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Shane Hollander has a lot of opinions about the world and about himself.
He goes to therapy every week, even on roadies. He knows himself. He works on himself every day.
Every day he tries to be better. On the ice and inside his head.
He struggles with lots of things and he knows that. He fights his insecurities, his eating disorder, his fears.
Being outed was a whirlwind of good and bad things to fight and he sat for a lot of emergency therapy hours.
Ilya’s mental health is another of his fights. He needs to be strong and steady and ready to intervene. He needs to know when to talk and when to just be there for him.
Being on a new team is another struggle. Meating all of these people, adjusting to a new way of playing, new team mates, new habits, people that don’t know him and his quirks is hard. They are easy-going and happy and play with so much joy that it’s a shock for him. He needed to find his way around the team, his space, his role.
But right now, he feels at home. On the ice and outside of it.
He has his locker, the team knows when he needs a little more quiet, the city is his home town. Bood is a calming steady force, Luca is a gentle soul, so happy to play with him that makes hockey fun again. Playing with Ilya is like finally finding a missing puzzle piece. Leaving with him is even better.
Yes, he loves his life and his team and his husband.
He knows himself better than ever.
But he can’t, for the life of him, to explain this weird feeling on his chest… And it’s driving him insane…
It’s almost middle of the season and the winter on Ottawa is in full swing. The Centaurs are on a winning spree and everyone is in a good mood. Christmas is right around the corner.
The coach takes easy on them on today’s practice. They deserve the brake.
Ilya doesn’t make them run endless drills. The rookies are more than happy to listen to their captain.
Even Shane is in a lighter mood.
He’s skating towards his husband when the scene in front of him makes him halt.
Ilya is laughing hard, head thrown back, teeth glistening in the light. His arm is around Troy, who’s also laughing, a smug expression on his face, showing that he’s the one making the captain laugh like that.
The Russian straightens and bumps his head against Troy’s. It’s friendly and intimate and Shane feels like he’s invading their privacy by just standing there.
A second later, his husband sees him and motions for him to come closer.
He slides in their direction, always a magnetic force pulling him when it comes to Ilya.
“Moy Lyubimyy!” Ilya’s arm is on him as soon as he’s close enough. “Where were you?”
“Practicing a pass with Luca.” He sounds harsh, even on his own ears.
Ilya makes a face for a splitting second, before smiling again. “Stealing my little duck, hun?”
“What duck?” Shane looks confused.
“Luca.” Troy answers, taking of his helmet and shaking his hair. “He used to follow Ilya everywhere. Like a little duckling.”
“Yup, my little duck. All grown up.” Ilya reaches out and brushes Troy’s hair from his forehead. “You shouldn’t take the helmet off in the ice. You’ll get a cold.”
Something hot and red and ugly curses through Shane’s chest. He can’t name the feeling, but he hates it.
“Yeah, watch for that.” He turns away and heads to the locker room.
Ilya exchange a look with Troy.
They are at Ottawa’s shopping centre on their day off, trying to buy Christmas gifts.
Shane laughs at Ilya’s enthusiasm picking up toys for the Pikes. Their cart is already overflowing, but the Russian shows no signs of stopping.
“Malysh! Look at this!!!” He holds a set of princess costumes, in an obnoxious rainbow of pinks and purples and sparkles. “The girls will love this!”
“Yes, they will, sweetheart. But we already have like, 10 gifts for each of the kids.”
“Just this one more? They can share…” Ilya pouts.
“Fine…” Shane laughs. “But you’ll be the one wearing those crowns!”
“With pride!!”
They are looking for a new puzzle for David when Ilya stops in front of a Lego set.
“What are you looking at, love?” Shane comes closer, always eager to find what Ilya actually wants, because he never asks for anything.
“Look. It’s Millennium Falcon.”
“Oh, the Star Wars spaceship?”
“Da! The big one!”
Shane takes a look at the huge box and wonders where the hell they’ll put this huge piece of plastic, but if it’s what Ilya wants, this will be under their Christmas tree for sure.
“I didn’t know you liked Star Wars that much…” How could this escape him? “But, yeah, looks cool. Big, but cool.”
“I don’t. But Troy loves it. He’ll love this!” Ilya is picking up the box already.
“You want to give a 900$ Lego set to Troy?” Shane almost squeaks. “Why??”
“He’ll love it! And it’s not 900$, it’s 850$... We can afford it.” Ilya seems a little defeated at his husbands reaction.
