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The grocery store was always empty this time of day. Most people would be asleep at 3 AM on a Tuesday, but since you worked the night shift at the Denny’s next door, you always did your grocery shopping at such ungodly hours.
You approached aisle 3, looking for your favorite kind of soup. The kind with the noodles shaped like Dora characters, you know? Yeah, that kind.
A beautiful display of soup cans arranged in a careful pyramid stood in your way. You looked closer at the pyramid, trying to pick out the Dora can in the stack of normal, boring soups. Just then, you hear someone walking your way.
You turn around to see the most beautiful man you have ever laid eyes on. He wore a tank top with his own likeness emblazoned onto it, and sunglasses indoors (always a bold fashion choice). He made finger guns at you, and they may as well have been real guns, because your heart stopped right there. He was clearly a fashion icon, wearing a denim vest along with his denim fedora and sparkly pants.
“Hello, Karamatsu Girl~,” he said seductively. He leaned against the display of soups, causing them all to topple onto the ground.
As the soup cans fell into a giant pile, the only thought racing through your head was “Hot damn, take me now.” Never had you seen anyone so poised, so graceful – so refined in taste. This man clearly knew what he was doing: a master of seduction and romance.
When he noticed a few angry staff members coming your way, he took your hand.
“Run away with me,” he said, clearly intending to avoid any confrontation with the workers. You gladly ran with him. Holding his hand, you noticed his skin was so soft it felt a little bit slimy – clearly he overmoisturized, but he only did it because he cared. As you ran, you admired this beautiful man a bit more. The way the excess of gel in his hair glinted in the moonlight, how the street lights reflected off the sequins covering his pants, blinding you. The way he ran like he was trying way too hard to keep his armpits from sweating, arms raised strangely high above his sides.
He took you to a dark alleyway, and you were so ready to get your Sexy Time on. Then - he reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a small black book.
“Let me read you some poetry, my Love~” he said. Even better, you thought. A man like this clearly had a way with words. He cleared his throat, and began.
“When I see you,
My heart does back flips.
It flips not front, but back,
Flipping over backwards
For your love.
My soul is blue,
And my shirt is too,
And I love you.
Your eyes shine,
Like my pants.”
You were brought to tears by this man’s poetry. Such power in these words – something you could never achieve. He noticed your state, and held you closer. You were drawn in by his enticing scent of Carmex and Axe Body Spray.
He whispered into your ear: “If stars were real, and not just made up by big government to sell tickets to the moon, you would be more beautiful than all of them.”
Your heart skipped a beat. This man was a poet, a romantic – exactly what you wanted in a man. When he offered to take you home, you couldn’t resist.
What you didn’t expect, however, was that he still lived at his home with his parents and five brothers.
As you walk in, a sad looking little man glances at Karamatsu angrily.
“Shittymatsu, how much did you have to pay her to go on a date with you?” he asked. Karamatsu laughed it off.
“Ahaa, nii-san, that is where you are wrong. I simply charmed her, and now we will fall in a beautiful love like that of Barack and Michelle Obama,” he replied. You smiled. The Obama family was honestly #goals.
You walked with Kara to an empty room, locking the door behind you. All right, time for some Sexy Times.
He sat down on the couch next to you, swinging his arm around you – but only to reach around you and grab a deck of cards.
“Would you like to see my magic trick?” he asked. You laughed and nodded your head, and he began.
He fanned out the deck of cards, offering them to you.
“Pick a card, my love~,” he said.
You picked out a card – the Ace of Hearts.
“Now put it back, and I shall find your card… with the power of Love…………...”
You placed the card back in the deck, and Kara put the deck back together. He shuffled the deck with overmoisturized hands, and pulled out a card from the deck. He held out an Ace of Hearts, the very same card you had picked out.
“Was this your card?” he asked.
You told him that it was, and he clapped.
“Would you like to know how I knew?” he asked.
“I suppose,” you replied.
“Because… You’re the Ace of my Heart……………….” he said, his eyes sparkling (like… actually sparkling).
Just then, the small, tired man walked into the room.
“You know his secret right? All of those cards are the ace of hearts. He bought 52 decks and took the ace of hearts out of each one for this dumb magic trick.”
You looked at the small, tired man. What a buzzkill.
“Oh, this is my amazing brother Ichimatsu! He carries the weight of a thousand worlds on his shoulders… He feels so much, yet keeps it all bottled up inside...” lamented Kara, gesturing dramatically toward the ceiling. His performance nearly caused you to tear up.
“Shut the fuck up, Shittymatsu,” replied Ichimatsu, slamming the door behind him as he left.
“Ah, brotherly love~,” said Karamatsu lovingly.
“Seems kinda shitty to me.” you replied. Anyone who would dare insult this beautiful man was undeniably trash.
“It’s okay, it’s usually like that,” he said. The door slammed open, and two men walked through.
“Ah, Shittymatsu, looking painful as ever,” the one in the red said. Why were his brothers so mean?
“Nice to see you, Osomatsu, how was Pachinko today?” asked Karamatsu.
The man in the red looked upset by this.
“...Nii-san had a bad day today,” answered the one in the green. A gambling addict? Karamatsu deserved better than this.
Both brothers left, closing the door more gently than the tired looking brother did.
“You have some shitty brothers,” you said. “You really deserve better treatment, you know. They seem pretty terrible if you ask me.”
And that’s when Karamatsu kicked you out of the Matsuno household.
Oh well, you thought. He was pretty shitty anyways.