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“How long do you think it’ll be till Heather comes back with the ice creams?” Bill whinged. “It’s bloody hot.”
“She just left, like, three minutes ago,” Yaz chided. “There’s deffo gonna be a queue. I’m sure you’ll survive. Least we’ve got a bit of shade.” They were currently operating a booth at the local pride festival for the youth crisis centre they all worked at, and it was an unusually warm day.
“I don’t know, Yaz,” Bill said airily. “I could melt into a puddle. A big, gay, puddle.”
“Oh, like you do anytime Heather smiles at you?” Yaz teased. She had felt rather smug when she’d managed to finally get Bill and Heather to admit their mutual crushes, and while she sometimes felt a pang of loneliness being their third wheel all the time, she genuinely loved how much they clearly adored each other.
“Listen,” Bill said, holding her hands up in an accepting gesture. “You’ve seen those starry eyes, haven’t you? S’not my fault.”
Yaz chuckled. “You guys are so cute, it makes me sick.”
“Just don’t throw up on me, mate,” Bill said, scrunching her nose. “These are my good Docs.”
Yaz’s responding laugh caught in her throat as her gaze fell on the side profile of a blonde woman walking through the array of booths. Her heart stopped in her chest, like it was recognising what - who - she was seeing before her brain could.
Sam.
No. It couldn’t be. She hadn’t seen or even heard from Sam in four years, ever since -
“Yaz? You still with me?”
“Huh?” Yaz turned to face Bill, her brows furrowed as she tried to blink herself back into the present moment. “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”
Bill glanced in the direction Yaz had been staring at, raising an eyebrow as she looked back at Yaz. “Did I miss something, or are you suddenly fascinated by the Barclays booth?”
“No, I just…” Yaz shook her head. “Thought I saw this girl I used to know. That’s all.”
“By the look on your face, she doesn’t seem like just any girl,” Bill remarked. “She your ex or something? Looks like you saw a bloody ghost.”
“No,” Yaz said immediately. She felt that age-old familiar pain in her chest, the one that always happened when she thought of Sam and how they’d parted. “We never dated.”
“Ah, I see. The rite-of-passage homoerotic ex-friend, then,” Bill said solemnly. “Makes sense now, I guess.”
Yaz frowned. “What does?”
“Why you’d never go on any of the dates I tried to set you up with.”
“That’s not - I -” Yaz huffed. “I’m too busy with work. It has nothing to do with… with her.”
“Right,” Bill said dryly. “And that’s why you can’t even say her name.”
Yaz sighed. “Her name’s Sam.”
“Is she blonde?”
Yaz’s eyes narrowed. “Yes,” she answered slowly, suspiciously.
Bill snorted. “Yeah. That tracks.”
Yaz punched her in the arm. “Prick.”
Bill just gave her an angelic smile. “So, you think you just saw her? I’d like to meet this mysterious woman who has your heart.”
Yaz rolled her eyes, deciding not to fight Bill on her assumption - mostly because it was, unfortunately, true. She’d been a goner for Sam from the day they’d met. “Yeah, well, don’t get your hopes up. Last I heard, she was backpacking in Australia or something. There wouldn’t be any reason for her to be here, of all places. S’just someone who looked like her.”
What Yaz didn’t tell Bill was that she hadn’t heard that information from Sam herself; she wasn’t exactly keen to admit that she’d been regularly stalking Sam’s mum’s Facebook page to get occasional updates. There still weren't many - Sarah Jane wasn’t an active poster to begin with, and Yaz could only assume that Sam was still just as bad at communication as she always had been.
It was still more than Yaz had ever gotten, though. Four years, and not a word from the person who had been her best friend in the whole world.
She’d never even said goodbye.
What hurt the most, though, was that Yaz was almost certain of the reason Sam had left.
She’d known.
She’d known that Yaz was in love with her; she’d felt it in her bones that Yaz was soon going to tell her. And because she didn’t feel the same way, she’d left.
Sam had never been very good at feelings, after all.
Yaz tried to just count herself lucky; at least she hadn’t had to face Sam’s rejection head-on, hadn’t had to see the pain in her friend’s face when Yaz forced her to acknowledge what had been unspoken for so long.
Of course, it was easier said than done. Losing Sam was something that left a constant ache in her chest, a longing for something she knew she’d never have again.
Luckily, she was saved from any further conversation about Sam by a couple of people coming by the booth. She and Bill chatted with them about the youth centre, explaining their mission and the work they did. The couple happily gave a donation, and Yaz gave them a couple of rainbow rubber bracelets.
“Should probably restock up here,” Yaz noted when the couple had left. She got up and turned around, bending down to look into their bin of supplies. “Hey, babes, maybe we should -”
“Hi.”
Yaz froze. That voice. She knew that voice.