“Yeah, we can. But what next? A 800$ grill for Bood? How much will you spent on coach’s gift?” Shane takes in his sad expression and softens a little. “It’s a bit too much, love. The rest of the team will feel unappreciated…”
“No, they won’t. We don’t open gifts together. And we got that expensive pencil set for Luca…”
“It was 100$ professional pencil set, Ilya. The kid got us that amazing handmade portrait on our wedding. It was so nice and thoughtful. He deserves a good Christmas gift. Something that says that we took a moment to choose.”
“I know… But Troy is my friend, Shane…” Ilya puts the set on the shelf. “But ok…”
Shane sighs. It’s ridiculous and expensive and he doesn't want to spend that much money on Troy. But he can’t resist those sad puppy eyes. And it’s Christmas…
“Fine, let’s give him the thousand dollar huge ass space ship. Harris will love it…”
Ilya immediately throws the box on the cart and hugs him. “Thanks, Malysh !!!! You’re the best.”
“Yeah, yeah… Let’s get a puzzle for Dad before you buy half of the store.”
He feels like the Grinch, but again, he doesn’t understand this feeling.
Christmas comes and goes. The weather starts to get better. Spring is coming. The playoffs are coming,
Shane feels more and more at home on the team. Their results speaks for themselves. The news keep calling them “Power Couple” and everyone calls them “Hollanov”.
He finally found his place here. Ilya reads his mind on the ice. He can anticipate Ilya’s every move. Together they are unstoppable. There is not a game where they don’t score. Both of them. Several times.
He still feels butterflies when one of them scores and Ilya skates closer, slamming onto him, kissing his cheek. He still smiles so hard that his face hurts.
The photos of these moments are always front page of every newspaper. Harris is on a media high, almost hysterical with happiness.
Life is good, really good. And yet, something is off.
Shane talked with his therapist about it. About this ugly feeling that keeps nagging him.
She asked if maybe it was insecurity. Or if he feels like he’s invading Ilya’s life.
But no, that’s not it. Ilya always makes him feel safe and welcomed. The way he smiles when he sees him in the morning. The way he reaches for him every time he’s close. The way he looks at him.
Shane is not the best at feelings, but even he knows that his husband adores him. On a super high level.
He grow up on a loving household. He recognises love and care. He saw that on his parents’ eyes every day of his childhood.
So, no. He doesn’t feel insecure or unwelcomed or intruding.
He just feels… off.
And he’s starting to link that off feeling to a particular situation. Or better, to a particular person.
Something very ugly and very cold and very slimy grows on his chest every time he sees Ilya with Troy.
He talks about it with his therapist. Finally finding the source, maybe will give him a solution.
She says he’s jealous.
He scoffs at her. Jealous? Him?
No. Never.
Ok, that one time, when Ilya talked about marring Svetlana like he was talking about buying a new coat, but that was different. That was a life time ago. That was when they thought that being together was impossible.
Now, they are married, for God’s sake! And out! And he can kiss and hug his husband anytime, anywhere.
No, he’s not jealous.
Right?
Right.
They are off the playoffs. Summer is finally here. They are already packing for the cottage, only a few more business meetings on the schedule.
Bood’s annual start of Summer barbecue is in full swing.
Teammates and their partners and children fill his backyard.
The air is hot, the music is loud, the food keeps coming, the drinks keeps being poured, kids screaming on the pool.
Shane should feel overwhelmed, but for now he just feels happy.
He’s talking with Harris, a ginger ale in his hand, a burger in front of him.
“Have you seen my husband around?” Harris wonders.
“Nope, probably running with the kids.”
“Yeah, probably.”
Ilya’s laugh booms and Shane turns his head towards the sound, smiling.
The smile dies on his lips.
Ilya is in the pool with the kids and the rookies. And with Troy.
Troy, that is laughing and spitting water, hair plastered on his forehead, clinging to Ilya’s neck.
The feeling comes back. Full force. Red. Hot. Slimy. Overwhelming.
He can’t see or hear anything else.
He puts down his drink as calmly and neutral as possible.
“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”
Harris looks at him, already getting inside the house and signals Ilya.
Something is not ok.
Ilya finds him on the quiet living room, looking at the window.
“Moy Lyubimyy, are you ok?”
“Yeah, fine.”
“You don’t look fine, Shane.” He comes closer. “Do you want to go home?”
“No, you’re having fun, we stay.”
“That’s not how it works, Shane…” Ilya tries to hug him, but he shrugs. Ilya steps back. “If you want to go home, we go home.”
“No, I don’t. Go play with your friend…”
“Shane… What’s going on?”
“Nothing!” He snaps. “I’m fine, everything is fine!”
