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“Ah, this is the life!” Paimon sighed after devouring a whole Sweet Madame. “Paimon knows she said she’d never be able to choose a favorite place, but the Good Hunter is definitely on the top.”
Lumine just nodded, but smiled at the sight of her happy companion. “Was there anything else we had to do in Mondstadt today besides commissions?”
“Hm… Paimon can’t think of anything else, unless we wanted to go to the blacksmith or–” Paimon suddenly jumped out of her seat, a very unusual occurrence, especially after such a heavy meal. “Traveler! Look over there! Isn’t that Lohen?”
“What’s he doing out in the city?” Lumine quickly turned around to look at the odd sight, only to find the infamous Vice Captain… buying flowers? Before she could say anything however, Paimon had already started to zoom off.
This wasn’t going to end well.
“Lohen!!!” Paimon exclaimed loud enough for the Heavenly Principals to hear. “Whatcha doing? Ooh, who’s the special someone?”
“Uh…” Lohen stammered, hastily digging through his backpack until he pulled out a bag of Mora. “Heyyy Paimon! We’re friends, right? What do you say I give you this Mora to stay quiet? Y’know, ‘cause that’s what friends do, right?”
“Oooooh GIMMMIE!!!” Paimon’s eyes sparkled, reaching out to claim the Mora until Lumine dragged Paimon away by the collar.
“Paimon! No more accepting bribes!” The Traveler scolded, before turning to face Lohen with an equally annoyed expression. “So, Lohen, what’s the point of the bribe this time?”
“Oh Traveler, you wound me!” Lohen fake gasped, only resulting in Lumine rolling her eyes at the childish action. “Since when can’t I give a gift to my dear friends?”
“Lohen, you just told Paimon to stay quiet.”
“Because she’s so loud!” Lohen laughed nervously, nothing like his mad cackles on the battlefield. “You’re with Paimon all the time, surely you’ve noticed that!”
Lumine said nothing to contradict that statement.
“Hey!” Paimon whined, attracting the attention of at least ten random people to them. “Paimon is not loud!”
“Yeah, tell that to the people staring at you.”
“You- hmph!” Paimon crossed her arms, before her eyes suddenly lit up again. “So, about those flowers, who’re they for? Ooh, Paimon knows, they’re for Miss Lisa!”
“What? No!” Lohen wrinkled his nose in almost disgust. “And keep it down would you?”
“It’s not Lisa?!” Paimon cried, pacing (or floating, I suppose) back and forth, thinking of possible suspects, taking out those stupid fake glasses and mustache from Fontaine out again. “Hm… Kaeya!”
“Nope.”
“Uh, Albedo?”
“Not even close.”
“IT’S KLEE!”
“...Klee?”
“KLEE.”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Lohen groaned. “I may be well-known as a psychopath and possible sadist, but I’m not a pedophile! And Klee’s practically like a sister to me!”
“So you support incest too–”
“Don’t even finish that thought, it’s wrong.”
“Dang it, that was going to be Paimon’s ace… Traveler, do you have your Travel Accounts Journal with you?” Paimon started to float towards Lumine’s backpack, but was quickly swatted away like a fly.
“Paimon, let’s just go before you accuse someone else of being a mass murderer.” Lumine sighed, completely done with the combination of Lohen and Paimon, those two could bring down a whole city together, but it’s not like they’d ever even get along to do so. “Anyways, see ya Lohen.”
“Wait! Detective Paimon knows! The flowers! They’re not for someone in Monstadt, are they?” Paimon asked, a smirk plastering her face. Lumine had to admit, she did want to see how he’d respond to that.
“...no.” Lohen responded, quickly turning away
“AHA! PAIMON KNEW IT!!!” Paimon squealed, wriggling while in the Traveler’s grasp. “He’s gonna import romance!”
“...Paimon, you really need to learn when to shut up.”
The rest of the day continued on, about as normally as it could be if you were the famous Traveler who lived with the strange Paimon.
“Dodoco… dodoco…”
Well, it was normal until Lumine was subjected to that noise.
“Hm, Paimon wonders what Alice has to say to us this time!” Paimon started to rustle through the Traveler’s backpack for the Dodocommunication Device.
