him, eyes flickering from the phone to his face when Jaehyun bursts into the elevator like an elephant. It’s evident the identification is mutual, because both of them stop breathing for an instant. Perhaps Youngho is surprised, since they haven’t run into each other in the few months Jaehyun has been living in the residence, or they have never caught each other’s attention. Likely, it was Jaehyun who wasn’t noteworthy for Youngho: if Jaehyun had crossed paths with this Specimen before, he wouldn’t have forgotten him. Those lips, that clear brown hair, the incredibly long legs and the way his body is built, like Seo Youngho was made to sin, make Jaehyun stare at him in silence, shocked.
It would be terribly awkward, considering Jaehyun has just checked him out without an ounce of discretion, but Youngho catches on fast. He smiles at him, like he’s used to stun people with his looks, and says, “Jung Jaehyun, right? I didn’t know you were in this residence.”
The first problem that he encounters is that he’s too amazed to fully understand Youngho is talking to him. That, and that his blood isn’t in his brain right now. Jaehyun kind of wants to hump him again. His drunk self made a lot of sense.
“I didn’t know you lived here either,” Jaehyun replies as the elevator closes, and all of a sudden the oxygen seems to vanish, a horrible heat invading each inch of his body. There isn’t enough space between them, although Jaehyun is pressed against one of the walls and Youngho is in the opposite corner of the elevator.
Much to his surprise, Youngho laughs, almost as though he’s trying not to. A voice inside Jaehyun whispers that he’s being an idiot, and that’s what amuses Youngho, but Jaehyun has no idea how not be an idiot in front of this guy.
“I don’t live here. I’m visiting a friend,” Youngho explains, condescending, a bit sweet. His pupils sparkle with mirth when Jaehyun is unable to hold his gaze, eyes travelling down for a second. “Yuta told me you’re coming with us tomorrow?”
Undoubtedly, that is Jaehyun’s chance to reject the proposal. Except destiny is against him, and before he can even chew over the last word inside his mind, his body is hypnotized, head nodding and hair bouncing. Jaehyun feels like the rational part of himself has been punched in the face and has retreated to the darkest corner of his mind, hiding from this new, wild Jaehyun that lacks decency.
“Great,” Youngho grins, confident, with sincerity. Jaehyun’s legs wobble at that, and he internally curses Sicheng and his skills to see the future: Youngho is too hot for Jaehyun to pass on him. To retain the remainders of his pride. “See you tomorrow, then.”
As Youngho walks out, Jaehyun can only think two things: that’s a very fine back view, and he’s so turned on that he’s going to collapse any time soon.
Seo Youngho is a senior, one of those strange creatures that have endured that hell called university and, in this case, one that stills looks like he hasn’t lost the will to live. He’s not one of the zombies that stroll around the campus, wearing clothes that could be their pajamas, unbrushed hair – not the sexy kind- and giant dark circles. Youngho could pass as a model, exuding confidence and cheekiness, and Jaehyun doesn’t understand why he would go out with an inexperienced, rather childish freshman. A freshman who isn’t mature enough to make out with someone at a party and brush it off later, for starters.
“You totally dressed up,” Ten points out on Friday night, showing up at his room without previous notice. Of course, Sicheng has made sure all his friends knew Jaehyun accepted the date, and that therefore he’s a great matchmaker and should be rewarded.
“I didn’t. I’m just this handsome,” Jaehyun contradicts, a blatant lie that his choice of clothes can’t deny.
He furrows his eyebrows softly, verifying that indeed his outfit is perfect. It’s nothing too special, but he’s aware of how these jeans and t-shirt hug his body, and that’s enough for Youngho to imagine what’s under them. Not as if Jaehyun intended to induce that type of thoughts in the guy, or to be stripped off of his clothes, not at all.
“I don’t see Youngho’s appeal. I mean, he’s okay, but not enough to pull the slut out of you,” Ten informs him, plopping down on Sicheng’s bed with a smirk. “And if I was you, I would try to find out if he and Yuta have dated. I asked around and some people say they are currently dating.”
Jaehyun should be offended by that commentary about Youngho, but he’s too distracted by the supposed rumors. Yuta wouldn’t have accepted to go out with Sicheng, wouldn’t have done anything with him if he had a boyfriend, right? And Youngho wouldn’t have let Jaehyun grind and grope him.
“Ten, shut up.”
