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Donghyun’s life had always revolved around two things: the sea, and Han Dongmin. For the vast majority of his years, his heart and mind knew no other form of happiness that did not include at least one of the two.
The morning Dongmin turned up in his primary school class, Donghyun could have sworn he felt the visceral, shimmering pull of that fabled alchemy poets so incessantly romanticize. It didn’t take them long to become inseparable – or so his mother had always told him – for wherever one went, the other was always by his side.
They’ve never been alike in the slightest, yet somehow they’ve always been the same. Donghyun found happiness in his best friend’s loudest side, whilst Dongmin appreciated the sense of calm the other brought him when they were alone, talking about his obsession with sea creatures. Amidst the darker colours of Dongmin’s clothes, you could always spot that splash of colour that Donghyun brought to his look, and the light shades Donghyun usually wore always contrasted with Dongmin’s accessories. In one way or another, they’ve always complemented each other. Not quite like Yin and Yang, but like two halves of a puzzle that comes together as a whole.
Over time, and with the start of secondary school, they formed their own little group of friends made up of people from different year groups who lived in the same neighbourhood. Donghyun found it a bit difficult to adjust to having to spend time with people other than Dongmin. It wasn’t that he disliked his friends, far from it, but in his mind, he didn’t need any more friends, his best friend had always been enough for him. Despite the difficulty, it didn’t take him long to get on well with the rest of them. Jaehyun and Sanghyeok ended up becoming some of his closest confidants; Woonhak always seemed to have a smile for everyone, whatever the situation, and he knew he could always count on Sungho when he needed to calm down. However, none of them was Dongmin.
Donghyun had always been aware that he wasn’t like the rest of them. He’d never been very good at socialising, and he didn’t have any particularly strong personality traits to make up for that. He didn’t enjoy big parties, as Dongmin and Jaehyun did; he couldn’t find an activity he was as passionate about as Woonhak and Sanghyeok, and he certainly wasn’t as academically brilliant as Sungho. How could he be so different from his friends, and yet still be close to them?
Over time, he realised that perhaps, and just perhaps, in some infinitesimal margin of possibility, his inclinations toward Dongmin transcended the platonic. He couldn’t quite understand how one could distinguish between the love between friends and the other kind of love. Yes, it was clear that Donghyun felt differently about Dongmin compared to the rest of his friends, but wasn’t that the definition of ‘best friends’?
He was sixteen when the first tremors of this existential crisis surfaced. The sound of the waves accompanied the two boys as they lay on their respective towels. Jaehyun, Dongmin, Sanghyeok and Woonhak were in the water, shouting the usual nonsense they always shouted at each other, whilst tossing a half-deflated ball that the youngest of them had brought to the beach. A ball hitting Dongmin in the face completely shattered Donghyun’s calm, who went from lying flat on his back to almost standing up in a split second.
"Calm down, mate, he’s not hurt," Sungho said, placing a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder. "You don’t need to worry about him so much. They’re not going to kill him or something like that."
A look of confusion crossed Donghyun’s face as he sat down, his gaze fixed on his black-haired friend. “Oh, right. It’s just… normal concern. I don’t want him to get hurt.”
“I don’t think any of your feelings about Dongmin are very normal, Donghyun-ah.”
“What do you mean?” Donghyun’s head, now tilted to one side, shifted his gaze to focus on the blond hair of the older boy standing next to him. “Well, I don’t think the concern you might feel for Dongmin is the same as for the rest of us.”
“I’ve known him since he was a kid, I’ve always kept a closer eye on him,” the brown-haired boy explained, not quite grasping the implications of Sungho’s words at that moment. “No offence, it’s just that we’ve been friends for so long that it comes… naturally to me.”
"Are you sure that’s only down to how long you’ve been friends? Have you never considered another reason, Donghyun?"
The silence between the two friends was once again accompanied by the sound of the waves breaking on the shore. That summer, a haunting uncertainty began to take root within Donghyun: the desperate need to discern where the innocence of friendship ended, and where the volatile, breathtaking ache of something more began.
The atmosphere of that morning set the tone for the rest of the year. Dongmin enjoyed his most frenetic moments with the group’s most active members, though he always made time to enjoy Donghyun’s calm presence. It was very difficult for the younger of the two to explain the relationship they shared, because to outsiders, Dongmin was that outgoing guy—outspoken and full of energy—who didn’t seem to fit with Donghyun at all. However, for Donghyun, the black-haired boy was peace; Dongmin was the sparkle in his eyes when they talked about everyday things, he was the little smile that appeared on his face when they finished their sentences together. Where everyone else saw chaos and stubbornness, Donghyun saw the happiness and excitement that had been with him since he was six years old.
Sungho never brought up the subject with Donghyun again, but the intense, lingering glances he cast their way spoke for themselves. Donghyun never knew exactly why Sungho was so sure of his feelings (even more so than Donghyun himself). Probably because he was in a similar situation. Donghyun began to realize that maybe he really was in love with Dongmin when he saw Sungho looking at Jaehyun the same way he looked at his best friend. It was impossible to think that that look expressed anything other than love for the other person, and that’s when he realized that his own eyes held that same feeling when he looked at his best friend.
