Chapter Text
Life's a bitch and then we all die. Words of wisdom that a great philosopher once said, not that there's much to be philosophical about when you can change everything about yourself. Much like how if you change the parts of a hammer, is it still the same hammer? Maybe it's just grown. Maybe it's just changed a little but it's still the same hammer on the inside. Unfortunately, all the mysteries of the world can't be known by the age of 25. When you're old enough to be independent, but young enough that you still have to rely on others on occasion.
My eyes flit across the ceiling, every aspect of my room the same really. I didn't wanna change much because I was used to it. Or maybe, rather, I'd grown complacent with how things stay the same. It would be an excuse to say I hate change because everything has changed already.
"Ughhh, I guess I should get up now, the others are probably waiting." I push myself up with my elbows off the bed. I let my feet dangle off the side of the mattress that's just a little bit too tall for me. With a stretching yawn I make my way over to my wardrobe which consists of all the basics anyone could really need. A few oversized tee shirts and some shorts. I quickly change and make my way towards the center hall.
Everyday I open my door, and get to stare at the one across from mine. The red x that really makes me think. I know he's gone, it's been months. I just wish I could...
"Uh Pomni?"
I shake my head and see Ragatha hesitant but happy to reach out to me when I truly need it. Her hand settles on my shoulder gently but firmly like a lighthouse for a ship at sea.
"Hey." Ragatha says gently.
I smile softly. I try not to bring up Jax too much, I say enough about him when it counts that I don't wanna bring the mood down more so. We're all trying to grow something better here, something amazing, together.
"Sorry, are you ready for today? I've been meaning to talk to Gangle and see what she drew for us but we've been so busy." I laugh.
Ragatha laughs gently in response.
"Jeez I know. We've hardly had time to chill recently. I guess we've been having too much fun on stuff we've missed out on." Ragatha sighs.
They walk together towards the center hall where the others are all seated in the couch area, a modern coffee table added to set their drinks down and begin talking about their plans for the day together.
Caine is excited today, bouncing in place on the cushion he's on. Basically he's one of us now, besides the occasional slip ups he tries so hard to make everyone happy. We're all proud of how far he's gotten too.
"So I was thinking what if we did a coffee shop addon to that new hallway near the kitchen... Would you guys...like that?" Caine usually brought up all his suggestions shyly, making sure everyone approved before he modified anything. He really wanted us to have control over this domain sincerely.
"Oh! Yeah! We could also have all those flavored syrups. Maybe some seasonal stuff too?" Gangle chimed in full heartedly.
She's tried to be a lot more assertive since we heard about what we're like in the physical plane. Also since there's no one to shoot down her ideas anymore she speaks her mind more freely. I think of him constantly.
Zooble laughs and wraps an arm around Gangle and pulls her closer to them on the couch.
"We can have a chalkboard menu and you can draw all the specialty coffees, like how we did the bar menu. I loved how that came out." Gangle's eyes softened as she leaned up to give Zooble a peck on the cheek with that comment.
They were so cute together, and made each other so happy. It was actually so refreshing to see romance after everything that's happened. Their love was comforting.
Caine was writing down everything into a notepad that had appeared out of nowhere. Nodding vehemently he glanced up at Ragatha and I, then to Kinger who was right next to Caine on the couch.
"Anything else you'd like to add ladies? Kinger?"
Ragatha shook her head no and I just shrugged. Kinger tilted his head and scratched his chin in thought for a moment.
"Oh! How about drinks based on everyone. I think that would be subtle and delicious!"
Caine nodded and scribbled that down as well.
"Well I am gonna come up with some basic blueprints and I'll come back here to get more input later! be right back!" Caine jumped out of his seat and ran down to where he'd made his new office. A room all of us had access to and where he would always be when, and if, we needed to consult him about anything. We often did consult him when it came to conjuring limits and he even was a reliable therapist at times. Now that he truly listened and read the DSM5.