In response, his friend flashes a shit eating grin at him through the mirror, slightly bouncing on the bed. “Are you so desperate you would let Youngho fuck you even if he has a boyfriend?” he teases, voice swaying to satisfaction when he spots the blush on Jaehyun’s cheeks. “What if he wants Yuta to watch? What if all this ordeal is about that?”
All things considered, Ten could be right. Jaehyun has encountered worse weirdos in the few months he has been living on campus, and it wouldn’t be the first time someone proposes him to be more than two in bed. However, Jaehyun is monogamous, because that’s one of the compulsory rules if you want a boring life, and he’s not open to more than one dick at once.
“Then Sicheng is going to have fun,” Jaehyun concludes, turning around, face successfully hiding that he’s going to piss his pants if Youngho suggests something like that.
Because Youngho is too hot. And Jaehyun is too weak, even when he’s sober.
His doubts don’t last long. He’s nervous while he waits for Sicheng, and he’s terrified once a car parks in front of him, right in the spot where he was supposed to meet the guys. When Sicheng pulls him into Yuta’s car and pushes him against Youngho in the backseat, Jaehyun can’t do anything but flush red and apologize. That doesn’t change that he has practically fallen face forward onto Youngho’s lap, but Youngho only laughs and helps him to sit straight, eyes curiously inspecting him.
If Jaehyun learns something about Youngho in the first hour, it’s that he’s either a gentleman, or he’s very good at pretending. He never makes evident Jaehyun is awkward, or that Jaehyun stutters when he has to answer his questions, or that he can’t even get out of the car without tripping over his own feet. Youngho looks amused, however, but that sentiment never trespasses beyond the spark in his eyes. He hopes that, apart from Jaehyun’s inability to have an interesting conversation, Youngho is able to enjoy his company. Given that it only took Yuta and Sicheng two hours to start making out, right after they left a crowded café, Youngho has no option but to put up with him.
Perhaps upon noticing Jaehyun’s frightened expression (because he has finally lost his friend, and hence his escape if things get ugly), Youngho raises a brow at him and asks, “Is your first year going well?”
When Jaehyun dares to stare at Youngho, this time the fact that Youngho is taller than him strikes him. It wasn’t that noticeable while they were in the car, or when they were sitting in the café, but Jaehyun has to look up, and that is unusual for him. He’s used to direct his eyes down, and this new position makes him feel vulnerable, exposed. The strangest thing is that he doesn’t feel it’s a negative feeling, but the opposite; it lifts a weight off his shoulder, because Youngho can lead him, and he wants that to happen.
“Yeah?” Jaehyun answers at last, swallowing the cascade of thoughts. “I mean, except because Sicheng doesn’t let me sleep enough hours, it’s going pretty well.”
Youngho sends him half of a smile. “A lot of parties?” he teases, aware that Jaehyun is going to catch the hidden meaning of it. Jaehyun does, of course, but his mind becomes blank at the insinuation, all his wittiness fading away at the worst moment.
“Oh god, I don’t-”
Scratch that about Youngho being a gentleman. He isn’t. “Relax,” he advises, arm touching Jaehyun’s waist from behind, a gesture supposed to serve as consolation. Instead, it pushes Jaehyun to his limits, and it’s pretty illogical that such soft contact turns him on, so easily, when he already humped Youngho days ago. “I’m joking.”
Jaehyun nods, trying to shake the indecent thoughts off. It’s still difficult if Youngho doesn’t withdraw his arm, his palm tenderly touching Jaehyun through the t-shirt. In an attempt to distract himself, he observes Sicheng and Yuta, who have stopped sucking face for a minute and are discussing what snack they could buy, collecting money from their pockets like two kids counting the money they got from their grandparents.
Youngho imitates him, cackling at the view, and then a comfortable silence settles between them. Two seconds later, Jaehyun realizes he was just waiting for their friends to disappear into the shop to continue the talk. “Just to know where we stand,” Youngho begins, releasing Jaehyun and shoving his hands into his pockets. Contrary to his actions, his eyes don’t show a single hint of embarrassment. “Are we going to pretend we didn’t make out the other night?”
To be honest, Jaehyun didn’t ponder about that option; it didn’t even cross his mind. Is it even possible to act like his crotch hasn’t been in direct contact with Youngho? He doesn’t remember it that well, but it happened regardless, and yet Youngho doesn’t seem a bit ashamed of that fact. It makes Jaehyun wonder, in first place, if he’s used to have boys falling at his feet like Jaehyun did, and second, if he’s just treating him like one of those brainless, horny freshmen.