“Whatever it is, I hope she doesn’t make it painfully cryptic."
“Greetings my dear Lumine and Paimon!” Alice’s cheerful voice ringed through the area. “I do hope Mondstadt has been treating you well! If not, then don't worry—I intend to fix that immediately.”
“...great.” Lumine muttered under her breath.
“What’s with the disappointment in your voice? I promise, I won’t be sending you to fight for your life this time!”
“Well that’s new.” Paimon murmured. “What are we doing this time then?”
“Well, you see, ever since the victory at Nod-Krai, I’ve been thinking, we should have a joyous celebration! Of course, whenever I mention this to anyone, they always complain about bringing everyone together and planning and all that boring stuff, so I’ve decided I’ll do all of that faster than the blink of an eye!”
“...how?!” Paimon screamed, taken aback by the idea of Alice’s plan.
“Oh it’s quite simple! I’ve enlisted the help of Madame Ping from Liyue, so this pocket dimension for our little tea party should be more or less safe.”
“More or less?!”
“Oh, Paimon, you’re focusing on the boring stuff! Don’t worry, there’ll be lots of tea, music, games, and enough sweets to keep even your stomach satisfied!”
“Really? Oh, Paimon can’t wait! What about you, Traveler?”
Lumine shook her head at the absurdity of the whole situation. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“Now that’s the spirit!” Alice giggled. “Now, invitations are terribly old-fashioned, so I’ve thought of something slightly… faster.”
“...Alice?” Lumine asked, cautiously.
“Yes, dear Lumine?”
“What do you mean by faster?”
“Oh, don’t worry about that! Anyways, see you soon! Toodles!”
“See you soon?!” Paimon grabbed her head, panicking. “When’s soon–”
POOF!
“Paimon.”
“Yes, Traveler?”
“That’s soon.”
“How does that work– ooh look, cake!” There goes Paimon. And now, if this whole thing ended up in chaos, Lumine would have to not only defend everyone else, but also find Paimon, hidden within a crowd of an unhealthy amount of people from both Monstadt and Nod-Krai, both groups of people who bond over their love of drinking.
Splendid.
Lumine decided that the best course of action was to find someone who had even a fraction more sense than Alice.
“Let’s see…” A familiar voice mumbled, a voice that could only belong to the angel, Nicole. Thank the Archons (except Venti, he would make this worse) that there would be someone reasonable “There’s the Grandmaster, Miss Eula, Miss Lisa, young Albedo, young Durin, Sir Kaeya, it seems everyone is here except… oh, Lumine, it’s you!”
Lumine smiled and waved at the angel. “Nicole, exactly now many people have been invited?”
“Hm, let me take a look…” Nicole focused on her sheet of paper. “I’d say around hundred people, why do you ask?”
“...no reason, just curious.”
“Well, if it isn’t the great Traveler herself!” Venti walked up to Lumine, drink in hand, and somehow already drunk. “How are you doing~”
“Better than most days, and from the looks of it, you’re gonna be plastered in a few moments.”
“Ah well, if I die–”
“You’re a god, you don’t die like that.”
“Oh. Right.” Venti blinked, then shook his head. “Well anyways, I’d just like to point out that this is a lot less packed than what happened three years ago. Alice invited a whole hilichurl tribe. They had a good taste for drinks.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me of that…” Nicole shivered at the thought. “The clean up took ages!”
“I’m not even going to bother asking…” Lumine sighed, starting to walk over to the table to get herself a drink before she got one which was drugged by Lohen.
Speaking of the infamous knight, where was he? Well, there was no harm in asking, was there?
Lumine turned to face Albedo. “Hey, have you seen Lohen?”
“Lohen?” Albedo looked up from his cup of tea. “Oh yeah, I saw him. He was hiding something behind his back but I couldn’t pay attention to what it was since Klee was dragging me by the arm.”
“Are we talking about Mister Lohen?” Noelle joined the conversation. “He asked me to help him with something before the party.”
“What was it?!” A small girl in red started to jump up and down. “Klee wants to know!”
“Klee, what are you doing here?” Albedo’s eyes widened, helping the girl onto a chair. “I thought you were with Aunt Alice.”
