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Lena was awoken by a jolt in her chest. She was sweating and heaving as she sat up in bed, her hair stuck to her forehead. She had sweated so much she thought she had peed herself.
After a few moments of regulating her breathing, she shook off the feeling of the nightmare she had. The same nightmare she had been having for months now.
The nightmare was always the same. It never changed.
The dream was like an alternate world to the one she lived in. Everything was the same, which always made it seem more realistic, but the difference was that everyone who loved her in her real life hated her in this one.
If Lena was completely honest, she had always had this fear.
The fear of people hating her for who she was.
It came with having such a bold personality.
She knew she was a confident person—loud and intimidating. She said what was on her mind, even when she probably shouldn’t have. She drove her dad insane because she always found a way to do exactly what she felt in her heart, even if it led her into situations that weren’t the safest.
But that was what people always said they loved about her. As much as she and Shane clashed, he always told her that he wouldn’t change a thing about her.
Her confidence bloomed from a deep need to be liked. She had built herself up to be so confident that even when people didn’t like her, she was able to swallow the hurt and push through it.
The worst part about her dreams was Shane.
The things he said to her in them made her sick.
He said things like how he wished she wasn’t his daughter, how she was the cause of all his stress and suffering, how he wished they had never had her. He was so brutal and cruel—nothing like her sweet, loving dad.
Although she knew she had Shane wrapped around her finger, she feared that one day, if she didn’t change the way she acted, she would turn him into that unloving man from her dreams.
When Lena was little, Shane would tell her a story about how he was the Star Keeper and she was his star, and that he would do anything to make sure she kept shining.
He first told her that story after a parent-teacher conference where the teacher worried that Lena’s personality was too explosive and overwhelming for the other children.
Lena had cried so hard that day. And so had Shane.
“Nobody gets to dim my stars light, okay baby never ever. Without you I have no light. I need my star.”
Lena blinked away the sudden reflex of tears at the memory. She hauled herself out of her sweat stained bed into the bathroom. When she entered the bathroom and looked at her reflection she looked terrible.
Her hair was wet, her cheeks were flushed pink, she had dark circles blooming under her eyes. She looked wreaked.
“Dude you look like shit.” A voice said from the doorway it was Nikolai.
“Shut the fuck up,” she scoffed.
Nikolai’s eyes softened. This wasn’t like his sister. He had noticed her getting up at odd hours of the morning, looking like she had run a mile.
“Lena, what’s wrong?” he whispered.
“It’s nothing, Nikolai. Just let me fucking shower!” she spat, pushing him away from the door before slamming it shut in his face.
Nikolai stood there dumbfounded, but he figured she needed her space, so he let it go for now.
Once the door shut, Lena let herself sink to the floor, and a silent sob escaped her chest.
She couldn’t let them know that her self-confidence was crumbling more with each passing day. How she feared being unloved and alone.
She took a shower, trying to scrub away the insecurities that had bloomed in her chest.
•••••••
She got herself ready for school. On a normal day, she would have put a little more effort into her appearance, but today she just wanted to make it through.
She opted for two French braids, no makeup, jeans, and a sweater.
She made her way to the kitchen, where Shane was standing, drinking his coffee while scrolling through his phone. When he caught sight of her, his eyes lit up.
“Good morning, baby! You’re up early,” he said warmly.
She gave him a weak smile as she sat down on a barstool.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep well,” she said flatly.
Shane’s eyes immediately softened, and Lena felt like she could cry again.
He was truly the sweetest dad to ever live.
I can’t make him hate me. Ever, she thought.
“I’m sorry, honey. Is something wrong?” he asked, his eyes full of concern.
“No. I think I might just be worked up. You know, with my solo tonight.” She pulled at her fingers anxiously.
Shane made a pained noise of understanding as he approached his daughter.
“Hmm, I get that, baby. But you’ll do so good! You always do. You always make me proud, you know that?”
He lifted her chin so he could study her face. He noticed how tired she looked and let his fingers trace her freckles, hoping she could feel how much he loved her.
Lena found herself leaning into the touch. She let her eyes flutter shut, hoping she could have this forever.
“Thank you, Daddy,” she whispered.
Shane swallowed hard.
His kids never used Daddy anymore. Only when they were hurt or upset.
Was she hurt? Was something else wrong besides a few nerves?
The question died in his throat when Lena’s phone buzzed.
“Oh, Jaiden’s here to take me to school! Love you, Dad. I’ll see you later.”
