Chapter Text
Tashiro POV
“Ta-shi-ro-kun, you’re gonna have to try harder than that if you want to beat me!” Hanzawa hummed in his Hanzawa-esque way, knocking the ping pong ball past Tashiro and making the score 12-12—they were tied–again. Tashiro couldn’t help but huff, refusing to reply. He pushed his bangs away from his forehead and took off his outer robe. He couldn’t do much about the back, since his hair was already half up.
Was it just Tashiro, or did it feel like they were stuck inside an oven in the middle of November? His skin felt like it was melting off like wax, and Hanzawa looked as unbothered as ever. In fact, he even looked refreshed! What kind of unfair stamina was this??
Hanzawa-senpai was always infuriating, but it was almost as if he was deliberately taunting him at this point. There was no way he was beating everyone at the ping pong club school festival stall just for candy! And Tashiro thought they had built some rapport after following Sasaki and Miyano around together that one time. There was definitely something off about him today. Retrieving the ball, Tashiro restarted the rally. This would be his comeback! Can’t let the grumpy old captain ruin the spirit of the school festival!
“Woo…Tashiro,” Shirahama said half-heartedly in the most unenthusiastic voice the blonde had ever heard. Yeah. Sure. Six years of friendship for this guy to cheer like a distracted dad looking at his phone during a piano recital. Tashiro saw how it was.
“If you’re gonna cheer, at least make it sound like you mean it!” Tashiro barked back at him while hitting the ball full force. It didn’t even hit the table, flying right past. 12-13. Hanzawa needed one more point to win, unless Tashiro scored again.
“Ah-ah, Tashiro! Don’t get distracted now!” Hanzawa practically sang, the angle of his closed eyes (how did he even see the ball?) taking on a playful squint. He leaned onto the ping pong table, almost like he was in his natural habitat. That sent a shiver down Tashiro’s spine. Scary. He could swear Hanzawa had some kind of purple aura around him, making him look even more striking and imposing. Now that was just unfair!! Why couldn’t Tashiro have one too?
“C’mon Tashiro!” yelled Ogasawara, his upperclassman who was somehow more enthusiastic than Shirahama. Well, he probably just wanted retribution (who wouldn’t?) on Hanzawa for beating him in ping pong. And taking all the candy. And bullying his underclassmen. And hogging the ping pong club stall all to himself. And–ugh. Hanzawa-senpai was being a jerk today, more than usual. Tashiro gritted his teeth determinedly, paying attention as Hanzawa restarted the round.
“You can do this!” yelled Miyano, leaning on Sasaki's shoulder to watch while Sasaki rested his head on top of Miyano’s. This was how a friend was supposed to cheer you on–take notes, Shirahama! On another hand, Sasaki and Miyano were so domestic that Shirahama looked conflicted once again. Someone should get that guy a girlfriend before he combusted, not that he deserved one after that horrible cheer from earlier.
“Go, Maa-kun!” cheered Hanzawa’s older brother. Maa-kun? Was that Hanzawa-senpai’s nickname? It was almost disgustingly cute. Despite the seriousness of the situation (ie. saving his candy), Tashiro couldn’t help but giggle at this.
“Onii-san,” Hanzawa replied reproachfully. “Stop it.”
Hanzawa’s brother put his hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright! I’ll let you get back into the game,” he said, winking and wiggling his eyebrows.
Tashiro sure hoped that the wiggle in the older Hanzawa brother’s eyebrows wasn’t a sign of a seizure. He was much too young to be responsible for someone’s death, and he was actually (against his will) quite busy for the moment.
Hanzawa, however, looked quite bothered by his brother’s antics, for reasons Tashiro couldn’t understand. He put up with Tashiro skipping club every week, after all. Not that he ever understood Hanzawa, really. But, even if the older one was distracted, that honestly didn’t stop Tashiro from doing what he could to save his own game (and his candy)!
While Hanzawa was turned towards his brother, mouth turned down in an uncharacteristic frown, Tashiro hit the ball towards the edge of the table as fast as possible. 13-13. Tied again. They really were a good match! In ping pong, that is.
Tashiro smiled triumphantly at Hanzawa’s look of incredulity, as if he couldn’t quite believe that his old lazy underclassman was playing dirty. Well, he couldn’t complain either way. If the blonde had been the one distracted instead, Hanzawa would’ve done the same, probably with some cheeky remark to boot.