When Jaehyun, Sanghyeok, Dongmin and Donghyun finished secondary school, the two biggest party animals persuaded the rest of the group to go out and celebrate the end of the chapter that had brought them all together. Donghyun had never been so sure he didn’t want to go anywhere, but he knew he couldn’t always do as he pleased and that, at this stage, perhaps it was time to start opening up a bit to the world; it was time to stop being afraid of everything that took him out of his comfort zone. So, with very little enthusiasm and trying to stick close to Dongmin for most of the time, he went out partying with everyone that night.
The party was at the house of a lad from school, someone Donghyun’d honestly never heard of in his life – though that didn’t really surprise him either. On the way there, Jaehyun swore it would be ‘the best night of his life’, and that this ‘Sion’ guy was an expert at throwing amazing parties. To be honest, he was a bit jealous. Seeing how Dongmin and Jaehyun had created so many crazy party memories whilst he’d maintained the same dynamic with his best friend since primary school. He couldn’t blame Dongmin, though. No one but Donghyun was to blame for letting that happen. Sometimes he’d panic at the thought that perhaps Dongmin was bored with the way they got on. He kept telling himself it was normal that he got on so well with Jaehyun; he was just like Dongmin. To any observer, their bond would seem destined, yet it was a cruel irony that no stranger would ever look at Donghyun and perceive the profound, unspoken symmetry he shared with Dongmin. It was something only the two of them knew. For a long time, he’d thought that was enough, but that night, the brown-haired boy’s perspective changed quite a bit.
The walk to Sion’s house seemed to go on for ages, so much so that Donghyun and Woonhak had to ask several times whether they’d genuinely got lost along the way, but as soon as they were near, Donghyun didn’t even need to look ahead again – the loud music, the lights and the crowd spoke for themselves. Anxiety began to slowly gnaw at him. It wasn’t sudden, but it was constant. That feeling of steady pressure in his chest that seems to be incessantly warning you that something isn’t right.
“You’ve finally arrived, you bastards!” A warm welcome greeted them as soon as they squeezed their way into that house, which literally couldn’t fit a single more person. Rather than welcoming them all, he greeted Jaehyun and Dongmin, with whom the host seemed to have been friends for ages, even though he clearly wasn’t. “I’m finally seeing the rest of your friends, dudes. I thought they didn’t exist anymore.”
They all made their brief introductions, the usual sort of thing. Name, class, the standard stuff, not too formal, but they all kept their composure in the presence of this new character who had turned up in their lives. Well, actually, they were the ones who’d turned up in his life, after all, it was his house. Yet, Sion found himself momentarily arrested by the sheer presence of Donghyun; not with malice, but with that bewildered, rapt expression one wears when confronted by an enigma too complex to decipher.
“What did you say your name was?” Sion inquired, a finger tracing the air toward Donghyun with a predatory glint of mischief—a mischief the brown-haired lad wasn’t quite sure how to interpret.
“Kim Donghyun. My best friend since school, so watch what you’re doing.”
Dongmin jumped in way before Donghyun himself could reply. In a somewhat defensive tone (possessive, maybe?) probably because he knew Sion was just another playboy, the sort you can’t do without in teen dramas.
Faced with the black-haired young man's gruff tone and sour expression, the party host took his leave of the group sooner rather than later, and the six of them were able to wander around the house. They poured themselves drinks as best they could, this being the first beer Donghyun had ever drunk in his life.
“Nervous? Is this your first time?” Dongmin broke the silence between them as he poured Donghyun a drink into a plastic cup.
“Not at all. It can’t be that big a deal.” He smiled back at him as he took the cup from the older's hands, and after waiting for him to pour himself a drink, they clinked glasses together.
“Here's to our friendship, to your first beer, and to having many more together, Kim Donghyun.”
The rest of the party went exactly as Donghyun had expected. Sanghyeok and Jaehyun didn’t leave the centre of the room for a single second, dancing and drawing as much attention as possible, Sungho was chatting to his schoolmates, and Woonhak was off somewhere socialising and messing about a bit. Dongmin, much to the brown-haired boy’s relief, stayed with him for a significant part of the party. However, Donghyun couldn’t avoid the inevitable, and he knew that the moment Jaehyun asked the dark-haired boy to dance in the centre of the room, he would lose him completely.
That’s exactly how it happened. Although the ‘asking to dance’ bit wasn’t quite as romantic as it sounds. Jaehyun simply took Dongmin by the arm, gave Donghyun a little smirk, and then promptly snatched his best friend away, taking him to where he really belonged: in the centre of the dance floor, behaving exactly as people expected him to: chatty, spontaneous and a bit of a clown, even.
"I’m taking him away from you for a bit, Donghyun. I hope you don’t mind."
