Archive of Our Own

The house was already warm when Lucy woke up. Not unbearably hot yet, but enough that the thin sheet tangled around her legs felt unnecessary. Sunlight poured through the gaps in the blinds, painting bright stripes across the bedroom wall, and somewhere in the living room she could hear Kojo's nails clicking against the hardwood floor.

Summer in Los Angeles was relentless. By ten in the morning the air outside would be shimmering above the pavement, and by noon every sensible person would be searching for shade.

Beside her, Tim let out a low groan and rolled onto his back. His hair was sticking up in several directions, his eyes barely open. Lucy smiled despite herself.

"Morning."

He squinted at her. "What time is it?"

"Late."

Tim reached blindly toward the nightstand for his phone, checked the screen, and immediately dropped his arm back onto the mattress.

"It's eight-thirty."

"Which is late for you."

"Fair."

For a few minutes neither of them moved. It was one of Lucy's favorite things about being with Tim. Sharing with him those quiet moments that felt comfortable instead of awkward. No pressure to fill the silence or a need to perform. 

The peaceful moment lasted exactly three seconds. A wet nose suddenly shoved between them. Lucy laughed as Kojo wedged himself against the side of the bed, tail thumping loudly against the dresser.

"Good morning to you too."

“Your dog is a problem.” Tim sighed dramatically.

"Our dog."

Tim opened one eye. "That's a strong accusation."

Kojo responded by planting a paw directly on Tim's chest. Lucy snorted.

"Looks pretty guilty to me." She teased.

Tim caught Kojo's paw before he could climb fully onto the bed. "You know," he said, scratching behind the dog's ears, "for someone who was supposed to be temporary, you've gotten pretty comfortable."

Kojo's tail wagged harder. Lucy watched them for a moment, her chest feeling strangely full. Today wasn't technically Kojo's birthday. Nobody knew when that was. But it was the anniversary of the day she'd adopted him. The day she'd brought home a nervous, oversized bully mix who had somehow become one of the most important things in her life.

Apparently Tim had remembered because after a few seconds he glanced at the dog and said, "It's his day, right?"

Lucy blinked. "You remembered?"

“Yeah.” Tim shrugged, though she could see the faint hint of pride he was trying to hide.

Her smile widened and she pressed a kiss to his nose. “That’s actually really sweet.” 

"Don't tell anyone."

"Too late."

Tim rolled his eyes. "I have a reputation."

"You absolutely do not."

"I do."

"You really don't."

His mouth twitched. Lucy was still smiling when he sat up and stretched.

"So," he said casually, "we should do something."

She frowned. "Like what?"

Tim looked toward Kojo and then back at her. “The beach.”

Lucy stared. "The beach?" She repeated. 

"Yeah."

Now she knew something was wrong. Tim hated the beach. Not just disliked but hated with a passion. He complained about the sand and the traffic. The fact that you had to pay for parking even when you lived 10 minutes from it. He moaned about the crowds and the sun. The last time she'd dragged him there he'd spent half the afternoon muttering about finding sand in his truck for the next six months.

"You hate the beach."

"I do."

"So why would we go?"

Tim scratched the back of his neck. "Because he likes it."

Kojo immediately barked as if he'd been included in the conversation.

"And," Tim continued, "you like it."

Lucy looked at him for a few seconds. Something warm settled in her chest. Tim wasn't suggesting this because he wanted to spend the day at the beach. He was suggesting it because Kojo and her did. That’s what mattered to him. 

The realization made her smile. And then the smile faltered when the next thing that flashed through her mind wasn’t the ocean. Sure, Kojo loved running through the waves and biting at the tiny fish living in the shallows. She longed for the rare days she got to dedicate fully to spending time with her boyfriend. 

But those weren’t the first things she thought of. It was the bathing suits sitting in her drawer. The all too revealing bikinis she hadn’t worn in over a year. The dark ink curled around her ribs that read ‘DOD12919’. Her stomach tighten. 

Even now, months later, she still wasn't used to looking at it. The city couldn't stop talking about Rosalind's trial. Every news station seemed to have a new segment. Every podcast had theories. Every article recycled the same photographs and the same horrifying details.

People knew about the tattoos. They knew how Rosalind had cruelly marked her victims and taught her acolytes to do the same. They might not have known what Lucy’s tattoo looked like, but her face had circled the internet enough after becoming one of few survivors of Rosalind. 

The thought of standing on a crowded beach where anyone could see it made her skin prickle. Suddenly the idea didn't sound nearly as fun as it had a moment ago. Tim was still talking about parking and dog-friendly beaches when Lucy looked away and wrapped her arms around herself. The knot in her stomach tightened.

Because she already knew exactly what he was going to suggest she wear. And she already knew she couldn't imagine letting anyone see what was underneath it.

***

By noon, Lucy felt like she was holding herself together with sheer force of will. The house smelled faintly of toasted bread and sunscreen. The television played quietly in the background, some summer movie neither of them were paying attention to, and every few minutes Kojo would wander from room to room with the restless excitement of a dog who somehow knew an adventure was coming.

Tim spent the entire morning preparing. That was somehow the worst part. If he'd thrown a towel in the truck and decided to grab food on the way, maybe this wouldn't feel so impossible. Instead he treated the whole thing like it mattered.