“Mama said she had to finish something important so she told me to come to you!” Klee grinned. “She said something about, uh… ‘blossoming young love’.”
“Of course she did.” Albedo groaned, finishing his cup of tea.
“Ooh, are we talking about love, cuties?” Lisa interrupted. “Tell me everything.”
Noelle’s cheeks started to flush with embarrassment. “Uhm…”
“Paimon knows!” Paimon shoved her way into the crowd of familiar faces. “You must be Lohen’s special someone! Wait, no, but he said they weren’t from Mondstadt… which means NOELLE ISN’T FROM MONSTADT!”
“Wait, no!” Noelle waved her hands in front of her face, clenching her eyes shut. “I swear it isn’t like that! He just needed assistance with something!"
“Oh?” Kaeya chuckled as he wandered over, drink in hand. “Should I be concerned?”
“It’s about Lohen, who wouldn’t be concerned?” Eula replied, though she quietly pulled up another chair anyway. “And now he’s blackmailed Noelle into his plans, which can only mean trouble.”
“B-blackmail?” Mika stuttered. “Is someone in trouble?”
“No…” Lumine answered. “Well, not yet, at least.”
“I give it five minutes before the whole pocket dimension explodes on itself.” Albedo said, stirring a dangerous amount of sugar into his tea.
“Hey everyone!” Durin flew over to their direction. “Did I miss something?”
“Klee thinks we’re talking about love!”
“Love?” Durin tilted his head. “Whose love?”
“Does it really matter?” Wanderer groaned, pulling his hat down to hide his face. “Let’s just get this over with quickly.”
“It’s Big Brother Lohen’s love!!!” Klee wiggled in her seat, radiating with excitement.
“My oh my…” Lisa giggled. “Now this is going to get interesting.”
“I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone…” Noelle muttered under her breath.
“Noelle, if that idiot threatens you, he’s messing with the wrong knights!” Amber exclaimed, raising her drink up into the air. “Now tell us everything!”
“Please send help.” Noelle looked down at the ground.
“Now, now, what’s going on?” Jean intervened.
“Noelle’s keeping a secret for Lohen!” Paimon screeched.
“What did that damned rascal do now?!” Varka barked, already on his fourth drink. “Wait, where is that kid?”
“Noelle!” Lohen rushed over to the scene, shoving everyone in his path away. “Start the operation now!”
“R-right!” Noelle quickly handed Lohen the flowers Lumine remembered him buying earlier, then sprayed him with some sort of perfume, which led to Lohen having a coughing fit.
“Noelle, how much fucking perfume did you use?!”
“Uh… I think the whole bottle?”
Lohen opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Y’know what, I’ll deal with it. Keep going with the plan, remember?! Just like we practiced!”
She snatched Amber’s tea cup from her and started to hit it with a spoon. “Uh, I need everyone’s attention? Please? Maybe?”
Sucrose, seeing her friend in peril, picked up a teacup and spoon as well to do the same, though it had little effect.
Suddenly, Lumine grabbed Paimon by the leg. “Paimon. It’s time.”
“TIME?! TIME FOR WHAT?!”
Everyone in the room turned to look at the crowd around Noelle.
“Oh, uh, thank you Paimon.”
“...Huh?”
“Uh, could everyone please look at Sir Lohen?”
Conversations died away one by one. Glasses stopped clinking together. Even Venti lowered his drink for a moment. One hundred pairs of eyes turned to face Lohen, Vice Captain of the Fifth Company, holding a bouquet of flowers and bright red in the face.
Shit, I didn’t realize there’d be this many people… Lohen thought to himself, his heart suddenly racing even more than it did when he was against Rerir. Calm down Lohen, the worst case scenario is just starting all over again!
Lohen cleared his throat. “I assume that most of you know me, so I’ll skip the introduction. Now, would my dear Birdie come and face me?”
Silence.
IS HE EVEN INVITED?! WHERE THE HELL IS HE? IS HE SICK? EVERYTHING IS RUINED AHHHH—
“Birdie~ Come on, don’t ignore me.” Act calm, act calm, act calm…
A pathway started to clear in the crowd, and lo and behold, the man of the hour, Illuga, Squad Leader of the Nightmare Orioles, walked through, looking extremely confused, amused, cute and bewildered. He looked Lohen in the eye. “What is this?”