Of course he minded. In fact, nothing in the vast cosmos held more weight for him than Dongmin. Nothing in the entire universe could rival the agonizing sensation of watching his best friend —his missing half— be taken away. Perhaps it was a bit ridiculous to get so emotional over something as silly as wanting to dance at a party, that situation was simply a reflection of the state of their friendship at that moment. Donghyun was fine with Dongmin, Dongmin was fine with Donghyun; they enjoyed each other’s company just as they always had: with affection and by somehow embracing the differences between them until they became an integral part of their friendship. However, Dongmin was different people apart from who he was with Donghyun. He was energetic and sociable when it came to going out partying; he was the hard-working, music-loving lad when it came to studying. And the problem was that Donghyun was nobody other than who he was with Dongmin.
Given the situation, and seeing as he couldn’t find any of his friends who were free enough to drop everything and join in, Donghyun decided to grab a couple more beers and settle down on the comfortable grass outside the house, where there were people but definitely not as many as inside, nor were they as focused on what he might be up to there. Most of the people in that front part of the party were couples making out and the occasional kid who was completely wasted and had ended up in a bush whilst his mates held his head as he threw up.
Donghyun began to feel the slight effects of the beer halfway through his third one. Perhaps he shouldn’t have drunk so much, knowing he’d never drunk before, and knowing he had no company other than the cat from the street opposite, which wouldn’t stop meowing at him. He didn’t know if it just wanted to get his attention or if it was doing it out of pity for him, but somehow it kept him entertained for longer than he would have liked.
“I see they’re not paying you much attention in there, huh” a slightly familiar voice said from behind him as it made a little space on the patch of grass beside him. It was none other than Sion himself, who, until just a couple of hours ago, had been eyeing him up as just another piece of prey to devour, but now seemed to be looking at him with a certain compassion, even kindness.
“Ah, well,” replied Donghyun, unsure of his host’s intentions, “I don’t blame them either. I’m not usually very comfortable at this sort of… social gathering. I prefer to step aside and let the rest of them enjoy themselves.”
“You can tell by the look in your eyes,” the guy he knew absolutely nothing about now seemed to want to psychoanalyse him, but the brown-haired wasn’t particularly receptive to any kind of social interaction or to absolutely anything else. The beer was starting to take effect and he wasn’t in control of his words or his own mind. “Whatever that means, Sion.”
"I don’t mean any harm, you idiot," Sion looked at Donghyun with a certain tenderness in his eyes, as if, somehow, he fully understood how he felt. "It’s obvious you’re not used to this. It’s a really shitty situation to be left in the lurch like this."
“I don’t blame them either. It’s a nightmare having to stand there doing absolutely nothing at a party just because ‘I’m not good at socialising’,” Donghyun tilted his head back as he spoke, as if each of his words were weighing heavily on his shoulders and he needed to stretch to relieve the pressure. Meanwhile, Sion was trying to move slightly closer to him. Not in an intrusive way, but by trying to make their hands brush against each other slightly, by trying to make their thighs touch. “I don’t think any of them would mind staying with you, you’re a nice guy.
“Yeah, but that’s all I am. Nice, not funny, not clever, and certainly not sociable,” for the first time since they’d started talking, Donghyun dared to look at Sion, as if he’d been avoiding him before out of fear.
“You’re the sort of drunk who gets melancholic and pensive, aren’t you?”
Donghyun’s response was going to be to tell him to shut the fuck up for a bit, to be honest, that way of feeling sorry for him in an attempt to hook up with him was getting on his nerves. But he didn’t need to let his rude side show because, as if he were a guardian angel, a deep voice replied from the background.
“He’s the sort of drunk who wants to be left in peace. Go and get lost for a bit, Sion.” Dongmin stepped in front of the two of them, and a single gesture towards the party host was enough for him to get up immediately from Donghyun’s side. As soon as the space was free, the dark-haired boy sat down next to his best friend, looking him straight in the face. “Has the alcohol kicked in a bit too much, Donghyun-ah?”
“Nooooo,” the brown-haired’s head was literally spinning as he replied to his best friend, whom he was unable to look in the eye at that moment, or at least keep his gaze fixed solely on his eyes. It was much easier to let his eyes wander over every feature of his face, noticing how his fringe always fell gently over his eyebrows, how his lips always curved slightly downwards. That collection of information that Donghyun kept in his head—which, to him, had always been just facts—but which now spoke for itself when it came to defining his feelings for Dongmin. “It’s just that it’s the first time I’ve had a drink, or gone out, in fact. It’s cool; I’ll do it more often.”
‘I think you’ve never wanted to go home more in your whole life,’ replied Dongmin, as he brushed some of his tousled hair away from his face. Donghyun fixed his gaze on his best friend, trying to find a reply whilst the slight hiccup caused by the alcohol prevented him from explaining himself.
"But it’s because they’ve left me on my own. Well, you’ve left me on my own, Dongmin."