“Shane!” Ilya almost screams, almost. “ Talk to me! Why are you mad at me?”
“I’m not, Rozanov! Geez, stop that. I’m fine.”
“You’re not…” Ilya sounds so sad and small. “Tell me… I make it better…”
Shane turns to him and his heart clenches on his chest.
Ilya looks sad. His eyes are already shining with tears, his emotions always up and front when it comes to Shane. Always honest and unguarded and with his heart on his sleeve. Always ready to shrink himself to fit with Shane.
“That’s… That’s ok, love.” Shane motions him to come close. “I’m just being stupid. I’m not mad.”
Ilya drops his head on his shoulder, wet curls dripping. “You are… Tell me…”
“Trust me, I’m just being stupid. It’s me, not you…”
“We are together… Tell me…”
Shane sighs and holds him for a second.
“You love being with Troy…”
Ilya tries to look at him, but Shane squeezes him tighter and he gets the message. Loud and clear.
“Da, he’s my friend.” He kisses his husband shoulder. “But I love being with you more…”
“He’s funnier…”
He shrugs. “Still, you are funnier.”
“I’m boring, Ilya. You know that.”
“But I love you being boring.”
“No one loves boring.” Shane sighs. “He’s funny and adventurous and loves the same things as you do. And he was there for you…”
“Shane…” Ilya pulls away and looks at him. “Shane, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know…” He looks anywhere but at him. A minute goes by. Ilya waits. “Maybe…”
“Maybe…”
“Would you be with him? If Harris wasn’t in the picture?”
“Shane!!!” He sounds revolted. “What are you talking about??? I never, ever loved anyone but you! No woman, no man, anyone! I told you this all those years ago!”
“But you didn’t know Troy by then...”
“And what? I met him and suddenly thought ‘oh, actually, I don’t love Shane all that much. I want this one better|’ like a new shirt??” Now he sounds hurt. “And then I kept dating you, I fought to be with you, I MARRIED you, just because he fell in love with Harris? Is that what you think of me?”
Ilya runs his fingers on his hair and leans on the back of the couch.
“No… It’s not… It’s not that…” Shane stutters. “I don’t know…”
“What Shane?” He crosses his arms, body tight, shoulders up to his ears. “What don’t you know? That I love you? That I want you? Only you? Always you?”
“No!! No!!” Shane shakes his head. “It’s not you…”
“Oh, now it’s the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk… Yeah, ok.”
“No, Ilya!!! No!” Shane walks a few steps, gets back, walks again. “Yes, it’s me, but it’s me and my head and these stupid thoughts…”
“What thoughts, Shane? Talk to me!! Explain!”
“I don’t know!!” He curls into himself. “I’m… I don’t know…”
“You don’t like Troy? Did he do something?” Ilya puts his hands on his shoulders. “He bothers you?”
“No, not him… He’s… nice. It’s…”
“Malysh …” Ilya hugs him, the pressure grounding him, putting him back on his body. “What’s going on?”
“You laugh so much with him… You always run to him, as soon as you see him… You get him expensive gifts and things that he likes… You two have so much fun together… I…” Shane exhales. “I’m jealous, Ilya, ok? I’m jealous…”
“Of Troy??” Ilya almost laughs. “You’re jealous of Troy?”
“Yes…” He drops his head on the blonde’s shoulder. “Remember that first time at the cottage? When you talked about marrying Sveta?” Ilya nods. “That’s how I feel… But it’s worse! He’s… He’s here! Always. And… I feel that everyday…”
“Shane… Sweetheart. I like Troy. And we have lots of fun together. But it’s like you and Pike. Just that. He’s my friend. The first one to know about us. To know my biggest, happiest secret. We bonded over that. But it’s just that.”
“Like me and Hay?”
“Yes. But funnier then Pike!” Shane chuckles. “Ok?”
“Ok…” He sighs. “Sorry…”
“For what?”
“For being this mess…”
“For being jealous of your awesome husband? I get it. I’m always jealous of mine.”
“Of me??? Why??”
“Because you are amazing and everybody loves you and someone can steal you.”
“I’m not. And I’m not going anywhere”
“Don’t know that…”
“I know.” He kisses him. “I’m only compatible with you.”
“Compatible, hun?” Ilya laughs. “Yeah… And I still don’t want this problem to go away.”
Shane laughs and hugs him tighter. “That’s a problem… I don’t want to go away either.”
“You belong to me, Malysh. And I belong to you.”
Shane clings to his husband for a bit. Just inhaling him. Feeling him. His safe place. His grounding force. His gravity.
Yes. They belong together. Forever.