Lucy sat curled into the corner of the couch pretending to scroll through her phone while she watched him move around the kitchen. Every now and then he would open a cabinet, pull something out, cross to the refrigerator, then return to the counter. She watched him pack everything carefully. Paper plates, napkins, bottles of water, some cut up fruit. The basket gradually filled until it looked like something out of a magazine.

Tim wasn't naturally sentimental. When he cared about something, it usually showed up in actions instead of words. That made this harder. Because every small thing reminded her that he was doing this for her and Kojo. Nothing about this served him. The pit in her stomach grew deeper.

She looked back down at her phone before he could catch her staring. The screen blurred slightly. She hadn't actually read a single word in almost ten minutes. Her thoughts kept circling back to the same thing. The tattoo and the crowds that would see. Someone would certainly recognize it for its infamy in Rosalind’s trial. God knows the true crime podcasters had been all over her case for years. 

Her ribs felt itchy.  The scarred skin beneath her t-shirt suddenly seemed impossible to ignore. She could practically feel it through the fabric. A phantom awareness that never completely disappeared. Months later and she still wasn't used to it. Some mornings she could look in the mirror and almost pretend it wasn't there. Other days she saw it before she noticed anything else. The dark ink that served as a permanent reminder of the day she died. 

Her stomach rolled. She swallowed hard. In the kitchen, Tim opened a jar. The sharp scent of dill pickles drifted across the apartment. Lucy looked up to see Tim was standing over the cutting board, pulling out far more pickle slices than any normal person would ever put on a sandwich.

A small smile tugged at her mouth despite everything. Extra pickles. He'd remembered. She watched him layer them onto a sandwich before wrapping it carefully in parchment paper. Her sandwich.

The smile disappeared almost as quickly as it came. Her throat felt far too tight now. The anxiety had been building for the past few hours now as a pressure sitting beneath her skin causing pin pricks. Every minute that passed felt like another step closer to something she couldn't avoid.

The fear followed her everywhere, settling heavy on her chest and churning her stomach. It tugged at the back of her mind. The thought of standing on a crowded beach made her palms damp. She felt like vomiting when the idea of people seeing and staring at her tattoo raced through her mind. The thought of Tim seeing strangers stare at it, at her, made something twist even more painfully inside her.

The trial had become impossible to escape. News stations discussed it constantly. Podcasts dissected every detail. Photos of Rosalind appeared everywhere. People talked about the victims like they were discussing characters in a television show instead of real people.

Lucy had heard strangers discussing the case in coffee shops. In grocery store lines and at coffee shops. Sometimes they didn't even lower their voices to talk about it like the taboo subject it was. Every conversation left her feeling exposed. Like they could somehow look at her and know that she was nearly one of those dead girls too. 

The nausea surged suddenly. Lucy set her phone down slowly. She stood before Tim could notice her expression and crossed the house toward the bathroom. Her movements felt oddly detached like she was wading through water. Kojo pattered after her his claws clicking against the hard way but she slipped the door shut before he could follow her. He gave her a pitiful expression and her eyes watered.

For several seconds she just stood there gripping the edge of the sink. The cool porcelain pressed against her palms. She focused on breathing in for four and out for four just like her therapist taught her. In and out.  Her reflection stared back at her from the mirror. Her face had become pale and her eyes shadowed with exhaustion despite the fact that she'd slept fine.

She looked scared. The realization hit harder than she expected. Not nervous or worried but a deep set fear that clung to her. Her pupils were blown revealing the sclera and her eyebrows were raised and knit together. Her mouth pulled back horizontally tightly against her teeth. 

Her stomach churned again threatening to regurgitate her breakfast. She squeezed her eyes shut. This was ridiculous. It was a beach that she’d been to countless times before. Nothing bad was going to happen. She wouldn’t be hurt or kidnapped or locked in a-

Lucy froze, stopping the thought before it managed to cross her brain. Her chest tightened. She opened the faucet and splashed cold water onto her face. The shock helped a little.  When she finally looked up again, her reflection hadn't changed. She still looked terrified. She still felt that heart clenching terror that shook her to her core. 

Outside the bathroom she could hear Tim moving around the apartment. The basket closing and cabinets being opened and shut again. Kojo’s tail thumped rapidly banging against something. He even let out a couple of excited barks followed by Tim’s gentle shushing. All sounds of someone preparing for a good day.

Guilt settled heavily in her stomach because Tim was excited to make her happy. In reality all morning she'd been standing on the edge of panic, trying desperately not to fall in. She pressed both hands against the counter and lowered her head. For a moment she considered telling him and admitting she couldn’t do it, but the thought alone made her heart pound even faster. 

Instead she took another breath, straightened her shoulders, and forced a smile she didn’t feel. She prepared herself to walk back out there and pretend everything was fine. 

***

Lucy knew the moment was coming. She'd spent the entire morning pushing it further and further away, distracting herself with anything she could find, but eventually there was nothing left to organize, nothing left to pack, and nowhere left to hide.

Tim zipped the picnic basket shut and set it beside the front door. Kojo was practically vibrating with excitement. The afternoon sunlight streamed through the apartment windows, turning everything bright and golden.

"We should probably get going soon." The words hit Lucy like a punch.

She forced herself to look up from where she'd been sitting on the couch. Tim was checking his phone, completely unaware of the sudden rush of panic flooding her chest. His expression softened slightly when he looked at her.

"You should probably get changed."

Lucy swallowed. "Yeah."

The word came out thin. Tim didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he just interpreted her hesitation as normal reluctance to leave an air-conditioned apartment in the middle of summer. Either way, he turned back toward the kitchen.