Kinger patted the spot next to him on the couch, ragatha sat on the cushion closest to him and I sat on the other side leaving her sandwiched between us.
"Hey Gangle do you have your sketchbook with you? I remember you wanting to show us something." I brought up the topic.
Gangle turned towards me with a bright smile and patted Zooble twice on the leg and stood up.
"Pomni! Follow me! It's in our room right now. Ragatha you come too." So with that Gangle let the way with us in tow. Zooble put their legs up on the couch and started a conversation with Kinger, resident father of the gang now.
Gangle pushed their door open, she now left it cracked open most of the time. No fears of anything getting in there somehow, no harmful pranks at least. She had an easel set up in the center of the room. And paint supplies were scattered on the table next to it. This must've been something she's been working on for about a week, since she mentioned conjuring up new painting supplies and getting into different forms of media.
"Okay, close your eyes!" I covered my eyes with my hands and I assume Ragatha did the same. I could hear Gangle moving the easel, swiveling it to face it towards us.
"So I wanted to make sort of a tribute thing y'know? I know it's been a hard month especially for you Pomni, since you guys were close and all. Uhm... You can look now." Gangle said hesitantly.
I uncovered my eyes. The canvas was beautiful. It was all of us together, including Jax. It looked like the cover to a slice of life anime which was the sort of style Gangle was best with. It looked like a high school picture with Kinger in the back as a teacher looking down smiling at his students. Kaufmo was next to him making bunny ears behind Kinger`s head. Jax, Ragatha, and Zooble were lined up in the center row. Jax was leaning forward on my head with a smirk and I looked happy but slightly annoyed. Gangle was smiling and holding up a peace sign in front of Zooble. Caine was in the middle in a school uniform smiling right towards the viewer.
"Gosh Gangle it's perfect, did you show Caine yet? He'd love this too." Ragatha said excitedly.
"I haven't yet. I wanted it to be a surprise gift for him for being so adaptable with us. I just wanted to show you guys first." Gangle blushed and used her ribbons to cover her cheeks.
"Pomni are you...okay?" Ragatha had her hands on my shoulders. I didn't even realize I'd started crying. I sniffled and wiped my eyes.
"Yeah I'm good just... Reminds me of everything we've been through I guess. It's a beautiful painting Gangle. Caine will love it. I'm sure." I wipe my eyes again, lingering tears still falling down my cheeks. I need to change the topic to anything else, something else.
"So let's get a move on, we were gonna work on that lake house thing outside today right?" I smile up at Ragatha.
Her eyes betray that she's worried for a moment but I know she's been working on seeming more casual and letting people open up to her first so she won't ask, and I'm so very grateful for it.
"Yep! I'm thinking a dock would be nice to jump off of as well. What about you and Zooble?" Ragatha turns back to the other person in the room.
Gangle smiles shyly as she busies herself with turning the easel back around to its original position.
"Well me and Zooble were gonna try and do a date-thing then tag along with you guys. So I guess we'll meet you outside in a bit!"
With that me and Ragatha left their room and waved goodbye to Gangle with the promise of hearing how their date went later.
We walked back to the center area in a comfortable silence and Zooble was gone from the couches, likely off to prepare something for their date. Kinger was still on the couch though but he was getting ready to go elsewhere.
"Kinger you wanna come help us out with the finishing touches on the lake house?" I asked him happily
"Ah Pomni, I was just gonna go say hi to Queenie then I'll make my way there, much like a mosquito in a horse banquet. Bye girls!" And he practically galloped away.
"What does that even mean?" I asked Ragatha and she shrugged it off simply.
She grabbed my wrist and led me outside the tent where we had formerly had our beach adventure. I let her lead me with no resistance as I've gotten used to her being in close contact with me since we hugged that day, that brought us a lot closer at least and I'm glad I get to call her a friend.
