Chapter Text
Nakamura hadn't really known where he was going to go when he got up from his room in his haste to escape the reality that's crushing down on him that night. After telling himself over and over again that he knew this would happen, his body had grown tired of his denial and triggered movements upon limbs that felt too heavy to move, pushing him to run outside and grab his bike.
That night was filled with stars, twinkling above his head like it was a sight to be marveled at. But Nakamura could barely pay attention to anything, not even nature lending him a comforting sight of the beautiful night sky. Not when he was barely breathing, choking on his own sobs as he pushes one feet after the other, pushing the pedals of his bike to make him go forward without truly understanding where he wants to go in the first place. Even his body was failing him, telling him he should slow down or stop, and it wasn't something he could afford. When his chest is aching and his breathing choked, he'd rather focus on the burning sensations on his hands and legs as he gripped the handles of his bike tighter and cycled up towards a hill he doesn't even remember being there.
Once he managed to push past his limits, panting and crying at the same time, he had reached the top and knew he had to stop before he fell hard and drag his bike along with him.
Pushing it to the side, the bike fell down on the ground in a heap of dust, and yet Nakamura couldn't care less. His body is burning, his chest hurts so much and tears won't stop running down his cheeks like an endless stream. He barely manages to push his shaking legs towards the railing of the bridge, overlooking the serene, peaceful sight of the small town where he's lived in all his life. The sight was beautiful, simple colorful buildings lined up neatly between split paths, illuminated by lights and street lamps that makes the view so peaceful. He's never been here before, in any other circumstance, he'd be looking down the beautiful view with awe, but he doesn't even make a few steps before his shaky limbs betray him and he falls onto his hands and knees, the stupid manga he'd completely forgotten about falling open towards him, a drawing of Hirose's face on display, like he was looking at Nakamura and it has Nakamura curling into himself more as he lets out the stinging, harsh pain around his heart that's been stealing his ability to breath and he cries.
It feels a lot like mourning, ridiculous as it is, Nakamura feels like he's lost something so profound inside of him and it hurts so much he can't stop the sobs from escaping his lips. They weren't even in a relationship, yet here he was, curled up on the ground, shaking uncontrollably and crying into the smudged face of Hirose on the manga's open page like he could find solace there.
He knows it's a lost cause, but it doesn't hurt any less. What is he now, without Hirose, without that kind smile constantly shoved in his way, warming and brightening his days?
A mess. A pathetic, mess of a loser. Was it impossible for him to have a hand he could hold on to, after all? For him to have a chance at love, like everyone else around him?
God, it's so pathetic he couldn't stop his crying. He's selfish, Hirose's happiness is supposed to be his own too, but it wasn't, not in this way, and it's something that sinks deep inside of his heart.
He heaves, breathing out harshly, feeling dizzy and unable to stop himself from crying, destroying his throat as he curls up further into the manga, smudged with his tears and sadness.
He didn't know how to make himself stop, he hadn't cried in his entire life, and this felt like something he couldn't stop. It hurts so much, his heart hurts, his head hurts, it's really hard to breathe.
The ringing in his ears are what prevents him from noticing the footsteps approaching his shaking figure from behind. His bleary gaze burning as he cried into the manga before it was ripped away, on to a hand, outstretched towards him. A handkerchief on it. It took Nakamura a choked breath before he could look up and make his eyes open wide enough to register who it was.
Matsumura. Crouching besides his curled up frame.
A neatly folded handkerchief on his palm, offered towards Nakamura with an unreadable expression on his face. It's like he was contemplating his words, if the long pause between them was any indication, then he open his mouth, pushing the handkerchief towards Nakamura further,
"You're going to get a headache like that."
Nothing could've prepared Nakamura for the sight in front of him, his rival, who he doesn't know what to make of ever since their weird encounter in the mall, ever since they started talking almost like normal acquaintances the few sparse times they've crossed paths since that time.