She got up and gave Shane a kiss on the cheek.
He smiled at her.
“Love you too, baby. Have a good day, okay?”
He watched her leave the house.
Anxiety filled his chest, but he tried to swallow it down.
•••••••
The whole school day, Lena felt like an exposed nerve. Like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Her conversations with her best friends were short. She just wanted to get through the day.
She was excited for her solo tonight. Although she had told Shane she was nervous, it wasn’t really about that.
It was easier to come up with that excuse than admit to him that she was scared to death he would grow to hate her one day.
She needed something to take this feeling away. Then it hit her with blunt force. She knew exactly what could help soothe the rapid beating of her heart.
Weed.
She thought it was the smartest idea she’d had all day. She pulled out her phone to text Marco.
She and Marco had stayed practically best friends since they met. He basically lived at their house most weekends. The whole family had grown to love him—yes, even her brother.
Marco was misunderstood. He was an asshole for a reason. He was going through family stuff that no child should have to go through. So Shane and Ilya made sure their home was a safe space for him.
Lena loved having him around. He was one of the closest people to her.
Lena: hey!
Marco: hey what’s up!
Lena: can I get some 🍃🍃 after school?
Marco: Sure! Are you good tho? Don’t you have your performance tonight?
Lena rolled her eyes.
Marco was a little protective of her, which usually made Lena’s heart feel full, but today she just wanted to get this feeling off her chest.
Lena: of course I’m good! Can you stop interrogating me and get me my weed. Pleaseeeeee 🙏
Marco: alright! I’m here for you tho. I can also drop you off at your house after school too if you need a ride.
Lena: you are the best. See you later, MWAH!
Lena smiled for the first time that day because she knew this would work.
It always did.
Drinking or smoking always made everything easier for her when she felt like this. It helped boost her confidence, made things feel flowy and easy.
The end of the school day came so slowly that when the last bell rang, Lena practically bolted out of the classroom.
She went to meet Marco by his locker. When he spotted her, a toothy grin spread across his face.
“Hi,” he said smugly.
“Hey. Do you have my stuff?”
Lena smiled back.
Marco let out an annoyed groan.
“Wow, is that all you want me for? Not even a how are you doing, Marco? Thank you so much for always meeting all my demands, Marco. You are so handsome and kind, Marco.” He said it in a voice that could only be described as a very horrible impression of Lena.
Lena smacked him in the back of the head, pleased when a wounded noise escaped Marco’s lips as he rubbed the back of his head.
“Shut up! And I don’t sound like that. I’m not a whiny bitch,” she spat.
Marco laughed always pleased with himself when he could rile Lena up like this.
The pair walked to Marco’s car. Once they got in, Marco took a good look at Lena.
She looked beautiful to him, as she always did, but she seemed different today. Maybe tired. Her skin seemed paler, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup, which wasn’t like her. She was quiet, not saying anything during the drive.
When he parked the car, he decided to break the silence.
He stared at Lena, studying every inch of her microexpressions.
“Um, are you alright? I don’t know, you seem kinda down maybe? You don’t seem like yourself today,” he asked gently, not wanting to send her over the edge.
Lena’s eyes snapped to Marco’s. She shifted anxiously in her seat.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I am just maybe nervous for tonight. Need something to take the edge off.”
She clenched her jaw bitterly.
Marco’s brows furrowed in confusion.
“You never get nervous, though?”
That’s when Lena snapped.
“Well, I am fucking nervous today, Marco! Can you give me my fucking weed and stop trying to interrogate me?” She immediately felt guilt climb up her throat.
She wanted to vomit, anxiety spreading across her chest. Her breathing picked up, coming out in shallow, fast breaths.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly.
Marco’s eyes immediately softened.
“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry for pushing it. But you know you can talk to me about anything, right? And you are going to do great today. You always do. I’ll be there rooting for you, okay?” He spoke gently, his voice laced with concern.
Lena smiled at that.
“Okay.” Her voice came out barely above a whisper.
He didn’t ask any further questions. He reached into his glove compartment and pulled out two pre-rolls and handed them to her.
She hugged him goodbye and slipped out of the car.
She was immediately hit with the smell of pasta as she walked through the front door. She ran into the kitchen to find Ilya whistling as he moved around the kitchen with ease.
“Hi, Papa!” she said brightly.
He smiled at her, wiping his hands on a kitchen towel. He made his way around the kitchen island to scoop her into a big hug.