“Hey!” She heard Bill respond in her chipper professional voice. Barely able to breathe, Yaz stood up, turning around. “I’m Bill, and this is -”
“Yaz,” Sam breathed. “It is you.”
Bill’s frown shifted into a look of dawning understanding as she looked between Sam and Yaz. “You guys, uh, know each other, then?”
Sam shifted nervously. “Um, yeah. I’m -”
“Sam.” The name fell from her lips, both a realisation and an awakening. “My…friend.”
The girl who broke my heart and never looked back.
Sam swallowed hard as she held Yaz’s gaze, the summer air feeling even more thick and suffocating than usual.
Sam was here, standing in front of Yaz, looking just the same as she had four years ago.
Well. Almost the same. As Yaz stared into those familiar hazel eyes, she could have sworn there was something about them that was almost… haunted.
Bill cleared her throat, and the tension shattered.
“Right,” Sam said swiftly. She looked between Yaz and Bill, lips pressed together into a tight smile. “Sorry. Bill, right?” Her tone would sound polite to most people, but Yaz knew her well enough to hear the undercurrent of tension in her voice.
Was she… jealous? That didn’t make sense.
“The one and only,” Bill said cheerily, leaning back in her chair. “Heard a lot about you, Sam.”
“No, you haven’t,” Yaz muttered, her cheeks darkening as she glanced furtively at Sam. “Listen, um, maybe -”
“Ice cream!” Bill crowed, jumping out of her chair and bounding over to where Heather was approaching them. She took one of the ice creams from Heather’s hand before kissing her soundly, leading to a couple of whoops from nearby festivalgoers.
She looked over at Sam, who had a look of something akin to relief. When she noticed Yaz’s gaze, her cheeks pinkened and she cleared her throat. “So, Bill is -”
“My coworker,” Yaz said quickly. “And friend, even if she’s a pain in my arse sometimes. Her girlfriend Heather works with us, too. We’re all running the booth today.”
Sam hummed. “She seems nice.”
You didn’t seem to be so keen on her two minutes ago, Yaz thought. Not that she’d ever be brave enough to say that out loud. “She is,” Yaz said instead.
There was a moment of awkward silence before Sam spoke again. “So, um, are you here at the booth all day, then?”
“Uh, yeah,” Yaz said, her stomach doing a flip. “Why?”
“Oh, just curious,” Sam said, giving a half-hearted shrug. Against her will, Yaz deflated a little, and she tried to hide the dejection she felt. To her surprise, though, she saw a tiny flicker of something cross Sam’s face, and she spoke again. “Actually, um. I were wondering if you’d gotten a chance to see any of the festival yet. And if you hadn’t, whether you wanted to. See it. With me. Like just walk around for a bit.” Sam had quickly devolved into the adorable rambling Yaz had always loved, and her heart ached.
“I’d like that,” Yaz said with a small smile. She sighed. “But I don’t think I can -”
“Sure you can,” Bill said breezily as her and Heather came back up to the booth. “Heather and I can manage without you for a while, I’m sure. I’ll just keep your ice cream as payment.”
“Oh,” Yaz said dumbly. Could this day get any more surreal? “Right. Cool. Um, thanks, guys.”
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Bill said sweetly, winking at Yaz. Heather rolled her eyes exasperatedly, shooing Yaz and Sam off as a group of rainbow-clad teenagers approached the booth.
“So, um, where to first?” Yaz asked, feeling as awkward as a newborn giraffe trying to find their footing. Which was ridiculous, really. This was Sam. Her best mate. No, they hadn’t seen each other in years, but they were still the same people - mostly, anyway. Being around the blonde had always felt as easy as breathing; time didn’t need to change that. She could be normal. She could be… friends.
“There were a couple of interesting-looking stalls over this way,” Sam suggested. “If you wanted to do a bit of shopping.”
Yaz agreed, and ended up finding a few cute little things. She got a crochet rainbow dragon to sit on her desk at work, a couple of pins for her jacket, and a book about sapphic pirates from an indie author.
“Ooh, these feel like something you’d like,” Sam said as they walked past a booth selling different kinds of jewelry. It was a pair of rings, fashioned to look like heartbeats.
“They are,” Yaz admitted. “But I’ve already spent too much money. I need to be stopped.”
Sam shrugged. “I’ll get them for you.”
Yaz blushed. “No, seriously. You don’t need to do that.”
“I want to,” Sam said, picking up the rings before Yaz could stop her and slipping a few notes to the vendor.
“Thanks,” Yaz mumbled as they walked off and Sam handed her the little bag. “That was… really nice of you.”
“Reckon it’s the least I can do,” Sam said, sounding rather tentative. Yaz’s heart skipped a beat; it was the first time either of them had alluded to how they’d parted.
Apparently, Yaz had taken too long to decide what to say, and Sam changed the subject. “Want to go get an ice cream? Since Bill took yours and all.”
