Chapter Text
There hasn’t been an adventure in a week. That means seven days of absolute nothing going on. Gooooood this is so boring, Jax thinks to himself. The adventures are the only thing that he can find fun anymore. Well not always fun but they’re a nice distraction. He can wake up every day knowing that he gets to watch funny cartoon things happen to their funny cartoon bodies. Sometimes it happens to him too, it's funny sometimes, it’s not other times. He scowls. He got all excited when Caine said he was working on an extra special adventure. Usually that meant something violent, bloody, or scary. He enjoys watching the others freak out over those types of adventures. They don’t realize that none of this is real and nothing that happens to them matters. Caine can’t actually hurt any of them. They’re just cartoons and cartoons don’t feel pain. Or fear. Or emotion.
He shakes his head, walking into the common area of the circus. Off in the distance he sees the others in the amazing digital kitchen, named by Caine of course. It was technically a set piece from an adventure a month back but the cast liked it so much they ended up convincing the AI to add it to the circus. An open concept kitchen with tall cabinets, a way too big double door fridge, and a large kitchen island they can all sit around. The whole cast is there, except for Kinger who must be hiding in his pillow fort. The old man lost it years ago, long before Jax came to the circus. He has no idea what the chesspiece does in that fort and he has no interest in finding out. He sees Zooble at the stove cooking something. It looks like pancakes but he’s too far to tell or care. Ragatha laughs at something the plastic landfill says and he can feel the frown form on his face.
Caine let it loose that the big special adventure he’d been working on was a suggestion from Ragatha and Zooble. That means the chances of violence and fun was at zero percent. Well maybe twenty five percent, it was still Caine making the adventure, but either way it would be way less fun than he wants. He’s surprised they convinced him to do a suggestion adventure. Hadn’t Caine taken away their suggestion box? And what’s with Zooble anyways? They hate adventures, why the hell would they suggest them? When did Zooble and Ragatha start getting along anyways? They were laughing together and he could see Ragatha smiling. He hates her smile. It was always so fake, plastered on to hide true intention behind her mask, just like him. Looking at her now though she seemed to genuinely be smiling. Tears rolling down her cheeks as she clutches her stomach at something the mxter potato head said. He chuckles at his own internal joke for a second before seeing them again, losing that joy in a heartbeat. He can make himself happy again. It’s really easy. He just has to ruin their fun.
He brandishes his usual signature grin, walking over to the group with his hands in the pockets of his overalls. “Whatcha laughing at Raggy?”
She looks up, surprise falling on her face before she puts on a smile of her own. “Oh hey, Zooble was just telling us about a crazy customer they had working at a piercing shop.”
That was the look Jax knew. That strained smile. The corners of her mouth never reached high enough for it to be a true one and she always wore it when he came around. He doesn’t understand why she tries to hide how she feels about him. He knows she hates his guts, she's just too scared the others will see her as mean.
“Wow Zoobie,” Jax laughs a bit too loud. “A bartender, tattoo artist, and a piercer. What’s next, were you a barista too?”
“F*&K off Jax,” Zooble scoffed. “And what if I was a barista, at least I had a job.”
He thinks for a moment about his life before the circus. Graduating high school he joined the military for some time. It’s what his father did and it’s what his mother expected him to do too. It’s what any man should do. He joined and went through boot camp, visiting his mother from time to time. That was before… before he joined the circus. He can tell Zooble that but why would he be honest. He doubts they would even believe him. A smile forms across his face.
“I’ll have you know I was in the military.” He smirks.
Zoobles face contorted and their antennae crossed. “There’s zero F*#king chance you served the fucking country. Who in their right mind would give YOU a gun? At least pick a believable lie.”
Jax puts a finger to the corner of his mouth “You never know Zoolander, I could be telling the truth.”
“Bull S&%T” Is all they respond with as they go back to flipping a pancake.
Jax seizes the opportunity. Grabbing the breakfast mid flip before taking a bite out of it. It’s hotter than he expects but he keeps composed. He can’t let them win this bout of wits.
“F*&K YOU!” Zooble yells. “THAT WAS FOR POMNI!”
He looks over to the sad clown who’s been sitting at the table watching the exchange. Her big pinwheel eyes are locked onto the delicacy in his hand. He waves it causing it to flop, a large bite mark out of the fluffy delight. “What’s wrong, you still want a bite with my cooties all over it?”
She looks at the food and then back at him before shrugging. “Honestly it’s not like there’s germs in the circus and I’m too hungry.”