Me and Ragatha got started by entering the lake house, pretty much everything was done besides furnishing the place and adding homelike features like cabinets and such. We made friendly small talk as we conjured things together and honed our craft to suit everyone's style. Ragatha tended to conjure western style things and I usually had a more modern style but we could tweak everything to match towards the end a bit when the others were here to comment.
We finished up with what we wanted to make in the house and wandered outside. We began making the posts for the dock to be on and added a wooden ladder at the edge for easy access. It only took about an hour for the dock to be completed and we relaxed by dipping our feet in the water.
The sun casted long shadows onto the reeds and plants we had added to the lake a few days prior. Now the trees outside were more defined as if brought to HD and at night fireflies were seen everywhere, courtesy of Kinger. You could even see the fish NPC jump out and back into the water on occasion with his brother, happily together.
The sight of them together made me laugh and I leaned back on my arms turning to look at Ragatha who had already been watching me with a soft smile.
"I'm glad we were able to make this somewhere where we could enjoy the simple things. Together." Ragatha slid her hand over mine and I flashed her a smile.
"I know we really are doing a great job here, I think the others would be a little jealous right now. It's beautiful though, isn't it?" I laugh and turn my eyes back to the water ripples. I can't help but wonder what he would've added if he'd gotten the chance though. Probably something stupid, like a shark.
"They would be. Pomni, you've really made this place feel like home, at least for me it's gotten to feel like one. I just wanna say thanks for...being here." Ragatha sighed wistfully and peacefully all at the same time.
"I really didn't do much. But thank you too, Ragatha for being here."
Ragatha took her hand off of mine and gently placed a hand on my shoulder to push me to look at her gently, happy tears in her eyes.
"I think I need to confess something to you Pomni."
A small squeal from behind was heard. They both jolted to look behind them at the start of the dock where Gangle was utterly red faced and Zooble had their hand covering Gangle's mouth.
"Uhhhhh sorry if we're... Interrupting something." Zooble released their hand from Gangle's face to scratch the back of their neck awkwardly.
Ragatha sighed and shook her head softly, putting on a casual facade but she did seem subtly disappointed at the interruption.
"No it's okay, c'mon down here with us guys."
Zooble and Gangle joined us on the dock and soon Kinger did too.
"They were really riled up in the aquarium today, they seemed to be playing together." Kinger chuckled as he sat with us on the dock.
I flinched and Ragatha and Gangle noticed but said nothing at the mention of the abstractions.
"Well I wonder if they know how things have changed around here." Zooble threw a rock, trying to skip it along the water yet failing miserably.
"I don't know if they can but I hope they do." Kinger said sadly, rubbing at a knot in the wood of the dock with his fingertips.
"That doesn't really change anything for them though, they're happy together in the aquarium." Gangle says softly skipping a rock perfectly and earning a soft high-five from Zooble.
"I hope they can understand us, I've been talking to them too." I said even softer than Gangle had. They all mostly avoided the topic of the abstractions when I was around, scared that I'd probably try something crazy again. I don't think I'd do anything too crazy though, not to that point at least.
"Even if they don't understand, I'll keep visiting them anyway." Ragatha murmured next to me.
Small talk filtered onto other things after that. Beginning weekly spaghetti nights, possible construction ideas for the coffee shop, and Gangle's date which had apparently been a picnic in the new greenhouse room. Which was mainly Ragatha's creation but all enjoyed it.
Another peaceful day came to an end. The sunset casted gorgeous orange and purple hues onto the lake and I was glad we got to watch the sunset together for the first time. It looked so nice I requested a drawing of us watching the sunset from Gangle who looked excited at the prospect of a new art work.
We all filtered back in once the fireflies started to flicker on and off, nearing dark out. Caine was waiting for us in the tent with dinner and some very... Interesting ideas for the coffee shop. Everyone was happy to brainstorm and chat while we ate and I was even able to request my specialty coffee to be a sweet cream cold brew. Caine happily took down more notes and with that everyone turned into their rooms for the night.