Lucy stood. Somehow her legs carried her to the bedroom and she closed the door behind her. She stood there for a moment frozen like a deer in headlights. The room felt too small. 

For several seconds she stared at the dresser. Then she crossed to it and pulled open the bottom drawer. The sight of her swimsuits immediately made her stomach twist. She grabbed the first one. A pale blue bikini she'd worn dozens of times before. Back when she could throw something on without thinking about it.

Her fingers tightened around the fabric. Maybe it would cover it and she was just misremembering how it looked on her. Five minutes later the bikini was lying on the floor. Lucy stood in front of the mirror wearing the second one. The tattoo peeked out from beneath the fabric enough that anyone looking would notice something. 

She ripped it off. The second swimsuit joined the first. By the time she reached the third, clothing was scattered across the bedroom floor. Drawer contents hung over the edge of the bed. Swimsuit tops lay tangled together. Bright colors covered nearly every available surface.

Lucy stood in the middle of the mess breathing too fast. None of them worked. Every single one exposed part of it. Some more than others, but every single one left enough visible that somebody could see. The mirror seemed cruel. Every time she turned slightly, she caught sight of the permanent dark ink curling across her skin. Her chest tightened further.

"No." The word escaped before she realized she'd spoken.

She yanked another swimsuit from the pile. This one. This one had to work. It was darker than the others. Maybe the tattoo would blend in seamlessly. Except it was still visible snaking out from behind the fabric. 

The panic rose another notch. Lucy tore it off. The fabric landed somewhere near the closet. Her breathing was becoming shallow now. The room felt hot as she choked uneven breaths in and out. The sunlight creeping through the blinds felt impossibly blinding and bright. Every surface seemed cluttered with proof that she was running out of options.

By the time she reached the last swimsuit, her hands were shaking. She pulled it on anyway and stepped in front of the mirror. The edge of the tattoo remained visible beneath the strap. A dark curve against her skin.

Lucy stared at it and her stomach rolled harder. Bile rose stinging the back of her throat.  There had to be something else. Her eyes landed on the makeup drawer. Concealer. That would do the trick. 

She lunged toward it and yanked the drawer open causing it to rattle. Products shifted and rolled around. Lucy dug through them frantically tossing each item she didn’t need onto the top of the dresser. Foundation, mascara, a couple different shades of blush. Even some eyeshadow pallets she didn’t remember owning. Finally her fingers closed around the concealer.

Relief surged briefly. She uncapped it and squeezed some onto her fingers. She rubbed it harshly on the exposed ink. The tattoo showed through. Lucy added more, but the black kept poking through. The makeup streaked across her abdomen in a thick and uneven patch.

Her hands were shaking harder now. Her hand darted for the tube again and it slipped out of her grasp. It bounced off the counter and hit the floor bursting open. For a second Lucy simply stared. A pale smear spread across the hardwood. The tube rolled beneath the dresser. The sight broke something. A sharp sound escaped her throat with a wail. 

"God!" She shrieked in anguish. 

Before she could stop it, hot tears flooded her eyes. Lucy pressed both hands against her face. A sob escaped. The sound startled even her. For a few seconds she just stood there crying. Months of trying to move forward colliding with a stupid afternoon at the beach.

She hated it. The tattoo that despite being a reminder of what she survived also stood as a symbol for how much power Rosalind still had over her. Most of all, she hated that Tim had spent the entire day trying to do something nice for her and she couldn't even get dressed.

The tears came harder for a moment. Then she heard movement somewhere outside the bedroom. The sound snapped her back to reality. Lucy sucked in a breath and wiped vigorously at her face. 

The crying stopped almost as quickly as it had started. Her chest still hurt and her eyes burned but she forced the sobs down with a choking noise. By the time she looked back at the mirror, only a few damp streaks remained on her cheeks.

The bedroom was a disaster. Swimsuits covered the floor. Makeup stained the hardwood. The tattoo remained visible. And Lucy stood in the center of it all feeling more trapped than she had an hour ago.

The knock came less than ten seconds later making her jump.

"Lucy?" Tim's voice carried through the door.

She squeezed her eyes shut. Of course he'd heard. She glanced desperately around the room at the swimsuits everywhere and the makeup smeared across the floorboards. The concealer tube had vanished somewhere underneath the dresser. She was standing in the middle of the chaos wearing the last bikini she'd managed to find.

"Lucy?" He sounded more concerned this time. 

Her throat tightened. "I'm fine."

The lie sounded terrible. Even to her.

Silence followed and Tim audibly sighed through the door, “Are you crying?” 

"No." The answer came too quickly.

Lucy could practically picture the expression on Tim's face. The one where he knew she was lying but hadn't decided how hard he wanted to push. Before she could think of anything else to say, the bedroom door flew open.  Tim stepped inside. His eyes swept over the room and the open drawers. The disaster zone that had once been a perfectly clean bedroom.

His eyebrows rose. "Wow."

Panic shot through Lucy's chest. Without thinking, she grabbed the nearest towel from the end of the bed and wrapped it around her waist. The movement was so fast it almost made her dizzy.

Tim blinked. His gaze moved from the towel to her face. Then back to the towel. The confusion on his face was obvious. He looked baffled as his mouth formed a small ‘o’. 

"Okay." His voice was careful now. "What happened?"

Lucy crossed her arms tightly. "Nothing."