However, the only explanation that leaves Jaehyun’s mouth is, “It’s just that I’m not that type of guy.”
At that, Youngho arches his brows, a mixture of surprised and pleased. “What type of guy?” he pries, firm, until he breaks into a breathtaking smile. “I didn’t expect you to be this cute, that’s for sure.”
It’s rather stupid, or at least Jaehyun feels terribly stupid when he feels his cheeks burning at the compliment. Jaehyun isn’t a coy person, and it’s hard to intimidate him, but there’s something about Youngho – something powerful, something that prods right on Jaehyun’s nerves – that pushes him to act like he’s fifteen years old and very much infatuated. It’s terrible, and Jaehyun loves it.
Apparently, his silence is enough of an answer for Youngho, because he nods, eyes glittering in the darkness of the evening. “Okay, we can pretend we haven’t made out yet.” And then, in a secretive, mischievous whisper, he adds, “I like that.”
Jaehyun is sure that karma doesn’t exist, because he’s not that bad of a person to deserve all the things the world throws at him. To begin with, he supposed that Yuta and Sicheng were only fooling around, that they would get tired of each other or that at least they would calm down. They don’t. It just gets worse, to the point that Jaehyun doesn’t remember Sicheng’s face, and when he tries to invoke the image of his friend in his head, the only memory that comes is Sicheng and Yuta all over each other.
That’s only his first problem. The second terrible thing he has to put up with is Soonyoung and Ten being extremely awkward around each other. Jaehyun doesn’t dare to mention it, not when both of them are present, yet a part of him wants to smack them in the head so that they get back to their senses. However, Sicheng has less patience than he does, and during one of those lunches they’re all together – plus Yuta now as well, eternally being handsy under the table with Sicheng – the boy decides that Ten and Soonyoung's behaviour is just too annoying.
“You should just fuck again,” Sicheng suggests them casually. The reactions are immediate: Soonyoung chokes on his water, Yuta laughs at him without an ounce of respect, and Ten sends Jaehyun a desperate look, as though he could help him. “I mean, you wouldn’t be so tense if you didn’t want to fuck each other. You would have just brushed it off.”
Soonyoung is still choking, and Ten is the only one who is close enough to slap him on the back. But he looks terrified of even touching his friend, like he will irremediably find himself in bed with Soonyoung again if he even grazes him.
Fearing for Soonyoung's life, Jaehyun gets up to do the job. Once he has recovered his breath, Soonyoung doesn’t remember to thank him, eyes nervously wandering from Ten to his friends. It lasts for a couple of seconds, and then he stands up, throws his napkin on the table and announces, “I’m done. This is stupid.”
If Ten looked terrified before, now it’s as if someone has announced the end of the world. In that moment, Jaehyun understands: contrary to what he has expected, it’s Ten who doesn’t want to lose Soonyoung for a simple fuck. Hence he’s the root of the problem, the one who is trying to go back to square one when they have already crossed the finish line.
So, as they all watch Soonyoung leave, Jaehyun nudges him on the arm, “Go.”
“I can’t, he-”
“Just go,” Jaehyun insists. “I will bring you lunch later.”
Hesitating, Ten obeys him. The way his eyes scan the lunch room, like he doesn’t know where the exit is after two years of eating there, is rather pitiful. Jaehyun wishes Ten was more vocal about his feelings, instead of bottling them up inside just to release them when he’s drunk, because that would save him a lot of unnecessary suffering. Soonyoung isn’t that open with his emotions either, and that’s what entangling them in this mess.
“And just another match made in heaven by Dong Sicheng,” Sicheng boasts, under Yuta’s ridiculously proud stare, when Ten can’t hear them anymore.
Jaehyun tries not to laugh, squinting at him instead, “Another? You have made zero so far.”
While Sicheng looks at him like a kicked puppy, an unsettling smirk blooms on Yuta’s face. And it doesn’t make sense, at first, but two seconds later someone is slipping onto the seat Ten left empty. Jaehyun recognizes him before turning his head to check who it is, before he even talks, “I think he means us.”
Youngho dedicates him one of those unnerving, overpowering smiles, and Jaehyun feels the rush of blood through his neck at the mere view. His only hope is that his neck isn’t actually turning red, because he’s childish enough to reply, “We aren’t a couple.”
