Chapter Text
Recently Coco has been feeling more… lost then usual. I mean her life's been going okay and she's becoming better friends with Agott! And she loves talking with Tetia. And Richeh is so creative when she makes new spells. Master Qifrey has been kind and patient with her, and Master Olruggio is the creator of the stone spell which is the spell she first fell in love with!
She just feels so.. Out of place. Like she's not actually welcome here as an outsider and she’s just here because of pity, or maybe because of her knowledge of the brimmed caps. Like she’s just a tool, or a..
No. no no.
She is welcome here! She needs to be. She needs to learn, learn to be able to save her mom!
her mom.
Her mind keeps going back to that night when she drew that spell.
When she kil- no, she didn't kill her. She's still alive!! She has to be! If she isn’t…
Coco doesn’t know what she would do if her mom wasn’t alive anymore
She would kill herself
What?
Anyways, she's been practicing more and more spells! Since Master Qifrey told her that her specialty is straight lines she’s been doing so so so many of them. Oh! But she's still practicing her circles and sigils too!
Actually! She's going to go practice right now! To keep her mind off of.
That.
Coco was trying to focus, she really was. But she just couldn’t stop thinking about her mom. The thought of forever losing her mother was so terrifying. She would never see her in the morning, making breakfast, folding laundry, getting ready for the day, helping customers….
Coco could go on and on about her mother. She loved her so dearly, but now; Anytime she tries to remember her mothers face all she can think about, all she can ever think about is the stone.
That stupid stone.
That stupid stone she cast.
That stupid stone she cast that killed hurt her mom.
She hurt her mom.
It's all her fault.
She doesn’t deserve to be at the atelier.
Her mom deserves a life without her.
“Mom…” Coco spoke.
She lifted up her hands to wipe her eyes only to find how wet they were. She was still sat at her workbench in the area that she shared with Agott.
Her eyes darted across the desk in search for something, for anything to stop this, to stop thinking of the spells she cast, to stop thinking about how she was the one who killed her mom. How she's the one who causes people trouble. Nobody at this atelier actually likes her do they? She’s just constantly in the way like she always is, they probably hate her, of course they would hate her. Who wouldn’t hate a killer? A murder?
Eventually her eyes found a needle laying on her desk.
She used it occasionally for sewing.
She could.
She could cut herself.
Would that stop these thoughts?
Would it help her forget about the fact everyone in the atelier hates her?
Or would it make it worse?
She reached her hand out to the desk. Her blurry eyes could see it just sitting there.
‘It's taunting me’ she thought.
One cut wouldn't hurt.
She picked up the needle.
She rolled up her sleeve
She cut.
It didn't do much.
She cut again. Harder.
It had drawn blood this time
‘I need more’ coco thought
I mean what did she expect from a small needle?
Coco rolled down her sleeve
She needed to find a knife.
She walked downstairs and found everyone spread about in the main level.
Agott was sitting idly by the fire with a book in her hand.
Tetia and Richeh were attempting to teach brushbuddy tricks.
Master Olruggio had a blanket over him and was napping on a couch
Master Qifrey was… in the kitchen, cooking dinner.
Where the knives were.
‘It’s fine, I'll just come back later tonight after everyone’s in bed’ coco thought
Easier said than done.
Agott was still working in the shared area despite it being later in the night. Now this normally wouldn’t be a problem, except Agott had asked Coco where she was going so late at night, so Coco responded by telling her that she was going to the kitchen to get a glass of water because her throat was dry.
In response to this Agott said she was tired from working anyway so she came down with her.
Damn that alluring Agott.
So now instead of just grabbing the knife and leaving, her and Agott are standing there in silence with glasses of water in their hands.
“Coco.. are you alright..?” Agott spoke with more concern in her voice then normally “You just seem, i dont know.. More lost in thought lately, than you normally are.”
Coco looked up from her glass of water to meet Agott's eyes. Coco always loved her eyes. But Agott was right, Coco hasn’t been hiding her feelings very well, she’ll need to work on that. What if they kick her out because she knows they hate her..?
Even if they do hate her, she would rather have them pretend to like her rather than her being left to fend for herself in the wild with no mom you killed your mom ,no friends, nothing. They would probably erase her memories too!
No no no.
That's why she needs to get that knife.
To stop these thoughts.
She needs the knif-
“Coco!”
Coco was brought back out from her thoughts by Agott who now looked more.. Gentle? Agott didn't usually look that gentle.
“Oh! I'm sorry Agott, I got lost in thought. What did you say?” Coco says. She hopes she doesn't sound too desperate from her thoughts about the knife.
Agott huffs, her face changes into a more irritated expression than from a few seconds ago. She sets her glass down and she faces Coco again.
“I said you’ve been zoned out more than usual, clearly I'm right too because you didn’t listen to a single thing I've said!”
Oh
“I’m so sorry Agott! I promise I'm not trying to ignore you.”
‘Agott would probably want me to stop talking to her altogether.’
"Its fine...” Agott turned her head away from Coco “I just think your not talking about anything that you should”
Oh god
Does Agott know that she knows that they hate her…?
“Ugh jus- whatever i’m going back. Goodnight Coco.”
Agott walks back upstairs, leaving coco alone with her thoughts; again.
Cocos back in her bedroom now. She sits on the floor with her knees drawn up, she has the small knife that they normally use to take the skins off of carrots, potatoes stuff like that, in her hands.
‘It's sharper than I thought.’
She moves her knees down to the floor. The knife now sits in her lap.
‘You got the knife, are you that pathetic that you can’t even do anything now? You can’t even cut yourself?’
She thought
Her thoughts.
She’s doing this to stop those thoughts, right..?
To stop the thoughts about her mom.
The fact she killed her mom.
That's right, she's doing this because she deserves it.
Of course she deserves this, what murderer wouldn’t?
She picks the knife up.
She rolls her sleeve up.
She grazes it against her skin.
It creates a light cut.
She does it again, but this time. Harder.
Cut.
It stings.
Cut.
stings.
Cut.
stings.
Cut .
stings.
Cut.
Stings.
Over and over.
Till the thoughts are gone.
She doesn’t know how long it’s been. The knife has been discarded some where. Coco stares up at the ceiling.
Her arms feel numb.
Her clothes are covered in her blood.
The thoughts are still there.
“I want mom back…” Coco chokes out
Her ears are starting to ring, her eyes are getting blurry, she can barely get any words out.
She falls asleep with blood and cuts all over her arms, with tears in her eyes, and no hope for how she's going to get through this.