Tim looked around the room again at the pile of discarded swimsuits and the makeup coating the flower. 

"Right." He said quizzically. 

His expression said he believed exactly none of that. Lucy hated how easily he could read her. Even now she could feel tears threatening again. Her eyes burned. She looked away before he could see. Unfortunately that only made him more concerned.

"Hey." His voice softened. The way it always did when he thought something was genuinely wrong. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened." She spoke sharper than she intended. 

Tim didn’t react or argue. He just watched her with a deep concern lingering in his eyes. Why did he always have to be so goddamn patient? Lucy tightened her grip on the towel. The movement drew Tim's attention again. His forehead creased.

"You know," he said slowly, "we've been dating for months."

Lucy stared at the wall.

"We literally live together."

Her face grew warmer. "Lucy."

She wished the floor would open up and swallow her. Tim looked genuinely bewildered now. Because from his perspective, nothing about this made sense. He'd walked into a room full of swimsuits and tears to find his girlfriend acting like she'd been caught doing something embarrassing. Meanwhile all he could see was a towel wrapped around her waist.

His eyes narrowed slightly as he studied her expression. Tim took a careful step closer.

"Luce."

The nickname was quiet and gentle.

"What are you so scared of?"

The question landed directly in the center of everything she'd been trying not to say. Lucy felt fresh tears sting her eyes. And for the first time all day, she wasn't sure she could keep pretending everything was fine.

The lie came easier than Lucy expected. Maybe because she'd already spent the entire day building it.

“My stomach’s been bothering me all morning.” She confessed weakly. 

The concern on Tim's face deepened. He took a few steps closer. Before she could stop herself, she kept talking. The words started tumbling out faster now.

"I think I ate something bad."

Tim frowned. "What?"

Lucy shrugged. "I don't know."

The guilt hit her in her gut. She hated lying to him. It was overwhelming. Especially when he was looking at her like that—filled with so much solicitude.

"Maybe breakfast or last night."

Maybe absolutely nothing because she knew perfectly well what was making her sick. It wasn't food, but the fear of what the beach and bikini combo would bring; but admitting that felt impossible.

Tim stepped closer. Close enough to rest the back of his hand lightly against her forehead. The gesture was so sweet it made her chest ache. He was always checking on people and taking care of them. 

"You don't feel good?"

Lucy forced herself to nod. Tim studied her face for a moment and the tears she hadn't completely managed to hide. The slightly pale complexion she hadn't even needed to fake because anxiety had already taken care of that for her. Whatever conclusions he reached seemed to satisfy him. At least partially. His shoulders relaxed.

"Okay."

Lucy nearly wished he'd argued. It would've made this easier. Instead he simply shifted into problem-solving mode. The same way he always did.

"We'll stay home."

The words landed like a weight in her chest. "No, we don't have to-"

"We do." His tone left very little room for discussion. "You don't feel good."

"But Kojo-"

Tim glanced toward the hallway where the dog was waiting.

"We'll take him somewhere tomorrow."

The guilt twisted harder. Tomorrow wasn't his adoption anniversary. Today was. And Tim knew that. Which was why he'd spent the entire morning planning everything and carefully arranging the basket sitting by the door. 

Lucy felt awful. He'd put effort into this. He'd done something thoughtful simply because he loved her and knew how much she loved Kojo. She’d went and ruined all his plans over a lie and a fear she couldn’t bring herself to explain.  The guilt was becoming almost unbearable.

"Tim..."

He was already moving and grabbing her discarded t-shirt from the bed.

"Come on."

Lucy stared at him.

"You should sit down."

"I'm okay."

"You were crying." He insisted as he handed her the shirt. 

When she hesitated, he raised an eyebrow. Lucy took it. A few minutes later she found herself deposited on the couch beneath a blanket despite the fact that it was nearly eighty degrees outside. The air conditioning hummed softly.

Kojo climbed onto the cushion beside her and pressed himself against her leg. Tim disappeared into the kitchen. She heard cabinet doors opening and the sound of water running. When he returned, he handed her a glass of water and a sleeve of crackers. Lucy accepted both with growing shame.

"I don't need-"

"Humor me." His voice was gentle.

Lucy looked down at the crackers. The knot in her stomach tightened. Nothing was wrong except the fact that she'd let fear dictate her entire day. And now Tim was taking care of her because he believed her. The realization made her feel even worse.

After making sure she was settled, Tim headed back toward the bedroom. Lucy heard him stop in the doorway. A long pause followed. She knew exactly what he was seeing. The disarray of clothes and makeup she'd left behind in the midst of her breakdown. 

A sigh came from the room. It wasn’t angry but more akin to the sound he made at work when an officer messed something up. The sound of someone preparing to clean up a mess. Lucy closed her eyes. The guilt settled heavier in her chest. He should be annoyed. At least a little. He'd spent all morning planning and packing a picnic basket. Now he was cleaning up after her while she sat on the couch pretending to be sick.

She listened to him moving around the bedroom. The soft rustle of fabric as he picked swimsuits up off the floor. The dresser drawers sliding shut. The scrape of something being cleaned. Every sound felt like another reminder of what she'd done. 

Maybe she should tell him. The thought appeared suddenly. Maybe she should just get up and walk into the bedroom. She could tell him the truth that she wasn’t really sick. She was just terrified of how people would react to the tattoo. How he would feel about the stares she got for being marked with something so ugly and horrid.  The idea lasted approximately three seconds.