Yaz nodded, pressing her lips together into a smile. “Sure.”
They walked around a bit longer with their ice creams, catching up on some of the basics that had happened in the last few years. Surprisingly, Yaz had found it rather easy to slip back into their comfortable rhythm.
“So how’d you end up at the youth centre?” Sam asked. “You were about to start probation when I… when I left.”
Yaz scrunched her nose. “Yeah. Realised pretty quickly that it wasn’t what I really wanted. The whole reason I wanted to be a police officer was to help people, you know? And all I was doing were bloody parking disputes. So I left. Got an apprenticeship at the centre, and here we are.”
“And you’re happy?” Sam asked curiously.
Yaz smiled softly. “Yeah.” She breathed a laugh. “It’s a lot of hard work - I’m pretty much married to the job. But working with all these queer kids… it makes me feel like I have a purpose. Like I finally have something to give to the world.”
Sam stopped, looking intently at Yaz. “You’re a special person, Yasmin Khan. You’ve always had something to give to the world. I’m just glad you see it now.”
Yaz’s lips parted as she stared back at Sam, speechless at the earnest honesty in her voice. Sam stared back at her, the air fraught between them. The tension proved to be too much for Yaz, though, and she finally turned away, feeling like her cheeks were on fire as they started walking again.
“So what have you been up to?” she asked, hoping she didn’t sound as flustered as she felt.
“Mm. Lots of travelin’, mostly,” Sam answered. “Was in Australia for the last nine months or so. Really liked it there.”
“Yeah? What was it like?”
“Bloody boiling, for most of it,” Sam grumbled. “Can’t believe I left the heat there only to come back to summer again. Not my best work.”
“You don’t look like you spent a lot of time in the sun,” Yaz teased. The blonde was still as pale as ever.
“Had to slather meself in sunscreen every day,” Sam said seriously. “I swear, it’s like the sun knows when you’re English.”
Yaz laughed. “But it was nice?”
Sam grinned. “Oh, yeah, it was ace. Backpacked around and did a bunch of odd jobs. Ended up finding myself a camper and fixing her up - bit sad I had to leave her behind, to be honest.” Her eyes brightened even further. “Volunteered at a wildlife shelter for a while, too.”
Yaz blanched. “Nothing tried to eat you?”
Sam chuckled. “Nah, I stayed mostly in the southern half of the continent. Biggest thing you have to worry about there is spiders and snakes, which isn’t that different from here. I made friends with lots of kangaroos.”
“Sounds ace,” Yaz said. “Do you have any pictures?”
“Oh, lots,” Sam said, grabbing out her phone. “Let’s go sit somewhere and I can show you?”
Sam swiped through her photos, showing Yaz all sorts of different animals she’d come across and telling her all their names and stories.
“And this one - oh. This is Lady Featherington,” Sam said dryly when she swiped to a video. “An emu.”
Yaz almost cackled as the video played - it was of Sam, waving around a giant broom as Lady Featherington chased after her, all long neck and flapping wings. Sam was shrieking, and the woman holding the camera let out a belly laugh. A flicker of jealousy went through her at the sound.
“Whoever took the video really just left you to struggle, eh?” Yaz quipped, hoping Sam would offer some more information.
“That’s Amy,” Sam said, rolling her eyes as she smiled. That possessive envy went through Yaz once more, and she wondered if Sam could tell, because - “I met her and her husband Rory while I was out there, and we traveled for a bit together. They’re good friends.” There was a slight emphasis on those last few words, and Yaz felt a wave of relief. Not that she should. What did it matter if Sam had - or was - dating someone? Yaz had no claim over her; she never had. “Look, this is the three of us feeding some of the kangaroo joeys.”
She showed Yaz some more photos until Yaz’s gaze happened to catch on the time. “Oh, shit,” she said, reaching for her own phone. “I didn’t notice what time it was. I gotta get back and help Bill and Heather close up shop.”
Yaz wasn’t sure if Sam actually looked disappointed, or if she was just seeing what she wanted to see. “Ah, yeah. Maybe, um… maybe I can walk you back?”
Yaz nodded, her heart fluttering in her chest. “Sure. I’ll just let her know I’m on the way.” She fired off a text to Bill, who answered immediately.
[yaz] lost track of time. im heading back to help you take everything down
[yaz] so sorry
[bill] dw me and heather got this. have fun with your girl xx
Yaz felt like her cheeks were on fire, and she hoped Sam couldn’t tell how flustered she was.
[yaz] not my girl, bill 🙄
[yaz] but thanks. i owe you guys x
“So they actually said they’ve got it handled,” Yaz said lightly, sliding her phone back into her pocket. “If you wanted to, um, keep hanging out for a bit. Maybe we could grab dinner.”
Sam’s face brightened. “Oh, ace. Yeah, I’d love to.”
