Work Text:
Blonde Blazer was working in her office.
Her door opened, and Deadpool walked in.
“Hi, I hear you're hiring former supervillains; how do you feel about former mercenaries?”
“I’m sure we can find a place for you… Provided you don’t kill anyone on the job.”
Deadpool sighed, “*BLEEP* fine! Oh? Are we playing with the swearing censors on? How about the nudity censor?”
He held up his hand, and a black square appeared. “Yep.”
“Wha?” Blazer asked.
There was another knock, and the Suicide Squad walked in.
“We hear you’re hiring former supervillains,” Deadshot said.
“Yes, I’ll arrange some interviews,” Blazer told him.
“Nice.”
There was another knock, and the Thunderbolts walked in.
“We hear–” Yelena began.
“Yes, we hire former supervillains and mercenaries.” Blazer interrupted.
“Yes!” Yelena pumped her fist.
There was yet another knock, and Venom walked in.
“We–”
“Yes! Former supervillains are welcome! Jesus, there are a lot of you.”
“Oh, the supervillain turned superhero trope is very common,” Deadpool told her, “And now for the title screen!”
How Dispatch should have ended
Episode 1
Mecha Man was hanging on a chain, surrounded by supervillains.
“Good news, buddy,” Toxic said, “Shroud says he just wants the Astral Pulse. Which we all know, isn’t really yours anyway.”
“Yeah… I don’t think so,” Mecha Man said.
BOOM!
An explosion created a hole in a wall, and an army of superheroes ran or flew in.
“What?!” Shroud exclaimed.
“I did consider coming on my own,” Mecha Man said, “but then I thought, nah, I’m a popular superhero; I have a few favours I can call in.”
“I didn’t predict this!” Shroud exclaimed before Phenomaman knocked him out.
Blonde Blazer broke the chain, dropping Mecha Man to the floor. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She smiled.
A young woman who had been about to attach a bomb to Mecha Man saw the way the winds were blowing.
“*BLEEP* this!” She turned invisible and escaped.
Episode 2
Mecha Man got close to Waterboy, helping him tie his tie to hide from Flambae.
“A-Are you c-coming on t-to me?” Waterboy asked.
“What?” Mecha Man asked.
“What?” Flambae turned around and spotted Mecha Man.
“YOU!”
Blonde Blazer stared at the destroyed reception.
“Okay, maybe I should have told Robert not to come in costume before he came in for his first day,” she admitted, “and… his history with the members of the Z-Team.”
“No *BLEEP*,” Chase said.
Episode 3
“Wait, you want me to fire one of the Z-team?” Robert asked.
“Yes,” Blonde Blazer nodded.
“On my second day on the job?”
“Yes.”
“And… you don’t think they’ll become a villain again and want revenge?”
Blazer gave him a concerned look. “Do you think that could happen?”
“Oh yeah, that would totally happen,” Invisigal said as she revealed herself.
“Come on, Visi, we talked about this,” Blazer said with a disappointed look.
Episode 4
“You want me to choose a new hero to replace the Z-Teamer we fired yesterday?” Robert asked.
“Yes,” Blonde Blazer nodded.
“On my third day of the job?”
“Yes.”
“And my only options are your socially awkward, emotionally devastated ex, who you just broke up with, and an inexperienced bully magnet rookie?”
Blazer winced, “I know it’s not ideal.”
“Who is making these decisions?!” Robert exclaimed.
Visi appeared. “That’s what I want to know.”
Blazer groaned, “Why do I bother?”
Fast Forward.
Robert looked between the text from Blonde Blazer and the live-feed of Invisigal watching a movie.
“Choose Blonde Blazer!” a group of people shouted.
“What?!”
“Choose Invisigal!” another group shouted.
“Where did you people come from? How did you get here?
“Stay professional!” a much smaller group shouted, “Don’t get in a relationship with either of them!”
The first two groups booed them.
“Stay out of my love life, all of you!” Robert shouted.
Episode 5
“Who are you, really?” Punch Up asked.
“Will you guys promise not to kill me if it turns out I brought you in one time?” Robert asked.
“Agreed,” Punch Up says.
“Sure,” Malevola nods.
“Okay,” Golem said.
“Fine,” Prism concedes.
“Okay,” the Z-Teamer Robert didn’t fire said.
“You got it,” Invisigal winks.
Flambae was silent for a few moments. “I promise nothing.”
“Then I’m not saying,” Robert replied.
“So maybe you took me in.”
“If you had that attitude, you probably deserved it.”
The two of them glared.
“And you guys wonder why I won’t reveal who I am,” Robert said.