Then her stomach dropped. Because what if he did? The fear was irrational. She knew that. Logically, she knew that. Tim had seen her at her absolute lowest and he knew everything. Hell, he’d been the one to breath life back into her at her grave. And yet some stubborn, terrified part of her still whispered the same thing over and over.

What if he looks at it and sees her differently? The thoughts made her chest hurt. So she stayed exactly where she was. Curled beneath the blanket. Holding a bottle of water she didn't need. While Tim cleaned up the mess she'd made. And somewhere in the apartment, the picnic basket remained untouched beside the front door waiting for a beach trip that wasn't going to happen.

The house had gone mostly quiet about 30 minutes later. Lucy could still hear Tim moving around in the bedroom every now and then. A drawer closing. The faint sound of hangers shifting. The occasional creak of the floorboards. But compared to the excitement that had filled the apartment earlier, it felt strangely subdued.

The picnic basket was still sitting by the front door. Every time Lucy looked at it, guilt twisted in her chest. She eventually stopped looking. At least she tried to. Her eyes kept finding it anyway. The neatly packed basket. The lunch Tim had made. The day they'd been supposed to have that she ruined. 

Kojo jumped onto the couch beside her. Lucy barely noticed at first until a large nose nudged her elbow twice. When she looked down, she found herself staring into a pair of hopeful brown eyes. Kojo whined softly. His tail thumped against the cushions. He shoved his head beneath her hand demanding attention. 

Lucy laughed weakly despite herself, "Hi."

Kojo pushed closer and her hand hovered to scratch behind his ears. The bully mix melted against her touch. His eyes closed and his tail thumped the cushion. 

For several moments Lucy simply sat there petting him. Feeling the softness of his fur beneath her fingers. Listening to his contented sighs. Watching him enjoy every second of the attention. And suddenly the guilt became unbearable. Because this had been for him too. His day. His adoption anniversary.

The whole reason Tim had suggested the beach in the first place. Lucy swallowed hard. Kojo nudged her hand again when the scratching slowed. He clearly didn’t know what day it was or that the plans had been cancelled. As far as Kojo was concerned, he was currently winning because his favorite humans were both home and available to spoil him.

Tears stung her eyes.

"No, buddy." Her voice cracked. The first tear slipped down her cheek. "You were supposed to go to the beach."

Kojo's tail continued wagging. Lucy laughed shakily as more tears fell.  A sob escaped before she could stop it. Lucy covered her mouth, but it was too late when the sound of footsteps came from the hallway. A few seconds later Tim appeared. His expression shifted the moment he saw her.

"Hey."

Concern flooded his face. He crossed the room quickly. 

"What's wrong?"

Lucy shook her head. The movement only made more tears fall. Kojo climbed closer and shoved his head against her side. Tim sat beside her and his shoulder pressed against hers.

"Lucy."

She looked away, unable to meet his eyes. 

"I feel awful." She choked out in a broken up sentence. 

Tim's face softened instantly, "Oh, honey."

The nickname nearly broke her all over again. He rubbed a hand gently across her back. 

"It's okay." He reassured.

"No, it's not."

"You're sick." His voice was calm. "You're not feeling well. None of this is your fault."

Lucy squeezed her eyes shut. A fresh wave of guilt hit. He still believed her. Tim continued rubbing circles against her back.

"We can take Kojo another day."

Lucy shook her head. "It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

The question was gentle. Lucy stared down at her hands.

The silence stretched. Her heart hammered. This was it. The moment she'd been avoiding all day. Tim waited patient as always. 

Eventually he sighed softly. "Luce."

She swallowed. "I'm not sick."

The words barely made it out. Tim's hand stopped moving. Lucy forced herself to keep going before she lost her nerve.

"I mean- I feel sick." Her voice trembled. "But not because of food."

The silence that followed seemed enormous. When she finally looked up, Tim didn’t look quite angry. His head tilted and his eyes were big filled with worry. Lucy's chest tightened.

"I lied."

Tim remained quiet. The lack of judgment somehow made this harder.

"I didn't eat anything bad."

Another tear slid down her cheek. She wiped it away.

"I just..." The words caught in her throat before she could force them out. 

Tim reached over and took her hand. The simple gesture steadied her enough to continue.

"I couldn't find a swimsuit."

His forehead creased. Confusion flickered briefly across his face. Lucy laughed weakly through her tears.

"Not because I don't have one." She looked down again at their joined hands. His larger fingers wrapped around hers and rubbed soothing circles on her knuckles. 

"I couldn't find one that covered it."

Understanding didn't arrive all at once. She watched it happen slowly as the confusion faded in real time. Her stomach dropped hard like someone had dropped a stone down her throat. 

"The tattoo." Her voice was barely a whisper. "I kept trying different ones."

Her eyes burned and she felt herself curling inward.  "None of them covered it. And all I could think about was everyone seeing it."

“I know it’s stupid.” A shaky breath escaped. 

"Lucy-"

"I know." The words rushed out. "I know nobody probably cares and I know you've seen it before and I know it shouldn't matter but-"

Her voice broke. "And what if they stare?"

The question hung raw and honest in the air. "What if they know exactly what it is?"

More tears slipped free.

"What if they look at me and that's all they see?"

For a few seconds after Lucy finished speaking, neither of them said anything. Lucy couldn't bring herself to look at him. Now that the truth was out, she suddenly wanted to take it back. The fear hadn't disappeared just because she'd admitted it. If anything, she felt even more exposed.