Much to his luck, Youngho is unaffected by his reaction, perhaps because Jaehyun is too transparent, and if his mouth says one thing, his eyes tell different. “Yeah, but I think he has a good view of the future.”
Jaehyun is cornered. Metaphorically, of course, but there Sicheng is, grinning like he’s able to read his thoughts, and Yuta, who wiggles his eyebrows at him, not minding that Youngho is watching the exchange. Youngho is too smart to not detect how Jaehyun opens his mouth to protest, and then gives up, because he can’t deny that he likes Youngho. A lot.
In the end, Jaehyun opts for pouting, which drags a laugh out of Youngho. “God, I don’t like the influence both of you are having on Sicheng.”
Tilting his head to the side, feigned innocence, Youngho whispers, “I’m not a bad influence, am I?”
Jaehyun can’t help it: his eyes fall on Youngho’s lips. And then his own lips feel terribly dry, and his mind forces him to wet them. That doesn’t go unnoticed by Youngho, whose smile disappears at that little detail, and whose eyes travel between Jaehyun’s pupils and lips as well, like he can’t decide what he prefers.
“You are,” Jaehyun breathes out. It sounds way more sensual than he has planned, but it’s inevitable, maybe because he can barely swallow, or think, or breathe.
“This is gross,” Yuta whines, breaking the moment. To support his own statement, he aims a piece of lettuce at Youngho, which is effective enough to make him stop staring at Jaehyun. “Absolutely gross.”
He and Youngho don’t have dates. They hang out as friends, from time to time, often only the two of them. They aren’t dates, but sometimes Youngho comments that Jaehyun looks pretty, or brushes Jaehyun’s hair out of his eyes, or holds his hand. And Jaehyun doesn’t admit that he tried to look pretty for Youngho, doesn’t avoid Youngho’s gestures, and intertwines his fingers with Youngho’s without second thoughts.
The second thoughts arrive later, when he’s alone. They arrive later, when he texts Youngho at night and he doesn’t respond, too busy with his thesis or studying. It’s then he realizes that Youngho is an adult, not only because of his age, but because of his personality. In mind and heart, Jaehyun stills feels like a kid compared to him, and he can’t understand why in the world Youngho would like him back.
However, Youngho never allows him to get away. He shows up at the most unexpected moments, and at the weekend he always gets Jaehyun out of the residence, with the excuse that he wants to watch a new movie, go shopping or simply lie down with Jaehyun on the grass. If Jaehyun could accept him as a friend, it would be very easy for both of them. Yet he can’t. He dreams of petting Youngho’s hair and kiss him, but he also wants to ride him and make him come with his name on his lips.
Jaehyun just doesn’t understand. What kind of guy takes a relationship slow nowadays? It doesn’t seem reasonable that Youngho is disposed to spend a whole afternoon with Jaehyun’s head on his lap, laughing at his bad jokes and stuttering, when he could be dating whoever he wished for. It’s a fact that becomes painfully evident on those nights Yuta and Sicheng are hoarding the room for themselves, and Jaehyun runs into them in situations that are going to torment him in his nightmares. Youngho and he are incapable of even kissing, of holding each other’s gaze for too long, while Sicheng and Yuta have jumped over protocols and social rules to go straight to bed.
“Don’t they have any other place to fuck?” Jaehyun laments to Youngho one afternoon, scribbling down his notes again in an attempt to memorize them. Youngho has arrived at the library around fifteen minutes ago, but it’s obvious he doesn’t have anything to do, thus the conversation has drifted to the topic that torments both of them. “I don’t like the smell of sex in my own room. Not if I didn’t cause it, anyway.”
It takes Jaehyun a moment to realize what he has just said. It’s one of those thoughts that is supposed to stay inside his mind, not reach his crush’s ears, so he raises his head to look at Youngho and apologize. However, Youngho’s expression is undecipherable, and the apology dies on Jaehyun’s mouth.
“You can come to sleep with me,” Youngho replies, slowly blinking. Then, he sucks a breath, eyes widening, and tries to fix his statement with a, “I mean, to my room. Shit, that sounds wrong too.”
Jaehyun could cut him to off assure him it’s okay, but it’s the first time Youngho gets this nervous in front of him. There’s a bundle of nerves in his stomach, too, whispering that the simple fact that Youngho is thinking about having sex with him means that he has imagined it before. It wouldn’t even cross his mind that his proposition sounds dirty if he didn’t.
So, overwhelmed by the realization, Jaehyun laughs, “We can sleep together, then. I mean, in the same room.”