At first it made his chest burn, whether in embarrassment or shame, he doesn't know and he couldn't bring himself to figure out, because the heaviness in his chest was too much and wouldn't be contained within his heaving body. Making him curl up into himself more, like he could both mourn Hirose and avoid Matsumura's unreadable gaze, sobbing into ruined paper.
Matsumura looked at Nakamura in silence, listening to sobs that made his dull heart throb. His offer wasn't taken, though he couldn't bring himself to care when Nakamura is unable to stop his cries, hunched over himself like he couldn't do anything else. His lips pressed together in a straight line, feeling his own grief reflected in Nakamura's cries and it hurts to hear. It's unpleasant and familiar, something he can't stand.
The two of them truly were so similar, as much as they had fought in the past. What did that leave them anyway? Only heart ache and sadness.
After their encounter at the mall, Matsumura couldn't help the fact that he saw Nakamura in a new light. A deep kindness was there, something Matsumura had admired on Hirose all this time. And it was clearly reflected in Nakamura, in his actions, his efforts. And seeing him now, curled up in such a vulnerable position, defeated in front of him over a person he loves so much, he couldn't help the pang of sadness from washing over him and making him reach out.
He had heard of Hirose's girlfriend too, pathetically, just as he made his way to their school, already 40 minutes away from where he lived. Matsumura had wanted to go back on the next train when he saw the two of them walking out the entrance gate. But it was like he couldn't bring himself to, like something was keeping him tethered here. Maybe it was defeat too, his own way of navigating through sadness and indirect rejection.
He had wondered around the town he's visited so much throughout his years, just for one person. Walking over pathways he's already familiar with, despite not living there. It was a beautiful suburban town. Small buildings and a lot of greenery. Not too many people too. He thinks it was nice, letting his feet him guide him anywhere.
Before he knew it, the sky had turned dark, and he was still circling the neighbourhood, wanting to catch the last train so he could take his mind off things as long as possible.
He wanted to go somewhere he hadn't before, but his limited knowledge only provided him information on the main neighbourhood. On the rows of houses lining up on each side of small roads. So he opted to just call it a night, he only knew about the roads and the small area where most people lived in, he wasn't going to find anything groundbreaking on his own.
That was until something moved past him, or rather, someone.
Bringing a gust of wind past him that was enough to make him do a double take. The figure that past him was very familiar. Rushing like there was somewhere he absolutely needed to be, it was none other than his rival, Nakamura. Right, Nakamura lived near this spesific part of town, didn't he? It shouldn't be surprising, it's not out of place, but something about seeing him in his own state makes Matsumura move behind Nakamura, following him like he couldn't stop himself from doing so.
When he saw him push his bike away in a heap, falling down onto his hands and knees and crying his heart out, Matsumura felt like shit just listening to it. So he lets his feet guide him, crouching down to offer Nakamura his handkerchief. To which Nakamura didn't accept in favor of curling into himself more, crying harder, and it makes Matsumura's chest tighten.
He slowly held out his hand, reaching out and slowly put it over one of Nakamura's shoulders. It was shaking hard, Nakamura only responding with a choked sound as he hid his face away from Matsumura.
"It's all gone to shit, hasn't it?"
When Nakamura doesn't grace him with an answer, Matsumura looked down at him and started to move his hand down, now resting on Nakamura's back. Slowly, making motions up and down his back.
Nakamura wanted to cry harder. He didn't know why Matsumura was doing this, why he was doing this, but all he knows is that he need to let all this painful ache out of his body or else he might not be breathe after this.
"I get it, i wish things hadn't turned out the way it did, but it already has. Nothing's going to change that."
Matsumura's words might've sounded discouraging, but truly, it was nothing but reflected grief.
"....i get it."
That was all it took for Nakamura to turn towards Matsumura, lifting his head up to stare at the taller boy. His nose was red and his eyes was swollen, tears running down his cheeks like a leaking faucet. His eyes a little dazed, and his breathing harsh, Matsumura could tell he was getting lightheaded.