Lohen looked at the flowers, the crowd of people, and then Illuga. “Heh, looking back on it now, this may not have been my best plan.”
“You never have a plan.” Illuga rolled his eyes, then looked at the flowers. “Who are those for?”
“Why do you think I called you down here Birdie?”
Illuga’s face instantly turned bright red, perfectly matching Lohen’s. “These are for me?”
There’s no going back now… “And so is this.” Lohen looked down at Illuga’s open hand without the flowers. “May I?”
Illuga, completely speechless, just frantically nodded his head. Lohen gently took Illuga’s hand into his own and brought it up to his lips. Lohen feels completely out of breath, a thrilling sensation he’s missed from his younger days. Whistles and cheers erupt across the room.
Lohen lowered his head, his lips ever so lightly touching Illuga’s knuckles, and quickly retreated, observing his possible future boyfriend’s expression. Illuga’s cheeks are flushed pink, but there’s no mistaking the small smile on his face. Lohen can even feel himself smiling as well. Even if it was just for a moment, the whole room was quiet, leaving just the two of them.
“Yayyyyyy!!!” Lohen hears Klee, standing on a chair. “Good job Big Brother Lohen! Good job Mister Birdie!”
There goes the silence.
Paimon started flying all across the room, holding a drink that looks strangely like whatever Venti and Varka had been drinking, how old is that weird fairy girl anyways? “NO WAY!!! YOU LIKED ILLUGA THIS WHOLE TIME?!”
“In hindsight, there were a couple of ‘moments’ that confirmed the idea.” Varka smiled deviously. Grandmaster, don’t you dare start, or that precious wine of yours is gonna become deadly in a nice five minutes.
A bunch of the other knights had that same stupid smile on their face, like they knew something, but quite frankly, Lohen couldn’t care less about that right now. “Yeah, yeah, big amazing confession and all, I’m sure you enjoyed it. Now go back to doing whatever shit you were doing before and–”
Before Lohen could process it, Illuga had pulled him closer and shoved their lips together. Lohen’s hand cupped Illuga’s face, leaving them beyond the point of return. The cheers only got louder and louder, but all he could feel was Illuga’s presence through his body. After what seemed so long yet still too short for it to be real, Illuga let go and looked deeply into Lohen’s crimson tinted eyes. “Care to explain how all this happened?”
“Oh, riiiiiiiight…” Lohen chuckled nervously. “That.”
–
Ever since the expedition in Nod-Krai, I couldn’t deny it.
I had a stupid, idiotic crush on Birdie. Not like it was completely my fault though, Birdie made it so fucking easy to like him! Illuga's strong, smart, dependable, annoyingly patient… good-looking…
Shut up.
So, anyways, I had a plan.
First, I’d offer to babysit Klee. While at first, Albedo looked at me strangely, I’m sure he was pretty glad he wouldn’t have to deal with her for the rest of the day. While I was babysitting Klee, I looked for her Dodocommunication Device so I could talk to Alice myself and ask her to do some magic shit to bring Illuga to me. However, she took that as an opportunity to invite a hundred people. But I’m not the Vice Captain for nothing! Even if my reputation was going down the drain, I had to see this through.
My next objective was to actually plan what to do. Unfortunately, I live with enough lovesick idiots to know that flowers are a common gift to people you like. That’s how I ended up at the flower stand.
BUT THEN, OF COURSE THE TRAVELER WAS THERE, AND HER BATSHIT CRAZY FAIRY ALMOST RUINED EVERYTHING!
Moving on.
Next, I decided to ask Noelle for help. Why Noelle? Well, she was the only person guaranteed to keep the whole thing a secret, she’s too nice. So thanks to her, we added perfume and the hand kiss into the plan.
As for that, uh, thing that happened in the end.
That was all Birdie’s fault.
I don’t regret it. Hopefully he doesn’t either.
Judging from his smile afterwards, I think my chances are pretty high.
“Lohen?”
“Yes, Birdie?”
“That’s the worst plan I’ve ever heard.”
“But it worked, didn’t it? In fact, I’d say–”
Illuga promptly shut Lohen up with another kiss.