Chapter Text
Tsukasa tried to ring his parents for the thirteenth time that evening. More and more tears ran down his face as the phone rang out once again. No-one was coming home, were they? He’d called so many times, and it was nearly midnight, they really weren’t coming….
It wasn’t like they’d never come back… right? The thought of them, of his mother, his father… of Saki, never coming back made him even more terrified than any potential burglar. It was just that Saki was unwell again right? She must be in a really bad way… and in that case he had to hold it together! Because he was the big brother…!
But… but he didn’t want to be alone either.
He slumped down onto the hard kitchen floor, back against the wooden cabinets. Tsukasa buried his face in his knees as he clenched his fists tightly, nails digging into soft skin.
Dad and mum… they care more about Saki than him.
Someone like him… didn't matter at all.
Well, whatever! He clenched his jaw, jagged breathing filling the silent empty room as another wave of tears poured down his face. He didn’t care anymore! So what if mum and dad forgot all about him! And Saki..! Even Saki!
He couldn’t stop himself from crying aloud, deep, heaving sobs as he curled more into himself.
Even Saki–!
Tsukasa woke with a gasp, jolting upright in his bed, hand clenching his pajama shirt in a tight fist. His ears were ringing and the sound of his rapid, heaving, breaths drowned out any other noise. He tried to calm his breathing, flattening his fist to push his palm against his chest, focusing on the not-so steady beating of his heart.
Ba-dum ba-dum
Inhale
Ba-dum ba-dun ba-dum
Exhale
The deep breathing helped to slow his racing heart and centre his attention on calming down rather than the source of his panic. Finally relaxed and now exhausted Tsukasa let himself fall backwards onto his pillows, hand still flat against his chest.
It was that dream again.
Ever since that show they did a couple weeks ago Tsukasa had dreamt of that night again and again. No matter how hard he tried to distract himself, he hadn't been able to get those memories to leave his mind. It was like he’d opened Pandora's box and now that he’d remembered how he’d felt that night, he couldn't get himself to forget again. To make matters worse, these memories had started to impact his current emotions. For the last couple weeks he’d slept with a nightlight next to his bed. He didn’t even remember being scared of the dark until now and suddenly it was like he was ten years old again and every darkened corner sparked a deep seated fear in his heart. He hated it, it made him feel pathetic. How was he supposed to be a great big brother and world famous star if he couldn’t even handle a shadowed room?
But what was worse were the feelings of hatred and anger that he had so selfishly harboured back then. Every night he experienced that anger once again, the hatred towards his parents for forgetting about him. He’d felt so furious and upset that his parents cared more about Saki than him. Yet, more so than anything, he hated himself for daring to feel such a way towards his family. He’d started to feel guilty every morning when greeting his parents and Saki before school. How could he deserve to feel their love and kindness when he was so selfish? The feelings of guilt became so strong they manifested into a physical feeling, a knot in his stomach. Butterflies that flapped around all day, reminding him of how horrible, how pathetic and utterly selfish he was.
He was torn from his thoughts by the blaring sound of his alarm. Was it time for school already?
Getting dressed as fast as he could he haphazardly shoved his books into his bag, foregoing mentally checking each book corresponded with his subjects that day as he usually did. The more time he spent at home the worse he felt, so he decided to simply try and get out of the house as quickly as possible each morning. He didn’t mind waiting an extra twenty or thirty minutes outside of school in the morning, and being first in meant it was less likely he’d be roped into conversation with others. It wasn't that he didn't want to see his friends, that was far from it. But his mind kept wandering back to that night and he was scared of saying the wrong thing or misspeaking, and revealing to his beloved friends what a loathsome person he truly was.
Rushing downstairs he grabbed a piece of toast and fruit from the kitchen, juggling the food in one hand and his school bag in the other as he fastened on his shoes. He heard footsteps approach him from behind and that familiar pit started to form in his stomach.
‘Leaving early again Tsukasa?’ His mum asked as she placed a hand on his shoulder.
He stilled, even through his shirt her hand felt like ice piercing his skin. He didn’t deserve this affection.
‘Don’t burn yourself out too much before your exams even start, yeah?’ She continued after he failed to respond. That's right, he almost forgot the excuse he’d been giving for his early leaving. He told them that he was leaving early so that he could be the first in the morning and get some studying done before classes started, in preparation for his final exams. And it wasn’t a complete lie! He had actually been getting more revision done as a means of taking his mind off those memories. Although admittedly much of that time was wasted by him walling in his own self-loathing and wondering if he even deserved to be a star-
‘Don’t worry mum, I won’t push myself too hard’ He replied, momentarily meeting her eyes as he flashed her his signature wide grin.
‘Alright, love you Tsukasa, have a good day today.’ She squeezed his shoulder affectionately before turning to walk back into the living room.
‘Love you too mum…’
He made sure the door was shut properly behind him and looked both ways to make sure that the street was empty before letting his grin fall, a deep frown taking its place as he began his trek to school. At least this early the streets weren't that busy and he could walk in relatively peaceful solitude. He waited outside the school gates for about twenty minutes before he was able to go inside. There were only one or two other people there, none of which were in any of his classes.
Keeping his head down, having memorised the route, he made his way to his homeroom class. He opened the door, relief flooding through his body at the sight of the empty chairs. He made his way over to his regular desk and slipped quietly into the seat. Finally able to relax he rested his head into his arms. To his surprise his eyes felt immensely heavy and a deep sense of tiredness spread throughout his being. Tsukasa supposed he hadn't really been getting the best sleep, and had been getting up a good hour before he used to. It couldn’t hurt to take a little nap… right? He barely had time to try and figure out how much time he had until lessons started before his body chose for him and he drifted off to sleep.
***
‘Tsukasaa?’ A lilted voice alongside a prodding at his side stirred Tsukasa from his slumber. Feeling too lethargic to jump up as he usually would, he instead twisted his neck, turning his face towards the source of the voice. Amber eyes met yellow and Tsukasa just about managed to put on another of his bedazzling smiles for the purple-haired boy before him.
‘Ah, hello Rui, thank you for waking me.’ Tsukasa’s voice was quieter than normal but he hoped Rui wouldn’t pick up on it. An emotion he couldn’t quite place flashed across Rui’s face, so much for that, Rui had been checking up on Tsukasa more often ever since that performance and he definitely knew something was wrong. Even if he’d yet to say so.
‘Are you feeling tired, Tsukasa? You slept through all of homeroom’
That made Tsukasa shoot up, ‘WHAT?’ He yelled in shock, jumping from his seat with a newfound burst of energy and grabbing his bag, ‘WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME EARLIER!? WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE!!!’.
Rui just laughed, ‘This is NOT funny Rui!! A future star cannot EVER be late!!!’
‘I’m sorry Tsukasa-kun~, but you looked so peaceful I just couldn’t bring myself to wake you’ Rui replied, clutching his chest dramatically.
‘Oh- whatever! Come on, we're going to be late!’
‘Yes, yes, you go ahead Tsukasa I just need to get my bags’ Rui chuckled. Tsukasa grumbled in response but took off in the direction of his first class.
Once Tsukasa was gone Rui’s face morphed from a playful smirk to a far more serious look. Taking out his phone he shot a quick text message before grabbing his backpack and heading off after Tsukasa.