“Gotcha!” Tashiro couldn’t help but exclaim in delight. At this point, Hanzawa went from laid-back captain mode into late-Tashiro captain mode. His smile grew a little tighter around the edges, his eyes a bit more frayed. Though he felt another shiver go down his spine, if Tashiro was being honest, it was more anticipation than fear. He must be going crazy. Yes, he had dyed his hair, but he wasn’t that much of a risk taker as to enjoy Hanzawa’s scary mode, right? It wasn’t like he had much time to consider it, however, as the sadistic looking upperclassmen suddenly decided that this was the perfect moment to start another rally.
At the same time, Ogasawara, who had been engaged in a conversation with Sasaki and Miyano just a second earlier, suddenly turned to them. “Alright,” he said, pointing at his friend. “If you lose, Hanzawa, you’re coming with me.”
Tashiro felt a bit of a pang at this as he hit the ball back towards Hanzawa. Maybe college made you a boring person automatically. That’s the only explanation of why they would leave a school festival so early. (Though Tashiro knew Hanzawa liked kareoking all night with his college friends sometimes from some of their texts, so that wasn’t the case.) But, anything if it meant that guy would finally leave the candy alone and stop hogging the damn ping pong stall.
In reaction to what Ogasawara said, Hanzawa’s eyes opened, flashing purple. The look on his face was uncharacteristically serious, and Tashiro was proud because, for once, he was right about his (former) club captain. He was so much better at reading him now! Something was definitely wrong, especially if Hanzawa was willing to let the ball pass by his shoulder. 14-13. One more point and Tashiro could save his pocket money from poor prize budgeting!! (Not like he wasn’t planning on spending it all on candy anyways–but it was supposed to be for himself..)
“I will have absolute victory,” said Hanzawa. He raised his ping pong paddle like it was a weapon, serving the ball back to the other side of the net with precision. Tashiro swears he saw a fire in Hanzawa-senpai’s iris, like in those otome games Shirahama liked playing so much. Was he planning to win the game or murder Tashiro??
“Don’t say it like that!” Tashiro yelled. “I’m out of candy to give this guy!” At this rate, Tashiro would actually have to spend all his pocket money for the next three months just to supply Hanzawa’s wins. He actually needed to be stopped.
To rub salt in the wound, Hanzawa gave the most smartass out of all the smartass replies Tashiro had ever heard him utter. “Your budgeting calculations were supremely inaccurate,” he said, hitting the ball quickly back towards Tashiro, barely giving him any time to breathe. (Stop! Save a Tashiro! He was already overheating!)
“Why don’t you wanna go with him?” Miyano asked. It was a good question. Miyano often asked good questions. Was something specific happening between Hanzawa and Ogasawara-senpai? Maybe that’s why he was so unusually bitchy today!
“...Because it might end in a fight,” is what the older one said in reply. Hanzawa’s face was…unsure. Insecure. It sent a shock through Tashiro. He was long past the point of actually thinking about Hanzawa like he was an actual robot, but he was usually so well put together that Tashiro had never expected him to look like– whatever this was. Hanzawa was brave, strong, and hard-working in a way that Tashiro couldn’t imagine himself ever being.
“I don’t know the full story, but…” Tashiro huffed with indignation as he sent the ball flying back towards Hanzawa, “...there’s no way you’d lose a fight like that!” Seriously, this guy. Losing a fight! As if! Tashiro could sooner see Hanzawa eating his own sock than be willing to lose.
That was, until Hanzawa brought his paddle to his mouth in clear surrender, letting the ping pong ball hit the floor. 15-13.
“How barbaric of you to call it a fight,” he said slyly, but his underclassman could tell he was smiling. Tashiro couldn’t help but smile back. Now this was the club leader he begrudgingly had grown to admire (and maybe even care for), witty comebacks and all.
“What’s barbaric is the amount of candy you have,” said Ogasawara, deadpan and pointing at the bags upon bags of candy Hanzawa had won. Tashiro couldn’t help but agree. His pocket hurt with all the candy he had Shirahama buy to replace it all. Speaking of…
“I DID IT!!!” Tashiro yelled at the top of his lungs, raising his hands in victory and accepting the praises from his underclassmen. Victory at last! Santa had come, and the school festival grinch was no longer free to roam as he pleased!
Though, it was nice of Hanzawa-senpai to offer to pay back double what he had taken. Maybe Tashiro should’ve expected it. When he was still at school, Hanzawa would mess with Tashiro, but he never took it too far, mainly because of the deep care he often had for his juniors. That was just how Hanzawa was.