“Hello, malysh! I’m making your favorite today—vodka pasta. Special dinner for your performance tonight,” he said into the embrace.
Lena felt her heart swell. She gripped onto him tighter. She hoped that he would always love her like this.
“Thank you, Papa,” she whispered into his chest.
That earned her a kiss on the top of her head.
“Where’s Dad and Niko?” she added.
“They are on their very boring run. They will be back when the food is done, so we will all eat and then head to your performance, da?”
Lena nodded against his chest. She knew this was the perfect time to smoke.
“I’m going to go get changed, and I’ll come back down, okay?” she said.
He gave her one more kiss and let her go.
Once Lena got into her bedroom, she cracked the window open and smoked both of the pre-rolls in hopes she could smoke away the anxiety that still lingered in her chest.
•••••
Lena was fucking high.
But she felt good. Better than she had felt all day.
She changed into her performance dress, a long, silky white dress. She straightened her hair and did some light makeup.
She made her way downstairs, pleased when she saw everyone was already at the table. She stumbled in, plopped herself into her chair, and began putting pasta onto her plate.
Once she shoved a generous amount of pasta into her mouth, she felt like the room was strangely quiet.
Her eyes slowly lifted from her plate mid-swallow, only to be met with three faces staring at her.
Ilya’s eyebrows were scrunched together, a worried look on his face. Shane’s lips were pressed into a straight line, irritation written all over his features. Nikolai’s eyebrows had shot up, and he was clearly holding back a smile.
Lena shifted in her chair.
“What?” she asked, puzzled.
Shane put his fork down and ran a hand down his face before breaking the silence.
“Are you fucking high right now, Lena?” he huffed out.
Lena’s anxiety relief was short-lived as she felt bile climbing up her throat.
He is mad at me.
She had fucked up again.
Her brows furrowed as she scanned Shane’s face panically.
“No! Why do you always think I’m doing something bad?”
Her voice cracked at the end.
Shane let out something that almost sounded like a laugh.
“Are you serious right now? Do you think I’m stupid? I know you’re high. Your eyes are fucking bloodshot right now. Are you doing other drugs? I went into your room and your sheets were covered in sweat. What have you been taking?”
Lena felt tears of frustration prickling at her waterline. She slammed her hands on the table and pushed herself to her feet.
“I’m not taking anything! And stop fucking snooping around in my room. You talk like you fucking know everything about me, but you fucking don’t. You don’t even fucking like me. All you do is find something I’m doing wrong and try to fix it. I’m sorry I can’t be your perfect, good daughter,” she spat.
Shane leaned back like he wanted to get away from her venomous words, blinking back tears that had started to bloom in his eyes. He scanned her face like he didn’t know who he was talking to.
Lena felt sick at the sight.
Ilya put a hand on Shane’s back and got up to look at Lena.
“Lenochka, sweetheart, nobody is saying that about you. We are just worried. This isn’t like you, doing this before your performance. You don’t have to lie. If something is wrong, you can tell us, yes?” Ilya asked softly.
Lena started aggressively shaking her head.
“No, Papa, no! He always does this. Always finds something I am doing wrong. It’s not fucking fair,” she wailed out, ignoring the tears that spilled out despite her best efforts.
Shane immediately interjected hand flailing around nervously as he spoke.
“You do not get to do that! I’m worried about you, Lena. You do not get to make me feel bad for being worried about my daughter. There’s something wrong here. This isn’t like you. Can you please just tell us?”
His voice began to crack.
Lena looked him in the eyes, then looked away.
She could tell he was chasing her gaze, wanting her to keep looking at him, but she thought she would die if she had to stare at what she perceived as disappointment on his face.
“I’m fine, Dad. I’m going to be late for my performance, so I’m leaving. Marco can pick me up. If you guys don’t want to go, you don’t have to. It doesn’t matter anyway!”
She stormed off toward the front door.
Shane and Ilya both moved in front of it, shaking their heads.
“No, dochka, please stay and talk,” Ilya begged her.
Lena wanted to scream. To push them away. To cry.
“Papa, we can talk after, please. I can’t do this right now. I can’t.”
The words died in her throat as she stared between the two of them.
Shane and Ilya exchanged a silent conversation.
Shane nodded.
“Okay,” he said, pained.
They moved away from the door and watched as Lena walked through it and slammed it shut behind her.
The house fell quiet.
Shane felt like she had taken a piece of his heart with her when she left.