Tim still held her hand. His thumb moved slowly across her knuckles in a grounding motion. When he finally spoke, his voice was so gentle it made her chest ache.

"First of all..."

Lucy glanced up. Tim nodded toward Kojo. The dog was still pressed against her side, completely content with the attention he'd accidentally received.

"That guy has absolutely no idea what day it is." A watery laugh escaped her. Tim pointed at the dog,  "He doesn't know what an adoption anniversary is."

Kojo's tail thumped against the couch.

"His entire thought process is basically food, naps, squirrels, and you."

Lucy let out another small laugh. Tim's mouth twitched.

"Mostly you." He grinned.

Kojo immediately shoved his nose into Lucy's arm as if proving the point.

Tim spread his hands. "See?"

Lucy reached down to scratch behind the dog's ears and he gave her hand a sloppy kiss reaping a little laugh out of her. Some of the tension eased from her shoulders as she wiped the slobber off on her shirt. 

Tim waited until she looked at him again and his expression softened.

"So." His thumb brushed over her hand once more. "You're worried because people will see the tattoo?"

Lucy hesitated and nodded. Admission still felt embarrassing and her cheeks flushed red with heat. 

"Yeah." She whispered.

Tim frowned slightly.

"Everyone knows about the trial." The words came out quietly and she swallowed. "They know about the tattoos and what they mean.” 

Tim listened without interrupting.

Lucy twisted her fingers together, "What if they stare or what if they know?"

Her throat tightened. Tim was quiet for a moment.

"Luce."

She forced herself to meet his eyes. The look on his face wasn't pity but one of heartbreak. He looked so hurt at the idea. 

"People stare at everything."

Lucy blinked. Tim shrugged.

"They stare at tattoos and scars.” He lifted one shoulder with a shrug, “They stare at people with blue hair, people with green hair, people who are too tall, people who are too short.”

A tiny smile appeared.

"They stare because they're nosy and we also live in LA."

Despite herself, Lucy snorted. Tim nodded.

"Exactly."

The smile faded into something softer. 

"But that tattoo?" His gaze held hers. "That's not something you should be ashamed of."

Lucy looked away and he gently squeezed her hand. 

"Hey." When she didn't respond, he waited. "You survived something horrible. You didn't choose what happened to you."

Lucy felt tears gathering again.

"You didn't deserve what happened to you."

The lump in her throat returned. Tim's eyes never left hers.

"But you're still here." His hand tightened around hers. "You're still standing."

A tear slipped down Lucy's cheek. She didn't wipe it away.

"That tattoo doesn't tell people you're weak." Tim shook his head. "It tells them you survived."

The words hit her harder than she expected. Because she'd never thought about it that way. Not once. All she'd ever seen was a reminder and evidence of something ugly she wanted to bury. Tim seemed to read every thought crossing her face.

"It doesn't change who you are." His voice softened further. "It doesn't make you less beautiful."

Lucy dropped her gaze. Tim reached over and gently tilted her chin back toward him.

"Lucy." The seriousness in his voice made her stomach flip. "You're beautiful."

She rolled her eyes on instinct, but he wasn’t having it. 

"No." His thumb brushed lightly across her cheek. "I'm serious."

The look in his eyes left no room for argument.

"I don't care about the tattoo."

A small smile appeared.

"I barely notice it."

Lucy stared at him. Tim shrugged.

"I notice you." That nearly started the tears all over again. His expression softened further. "And if some idiot actually did decide to say something?"

The warmth in his voice disappeared for a moment. Replaced by something distinctly Tim Bradford with a dangerous edge. His jaw tightened slightly.

"I'd handle it."

Lucy laughed through her tears.

Tim raised an eyebrow, "I'm serious."

"Oh, I know."

The corner of his mouth twitched.

"If somebody wants to make comments about my girlfriend, they're welcome to try."

Lucy shook her head. "You can't arrest people for being rude."

"Not with that attitude."

A startled laugh escaped her. Tim smiled. The expression softened his entire face.

"There she is."

Lucy's chest tightened. Not painfully this time, but something warm and safe. Tim squeezed her hand again. Then he leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss against her forehead. When he pulled back, his expression was completely earnest.

"Nothing about that tattoo changes how I see you."

Lucy swallowed hard. Tim brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Nothing." The certainty in his voice left no room for doubt.

For a while they stayed exactly where they were. Lucy curled against one side of the couch with Tim beside her. Kojo sprawled across both of them as though he had personally decided the conversation was over and everyone should focus on petting him instead.

The tears had stopped, but her eyes continued to ache. Lucy stared down at Kojo as her fingers moved absently through his fur.

"I still ruined today."

“Lucy.” Tim sighed. 

"I did."

"You didn't."

She looked up. Tim was already giving her a look that suggested she was being ridiculous,

"The beach isn't going anywhere." He stated.

"That's not the point."

Tim raised an eyebrow. "Then what is?"

Lucy glanced toward the front door toward the picnic basket still sitting exactly where they’d left it. Tim followed her gaze and understanding flickered briefly across his face. He shook his head.

”I packed sandwiches.” He said, “We can eat sandwiches literally any day.” 

A reluctant smile tugged at her mouth. "And Kojo?"

Tim looked down at the shepherd. Kojo was currently upside down with his tongue hanging out without a care in the world. He gestured toward the dog.

"That dog thinks he's having the best day of his life."

Lucy laughed and Tim’s expression softened.