Once it’s evident Youngho hasn’t scared Jaehyun away, his shoulders relax, a demure smile appearing on his face. He nods like a little kid, enthusiastic, and Jaehyun is so, so enamored.
If Jaehyun was to bet about something, that would be that Soonyoung hasn’t had any decent sleep in several days. It wouldn’t be worrisome if the reason was that he has been working on his assignments, or having one of these conversations he shares with Ten – his roommate – sometimes, but Jaehyun knows that’s not the reason why. Even after Jaehyun impelled Ten to talk to Soonyoung, they aren’t on good terms. In fact, Ten must have screwed up further because Soonyoung even refuses to sit with them during lunch, which is disappointing because Jaehyun is left with three stupid boys that like teasing him about his evident crush on Youngho. In front of Youngho.
“I have a theory,” Youngho confesses as soon as Ten leaves for class, days later, while they are spending the morning in Youngho’s residence. Sicheng and Yuta have been pressuring him to divulge what he said to Soonyoung to make him so mad, but Ten is just too stubborn. And probably, too ashamed of his own words.
Jaehyun throws a playful glare at Youngho, “Okay, smartass, what is it?”
“Soonyoung put the cards on the table. But Ten is a coward.” He makes a pause, as if Jaehyun is going to contradict him, but then he continues, “It’s not about him giving a speech about his feelings. There are things that don’t need to be said.”
“Things that are better shown through acts?”
“Yes,” Youngho answers, and when his gaze locks with his, Jaehyun knows exactly what he means. “It gets hard for both of them, in that case.”
Needless to say, Yuta isn’t as distracted as he seems, playing with Sicheng’s hair while the boy reads a book. They’re just a few meters away from them, sitting on a couch only for themselves, but Yuta still cracks his neck to stare at them and clarify, “Youngho is trying to say that he wants to see you naked but he’s afraid you won’t let him.”
They are used to those jokes, especially when Yuta is around, so Jaehyun doesn’t understand why the only answer to the statement is silence. He stiffens, glancing at Youngho because, by his reckoning, he’s about to laugh the teasing off. However, Youngho doesn’t. He has his mouth open in surprise, as if Yuta isn’t supposed to say that, as if Yuta has just spilled the truth, a secret: he is breaking the bro code and selling Youngho out in the process. And as Youngho’s stare finds Jaehyun, his face flushes red under Jaehyun’s own embarrassment. Both of them look away, quickly, pretending that they don’t cuddle or hold hands sometimes, or that Jaehyun doesn’t have wet dreams about Youngho every other night.
“I’m sorry, Jaehyun,” Youngho apologizes, too polite to not be uncomfortable. It’s not his fault, but he may think it is; Jaehyun has noticed that Youngho is one of those persons who have the need to have everything under control. “Don’t listen to him.”
Jaehyun can’t pinpoint what is wrong in the atmosphere, but he feels asphyxiated. Perhaps it’s the possibility that Youngho doesn’t want to discuss about them, about giving Jaehyun a chance. That would be comprehensible, and he has never expected Youngho to actually like him enough to consider a serious relationship. What hurts him it’s that their friendship is brittle too, and Youngho proves him that when he stands up, impassive, and dismisses them with a simple, “See you later, guys.”
Maybe because Jaehyun is left, an abandoned child, Sicheng deigns to stop reading, fingers caressing through Yuta’s hair like he has a dog on his lap, not an actual boy.
“Yuta and me are spending the night at our room,” he declares, almost bored, since Jaehyun’s love life isn’t that exciting to him anymore. In contrast, Yuta smiles and wiggles his eyebrows, provoking Jaehyun to roll his eyes despite the bad hunch in his guts. “So you can sleep in Youngho’s room and discuss the things you guys obviously need to discuss.”
The stubbornness in Sicheng’s gaze is steadfast, a signal that he’s not going to back out of his plans with his boyfriend. Unluckily, Jaehyun has learned this the hard way: he either leaves the room and saves himself the traumatic experience, or he stays and watches Sicheng and Yuta’s horror show. In all honesty, Jaehyun doesn’t know if knocking on Youngho’s doors is a better option.
“Please, let me in.”
When Jaehyun decided he would live in a residence with a roommate and not in a rented flat with other students, he was sure it was a great idea. And it has been until now, that point in his life in which he’s resorting to beg, to use the magic word, and in front of Ten, no less.