His hands move before he could stop them, and suddenly he was pulling Nakamura into his chest. Gentle, careful, like he was handling something fragile. And maybe it was exactly what Nakamura was, as he sinks his face in Matsumura's shirt, sobbing and crying his heart out. Hiccuping and wailing into his school uniform like there was no end to his sadness.
Matsumura finds himself unable to mourn his school uniform, probably covered in Nakamura's tears and snot, but it wasn't something worth getting worked up about. Not when Nakamura is shaking and crying in his arms. The boy he's seen in a new light, seen in this raw condition, filled with heart ache and defeat.
He wraps his arms around Nakamura like he could ground him. Pushing his face into Nakamura's hair and finding it weirdly pleasant, weirdly comforting.
Nakamura's shaking arms come up his back, clinging onto his uniform and Matsumura holds his body closer in return.
After a while, Nakamura's sobs grow weaker, slowly subsiding into heavy panting, and he was slightly leaning against Matsumura.
Matsumura slowly pulled away, holding Nakamura by the arms to gauge in his condition and finds Nakamura breathing shallowly, eyes puffy and red. His entire face was red.
A frown made it's way past Matsumura's lips at the sight.
"Are you okay?"
It took Nakamura a second to register the question, and when he does, a pang goes through his head and he furrows his eyebrows to rid of the ache. He couldn't breathe properly from his clogged up nose and his head hurt from how long he'd been crying.
Matsumura sees this and grabs his handkerchief from his pocket, this time lifting it up to press it against Nakamura's nose. Nakamura wants to relief himself from the inability to breathe, so he presses his nose against the fabric and blew his nose hard. Matsumura pulled it back and folded it up, grabbing one of Nakamura's wrist to put the folded handkerchief there.
"Use it again if you need it."
It was all Matsumura had said before he let go of Nakamura slowly, moving to crouch in front of Nakamura, his back and arms towards Nakamura.
"W-what are you doing?" Nakamura asks with a hoarse voice, unable to decipher what it was that Matsumura wanted from him.
"Get on my back. I'll carry you back to your place."
"What? You don't...you don't need to do that. I...I have my bike. What a-are you even doing here?"
Matsumura only looked back at Nakamura with a peculiar expression, undettered. Unmoving from his position.
"Are you really going to make me leave you like this? You feel dizzy don't you? I'll carry you back. What'll happen if you ride that bike and fall? Just get on. I'll get on the last train after this. You can pick up your bike tomorrow morning. It's a weekend."
Nakamura doesn't know why he's even considering this insane suggestion. But Matsumura wouldn't budge, and he feels like his head is constantly throbbing, his body heavy from exhaustion.
Without a word, Nakamura breathes in shakily and moves up to get on Matsumura's back. Matsumura hooks his hands under Nakamura's knees, standing up slowly, letting Nakamura adjust and fumble with his hands, not knowing where to put them.
"Just...wrap them around my neck. I don't need you falling on me."
Matsumura didn't expect Nakamura to follow his words, maybe he'll hold onto his shoulders instead, so when he actually did, Matsumura felt a foreign squeeze on his chest. A pair of arms were wrapped around his neck, a warmth pressing against his shoulder, letting Matsumura know he was pressing his cheek against him.
The feeling felt a lot like trust. Or maybe Nakamura was too exhausted to properly push Matsumura, either way, it's a pleasant feeling. Somehow, it's like Nakamura was finding comfort in him. That alone, made the ache in Matsumura's own heart lessen. Being able to comfort someone, felt like an act of trust in a way. And Matsumura...feels good about it.
It feels like he had someone to hold.
"What were you even doing here..." Nakamura's scratchy voice broke the serene silence between them. Matsumura had walked down the hill, on the way to the pathways that'll lead them back to Nakamura's neighbourhood. His place was not slow, yet not too fast, not wanting to jostle Nakamura too much.
"Wanted to see Hirose, heard the news, and decided to stay here. To take my mind of things, by walking around and just seeing places, you know?