The dark-haired boy was about to let out a little chuckle at his best friend’s reply, thinking it was one of Donghyun’s typical jibes, those rare, playful reproaches reserved solely for him, a private language born from the layers of Donghyun that most people never bothered to peel away. Yet, the laughter died in Dongmin's throat. In the depths of Donghyun’s eyes, he found no mischief, only a devastating, hollow ache. The familiar radiance he had known since childhood had vanished, looking as if his eyes were about to crystallize, even though there wasn’t a single tear in them.
"Am I boring, Dongmin?" he asked, looking up at the sky this time, between sighs. "I know I’m not Jaehyun, or Sanghyeok, I’m very quiet. But I always thought that would never be a problem for you. Now maybe I’m starting to wonder."
“Donghyun, even if you were the most boring person on the planet, I wouldn’t swap you for anyone,” Dongmin’s reply was clear, and he refused to talk to thin air whilst his best friend continued to avoid his gaze, so he gently took hold of his chin and steered his gaze straight back into his eyes. “You’re not like them, maybe, but they can never be like you either.”
“Someone’s got to bring a bit of calm to the little storm I’m living in, don’t you think?” A grin from ear to ear spread across the dark-haired boy’s face, and he reached out to take his best friend’s hand in the same way Sion had tried to do just a moment ago. However, the feeling was completely different. Where he’d previously felt overwhelmed and afraid of physical contact, he was now overcome by a certain tingling sensation inside. As if, despite his nerves at the situation, he needed to be as close to Dongmin as possible to be completely electrified. “I wouldn’t be who I am without you by my side, Donghyun, don’t forget that.”
By that point in the conversation, their hands were pressed firmly together, and Donghyun couldn’t help but smile when he saw them like that. He had so many things to say to him and so few ways of saying them that he simply leaned on his best friend’s shoulder and carried on gazing at the stars – another of the many things they’d done together since they were children.
“Thanks for always being there, Dongmin.”
“Thanks to you for letting me be here, Donghyun.”
After gazing at the sky for a little while longer, Donghyun began to feel slightly unwell. He felt bad telling Dongmin, forcing him to cut short their fun because of him. But, to the brown-haired boy’s surprise, he didn’t need to say a single word for his best friend to realise that he wasn’t feeling his best.
They quickly said goodbye to the rest of the group, and although Jaehyun protested far more than Donghyun had expected, Dongmin stood his ground and walked him home just as they’d agreed. Donghyun’s house wasn’t too far from where they’d been, so the walk wouldn’t take them an age either. They fell back into their everyday conversations: Dongmin telling him about the new guitar he wanted to buy, and Donghyun telling him about some endangered sea creature that biologists had managed to save. That was just how they were, and that’s how they’d always be.
"Well, we’re here now, kid," Dongmin took advantage of Donghyun’s vulnerability to tease him a little, both of them aware that when the younger one felt really comfortable, he tended to behave a bit more childishly. It also seemed to be a trait that alcohol brought out in him, apparently.
"Don’t go too far, I’m sure you’re even worse when you’re drunk."
“I won’t deny it, Donghyun-ah.” They looked at each other for what felt like an eternity and a half to the brown-haired lad, neither of them quite sure what to do next. Donghyun wanted to invite him in, but his parents might kill him for making noise so late. Dongmin seemed to have something to say but couldn’t quite find the words. So there could be no other outcome but a goodbye.
“Well, eh. I think I’ll be off,” said the older one, scratching the back of his neck slightly. He did that when he was nervous; Donghyun knew that well. Why was he nervous, though?
“Sure, sorry for making you leave early. And for all that ridiculous conversation on the way here.”
Dongmin quickly cut him off. “Not another word, young man. I was getting bored there, so actually, you’re the one who’s done me a favour.”
“Compulsive liar. You were having a brilliant time with Sanghyeok and Jaehyun,” Donghyun retorted. He didn’t want the dark-haired boy to agree with him out of pity, he didn’t need that.
“I had a better time with you anyway. Isn’t that what matters?”
Dongmin was ridiculously close before Donghyun even realised it. He didn’t know how, or why, but the fact was that the dark-haired boy was at a dangerously close distance—closer than they’d ever been before.
A quiet ‘goodbye’ slipped from Donghyun’s lips – a farewell he was trying with all his might to hold back, because, let’s be honest, the brown-haired lad was exactly where he wanted to be. Dongmin looked up at him from the slight difference in height between them, and with his face slightly contorted with nerves, he could only manage one gesture.
The dark-haired boy gently pressed his lips against Donghyun’s cheek, softly and affectionately. It wasn’t spontaneous or random. It was a deliberate kiss, with a raw, unchanneled yearning that had long simmered beneath both friends. It was as if a spark of electricity had once again coursed through their entire bodies, but this time it was caused by the contact of Dongmin’s lips against Donghyun’s soft cheeks. Donghyun would even describe it as slow; he swore he’d felt that contact for several long seconds.
They were both bright red, overcome with embarrassment at a situation neither of them seemed to have been prepared for. Dongmin lowered his head again, accompanied by his characteristic itch in his neck, and could only lift his head one last time to smile back at his best friend.
“Good night, Donghyun. Get some rest tonight.”
