Work Text:
The dim light of the crappy lamppost flickered, the bench beneath us cold, the warm light slightly illuminating johnnys face.
“What are you looking at pony?”
I must’ve been staring real hard but how could I not? He had such a good smile and he was just so.. pretty?
His dark hair, those beautiful brown eyes, gosh he really was perfect.
“Oh I didn’t notice I was staring” I turned my head, shifting my glance. Man the air was real cold tonight, the thoughts I pushed away so hard always came back, do I like johnny? Does he like me back? What if we tried dati- no I really have to stop thinking like that that’s gross, two guys?
My stomach felt uneasy the more I thought about it, I felt so dirty, what would Darry think? What about dally? Oh God what’s wrong with me? I feel so wrong but a part of me feels right.
“Johnny?”
Only then had I noticed he’d fallen asleep while leaning on my shoulder, I could feel his warmth it was so calming he looks so peaceful I wish we could stay like this a little longer, I don’t wanna go home I know Darry is waiting for me already but I wanna stay with Johnny just a little bit longer. I study his face watching how he breaths and how cute he looks asleep. What if I gave him a small peck? I could feel my heart racing, my face heating up. I leaned down, gently placing a small peck on his forehead.
God I wish this could last forever, I think I’m in love but I don’t want to be, Johnnys a boy so am I, it would never work out.
“I love you Johnny Cade” I whisper gently, making sure not to wake him
I shift awake, my mouth dry, I rub my eyes, feeling the dried tears on my face under my fingers. My heart ached so much but Johnny was dead I knew that. I watched him die, him and Dallas. But god would I kill just to talk to him, to hear that stupid laugh of his, to hold him in my arms again, why Johnny? My face was hot tears sliding down my cheeks.
“God I said i wouldn’t cry no more” I stumble out of bed, my legs weak, my heart hurting. Was it my fault? If I hadn’t run out on Darry like that we would’ve never even gone near that church. FUCK. I slam my head into a wall, the pain instant. Darry or soda wouldn’t have heard it considering that Darry was at work and soda was busy tryna get his girl back, I stumble to the kitchen, each step feels heavier than the last, I search for food to eat but I’m not hungry, i can’t bear to eat anything I miss Johnny that’s why, I haven’t eaten in days no matter how much soda and dairy try I just can’t eat, I lost a lot of weight too, Johnny would told me I looked just fine and I could pick up girls if I tried. But he’s not here no more and I’ll never kiss him again or tell I love him or even play in the lot with him. The knot in my throat hurts it’s hard to swallow now.
My legs start to give out so I sit on the cold kitchen floor, trying not to let the painful feeling in my throat make any noise. What if I went with Johnny? I mean it might make soda sad but it would probably lift a weight off Darry’s shoulder, I mean soda could have his own room and everything. And if there really was heaven like the church talked about would I be able to see Johnny again? Would I hear him laugh again? I just miss him so much, I glance at the knifes, the shiny metal tempting me. Just maybe I’ll see him again even if it’s in another life.