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"Come on, just give me some of the stupid sauce!"
"For the last time—it's a no, Jax!" Zooble exclaims.
Jax drags a hand down his face, trying to mask the exhaustion he felt. It was a day after that award ceremony and he could use literally any kind of a distraction to get away from his mind right now. Away from everything. And when he had finally come back from the bathroom he had found Zooble completely out of it with a familiar pink substance in their eyes. He should have been grateful that Zooble was out of it. They were so high that they probably wouldn't have had anything stupid to say about him. That's how high he wanted to be. So high that he would be relieved for a few minutes. Maybe an hour or so. But Zooble was refusing when they absolutely had some left over. He just knew it.
"Why not, Zoobie?" Jax laughs it off. "You want to share it with Gangle instead?"
"I borrowed it from Ragatha," Zooble answers, then walks off.
Jax glances around the room, noting how Ragatha hovered around the edge of Kinger's pillow fort. He scoffs at the sight of it, thinking of how easy it would be to steal the stupid sauce from her bedroom when she was so busy fawning over Kinger. She was always around Kinger. Helping him out. Smiling at him. Enjoying his presence. Enjoying his touch. But Jax didn't care. He makes his way towards her bedroom, glancing at her over his shoulder until he can't.
He opens her bedroom door and helps himself inside. As his eyes adjust to the light, he finds the stupid sauce on her bedside table. He approaches and smirks at the stupid sauce, figuring that it had all been so easy. As soon as he raises it to his eye, he pauses as he glances at his surroundings. It had been a while since he had just been in Ragatha's room. He had always made a quick trip to leave a centipede inside. But he had never really taken it in. His ears slightly twitch. He had not been in her bedroom like this since Ribbit had abstracted.
"Fuck," he mutters, only to be censored to the stupid age controls. He raises the stupid sauce to his eye and presses down, letting the substance hit him. He blinks a little in reaction, before slowly feeling the effects of it all. Ragatha's room slowly began to twist around him. The wallpaper seemed to stretch to strange angles. The bed beneath his hands began to slip away from him. A tall figure, who was not quite Ragatha, but somehow resembled her, looked down at him with narrowed eyes and a firm frown. An expression of true hatred. She had finally turned her back on him. She did not want to reach out anymore, even after he had told her to never talk about it again. Even after he had pushed her away so many times. He grasps the edge of Ragatha's bed, breathing heavily and shutting his eyes until she finally left him.
-
"See you later, you guys!" Ragatha waves at the others, as she finally returns to her bedroom after a long day. She opens her door, but hesitates to step over the threshold. Squinting through the darkness, she makes out the figure of Jax slumped over the edge of her bed.
"Jax?" she steps into her room, quietly calling his name.
"Ragatha?" he stirs, squinting up at her with glazed eyes.
She reaches to turn the lights on, only for him to shake his head and bury it back against her blanket. Ragatha frowns, but decides to keep the lights off. Something was wrong.
"Why are you in here?" Ragatha asks, approaching him. "Is… is everything okay?"
"You're not going—right?" he mutters, his voice almost smothered by the sheets.
"What are you talking about?" Ragatha sits on the bed, giving him some space. When she glances at the stupid sauce that had been discarded on the ground, and then back to his sluggish posture, she frowns again. He was completely out of it. "Oh, Jax."
"You were just over there—and then you were turning away—and now you're here," he rambles on, then slowly lifts his head, as if he's struggling with the weight of himself.
"I'm here," she tells him. "I'm not going anywhere."
"How do I know that?" his brow furrows and then he drags himself onto her mattress. "It's… it's not easy to know everything anymore."
"I—I know," Ragatha steadies her voice, suddenly realising what he's referring back to. "But it's always been us, Jax. That won't change."
"It seems like I want change but I don't really know what I want," he slouches against the wall.
Ragatha glances between him and the door, knowing that the second he was sober and could remember this conversation that things between them could just worsen. She didn't want things to worsen even further between them. "How about we go and find Caine? I'm sure he could make you feel better."
"Caine?" Jax repeats, his speech slurred but irritated. "You think I want Caine?"
"Uh… yes?" Ragatha answers, rising and offering him a hand. "Come on, let's get you up—"
"I need you," Jax grasps her hand, bringing her back to the bed. Ragatha lands softly against her mattress, her hand in Jax's. She meets his eyes, tired and shifty with the remnants of the stupid sauce that he had stolen from her.
"You're always trying to take care of people and I'd like you to take care of me now," Jax continues, squeezing her hand.
"Jax," her fingers flinch against his. "That's not how it works."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"You told me that you didn't want to talk to me about it," she starts, then cuts herself off. She didn't know how to approach that topic. "You also told me that you don't like it when I always try to comfort people. But now you want me too? I can. But I'm confused."
"I just want you to," he looks away. "Why can't it be like before?"
"I don't know, Jax," Ragatha quietly admits, something clenching in her chest.
"Then can it be like before—just for a while?" he asks, stroking her hand.
"I think it can," Ragatha agrees, then leans back against the headboard.
Jax follows in silence, letting go of her hand, before shortly pressing his head into her lap. His arms encircle her waist tightly, finding comfort in the fabric of her blue dress and the warmth of her body. He shuts his eyes, blaming his actions on the stupid sauce. Blaming it all on the stupid sauce. He also shuts his eyes because he cannot bear the thought of Ragatha looking down at him in the same way his hallucination did. But he feels her hand slowly press against his forehead. His flattened ears. The back of his head. The sides of his face. Both of her hands. She strokes him in silence, in a way that she had not done in years. Jax exhales, knowing he would deny everything when he would sober up. So he opens his eyes, just a little, just to watch her as she stares down at him and holds him in the darkness.
She stares down at him with empathy etched into her features. With something sad in her eyes. This was also the first time she had been like this with him in years. He gazes at her concern. At the bow in her hair. The soft femininity about her. Something he had shamed her for. Something he could not tell her why he shamed her for. Something he would never say sorry for.
"You're a beautiful woman," he slurs, shutting his eyes. His voice grows thick with sleep. "I don't really want to scare you with all the centipedes."
"I'm sorry I failed you," Ragatha whispers back, only to realise that he had already succumbed to his exhaustion. She frowns down at him, feeling her vision blur with tears, but she holds them back, half wishing that he had heard it—half knowing that it was for the better that he hadn't. She just watches as his body rises and falls with every breath he takes, somehow holding her tight whilst he slept.