Did she really think he didn’t like her?
He shook off the feeling and told everyone to get in the car because, no matter how angry he was, he wasn’t going to miss this for the world.
And truthfully, he felt that even though she was pushing him away, she needed him now more than ever.
••••••••
The car ride to the school was quiet.
Nikolai confessed that he had seen her that morning when she woke up. How she had been drenched in sweat and irritable with him. Shane and Ilya pocketed that information for later.
Something was wrong with their daughter, and they hoped they could get answers out of her soon.
The family took their seats in the auditorium. They found Marco and greeted him. He had been saving seats for them.
Shane leaned toward Marco.
“Hey, did she seem okay to you when you brought her here? We got in an argument. I’m worried,” he asked.
Marco offered him a weak smile.
“She didn’t say much on the drive here. I could tell something was wrong with her all day. Uh, when I dropped her off after school, I tried to ask, but she snapped at me, so I kind of just let it go,” he replied.
Shane nodded, his gaze shifting to Ilya as he swallowed thickly.
Ilya grabbed Shane’s hand and squeezed it.
“She will come to us when she’s ready, sweetheart. We will be here when she is.”
He brought Shane’s hand to his lips and placed kisses against his knuckles. Shane closed his eyes and let the soft touch soothe him.
He stared at the program in his lap and flipped through it, searching for his daughter’s name.
When he found it, his breath hitched.
Next to her name was the song she was going to sing:
Anything by Adrianne Lenker.
The song was older, but Lena loved it. When she first discovered it in sixth grade, she had come to him and said that the lyrics reminded her of him.
Shane never really listened to music, but he listened to that song.
He loved it because, although it seemed like a love song, Lena viewed it differently. She saw it as the love she shared with her dad.
Even though they clashed and fought a lot, she still wanted to be close to him.
He felt his bottom lip quiver.
Guilt bloomed in his chest as he thought about everything that had been said.
He let his fingers hover over her name on the program.
He was going to fix this tonight.
He promised himself that.
•••••••
The family had watched everyone else perform, going through the motions of clapping when necessary while anxiously waiting for Lena to come out.
Lena was one of the last soloists in the choir to perform.
Lena had never been interested in sports, and Ilya and Shane were never the type of parents to push her into something she didn’t want to do. When she came to them in sixth grade, nearly vibrating out of her skin with excitement because she wanted to join chorus, they had been more than happy to let her.
Ilya cried the first time she had a solo because Lena was good.
She was very talented.
They always wondered where she got that talent from, but it was uniquely her own, and they loved watching her perform.
Distantly, Shane wondered if her surrogate mother had been a singer. It would make sense.
Sometimes he wondered if the little quirks in Lena’s personality came from her. He felt like he should thank her for giving him a daughter he so deeply loved.
Shane’s head lifted when he saw his daughter walking across the stage.
She sat on a chair in front of the choir, her dark, silky black hair falling over the white dress that contrasted beautifully against her freckled cheeks.
She looked gorgeous, Shane thought.
But he also saw that something was deeply wrong.
He glanced at Ilya, who had his lips trapped between his teeth. His leg was bouncing.
He knew something was wrong too.
Lena was shaking like a leaf on stage.
She looked flushed.
She looked tired.
Her eyes darted all around the room like she was frantically searching for something, though she didn’t know what it was.
Shane wanted to cry.
He wanted to run onto the stage and pull her into his arms.
The lights dimmed.
And she started to sing.
She sang the song beautifully. Her voice never wavered, although she cried throughout the entire thing.
Shane felt like he was dying watching her, and Ilya wasn’t in much better shape himself.
Shane saw a single tear fall from Ilya’s eye.
He tried to get Lena to meet his gaze while she sang, but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t look at them.
Once she finished, they watched her dart off the stage while the audience applauded.
Nikolai turned to Ilya and Shane.
“What the fuck was that?”
His voice wobbled.
Shane and Ilya looked at him, then at each other.
“I don’t—I don’t know,” Shane said.
••••••
Lena was heaving as she ran off the stage.
She couldn’t breathe.
She was sweating through her dress.
She looked backstage for the exit, and once she found it, she nearly tripped as she rushed out the door.
The cool air hit her face, and she clawed at her neck in hopes that it would finally let her get a deep breath in.
She started to sob, gripping her chest as it rose and fell.
She was briefly brought back to earth when the exit door swung open.
Shane’s voice was the first thing she heard.
“Lena, baby, you gotta breathe. Look at me.”