And just as he’d said that, he vanished into the street as if he were a shooting star. Donghyun might have said he didn’t even have time to say goodbye, but that was a lie. He’d had plenty of time; he’d simply lacked the ability to react. The ability to make sense of everything that had just happened to him. Was he making it all up? Could it be real?
That night, Donghyun’s bed seemed a little more comfortable than on other nights; the ceiling of his room suddenly didn’t seem quite so dark; and his heart could perfectly mirror the smile with which the poor brown-haired boy had drifted off to sleep. He’d always had doubts about his feelings—whether he was forcing himself to feel something, or whether he truly didn’t know what real love felt like, having never experienced it in his 17 years of life. However, after that night, Donghyun was quite sure that this was exactly what it must feel like to love someone in that way. He would have done crazy things just to receive that kiss again, to relive that night day in, day out. He even believed it could become his new normal: being able to say goodbye to Dongmin and always feel the warm touch of his lips on his skin once more.
But as has already been said, that’s all it was: a dream, something Donghyun spent the whole summer wishing would come true.
But it didn’t happen.
The truth was that, with the arrival of summer during their final years at secondary school, the two friends didn’t see each other very often. Partly because Donghyun would take the opportunity to visit his family in Busan for a few weeks, and partly because Dongmin took his holidays quite literally and made the most of every day to go to as many parties as possible. To a certain extent, it became a cause for concern. Because the truth is that, although it was normal for them to drift apart during the warmer months, that summer was different. Dongmin went to more parties and drank more. On the days he wasn’t out, he was recovering from the hangovers the alcohol had given him. And when he’d recovered, he’d head back out onto the streets, led by Jaehyun and with no idea exactly how or when he’d make it back to his room.
Donghyun tried everything to get in touch with him: phone calls, text messages; he even went so far as to text Sanghyeok and Jaehyun in a bid to reach him. But his efforts came to nothing; the replies were barely more than monosyllables and, for the first time since they’d met, the brown-haired boy began to wonder if he was facing the end of their friendship.
The turning point came on the day the university admission results were published. Donghyun hadn’t told anyone where he’d applied. Well, technically that wasn’t true. He had written to Dongmin when he submitted his application, but he never knew if Dongmin had seen it, as it was just one of many messages Dongmin had ignored.
The notification popped up on Donghyun’s mobile without warning. “Accepted onto the Marine Biology degree programme, Busan.” The happiest day of his life turned out to be the most bittersweet. Ever since he was a child, he’d dreamt of that moment, but whenever he’d imagined it, Dongmin had been by his side, receiving his own acceptance into music school at the same time. When he sent the application so far away from Seoul, he felt bad, thinking he was leaving everything behind because of a momentary impulse, that there was no need to go so far away, but what difference did it make now that he’d reached that point?
Donghyun didn’t speak to anyone else for the rest of the summer. He stopped texting Dongmin’s number, stopped asking the others how he was, and stopped thinking about all the love he’d once held for him. He would have liked to say that he left his love for him behind the moment he realised there was no turning back, but that would be a lie. In Donghyun’s heart, there would always be a place carved with Dongmin’s name. It bothered him, but there was nothing he could do about it. Not when you’ve spent half your life devoting every second of it to one person, to an unrequited love, to a kiss left unfinished.
Before leaving for Busan, Donghyun spoke to Sungho. He decided he would be the only one he’d talk to about his departure, as he was the only one who’d genuinely cared about him over the summer, and—let’s be honest—he was the only one who’d taken the time during secondary school to try and get to know Donghyun. They promised to keep in touch; they even left open the possibility of meeting up from time to time, and, for the first time in several months, Donghyun felt a little less empty. Knowing that, in the absence of his everything, he at least had something to help him cope better with the immense void in which he was buried.
With two suitcases and a dream, the brown-haired boy set off for university, without even saying goodbye to the person he’d considered his soulmate since he was six. He wondered if, at any point during that whole process, Dongmin had even thought of him once. Whether he, too, had noticed that his dark colours no longer had a contrast nearby to make them a little more vibrant, or if anyone around him had told him that his eyes looked duller, more lifeless. Whether he would miss the calm he’d spoken so much about to Donghyun, now that his world was destined for a chaos that could not be countered by anything, or anyone. The answer didn’t matter, because the reality was that it had been months since the younger boy had accepted that this was as far as it would go. So, as soon as she boarded that train bound for Busan, he deleted his contact details and everything connected with that torment which, for a time, had been the part of his life he loved most. He kept just three photos: the school group photo from the year they met, the first selfie they took when Dongmin got his first mobile phone, and the photo they took together on graduation day, the day before the party.
Donghyun arrived in Busan one late-summer afternoon, where the humidity was particularly noticeable and life seemed to move a little more slowly than in Seoul. He decided to start going by the name Leehan, trying at all times to forget anything that might tie him to any memories of the past.