"We can celebrate next weekend." He added. 

Lucy opened her mouth. The knot of guilt in her stomach loosened slightly. Tim leaned back into the couch. His arm settled comfortably along the back cushions behind her. For a moment he looked thoughtful as a familiar look crossed his face. 

"What?" She questioned.

Tim glanced at her. "What?"

“What are you thinking?” She repeated leaning over so she was practically draped across him.

A few seconds later he nodded to himself. "Okay."

Lucy narrowed her eyes. "Okay what?"

"We're going shopping."

She blinked. "What?"

Tim looked genuinely confused that she was confused. "As far as I can tell, the problem is the swimsuit. You don't have one you're comfortable wearing."

His shoulders lifted in a small shrug. "So we get  a new one."

Lucy stared at him and he looked back at her expectantly. When she didn’t respond, he frowned. 

“What?” He asked. 

"We might have to go to multiple stores." She pointed out, “It’s LA and the middle of July so I don’t know if they’ll have more modest options.”

Tim shrugged. "That’s okay."

"And I might hate every option." She added.

"Okay."

"And I'll probably complain."

A faint smile appeared. "I know."

Lucy rolled her eyes. Tim's smile widened.

"We'll survive."

Something warm settled in her chest. To Tim, this wasn't a burden. It was just a problem they would solve together. The realization made her eyes sting again. This time for a different reason.

"Oh, no." He said quickly.

Lucy laughed. "What?"

"No more crying." His arm slid around her shoulders and gently pulled her closer. "I've hit my emotional quota for the day."

She let herself lean into him. Resting her head against his shoulder. The steady beat of his heart felt reassuring beneath her cheek. Kojo took this as an invitation to climb even farther into both of their laps.

Tim groaned. "Perfect."

Lucy smiled. The first genuine smile she'd managed all day. Outside, the summer sun still blazed through the windows. The beach trip hadn't happened and the picnic sat untouched. The day hadn't gone the way either of them planned. Tim pressed a kiss into her hair and started discussing which stores might sell modest swimwear. 

***

The sporting goods store was nearly empty. A blessing, considering how nervous Lucy already was. The air conditioning blasted cool air from the ceiling vents, a welcome relief from the summer heat outside. Racks of swimsuits filled one corner of the store, arranged by color and style.

Lucy stood frozen for a moment.

“Okay.” Tim rubbed his hands together, “We have a mission.” 

Despite herself, she smiled. "A mission?"

"A very important mission." He pointed dramatically toward the swimwear section. "We are not leaving until we find at least one swimsuit you don't hate."

Lucy laughed softly. "That's optimistic."

Tim looked offended. "I solve problems for a living."

"You're a cop."

"Exactly." He gestured toward the racks. "Now let's go."

Over the next twenty minutes, Tim became surprisingly invested. Far more invested than Lucy expected. He examined tags and compared styles. Every time Lucy found something she liked, he'd hold it up and nod thoughtfully as though evaluating critical equipment.

A sales associate eventually wandered over to ask if they needed help. Tim launched into an explanation about the kind of coverage they were looking for that left Lucy hiding her face in embarrassment. The employee looked amused by how serious Tim was. Eventually they accumulated several possibilities. A couple of one-pieces, a swim dress, and some high-waisted options. 

When she finally headed toward the dressing rooms, Tim followed without thinking. The store was nearly deserted. The attendant at the fitting rooms barely glanced up before waving them through. Lucy disappeared into one stall. Tim waited outside for approximately thirty seconds. Then she opened the door a crack.

"Tim."

His head appeared.  "What?"

She hesitated and sighed, “I need a second opinion.”

"That's what I'm here for."

A few minutes later, Lucy stood in front of the mirror wearing one of the options. Tim leaned against the wall nearby. His expression was thoughtful as he evaluated the swim suit. 

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Well?"

Tim nodded. "I like it.” 

He hummed as his eyes washed over her. She wore a two piece with green and blue swirls all over it. The bottoms curved up with her thighs and carefully covered the tattoo. The top however was even more enticing. The strings criss crossed in the back before being tied together. The cups pushed her breasts to the center emphasizing them and showing the visible dip between them where he often explored with his mouth.

”Yeah, I really like it.” He breathed deeper, taking a few steps forward. 

His hands brushed over her covered thighs and his mouth hovered above her shoulder. He pressed a finger into the indent along her hip. Lucy did a sharp intake. His lips grazed her neck.

”You sure?” She gasped softly.

”You are so gorgeous Luce.” Tim murmured, “I love you and your body in its entirety. How strong and beautiful and intelligent you are.”

”Is that so?” She teased arching her back as she reacted to his electric touches trailing up and down her.

Tim grinned and kissed her harder. His teeth scraped the skin of her neck and she writhed.

”You are the most perfect woman I have ever laid eyes upon.” He moaned, “And I’m so in love with you-“

Lucy was trying to recover her composure from the kisses when a sharp knock sounded against the fitting room door. The sound made both of them jump. For a split second, neither moved. Then came another knock that echoed louder this time. 

"Ma'am?"

Lucy's eyes widened. Every ounce of color that had already been in her face seemed to double instantly. She looked toward the door in horror. Tim, meanwhile, looked like he'd just remembered where they were. The employee's voice came through the door again.

"Ma'am, is everything okay in there?"

Lucy wanted the floor to open up and swallow her. She pressed both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

Tim rubbed the back of his neck. For once, he looked genuinely awkward.