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Hanzawa POV
“...You’ve certainly improved,” said Hanzawa, looking at his successor as club captain who was accepting praises from his teammates. The older one could feel his cheeks hurting as a smile he wasn’t quite used to and a small blush overtook his face.
This was why he liked being around Tashiro, he supposed, even when they couldn’t really be anything beyond what they already were. The blonde was happy go lucky and carefree to a fault, and there was something about his presence that made Hanzawa feel that much more brave as a result. At the moment, even something that had haunted him for years felt insignificant. Maybe he could face this. Face his anger at his brother’s ex. Face the slap on the cheek he could still see when his brother sat in the sunlight just right. Face the feelings.
Walking out of the clubroom felt like drifting through a cloud almost. Too light, in a way that felt soft but almost threatening in its safety. Feeling his older brother’s hands, smaller than his own, pushing on his shoulders, Hanzawa couldn’t help but to think of what he should or could say. Truly, he didn’t think he could ever truly forgive what Ogasawara’s brother had done. The worst part was, Ogasawara probably didn’t know. That it wasn’t just any old random fight between friends. That their brothers were supposed to be in love. That they were dating. That they had fucked up Hanzawa’s perception of gay love completely before Sasaki and Miyano.
But, they weren’t really asking Hanzawa to forgive him, not completely. He just had to listen, to learn to let go of things. To not let this feeling eat away at him secretly, like he had been doing for the past 5 years. Courage and a pair of bright green eyes was all that was needed to allow him to take the leap, really.
…
A few weeks later, life was back on track. Hanzawa couldn’t say that the conversation had caused him to forgive that scum, but he had begun to forgive himself for being too late. And, really, that was all that mattered.
It was finally the weekend, and Sasaki had finally agreed to meet up with his old high school friends for one day instead of going on a date, though Hanzawa wasn’t quite sure it counted, since Miyano was apparently busy studying for finals. Hanzawa honestly couldn’t care less—Sasaki and Miyano were in love, after all—but Ogasawara was indignant.
“I have a girlfriend, but you don’t see me pulling this stuff,” he grumbled, shaking his head.
The ginger guy sitting across the table had a furrowed brow. “Well, maybe you should be spending more time with Eimi, then. How is this my problem?” he asked, leaning back against the booth seat and taking a sip from his strawberry milkshake.
Ogasawara gritted his teeth. “You—“
Considering that those two had been friends the longest out of all of them, maybe it was no surprise that they riled each other up so easily. It was like watching a wolf and fox trying to tear each other apart for sport, except no one was having any fun but the two engaging in the fight.
Hirano sighed. “Enough!” he said, slapping Ogasawara’s shoulder lightly. “Stop fighting.” Hirano had also been quite busy as of late because he was ‘helping his junior study’, but he wasn’t getting bothered for it– likely because Ogasawara was a bit scared of him. Either that, or Ogasawara didn’t even realize that Hirano’s relationship with Kagiura was out of the ordinary, which was likely considering his usual thick-headedness.
Hanzawa felt his lips turning up almost automatically. He had new friends in college, but nothing hit the same as this. “Now, now, let’s stay civil,” he hummed leisurely. “How has everyone been recently?” Hanzawa was mainly addressing Sasaki and Ogasawara, since he and Hirano went to the same college.
The four of them had just met up a few days ago at the school festival, but checking in on how their juniors were progressing had been a priority for everyone but Ogasawara. Sasaki had spent 90% of the time with Miyano, Hanzawa hadn’t even seen Hirano after getting into the campus–though he was probably in the basketball club fair—and Hanzawa was taking over the ping pong club stall. Even afterwards, Hanzawa had spent most of his time talking to Ogasawara’s brother over him. They needed to catch up desperately.
Ogasawara shrugged, unintentionally mirroring Sasaki’s pose across from him as he placed his hands behind his head and leaned backwards. “Same old, same old. Classes are horrible, but Eimi and I have been fighting less, so I guess there’s that.”
Hirano raised a brow. “That’s surprising.” Hanzawa couldn’t help but agree internally. A few years ago, that would have been completely unheard of.
Ogasawara puffed up his chest, smiling triumphantly. “And what’s so surprising about it?”