As time went by, he learnt that Jaehyun and Dongmin had started a sort of ‘relationship’ – or so Sungho described it. Sungho didn’t seem too pleased with the idea, but he couldn’t exactly pretend he didn’t know that something like that would happen from time to time. Did it hurt? Of course it did. But just like the blond boy, Donghyun couldn’t pretend he didn’t know it would end this way , just as he’d snatched Dongmin away from him on the night of the party.
The 20th of October of that year was the first birthday since he’d been six on which he didn’t receive a birthday message from Dongmin. Luckily, Sungho was there to celebrate with him and to wipe the tears from his face when he started feeling down in the middle of the day. It was also Donghyun who comforted the blond boy from time to time, as he didn’t seem to be coping very well with the situation. However, despite the pain of the situation, they had fun together and took the opportunity to post several photos of themselves together. Was it done with the intention of catching the attention of the couple in question? It’s possible. They also knew they wouldn’t get any response, but since they were having a hard time, why not make the best of it?
During the Christmas holidays, Donghyun returned to Seoul to see his closest family. The streets were decorated with those lights he had once enjoyed seeing with Dongmin; what had once struck him as the most beautiful display of lights imaginable were now merely bulbs hanging from wires, reminding him that there was something about him that would never be right, that there would always be something that had meant he hadn’t been chosen by the dark-haired boy. Every pavement, every worn-out bench and every petal bruised and crushed beneath their feet seemed to whisper their stolen names, echoing shared moments that now seemed like ghosts haunting a gallery of their former intimacy. Even the front porch of his house had been transformed, appearing before his tired eyes like a time capsule of memories, capturing the agonising unfolding of their lives, from the innocence of their first game together at home to the empty silence of their final farewell.
The holidays passed without much fanfare, and he used the time he spent in his old city to catch up with his family. Although, to tell the truth, what Donghyun did for most of that time was to curl up in the comfort of what, just a few months earlier, had been his usual bed, trapped in his own room, surrounded by walls that inevitably reminded him of his former life in the city. The framed drawings bearing Dongmin’s signature still adorned the walls of his room, and the windows still reflected memories of what had been, for Donghyun, a whole lifetime together. How was it possible that everything had changed so suddenly, from one day to the other? What could Donghyun have done to lose his whole life in a single night, in a single conversation?
For the New Year’s party, he managed to arrange to meet up with Sungho and Woonhak. For a moment, he considered turning down the idea, as he was doing his very best to avoid any chance of coming across even the slightest reminder of his former best friend, but a subtle threat from the eldest of the three and Woonhak’s sad face stopped him from refusing the offer. They met up in Woonhak’s garage, partly to escape the bitter cold that was tormenting the city streets, and partly because Donghyun had made it a condition that they wouldn’t set foot in the city or take part in any plans involving a party. Both companions agreed, of course. Sungho hated social gatherings that were based solely on getting absolutely drunk for no other purpose, and Woonhak wanted to make the most of Donghyun’s visit to spend time with him, so he didn’t mind the proposal as long as he could enjoy his friend’s company.
“Well, Donghyun… how’s life in Busan?” asked Woonhak, as the three of them shared a light dinner together, with a couple of drinks on the table and soft music gently filling the atmosphere of the younger man’s decorated garage. “Is it very strange getting used to living in a different place?”
“Well, I already knew the city through my grandmother, so it’s not that strange,” said Donghyun, who still had some food in his mouth. “It’s… different from Seoul. But I like it.”
“You should see his flat, Woonhak, it’s amazing,” Sungho said, pointing to the long-haired guy in front of him. Donghyun had forgotten that Sungho had been to his house just a few months ago.
“Did you go to see him, Sungho?” asked the younger boy, without lifting his head much from his plate. He was too focused on eating to take his eyes off the piece of meat in front of him.
“Eh… yes,” a slight grimace of discomfort flashed across the blond boy’s face, just before he continued. “To celebrate his birthday, actually.”
The silence seemed to have wiped out all trace of background music for a second; all that could be heard was the clatter of Donghyun’s cutlery, followed immediately by the sound of Woonhak’s falling dramatically onto his plate.
“It was your birthday!” Woonhak clutched his head as he stood up dramatically from the table and walked over to where Donghyun was sitting. “Oh God, Donghyun! I’m so, so sorry—I didn’t even wish you a happy birthday.”
‘Don’t worry, Woonhak,’ the brown-haired boy replied with a laugh at the younger boy’s dramatics, whilst stroking his head affectionately. They’d never spoken much during their secondary school years, and it wasn’t as if Donghyun had ever celebrated his birthday like it was a big deal at any point in his life, so it seemed normal to him that he hadn’t remembered.
“I’ll never forgive myself for this. I’m sure everyone else said something to you except me,” the younger boy continued, still feeling dejected as he returned to his seat at the table, his face contorted by the guilt washing over him at that moment.
“Actually, only Sungho remembered.”
Silence again. Now it was the clink of Sungho’s cutlery that accompanied the almost-still breathing of the whole room, along with the light Christmas tunes Woonhak had put on, which sounded ridiculously cheerful given the heaviness of the situation.