Nakamura felt a pang at that, Matsumura had faced the same thing as him, yet here he was, against all odds, somehow finding him in this pathetic state and forced to take care of his pitiful state.
"I'm sorry."
"....why are you saying sorry? There's nothing you need to be sorry for. We've known each other better at this point right? It also helped me, when i...held you."
Hearing Matsumura's words trail off softly at the end made Nakamura's chest burn with an unfamiliar warmth, some of it even making its way onto his cheeks.
"I told you, didn't i? I get it." the words sounded a lot like 'I'm here too, you're not alone.'
Though if Nakamura understands the underlying message, he doesn't allude to it as his only response was a slow, greatful, "Thank you..." Pressing his face closer against Matsumura's shoulders.
Matsumura doesn't need to respond to it, not in words at least, because a hint of a smile was already pulling up the corners of his lips.
Yeah, this feels nice.
When they finally arrived at Nakamura's front porch, Matsumura crouched down a little and let Nakamura off his back slowly.
Once facing the person who carried him all the way home after a harsh breakdown, Nakamura felt embarrassment attacking him in waves. Gods, what even happened just now? Did Nakamura seriously just cry himself into exhaustion, get found out by his ex-rival and piggyback carried back to his house all in the same night?
God, he was mortified.
And it must've shown greatly on his face, the red burning his cheeks and ears, how he was unable to look up at Matsumura.
Matsumura was worried at first, the silence stretching between them felt too loaded and he had thought Nakamura felt sick or worse, after all that crying he wouldn't be surprised. So his hand made a decision for him to reach out and tilt Nakamura's chin up, only to find a wide eyed, extremely red and flustered face, looking mortified all the same
Instantly Nakamura swatted his hand away with a glare and Matsumura felt his heart jump a little at the sight, his lips curling up into a grin as he laughed and held his stomach.
"What the heck? Quit it, jerk."
"Haha, oh my god, what's with your face? Since when were you this cute?"
Nakamura's face only reddens at that, and he grits his teeth as he pushes Matsumura away from his space with an annoyed huff.
Oh, how Matsumura loves this. This is a new sight, Nakamura's face was red and he couldn't look at Matsumura straight. Doesn't help that he was taller than the boy, now more apparent as he looks down and finds the top of Nakamura's head very round, cute.
Where he pressed his face into when he was holding onto Nakamura, when he felt comfort himself. Now he wants to do it again, wants to inhale the scent of his hair, his shampoo, whilst holding him close to his body.
It was so weird, and so new that it felt so thrilling. Wasn't this what it felt like when he first caught a glimpse of Hirose in his class?
He wanted to tease and annoy Nakamura some more, finding his heart thumping loudly whenever Nakamura's red face look up at him and away in embarrassment.
Cute. Very cute.
But his watch made a beep and he just realized how late it'd gotten.
Shit, he was going to miss the last train at this point.
"Ugh, it's getting late, it'll be best for me to get to the station now. Wouldn't want to miss the last train." Matsumura sighed, looking at Nakamura again before he lets out a small smile.
"Guess i'll have to go, Nakamura. Get a good night's rest, you big baby."
Matsumura says with a grin as he turned away, but suddenly he felt a tug on his sleeve, making him stop dead in his tracks.
"Shut up!" Nakamura hisses, looking up and finding this stupid look on Matsumura's face as he eyes down his hand, tugging on Matsumura's sleeve. Nakamura finds his face hot and he tries his best to stand his ground. His palm sweaty from where he grabbed onto Matsumura's sleeve.
Nakamura's got Matsumura's attention, finding the way he held him back very endearing. And Nakamura hates the look on Matsumura's face so he get straight to the point and says,
"It's late. You might not even make it to the last train, and you went through all the trouble of...carrying me here," Nakamura had to steel himself as he said this, feeling absolutely mortified and denying any other feelings from the series of events as he closed his eyes and continued, "just stay the night here...it's the least i could do."