However, his friend stares at him through a slit of the barely open door, as though he’s being asked to hide a convict, a murderer, and not a simple boy who is scared of passing the night with his crush.
“I can’t,” Ten hisses, throwing a fast glance over his shoulder to check if his roommate is listening to them. “Soonyoung is calm for the first time in days.”
Jaehyun frowns. It might be because he has been in his own world of Youngho related anxiety for too long, but he’s not following Ten’s logic. “What does that have anything to do with letting me in?”
A part of him knows the answer, deep inside, and Ten’s stare is enough to confirm it. Still, his friend whispers, eyes flickering with something uncharacteristically dark, “It means I want him for myself.”
Jaehyun would laugh, except because it’s not a joke, “Are you fucking serious right n-”
Before he can finish the sentence, sneer at his friend or point out that he’s not going to fix his problems with Soonyoung just because he’s relaxed, Ten slams the door shut in his face. In that instant, when he has run out of possibilities to escape his fears, Jaehyun remembers he has never been that good at choosing his friends.
By the time Jaehyun is standing at Youngho’s door, he’s soaked wet. Youngho lives in a residence that is on the opposite side of the campus, and Jaehyun has sped through the rain, as he’s prone to get sick, but not fast enough. Thus, when Youngho first spots him, he’s probably more surprised at his current state than at the fact he showed up almost at midnight without previous notice.
He must have been sleeping, too, because he has dishevelled hair, hooded eyes, and not enough clothes on; he’s wearing a tank top, which induces a single thought in Jaehyun: arms, arms, arms. The combination makes Jaehyun forget why he’s here, why in the world he’s not dating Youngho yet, and also that even his socks are flooded with water. Instead he stares hungrily, embarrassing himself once again, but also not too worried about it.
“What are you doing here?” Youngho asks, still too sleepy to process the situation.
Jaehyun forces himself to regain his sanity, not an easy task when all he can imagine those arms gripping him. “You told me I could come to sleep with you,” he croaks at last, managing to look into Youngho’s eyes. He discovers a tinge of confusion there, and strangely, a vulnerability that he’s not used to find in Youngho. “When Yuta and Sicheng were bothering me.”
Realization hits Youngho then, and he grabs Jaehyun’s wrist carefully, like he would break him otherwise, to bring him in, “Shit, come in.”
Jaehyun allows himself to enjoy the warmth of Youngho’s fingers, and once he steps inside, he hears Youngho chuckling. He doesn’t let go of his wrist, however, and both of them move their hands in sync to hold each other’s, fingers intertwined.
“You’re so dramatic, running in the rain and all,” Youngho jokes, voice tinted with an affection that catches Jaehyun off guard. In the end, Youngho is the first to break the hand holding, and even if it lasted for barely ten seconds, Jaehyun is aware it means a lot more, at least for himself. “Are Sicheng’s moans that terrible?”
“Don’t even mention his moans,” Jaehyun whines.
Again, Youngho laughs, but not for long, his hoarse laughter dying in his throat. “I will get you some clothes.”
While Youngho rummages through his clothes to find something that fits him, which can’t be all that difficult considering Jaehyun is pretty tall as well, Jaehyun observes the room. Unlike him, Youngho doesn’t have a roommate, and therefore he has more space and more intimacy. It’s almost a small flat, not a tiny, simple room like Jaehyun’s. If he had known this, he would have invaded Youngho’s room earlier, even if it was for the sake of sleeping in a giant bed.
“Thanks,” Jaehyun coyly mutters when Youngho gives him clothes, clothes that smell a lot like Youngho and that make Jaehyun want to sink his face in them.
Of course, he doesn’t think it’s necessary for him to hide in the bathroom to change, so he simply tugs his wet t-shirt off; the moment he locks eyes with Youngho, he’s aware that Youngho did expect him to go to the bathroom first. Youngho is bewildered for an instant, but that fades away so fast that it might have not been there, and then Youngho pretends he wasn’t gazing at Jaehyun’s naked torso a second ago.
“What?” Jaehyun protests, afraid for a moment that there is something wrong with his body, an insecurity that hasn’t seen the light until now.
Youngho glances at him once again, attention soon returning to his phone. “Nothing,” he lies, resting on his back on the bed. That allows Jaehyun to take off the rest of his clothes without vigilance, but he gets startled when, after sliding up his — Youngho’s— pants completely, Youngho whispers, “You should come here more often.”