Woonhak wondered whether to say his name, whether to ask about the thing that had raised the most doubts for him in that whole situation, but he only had to see the emptiness in Donghyun’s eyes to know the answer. In an instant, the younger boy’s saddened eyes shifted to a completely opposite state of mind.
“What a bastard. Dongmin never deserved you, Donghyun.” Woonhak shattered the tranquillity of the silence in an instant, completely changing the tone of the situation simply by the way he’d phrased things, and above all, by the name he’d mentioned. “I’m glad things didn’t work out for him with Jaehyun in the end either.”
“What do you mean?” asked the brown-haired boy, one eyebrow raised slightly in a questioning manner.
“They broke up whatever they had going on together not long after they’d started,” continued the younger boy. “Jaehyun said something about him getting over his past stuff and ‘not giving him such a hard time’.” Anger still flared in Woonhak’s eyes; he still didn’t seem to have taken in what Donghyun had said. However, the long-haired boy’s gaze now shifted directly to Sungho, who was looking at him with the same expression of surprise.
“I swear on my life I had no idea,” the blond confessed, before any accusations could be levelled at him. “I stopped talking to Jaehyun as soon as they started going out.”
“Jealous?” asked Woonhak, trying to throw Sungho off balance a little, but the look in his eyes spoke louder than words. “Oh.”
Dinner had gone from being a small get-together amongst friends to a scene straight out of a sitcom, in which Donghyun had just found out that his best friend’s former relationship had gone down the drain, and Sungho had just admitted, almost openly, that he fancied Jaehyun. As if that weren’t enough, Woonhak was watching all this unfold, not quite sure how to handle the situation, with New Year’s approaching fast.
With things calmer—and, above all, less heated—everything seemed a little less tense than before that conversation. Clearly, some uncomfortable issues had been raised, but somehow the three friends had managed to finally open up to one another.
The much-anticipated stroke of midnight arrived, marking, once and for all, the start of the new year, and with it everything Donghyun wanted it to mean. Woonhak rushed over to give Donghyun a hug whilst shouting with elation at the situation (and because of the few too many drinks he’d had). At that moment, the dark-haired man wondered whether he’d really done the right thing by leaving for Busan, whether it had been the right choice to have left everything behind, including these moments. With teary eyes and his gaze fixed on those who had once been his life partners, it wasn’t until later that he realised his mobile was lighting up, vibrating on the table because of an incoming call.
Incoming call from Unknown number.
Without giving the situation much further thought, he assumed it must be a relative he hadn’t saved in his contacts, or perhaps a university friend he’d spoken to once or twice but hadn’t saved either. But the moment the first cadence of that voice breached the air, Donghyun froze. A paralyzing chill surged through him, as if his very blood had plummeted to his feet, anchoring him to the earth in a state of sudden, breathless stasis.
“Donghyun-ah, please tell me you’ve come to Seoul.”
Sungho and Woonhak stopped making noise for a second when they saw how Donghyun had suddenly gone pale, frozen in place by what he could hear through his speaker.
“Don’t tell me he called him,” the younger one whispered to Sungho, who was watching the brown-haired boy intently, trying to work out from his expression what on earth was going through his mind. “I’m afraid so.”
“What do you want?” he replied sharply, trying to hide the fear coursing through his body.
“To see you. It’s not that I want to. I need to see you,” the older man whimpered down the line, a slight wobble in his voice confirming to Donghyun that, as always, he’d been drinking. “Please, you can’t leave again before I’ve seen you.”
“Don’t piss me off-” I was about to cut him off, but his reply was quicker.
“I know you’re at Woonhak’s. I’m on my way,” which meant he was about five minutes away at most, as they literally all lived right on top of one another. “All I’m asking is to see you, and to let me speak. I’m not asking for anything else.”
“Okay. Let me know when you get here.” After letting out a deep sigh and throwing his head back as if all his thoughts weighed so heavily on him that he needed to do so, he hung up the phone and finally noticed the gaping mouths of his two friends.
“Did he beg you?” asked Woonhak. “I didn’t see Dongmin as a yearner.”
“You didn’t know him well, then.” That was all Donghyun could say just before receiving a message from Dongmin letting him know he was in the area. “Er… well… I’m going upstairs for a moment. If I shout really loudly, come back to rescue me.”
With laughter in the background and Sungho patting him on the shoulder in a gesture of support, Donghyun went upstairs to confront the ghost of his past—his former best friend, his former lover, his former everything
The dark-haired man would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little pleased to see him, and if he didn’t admit that that night, bathed in the glow of the Christmas lights, Dongmin seemed a little more handsome than in the previous photos he’d seen of him. He seemed a little more like himself – the Dongmin he’d always known.
“You’re back,” the dark-haired man began.
“Just for the holidays.”
“You can’t leave again, Donghyun,” his voice was shaky, partly because of the cold, partly because it was clear the alcohol was still coursing through his veins.
“Don’t talk nonsense, Dongmin,” he remained cold to the attempt to accept everything the older said, something he’d been very used to doing since he was a child. “You’re drunk.”