Sasaki rolled his eyes lazily, rotating his shoulders backwards like a cat stretching after a nap. “Everything. You guys haven’t stopped fighting ever, even back when we were in middle school.”
Hanzawa nodded. “It is a bit out of the ordinary,” he said. That was putting it delicately, but honestly, what Sasaki had said was probably enough to convey how he felt. Ten times out of ten, if Ogasawara was moping around school, it was because his girlfriend had fought with him again.
“Yeah,” Hirano added, exasperated. “You’ve pretty much complained to all of us a million times at this point. In fact, I don’t believe you. I bet–”
But, the other three would never get to find out what Hirano bet as his ringtone went off at that exact moment. But it wasn’t just any ringtone–that would be too simple. A bright and upbeat melody, reminiscent of a certain someone. The second Hanzawa heard it, he already knew– Hirano would most definitely be leaving within the span of the next five minutes.
This was further proven by the way the blonde instantly answered his phone, not even bothering to hide the way his eyes brightened. “Kagi-kun?” he said, voice far softer than it had been moments prior. “What is it? Is everything okay?”
Sasaki raised a brow, sharing eye contact with Hanzawa on his right, who could only find this situation slightly humorous and hypocritical. Yes, this was a drastic change from Hirano’s usual disposition, but it wasn’t really all that different from the way Sasaki changed around Miyano. Ogasawara looked back and forth between the two dubiously. “What are you two doing?” Hanzawa could only shake his head.
Hirano spilt into a wide smile, still holding the phone to his ear. “Oh, okay. Give me a second, Kagi-kun.” Turning to the other three at the table, he gestured outside, already standing up and preparing to put on his coat. “I’m gonna go meet up with someone, they’re supposed to be in the area for a school trip.”
Hanzawa nodded, waving with a smile. “Send Kagiura-kun my regards~.”
Ogasawara stared, dumbfounded as he watched Hirano’s back retreat further and further. The second Hirano was out of earshot, Ogasawara turned his head so hard he must’ve gotten whiplash. He stared at Sasaki, who honestly couldn’t look less bothered if he was asleep. “Did you see that or am I hallucinating?”
“You’re hallucinating,” said Sasaki, nodding. He took another sip of his strawberry milkshake.
Now that Hanzawa thought about it, Ogasawara was always out of the loop–not because they were actively keeping things from him, but because he was just that oblivious. It wasn’t his fault technically, but casual ignorance could sometimes be worse than intentional hurt. If he had just been a little more aware, maybe Hanzawa’s older brother would be okay, maybe he wouldn’t have been abused by the first boyfriend he ever had. Maybe Hanzawa would be okay too.
Hanzawa glanced out the window, and in the distance, he saw Hirano and Kagiura. The way they both instantly lit up when walking up to each other. The way Hirano took off his own scarf to wrap around Kagiura’s face, fond and protective. The way their fingers intertwined as they walked off, talking about God knows what. It was all so easy. So perfect. So…natural.
A hand waved in front of Hanzawa’s field of vision, forcing him to blink. “Hellooo?” said Sasaki. “Earth to Hanzawa?”
Hanzawa sighed, looking back from the window to find Sasaki now sitting across from him and an absent Ogasawara. “Where’s…” His attention was drawn to the front of the restaurant, where he could hear faint yelling and the sound of shoes hitting the floor as its owner paced. Hanzawa could distinctly hear the words 'delinquent uke’ and ‘monster seme’.
“So…I’m assuming the couple drama isn’t as done as Ogasawara-kun claimed,” Hanzawa concluded. Sasaki shook his head, still slurping his strawberry milkshake. He had been the only one to order anything, as everyone had already eaten lunch, and Hanzawa could swear he was on his fifth milkshake by the way he was constantly drinking from it.
From where they were sitting, they could see Ogasawara storm out the door in a fury， shouting curses all the way. When he was fully out of sight, Sasaki finally set down his milkshake. “Hanzawa, I need to talk to you.”
Sasaki? Initiating conversation? Without Miyano? Hanzawa raised a brow, smiling. “Are we not talking right now?”
“...It’s about Tashiro,” continues Sasaki. Hanzawa could feel sweat building on his palms as he kept his expression carefully neutral. But, why though? It wasn’t like he was really guilty of anything. He had never really done anything that crossed the boundaries of a typical senpai-kouhai relationship.
“Tashiro-kun?” asked Hanzawa, tilting his head to the side. “Why?”
Sasaki stared at Hanzawa like he was being thick on purpose. “You have feelings for him, don’t you?”