Oh, wasn't this amazing? Matsumura feels a trickle of warmth in his chest at the words, Nakamura is trying his best to give back to Matsumura, and doing it in the cutest way too, how could he say no?
"Well, if you insist."
Nakamura hears the grin before he could see it and starts to turn the other way, his lips pressed together, pulling Matsumura by the sleeve as he jammed his keys in and opened the door. Glad that both his mother and sister was already asleep, judging from the lack of noises in the living room, where it was usually most lively. His father always got back home late, so he was never an object of concern in the first place.
That gave Nakamura all the chance he needed to pull Matsumura up into his room, leading him inside and closing the door behind him without too much fuss. He sighed heavily as he lets his back press against the door. He can't believe this, everything that's led up to this moment was insane, Matsumura finding him, holding him while he cried, comforting him...and even carrying him home. The weird, foreign feelings swirling around in his chest after what happened between them. This was so different from Hirose that Nakamura doesn't know where to begin with.
He'd never in a million years see this happening, and if he'd told himself this'll happen months ago, he'd laugh himself silly from how ridiculous the notion was.
Yet it did happen, and Matsumura was here, in his room. Looking around like he was studying it, moving towards Icchan with an interest that makes Nakamura nervous.
Icchan moved like he acknowledged Matsumura's presence, before turning his head towards Nakamura, reaching out a tentacle to press it up against the glass tank. Nakamura walked beside where Matsumura was standing, unable to hide the small smile from forming on his lips as he pressed a hand on the tank, right where Icchan's tentacle was.
"It's my first time seeing one in person. It's cute."
Matsumura's voice cut through Nakamura's thoughts, making an unusual feeling flip in his stomach.
Someone who didn't find him weird. And Matsumura looked like he was satisfied seeing Nakamura content, and somehow it was worse than the teasing, making a lump form in his throat as he says in a haste,
"Yeah, well, of course he is. He's my Icchan after all."
Matsumura's answering laugh makes Nakamura want to punch the guy.
"Icchan is such a cute name, just like it's owner."
Nakamura wanted to die, he felt his hackles raise and a little threatened from Matsumura's soft laughter, but not in a good way, not at all.
He opts to just ignore Matsumura's cheeky grin to go to his wardrobe, wanting to set out the futon he had.
Once he did, he looked up at Matsumura.
"Take the bed, i'll sleep here. It's getting super late."
Of course, Matsumura had instantly shook his head and crouched down to be level with Nakamura.
"No, you take the bed. It's your bed, Nakamura. Come on, i'm the one crashing here."
"But i'm the one who invited you over, the least i could give you is a comfortable bed."
Nakamura quipped back, he was dead set on this, grabbing the comforter and lifting it up so he could slip in, facing away from Matsumura as if a sign of his resolution. For a second he thought Matsumura wouldn't argue, not hearing a noise of complaint from the other student, but was quickly proven wrong when he felt Matsumura grab his arm pulling up his lighter frame and over to Nakamura's bed, eliciting a startled yelp from the shorter boy.
"There we go." Matsumura smiles at him with quiet satisfaction, Nakamura's left shaken, his gaze wide eyed and his lips parting in disbelief.
"What? I'll take the futon, Matsumura." as Nakamura shuffled away, wanting to go back down the futon he laid out, Matsumura's hand shot out and circled his wrist, pulling him in, not letting him go.
"Either you stay, or i'll follow you down. Your choice, Nakamura."
He had this sort of intense look in his eyes that told Nakamura that he wasn't bluffing. Nakamura withered under the stare, more so from his nerves rather than discomfort.
Again, Matsumura seems to know this as he faced Nakamura, both of them lying on their sides. Nakamura willed his gaze away, focusing more on Matsumura's white uniform. He could even see the dried stain where he cried on, pushing his gaze further away, anywhere other than Matsumura's face. He doesn't know how to handle himself right now, much less Matsumura, who's acting more and more outlandish. Matsumura's heavy gaze eventually forces Nakamura to look up, finding a deep, deep stare directed his way.