"I mean this from the bottom of my heart," Dongmin took his hands as he spoke, this time in a slightly louder, more dramatic and, above all, more heartfelt tone. "Look me in the eyes, Donghyun. Look at me and tell me you know I mean it. You know me."
He knew him. He knew the Dongmin who had always encouraged him to follow his passion, the one who couldn’t go more than two days without speaking to him because, if he didn’t, he’d turn up at his house with a plan for them to do something together. He knew the Dongmin who would have dropped whatever he was doing to adapt to Donghyun’s slower pace—not the one who’d abandoned him at the first sign of trouble, not the one who drank non-stop.
But the reality was that Dongmin was right. Donghyun could drown in that gaze and find only honesty. There was that unmistakable vulnerability in his eyes, the same light that had danced there as a child when offering half-hearted apologies for stolen sweets; the same subconscious pout that surfaced under his mother’s reprimands. He recognised those expressions because they were his best friend’s most distinctive traits, and although he’d love to be able to kick him in the mouth and leave him completely behind, he couldn’t. He couldn’t turn his back on the boy who was looking at him for the first time in months with the same eyes he’d always looked at him with.
"Why do you want me to stay?" Donghyun asked. At the question, the dark-haired man's eyes slowly began to well up with tears. This was new. In 11 years of friendship, Donghyun had never seen Dongmin cry, not even once. It must be the alcohol.
"I can't live without you." Clear and concise, Dongmin seemed to have his words perfectly prepared.
"You could have thought about that before you stopped talking to me." Bang. He wasn't going to let anything slip by. Donghyun was tired, tired of waiting for things to fix themselves when the damage was already done.
"I didn't realize it until I lost you, Donghyun," he whimpered, squeezing the brunette's hands, which he still held in his own. "I wasn't aware that, somehow, I had gotten used to living with you in a way that I no longer know how to do it without you."
"Why?"
Dongmin tilted his head to the side, emphasizing his confusion about what his friend meant.
"Why did you stop talking to me? Why did you disappear that night?" Donghyun pulled away from the older man's grip, gesturing to emphasize his words. "What could I have done that day that was so awful, Dongmin? Didn't you like the feel of my skin? Didn't you like that I took you out of there? Well, I'm sorry!"
The dark-haired boy tried to interrupt him, but Donghyun's voice kept getting louder and louder.
"Sorry for not being Jaehyun! Because I don't like to party, because I'm not fun enough. I left, I left you alone, you don't have to keep carrying me around, what more do you want?"
"I want you, Donghyun. You're an idiot, you're not understanding me." Everything stopped abruptly. "You're not Jaehyun, and that's the problem. But because Jaehyun could never be you. His skin could never be yours, my feelings could never be his either."
Now Donghyun was even more confused. Was he being teased?
"Dongmin, you don't even know what you're saying, you're drunk."
"I've been drinking, but not so much that I don't know what I'm saying," he said, moving closer to the brown-haired boy again. "Donghyun, every day since we stopped talking has felt like a knife in the back. I can't live without you, without your love."
Though Donghyun suspected a fever dream, his gaze remained anchored to Dongmin’s eyes. For the first time in agonizing months, he could see those warmer features of his friend, he saw him. Truly saw him. His Dongmin.
"That night I was about to kiss you, but I ran away. I ran away because I'm a coward, because Jaehyun and I had… something strange between us. But that night I realized that that something had never felt like the kiss I gave you on the cheek," he paused to breathe and then continued with the litany of feelings that seemed to have been locked away for years. "I tried, I tried because I didn't want to face the idea of having loved you that way and never being able to give you what you deserved."
By this point, Dongmin's face was already covered in tears, and Donghyun's eyes were glassy at the whole situation. He was overwhelmed by everything, but above all, he couldn't believe it was happening to him.
"Jaehyun tried to make me believe that being apart from you was the best thing, that being with you wasn't so cool. And until recently I didn't realize that the problem was that I wasn't me without you. There is no Han Dongmin that doesn't include you, Kim Donghyun."
Donghyun probably had a lot to say at that moment; in fact, he had more doubts than anything else, but he couldn't not do it. He took Dongmin's cheeks in his hands, wet with the tears that had been falling from his eyes since he'd started speaking, and after wiping away some of the drops that were halfway down his cheeks, he kissed him. For the first time, the lips of the two friends were meeting in something that wasn't a dream. The touch was as real and as burning as Donghyun had imagined since their first contact.
When they separated, the brunette fixed his gaze on Dongmin again, who for the first time all night showed that childlike smile he loved so much. They both laughed, they laughed the same way they always had, but this time at a ridiculous distance between them. And for the first time in months, Donghyun felt whole again; that sparkle that his friends longed for so much returned, but above all, that Dongmin missed so much.
"If you ever stop talking to me again because you can't accept that you've always liked me, I swear, Dongmin, I'll file a complaint against you for psychological abuse," Donghyun said, laughing.
"I'll never leave you again, I promise."
And with a pinky-pink gesture, just the way they loved it, Donghyun and Dongmin went back to being what they'd always been.