As per usual, Youngho’s face is unreadable, yet the spark in his eyes isn’t. But that hint of hope that Jaehyun receives when this happens isn’t very pleasant, since later Youngho refuses to acknowledge or talk about what they do, what he tells Jaehyun in private, what he feels.
Driven by a sudden flash of anger, Jaehyun spits out, “Don’t flirt with me.” And then, at Youngho’s shocked expression, as though he doesn’t understand the order, or he doesn’t know how to manage this new, blunt version, Jaehyun adds with a pout, “You flirt and then run away. It’s not fair.”
Not missing a beat, Youngho sits up and reaches for his hand, with the clear intention of pulling him closer. Jaehyun lets him do it and ends up on the bed next to him, thigh against thigh, Youngho’s hand caressing his. The way Youngho treats him always makes him feel like a vulnerable child, but it’s not a negative feeling in Jaehyun’s book. He’s comforting, mature, and thus Jaehyun can rely on him, loosen up a bit and be himself, not remembering that he’s entering adulthood.
“Jaehyun, I’m not running away. I’m here, okay?” Youngho assures him, voice low and calm; just apparently, because Jaehyun catches how his pupils shake, how he searches for something on Jaehyun’s own face, perhaps a signal that he hasn’t hurt him or crossed a limit. “It’s just- You’re really attractive, and Yuta and the others… they always make it all about sex. I don’t want you to think this is a game for me, or that I want to sleep with you.”
Trying to conceal his disappointment, eyes casted down, Jaehyun mutters, “You don’t want to sleep with me?”
It’s kind of childish, Jaehyun is conscious of it, that his only worry right now is that Youngho isn’t sexually attracted to him. There’s love beyond sex, still romantic love, but comparing himself to Youngho creates these insecurities, the need of validation even if it’s through such a banal aspect.
Startled, Youngho opens his mouth to reply, but then he shakes his head softly and admits, “I do want to sleep with you. I did especially when I first met you. But now I want more.”
For once, Jaehyun is brave enough to stare into Youngho’s eyes without an ounce of fear. Youngho isn’t playing with him, he sees him as an equal, knows him, what he likes and what he hates, how he tends to speak nonsense when he’s nervous, or how he gets in a bad mood if he isn’t pampered by someone else from time to time. And Jaehyun knows Youngho too. He has memorized the way he pulls his eyebrows together when he’s holding back a thought, or how he laughs at Jaehyun’s unfunny jokes because he’s an idiot; and underneath that, there’s a boy with dreams, who wishes to make his parents proud of his achievements, a simple, careful boy who definitely isn’t used to make out with people at parties.
Jaehyun doesn’t realize he has fallen silent, until an uneasy Youngho, tilting his head to the side, asks, “Can I have more?”
Speechless, Jaehyun is incapable of articulating a mere yes. Not only more, he wishes he could say, Jaehyun would give him everything, and since he can’t show it with words, he leans forward to meet Youngho’s lips. Lips that he has already tasted while intoxicated, but that he doesn’t remember. And despite that, when Youngho grabs him by the back of his head, bringing him closer and closer, it feels like they’re kissing for the first time.
It’s just hours later, during that sleepless night, that Jaehyun backtracks to the little details he overlooked during all this time. It was through little acts Youngho showed how much he valued him, eyes that stared at him as though he was irreplaceable since that first double date with Sicheng and Yuta. Youngho would tell him he looked handsome after spending the whole night studying, even if it was obvious that Jaehyun looked awful. On those Friday nights during which Jaehyun was too tired to hang out outside, Youngho accepted to stay in the residence and talk to him until Jaehyun fell asleep. He always wondered why Youngho always left his room, but he understands now: Jaehyun never invited him explicitly to pass the night, and Youngho is too polite to do so. He’s not that gentlemanly, however, but Jaehyun doesn’t realize until Youngho’s arms are around him, nose pressed against his nape. It isn’t related to the fact that Youngho is cuddling him, of course, but to how one of his hands is unconsciously resting too low on Jaehyun’s stomach.
“Youngho,” Jaehyun mutters, to check if he’s still awake.
As a response, the boy hums a sleepy, “Yeah?”
“You didn’t give me any underwear,” he points out, and once he mentions it, he feels even more naked. A wave of heat immediately extends from Youngho’s hand and down his body, and he has trouble to continue, to form words in his head. “Was it on purpose?”
Youngho stifles his laughter against his neck, vibration running through Jaehyun, “Yeah."