I struggled with falling asleep, no more than usual since I've always sorta struggled with it. But this particular night I just kept turning over and over, conjuring a cold pillow can only save you so many times before you have a bed full. So I settled on going for a walk.
Everyone else was asleep, doors all cracked a bit in case anyone needed each other. Well except for one door that was shut, but no noises were heard so the couple was sleeping now. I walked for a while, my feet automatically led me to the aquarium. I lean on the railing and watch them for sometime, the quiet solace of this place lets me think until I decide if I want to try sleeping again eventually.
Jax had been in the aquarium for a short time, only a couple weeks or so. I kept having Caine extend the time we had the tent in the center. It'd been a month before I'd finally relinquished the idea of him being in the aquarium to Caine. Enough time for me to stop hoping that when I opened the fabric doors that he'd be standing there, waiting for me. Wishful thinking, definitely. Weirder things have happened before in the circus so maybe I could've had Caine hold off a little longer.
I wish I'd been brave enough to hug Jax's abstracted form again and maybe talk to him inside of his head but without knowing if that was even possible, I deemed it an unnecessary risk. He deserved to be with the other abstractions in the dark aquarium room. I didn't want to make him stay all alone in the tent for me, at least not while we were busy trying to fix the place up to something we'd all enjoy.
They float around so peacefully here. Together. Sometimes I see the three of them together and I wonder if they can understand each other in there or if they can understand anything at all. They do look at us when we talk to them but even so, who knows if they can hear us behind the glass. Another wishful thought I guess. I've sung Daisy Bell for him before and it looked like they all enjoyed the sound. Jax seemed to be staring at me a long time in particular that day, but then again maybe the hope is making me lose my marbles. The solo of a song that used to be a duet, made my chest hurt that day. I haven't sung it since, I did hum it for them sometimes though. I think I'm just scared to feel what I felt when I sang it with him.
Today I settled with talking to them about daily events and small updates. About the future coffee shop where I promised them we'd make them specialty drinks as well. And I pondered out loud at what they'd be. I had no better use for my lonely waking hours anyway.
"Ribbit no offense you'd have to have matcha, probably with extra sugar based on what I've heard about you. Hmmmm....Kaufmo I'm thinking of some kind of dark chocolate espresso blend since you came off a bit mature for what I've heard. For Queenie, I could probably just ask Kinger about your favorites honestly... but if I had to guess something medium roast. Not too sweet and not too strong.... Maybe a caramel latte with bug art on the top. Well actually maybe..... Those bee cake pops as a side instead. For you jax, that's a bit complex cause it could really go either way... I feel like you'd prefer it sweeter since you're younger. Maybe you don't even like coffee at all? I have only ever seen you with those hot cocoas so maybe you're stuck with the caffeine free stuff. Or maybe like boba with the popping pearls? Hmm no... Ah! I've got it! Mocha latte with lavender cold foam. Yeah, you'd probably like that I think."
They floated around, all nearby her. They did tend to people watch from their tank. You could tell all them apart, at least Kinger could, I could only recognize these four. Kaufmo was one of the biggest ones in the aquarium and always near ribbit and jax. Then, Jax and queenies abstractions were about the same size but Queenie usually singled out near wherever Kinger was at the time. Ribbits was a bit hyperactive and floated around quickly like they were in their element so to speak. Jax's was quite leisurely in the way he floated around and floated upside down most of the time as if relaxing. The others I really didn't know the names of, and Kinger had a hard time putting names to them but he knew who was who in his head. They had all been in the cellar the longest and usually kept towards the bottom of the tank in the darker corners to themselves. They would occasionally come and peek up from behind the railing though, interested in watching us talk at them.