Hanzawa felt a pit sinking in his stomach. “I don’t quite understand what you mean.”
Sasaki sighed, leaning his head back against the seat again in exasperation. “C’mon now, you’re not Hirano. You know exactly what I mean. You like Tashiro. Romantically.” Hanzawa wanted to barf. His hands did not ball into fists. He did not react.
“I don’t know what led you to that conclusion…but you’re wrong. What I feel for Tashiro is purely what any senpai would for a reliable and funny kouhai.” Hanzawa smiles.
Sasaki seems unconvinced. “Really? Are you saying you act the same with Yosh– Mya-chan or Roommate-kun?”
“Undoubtedly!” hums Hanzawa. “I love all my kouhais equally.”
“You would chase them all down for weeks to have them be your successor? As I seem to recall from Hirano, you sure gave up pretty easily on Roommate-kun becoming dorm manager,” Sasaki challenged.
“Well, that’s different! Kagiura-kun already had basketball. And besides that, Tashiro-kun was really wasting his potential where he was. He’s very charismatic– just draws people right in! It would be stupid of me not to make him the next club captain.”
Sasaki just stares. “Do you even hear yourself right now? Is it also his “charisma” that made you so willing to talk to Ogasawara’s brother after years– yes, I know about that.”
Hanzawa clasps his hands, biting the inside of his cheek. “...Don’t talk about that. You have no idea–”
“Listen, I was also closed off before I met Mya-chan– you know that as well as I do. I understand wanting to be better for someone—” Sasaki began.
“You and Miyano are different, though!” Hanzawa practically shouted before realizing. “...You and Miyano make each other better.”
Sasaki raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying you make Tashiro worse or something? Because, I actually think–”
“No.” Hanzawa shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean at all. I doubt Tashiro-kun could be affected that heavily by me, anyways.”
Sasaki sighed. “Hanzawa…be honest with me. What’s going on in that ginormous, unreadable head of yours? Why are you denying something you and I both know is true? There’s nothing wrong with it if you do like him, dude. Your brother is cool– I doubt he’d care if you came out to him. Even if Tashiro doesn’t like you back, isn’t it better that you know for sure?”
“You don’t get it, Sasaki, but I can’t say I’m surprised,” Hanzawa hears himself laugh. “You liked a dude, and you can express yourself instantly! You don’t need to worry about anybody else! You feel freed, and good for you! Your sister, was it? She has a boyfriend, she can carry on the family line in the future! But…not everybody lives in the same fantasy world that you do!”
Sasaki is taken aback, his expression darkening. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Have you ever had your brothers both come out at the dinner table and heard your mom accept them because ‘Masato can have the grandchildren’? Have you ever walked into a room after your older brother was borderline abused by his boyfriend? Have you had to fight your prejudice for years and years, your own anger and hatred?”
Hanzawa runs his hands through his hair while watching Sasaki suddenly be overcome by understanding. He hates it, hates the pity that washes over his face. Sasaki isn’t supposed to care, only understand where Hanzawa may be coming from. “...I’ve tamped down every single feeling that I’ve had for Tashiro for my family’s happiness, and for his own. This is for the better.”
“Do you think your brothers would be happy, like this? Knowing that you’re trying to give up your own happiness for theirs?!” Sasaki replies with more heat, more emotion than Hanzawa had ever seen him express.
“They’ll never know. And neither will Tashiro.”
Sasaki sighs again. He seemed to be doing that quite a lot around Hanzawa during their conversation. “From my perspective, the only thing stopping you is yourself.” He shrugs. “If that’s the case, I doubt your brothers would be anything but accepting– but for you, that seems to be the problem. And, from what I see…you’re being more cruel to Tashiro than anything. You’re depriving him of a choice for his own happiness.”
Hanzawa breaks eye contact, looking out the window once more. “He doesn’t like me. Not that way, at least.”
Hanzawa can practically feel Sasaki’s eyes boring into the back of his head. “If that’s what you think…I guess this is where our conversation ends.” He stands, turning back to call to Hanzawa over his shoulder. “I usually don’t care in the slightest, but…Yoshikazu and I are here, if you want to talk.” He picks up the bill, heading to the front counter to pay for his milkshake.
Hanzawa is left alone at the table, staring out the window. He sees a young man half-walking half-running to a girl, intertwining their fingers together. He feels his heart clench at the sight.