He grabbed the sides of her face so she could look at him.
He saw the angry red marks on her neck. Her face was a deep red.
He started stroking her cheek, trying to calm her down.
“Baby, you are having a panic attack. Try and stay with me, okay? You are going to be okay,” Shane said, holding her head gently to keep her gaze locked on his.
Lena shook her head, hot tears streaming down her face.
“No, Dad. I’m dying. I’m going to die. I’m going to die and everyone’s going to hate me. I’m going to die before I can fix it,” she babbled.
Ilya stepped in and tied her hair out of her face so she could get more air.
“Sweetheart, you are not dying. You feel that way, but you aren’t. There’s nothing to fix, okay? Please, Lena, let us help you, yes?”
Ilya’s voice cracked.
“Papa is right, baby. Let us help you. I’m sorry if I was too hard on you. I love you. I’m going to do something, okay? Will you let me?”
Shane’s words sounded more like a plea than a question.
Lena’s wide eyes snapped to his, and she nodded.
Shane gently took her clenched hand and brought it to his chest.
“You are going to try and match my breathing, okay?”
He inhaled deeply through his nose, held it for a couple of seconds, and then exhaled through his mouth.
He did it again.
Lena tried to join him, but she quickly became panicked.
“I can’t, Dad! I can’t breathe, Daddy. I can’t!” she shouted.
“Baby, you can. You are breathing right now, you just can’t register it yet. Try again, okay?”
Shane’s grip on her hand tightened.
Lena closed her eyes and focused on the rise and fall of Shane’s chest.
Eventually, with every attempt, more air seemed to fill her lungs, and she was able to breathe normally again. Shane did it with her until he saw her chest rising at a steady pace.
Lena opened her eyes and was met with the smiles of her loving parents.
Shane kissed her hand for good measure before placing it gently back in her lap.
Ilya smoothed her hair back from her face.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he said, his eyes wet.
Lena’s bottom lip wobbled.
“How long has this been going on? The anxiety?” Shane asked gently.
“Um, a couple months now. Or maybe since last year. I keep having this recurring nightmare that—it’s stupid, really—but that everyone is going to end up hating me. That I’ll never do anything right. It makes me insecure, so I do shit like I did today. I smoke weed or I drink to make it feel better. I get worried that you guys will hate me,” she said breathlessly.
Her gaze bolted to Shane.
“Especially you, Dad. I’m terrified of you hating me. I am terrified that one day you’ll wake up and regret me. I push your buttons all the time, and I know that. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I do this.”
Her voice broke.
Shane’s eyes burned. He grabbed her chin and gently made her look at him again.
He couldn’t have this.
He couldn’t let her think this anymore.
“Lena—Lena, baby, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my best friend. I know I worry, and I know I can be overbearing, but it’s because I love you. I love you so much that I sometimes think it will kill me.
I love you exactly the way you are. I would come get you drunk and high a million times over if it meant you would still be my daughter. My chest isn’t big enough to fit all the love I have for you.
I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this, baby. I’m so sorry if I made you think otherwise.”
The words came tumbling out of him as tears escaped his eyes.
Lena let out a sob of relief.
“Really?”
Shane immediately pulled her against his chest.
“Oh, of course really, Lena. I love you. You are my star, remember? I’m sorry I’ve been making you feel like you had to dim your light. Forgive Daddy, please.”
He gave up on maintaining his composure and let a sob tear from his own chest.
Lena clung to him tightly.
“I forgive you, Dad. I love you. So much.”
Shane smothered her face with kisses before pulling her back just enough to see her better.
He smoothed her hair and wiped away her tears along with his own.
They exchanged a breathy laugh.
Lena looked over at Ilya and immediately launched herself into his arms.
He caught her with ease.
“My little one. I love you always. We do need to get you help. It is not good to rely on drinking and smoking to soothe something that is hurting deep inside. You are too young for that. We see doctor, yes?” he said into her hair.
“Okay, Papa. I love you,” she whispered into his neck.
“I love you more,” he replied.
“Okay! Now let’s go home. I’m calling an emergency cuddle-in-our-bed day. And movies. And snacks,” Shane suggested.
That earned him smiles from both of them.
They walked into the cool evening air. “Oh and Lenochka?”
Ilya says with raised eye brows.
“Hm?” She quirked.
“You are still grounded starting tomorrow.”
She feigned an exaggerated eye roll, but the gentle smile never leaves her face.