Much more pointedly the employee said, “And sir, you’re not supposed to be in the women’s fitting rooms.”

Lucy squeezed her eyes shut. Beside her, Tim let out a long sigh.

"Right." 

The employee didn't sound amused. "Sir." She repeated.

Lucy could hear the smile creeping into Tim's voice despite the situation.

"Leaving now."

"Tim."

His grin widened. Lucy knew it without even looking.

"Okay, okay."

He headed toward the door. Before opening it, he glanced back over his shoulder. Lucy was still standing there in front of the mirror, face burning. The sight only seemed to amuse him more.

"Don't." She pointed a warning finger at him.

Tim looked entirely unrepentant. "See you in thirty seconds."

"Tim."

His smile grew. Then he slipped out the door. The second it closed behind him, Lucy groaned and buried her face in her hands. Outside, she heard the employee say something she couldn't quite make out. Tim responded. The employee replied.

A few seconds later she heard footsteps retreating. Lucy remained frozen in place for another moment. Her cheeks felt hot enough to light the entire store.

Eventually she looked up at her reflection. The swimsuit still fit. The tattoo was covered. And despite the embarrassment threatening to consume her whole, she couldn't stop a small smile from appearing. Somewhere outside the fitting rooms was Tim, almost certainly getting lectured by a retail employee.

The beach ended up being worth it. When Lucy first stepped out of the truck, her stomach still fluttered nervously. The summer sun hung high overhead, bright enough to make her squint. Warm air carried the scent of saltwater and sunscreen. Waves rolled steadily toward the shore, rising and collapsing in endless white foam before retreating back into the ocean.

Kojo launched himself out of the back seat. His paws hit the sand and he paused. After that, all restraint disappeared. Lucy laughed as he took off running in a full-body sprint. His ears bounced and his tail whipped back and forth. He charged toward the water.

"There he goes." Tim shut the truck door.

Lucy smiled and Tim adjusted the picnic basket under one arm. A few yards away, Kojo barked at a wave and stomped his paws in the shallows.  The sand was warm beneath her feet as they walked closer to the water. Waves hissed against the shoreline. Children laughed somewhere nearby. Seagulls circled overhead. The beach felt alive.

Beside her, Tim casually reached for her hand. Lucy laced her fingers through his. He glanced down briefly and a small smile flashed across his face. 

By the time they reached the water, Kojo was already soaked. Lucy wasn't entirely sure how. He bounded through the surf with reckless enthusiasm. Every few seconds he would sprint back toward them before changing his mind and racing after another wave.

"He's having fun." She commented.

Tim followed Kojo with his eyes. "I think he's fighting the Pacific Ocean.” 

Another bark echoed across the beach.

Lucy laughed. "He's losing."

"Badly."

A larger wave rolled in. Kojo attacked it anyway and he tumbled over in it before scrambling to his paws and barking again. The sunlight reflected off the water in thousands of tiny flashes. The breeze tugged at her hair.

For the first time all day, maybe all week, she felt completely present. The moment didn't last because Kojo suddenly changed direction. Lucy barely had time to react as he came barreling towards them and slammed into her legs. 

"Kojo!" Lucy stumbled while wet sand shifted beneath her feet. 

Tim’s hand darted out to steady her, but it only made things worse when he lost his footing. Both of them fell splashing into the cold water. Lucy surfaced sputtering and he emerged beside her looking offended.

"You took me down with you."

"You grabbed me!"

"You grabbed me." Lucy pointed.

Kojo barked at them splashing more water on their already soaked clothes while they laughed. For a while they stayed in the water swimming and throwing balls for Kojo to chase. 

At one point Lucy drifted onto her back and stared up at the cloudless sky. The sun warmed her face. The water rocked gently beneath her. She could hear Tim nearby and Kojo running through the waves. 

A splash hit her shoulder. Lucy sat upright. Tim looked suspiciously innocent.

"You did that." She accused.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

He threw a handful of water at her and she gasped. He quickly backed away. A grin pulling at the corners of his mouth.

"Oh, you're dead." She huffed.

A few seconds later they were both laughing again as they splashed each other with water. Eventually they returned to shore exhausted and hot. Kojo collapsed dramatically on a towel after running himself nearly ragged. Lucy sat beside him and scratched behind his ears. He leaned against her leg in response. 

Tim settled beside them, opening the picnic basket. He handed her the sandwich with extra pickles he’d packed that morning. Lucy smiled the moment she saw it. 

"Still good with extra pickles?” He asked. 

Lucy gave him a cheeky grin and snuggled up beside him with a towel around her arms. “It’s perfect."

He looked ridiculously pleased with himself. They ate while watching the waves. Kojo received far more pieces of watermelon than he probably should have. As the afternoon stretched on, Lucy found herself leaning against Tim's shoulder. His arm settled comfortably around her. The ocean rolled endlessly before them. The sun sparkled across the water.

Kojo slept with his head across both of their feet. Lucy looked down at him. He had changed her life without ever realizing it and gotten her through some of her darkest days.  A smile spread across her face.

"Happy adoption anniversary, buddy."

Kojo opened one eye and thumped his tail. Tim laughed softly and Lucy nudged him. He pressed a kiss into her hair causing Lucy to close her eyes briefly. Her head rested on his chest and the waves rolled yards away. The comforting crashes against the shoreline washed over her. 

As she sat there surrounded by everything she loved most, Lucy realized she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this safe.