“Yeah, hard to argue with this,” Punch Up admitted.
Episode 6
Invisigal was heading toward the warehouse where the Astral Pulse was located.
“Here’s a bright idea,” said a scientist, Invisigal, recognised from the science division of SDN, “why don’t you call in the rest of the Z-Team instead of going in alone, taking the Astral Pulse fr yourself and forcing someone to risk their life to save you, hmmm?”
Invisigal stared, “That is weirdly specific, and how do you know what I was up to?”
“Don’t question it.”
He gave her a look until she finally gave in, “Fine.”
The Z-Team then attacked the warehouse, defeated the Red Ring and retrieved the Astral Pulse.
“Good thing they went in together or one of us could have died,” Chase said.
“Or at least be put in a coma for a while.” Robert nodded.
Episode 7
Robert had been captured by Shroud, who was monologuing about how he killed his father.
“He was lying on the floor, eyes full of fear, when I put the fourth through his face.”
“No, you didn’t,” Robert interrupts.
“Excuse me?” Shroud says.
“Chase was there when you killed him; he told me all about it, how you shot him once in a fit of anger after he humiliated you one too many times and then ran away like a little *BLEEP*.”
The Red Ring members looked at each other in confusion.
“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Oh no,” Deadpool said, “That’s exactly what happened; it’s shown in one of the comics from the deluxe edition.”
“Wait, have you been lying about how you killed my dad to seem cooler?”
“NO!” Shroud shouted childishly.
The Red Ring members exchanged looks and began leaving.
“Where are you going? Get back here!”
“No way, we don’t respect false valour.”
At that moment, Blonde Blazer arrived and easily captured Shroud.
Episode 8
“Yeah, she works for us too,” Shroud said, referring to Invisigal, “she gets two paychecks for the same job.”
“That… makes no sense,” Robert said.
“What?” Shroud said.
“She had the Astral Pulse; all she had to do was give it to you and bam, you’ve won.”
“She had a change of heart, or maybe she was playing both sides.”
“At what point has she lifted a finger to help you guys during her time at SDN?“
“She… provided information.”
“Anddddddd.”
“That’s pretty much it, actually.”
“You realise she has had plenty of opportunities to screw us over this whole night and didn’t. Seems like she’s more on our side than yours.”
Shroud grumbled.
“And another thing, how did you get Beef so fast? He was nowhere near the roof the last time we saw him.”
Beef panted obliviously.
“I don’t know; I just conveniently found him,” Shroud admitted.
But this is how it really should have ended…
Everyone was celebrating their victory.
“I’m hungry; let’s go get something to eat,” Punch Up suggested, to which the Z-Team responded with enthusiasm.
“I don’t think the Sardine will accept us again,” Robert said, “and Flambé and possibly me too have been banned from Crypto-Nite, so where can we go?”
“I know a place,” Mandy said.
At the Super Café.
The Z-Team, including Robert, Mandy and Starblazer, were sitting at a table with Superman and Batman.
“So this is the café,” Coupé said, “less crowded than I thought it would be.”
“What do you mean?” Superman asked.
“Well,” Sonar said, “when we went to the Villain Pub…”
Flashback.
The future Z-Team were lauging and having drinks with the Villain Pub patrons.
Back to the present.
“...there were all kinds of villains, supervillains, fantasy villains, Sci-fi villains, horror villains, action villains, video game villains… even Jaws.”
At the Villain Pub.
“Hi,” Jaws waved through his window.
Back at the Café.
“Meanwhile, there are only superheroes at this café.”
“What’s up with that?” Prism asked.
“That’s not true,” Batman said, “Mario comes here.”
“I am-a superhero!” Mario said from a nearby seat.
“No, you're not!” Superman and Batman told him.
“What about me?” Sonic zoomed in, “I had my whole superhero moment at the beginning of one of my movies. Blue Justice, trademark pending.”
“You have powers, so sure,” Superman said.
“What?!” Mario said in disbelief.
“And MCU MJ was in here one time,” Batman said.
“As I recall, you asked why she was here and pointed out she wasn’t a superhero,” Superman said.
“Umm,” Batman said.
“Typical rich guy,” Flambae said, “So elitist.”
“What? No!” Batman exclaimed.
“He is part of the 1%,” Golem noted.
“And he has weird tastes,” Invisigal added, “like most of the rich people I have spied on.”
“It’s not like that!”
“Oh, then what is it like?” Robert asked.
“Kal, say something,” Batman said.
“I don’t know, I'm kinda with them on this one.”
“You’re killing me, man!”