***
Yaz had caught a ride to the festival with Bill, but luckily Sam had borrowed her mum’s car for the day. It was strange, how familiar it felt being in the passenger seat while Sam drove down the motorway, Coldplay playing on the stereo. They’d settled on getting some takeaway, taking their pizza and driving out to their old favourite park. Sam told her more about her backpacking adventures, and Yaz told her more about the work she’d been doing at the youth centre as well as how her family was doing.
“Sonya still can’t keep a job to save her life,” Yaz said, rolling her eyes.
“And you’re married to yours,” Sam teased. “Opposite ends of the spectrum, it seems.”
“In so many ways,” Yaz agreed with a laugh.
After they’d finished their pizza, they threw their rubbish into a nearby bin and decided to go for a walk. The sun was starting to set over the horizon, and Yaz shivered a bit when the breeze blew. Immediately, Sam took off the jacket she was wearing, offering it to Yaz. She wanted to refuse, but she couldn’t deny that if they stayed out much longer she was going to be absolutely freezing - and she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Sam yet. She slid the jacket on, inhaling the familiar scent of Earl Grey and peppermint that was so distinctly Sam it hurt.
They’d been walking in comfortable silence for a bit when Sam finally spoke. “Yaz…” she said hesitantly. “I’m sorry.”
Yaz swallowed hard, her throat immediately tightening. So. This was it. The elephant in the room, finally being addressed.
“You didn’t say goodbye.” They weren’t the words Yaz had necessarily expected or intended to say, but she could hear the pain beneath them and knew that it was the thing she needed to say most. It was one thing for Sam to not return her feelings; that, Yaz could live with.
But she’d abandoned her without a second thought. Without the courtesy of even telling her she was going.
Sam bit her lower lip so hard that Yaz was afraid she might bleed. “I couldn’t.”
“Why not?” Yaz couldn’t help the bit of exasperation, of bitterness that coloured her words. She needed answers, not some vague excuses that she’d spend sleepless nights ruminating over, trying to wring out some sort of closure.
“I was afraid,” Sam said quietly.
Yaz stopped, steeling herself before turning to Sam. No matter what, she was going to lay it all on the line tonight. And if it was the last time they ever spoke… well. At least Yaz couldn’t say that she didn’t try. “Of what?” she asked, lifting her chin. “The fact that I was in love with you?”
Sam swallowed hard. “A little,” she said, barely more than a whisper. “But mostly, the fact that I was in love with you, too.”
All of the air left Yaz’s lungs in one fell swoop, and she was honestly impressed with herself that she hadn’t simply collapsed.
Sam had been in love with her, too.
“You were about to start probation,” Sam continued, her voice starting to break. “You had all these plans, these dreams. A whole life ahead of you. You were going to do so many great things, and I…” She huffed a bitter laugh. “It sounds silly and dramatic now, but I was afraid that I would ruin it all.”
Yaz let out a trembling exhale, shaking her head as tears started to form in her eyes. “I don’t understand.”
“You know me, Yaz,” Sam said ruefully. “I’m not the best at… feelings. I’ve never been able to fix myself to anything. Anywhere. Anyone. I thought that… that leaving, that letting you live the life you were meant for, was the best thing I could do for you. And that’s why I couldn’t say goodbye. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to. That I would just ask you to come with me. And that you would say yes.”
Yaz bit her lip. “I would have,” she admitted. She took in a deep breath. “I still would.”
Sam let out a shaky exhale as she stared at Yaz, her lips staying parted.
“I never stopped loving you, Sam,” Yaz continued, the corner of her mouth tugging upwards into a sad half-smile. “I don’t think I ever could.”
Sam opened her mouth as if to speak, but instead, she stepped forward and suddenly her lips were on Yaz’s.
The brief stunned paralysis Yaz felt quickly dissipated, and she reciprocated with everything she had. She kissed her, and it was a revelation. She kissed her, and it was a homecoming. She kissed her, and it was a reclamation. Sam and Yaz, together, where they belonged.
“I love you, Yaz,” Sam murmured, her breath hot against Yaz’s lips. “God, I love you. I never stopped, either.”
Yaz pulled back, a soft smile spreading across her face as she tucked a stray lock of hair behind Sam’s ear. “Tell me again.”
In the quiet glow of the sunset, Sam kissed her again. “I love you.” She swallowed hard, her cheeks pinkening as she looked shyly at Yaz. “And if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you.” Her blush deepened. “That sounded like - I’m not proposing, I swear. Not that I wouldn’t - I mean, you know, one day, maybe, if you ever - oh, god, I’m -”
Yaz interrupted the adorable rambling she’d missed so much by throwing her arms around Sam’s neck, overwhelmed with emotion. “I love you, too,” she murmured, feeling Sam melt into her embrace. “Welcome home, Sam.”