Sending shivers down Nakamura's spine. There's this intensity behind Matsumura's gaze that's somehow unsettling.
The stare Matsumura's sending him feels like it could go through him, past his exterior and into his insides, pushing Nakamura to nervously lick his lips, a motion that Matsumura followed with his eyes, and let out a soft voice.
"Matsumura."
Whatever got into Matsumura instantly softened the moment he heard Nakamura call out to his name in that quiet tone. Nakamura doesn't say his name a lot, and hearing him say it now, snaps Matsumura out of his trance and he realizes how weird he must've acted.
"Sorry. I just...this feels weird doesn't it? Not so long ago we weren't getting along well."
Nakamura heard him finish his words with a sheepish chuckle.
"You're just saying that now? After...everything?"
Nakamura couldn't help but say, despite how embarrassing it was. Then silence surrounded them once more, it felt raw, like the two of them were the only people that truly saw the other.
Is this what Nakamura needed? What Matsumura wanted?
These thoughts and feelings were too heavy, too much for what they've both gone through that day, so Nakamura chose to close his eyes and just let himself breathe, for once.
"Thank you. For doing what you did."
Hearing that squeezed Matsumura's heart, his lips curling up again into a small smile as he slowly scoots closer, to close the distance between them some more. Until he could study each of Nakamura's features from up close, liking the sight of his relaxed expression as he closed his eyes.
"Me too."
Eventually, Matsumura also fell asleep, their bodies pressed together under the blanket.
Nakamura awoke within the early hours of morning the next day. Faint rays of soft light peeking through his curtains, alongside sounds of chirping from outside. Almost instantly he was opening his eyes, heavy from sleep. He lifted a hand to rub at his eyes, wanting to shift in his bed when he felt it.
A warm, solid presence, all around him. Nakamura's blurry eyes widened as it slowly moves towards the bare chest in front of him.
Alarm bells started to ring in Nakamura's head, what in the fuck is going on, who is this, what are they doing on the same bed, on his bed?!
But Nakamura starts to notice that no, this wasn't his bed. It was much bigger, much softer than he remembered it being, even the sheets were different, he had never seen them in his entire life.
This room in general smells so different from his own, providing him more and more glaring signs that this was not his room, not by a long shot. Where was he, what was he doing, what is going on?
Nakamura is starting to get a headache, noticing more and more things as his sleepiness start to drift away, replaced with a hypervigilance he wants to get rid of. He wasn't sleeping on the soft texture of a pillow, but a warm, solid limb, whilst his head was resting on someone's biceps.
Their other hand curled around his waist under the covers, sending shivers down Nakamura's spine, this person was holding onto him tight. Even in their slumber.
It's just one mortifying thing after the other, because can someone tell him, why he feels a chill against his legs, like he wasn't...wearing anything from the waist down. All he feels is his top protecting him from the cool morning air. But he knows, under the covers, he wasn't wearing anything other than a pair of briefs. His thighs rubbing together directly and making Nakamura wince, they felt raw, and aching a little, launching Nakamura in full blown panic mode.
He looked up frantically and sees faint scratch marks over the person's shoulders, going over the muscles and Nakamura imagines continuing down their back. A horrifying thought, eliciting a plethora of curses in Nakamura's head as he tries to figure out where he was and who he was with, trying his hardest to calm himself down when he couldn't remember a single damn thing from last night.
What's worse is that this person wouldn't let him go, their grip around him tight and their bodies pressed so close together all Nakamura could feel was their body heat. It's so hot it was almost suffocating. They shifted in their sleep and the arm curled around him grew more firm, subconsciously pulling Nakamura close against their solid, firm build, jostling him and making Nakamura aware of the pain in his back.
Didn't take him long to put two and two together, his entire face burning and turning pale at the same time, horror etched onto his face as he looks up and finds none other than the peaceful sleeping face of his ex-rival, Matsumura Kousei.
Still deep in sleep.