My eyes made their way back to Jax, nearby on his back like usual. He'd been watching me already, eyes cycling through the vivid colors they always did. Entrancing in the way as water rippled in the lake during the sunset. He was beautiful here, they all were. Even in the tragedy of their abstractions they were still an artform in themselves. Abstract. Gangle mentioned something about that saying that this room was like a museum for them. I agree too, hopefully they're okay with watching us and being watched. This is probably better compared to the cellar at least I hope it is.
Jax bumps softly against the glass and spins to go the other direction, never veering too far off course while watching anyone.
I got up off the bench and walked towards him, and placed my hand on the glass. He turns himself upwards and gently places his head where my palm rests. I feel a tear fall again.
"Dammit, Jax. Why'd you do it alone? I was always here waiting. I haven't told anyone about what you showed me, or...well... What I saw. I figured you wouldn't have wanted me to. I wish I could talk to you about it more. I wish we'd had more time... More anything. Jax." I slid my hand down the glass slowly dropping it back to my side. Then wiped away more tears as at some point I'd started sobbing.
The other abstractions had moved away when I started talking to him. Maybe they could hear, and they wanted to give me and Jax some privacy. Maybe they didn't want to see me cry at them. I don't blame them. I've always been an ugly crier, at least when I was Abigail my bangs would get stuck to my forehead. My face would get super flushed and my eyes would swell up leaving eyebags the day after. I always tried to hold back my tears, I always acted more composed in public and broke down when I was alone instead. I preferred it that way, where no one could watch. I felt safe here though, they wouldn't judge me for crying here I don't think.
I don't think Jax would judge me right now, we've seen each other cry more than anyone else here. I trust him even as he is now. I know I can tell him anything. He wouldn't share anything about himself even in the circus, I doubt he'd share any of the things I told him.
With a deep sigh and a sniffle I bring both hands up to the glass and lean against it. Jax floats directly in front of me, tilting his head a bit as if expecting me to say something.
"You know, I feel like this is kind of my fault. You came up to me that day and I... I should have...." Another sob wrecks through me stopping the words from coming out of my mouth. The abstraction in front of me gently headbutts the glass with a tap. I stare into his eyes, my vision blurry from the tears they're carrying.
"Ragatha said it probably should have been her that abstracted. I thought that was crazy, but all things considered maybe it should have been me.... I. I think I was the catalyst for so much that happened. I don't know..."
I grow quiet and some time passes before I speak again.
"I miss you, you know? Every time we're all together I can't help but wonder what you would say or do. We watched the sunset today on the lake, and I thought if you were here to conjure anything you'd add a shark so it would eat us before we'd even try thinking about swimming. And I can hear your laugh in the back of my head, like you're standing right there next to me. God, it's so stupid."
Jax's swimming form does a little barrel roll and makes me laugh and he does a little flip in the water for it, I guess he wanted that reaction.
"Even like this, you find a way to be different. Do you remember what you said Jax? When you said I'm not supposed to miss you? That I'm not supposed to love you?"
The abstraction is still, staring directly into my face. All of his eyes centered in on me.
"Well. You were wrong, I can't really help but do that. That's all I can do now. All I do everyday on repeat, I think about what I'd do if you were here next to me. I think... I did love you. In a way that could've been more. I'd love who you truly wanted to become too, cause I know you weren't happy in the way that you were. I think I'd love you no matter what form you take."
At that confession my tears fell silently. I can't stop them even if I tried, it's futile anyway. I sniffle and laugh at a thought that pops into my head. Jax would think I'm crazy if I told him, but why not say it anyway, it's not like he can stop me.
"I just wish I could hear you say you hate me again. I know that was a lie too so I forgive you. Even if you aren't sorry."
He just keeps staring at me. In my heart, I need him to hear this. In my head though, I know I probably wouldn't have told him any of this for a long time. Not unless he changed, I just wish he hadn't waited so so long.
I wipe the tears again and turn away, walking over to lay on the bench. I face him and watch as he stays in that spot that I walked away from for a while. until he drifts back to where his friends were, and I drift off to sleep watching them.