She reaches a hand out to him and he smiles. He likes Pomni. She doesn’t care about his bullshit and she’s always honest. He likes that compared to Ragatha’s fakeness, but sometimes that honesty is too intense. There’s moments where she says something nice to him and he can tell she’s being real. It throws him off and he has to remember to reset, make a joke, and move on. He can’t have her getting too close. It’s the best for both of them. He places the pancake in her hand and she starts to gnaw at it. Gangle watches the exchange in horror. “Eww Pomni you can’t be serious. Who knows where his mouth has been?”
He looks at her with fake shock. He’s surprised at her sassy comment but he can’t let them know. It’s that comedy mask on her face. It’s giving her too much confidence and a confident Gangle is scary. He mentally shudders as memories of Spudsies flash in his brain. He leans in quickly, grabbing the sheet of porcelain off her face before holding it above her head. “What’s wrong Ribbons? Do you want a bite of me too?”
“What? No eww. Just give me my mask back ok, please.”
“I’m just looking for a new plate to eat breakfast with.”
He smirks, taking the mask before dropping it on the kitchen table. Shattering rings through the kitchen as the facade of a face sat in three pieces. The look on Gangle's face is priceless. Gone was that confidence she was wearing before, now replaced with two sapphire tears welling up under her hollow black eyes. The only one left laughing in the kitchen was Jax. The others are now either angry, sad, or in Pomni’s case, too tired to react. Zooble and Ragatha are yelling at him. He tunes them out, not caring what they are actually saying, just looking at their reactions. Zooble being angry is par for the course. They’re so easy to get a reaction out of, it’s why Jax likes them. He didn’t really like them, that would be ridiculous, he just appreciates how honest they were with their feelings. He doesn’t have to worry about false niceties, or unreadable emotions. They speak their true feelings at all times, always with a bitter hatred in his direction but he’s seen their honest kindness to Gangle and the others. Mushy stuff like that always makes him sick, causing his insides to knot in ways he isn’t comfortable with. Hatred was something he is used to. A familiar comfort he had long before coming to the circus. Seeing Ragatha of all people yell at him, hate him, that brings him so much joy. She drops the fake positivity, that facade of a smile, and is honest about her feelings. She’s only honest when she’s mad, always was and always will be. That’s the only time he likes her. He hears his name snapping his mind back to his body. He looks up from where he is staring at the ground. How long had he been like that?
“JAX!” Ragatha yells.
“Yes Raggie?”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“Honestly, no. I couldn’t care less about your pity party.”
She looks at him confused. “I said Caine wants us to gather at the stage.”
“Oh.”
He looks around. The others have already left, breakfast being over. How long was he out of it? He shrugs before pushing past Ragatha who just stared at him in return. The rest of the cast had already gathered at the stage, Kinger included. Caine floats above them, idly tapping his foot mid air. When the two of them appear he springs to life, swinging his cane almost popping Bubble next to him.
“FINALLY!” He bellows. “With everyone here I can FINALLY announce the spectacular new adventure I’ve been working on!”
He takes his top hat off before waving his cane behind him, large letters appear in the air. Jax’s first thought that runs through his head is the fact that the font is fucking comic sans. Where did Caine even learn about comic fucking sans! He’s about to laugh before he processes what the words are. The Amazing Digital Fashion Show! Are you fucking kidding me. A fucking fashion show. Where’s the violence? Where’s the intrigue? A FUCKING FASHION SHOW!
“Are you kidding me Caine.” Pomni groans.
Jax’s eyes flash to her. She doesn’t like this either. He knew he liked Pomni. Maybe if they complain together they can change the prompt, or at least add some stakes. Surprisingly it was Zooble that spoke up next, raising their arms in defense of Caine.
“Ok guys wait, trust us on this. Ragatha and I pitched in to help out with this adventure and we think you guys will like it.”
“You helped make an adventure?” Jax blurts out with confusion.
“I don’t know,” Pomni cringes. “Fashion isn’t really my thing.”
Gangle in the back of the group is jumping up and down excitedly. Of course the resident artist and freak would be up for this. Kinger idly watches Bubble as he floats around the chesspiece’s head. Ragatha is the one to step up next.
“We worked together with Caine to make some fun outfits for everyone. Plus as an added bonus for participating he said we can keep the clothing for ourselves after the adventure.”
This got everyone’s attention. Gangle’s jaw dropped and Pomni stood up straight. The jester looks between Ragatha, Zooble, and Caine.
“Are you saying we can… change our clothes after this?” She asks tentatively. “I take off this stupid hat?”
This got a smile out of all of the ragdoll. Jax looks at her and he can’t believe what he was seeing. For what he could tell, she wore an actual genuine smile. Something changed in the woman, confidence and excitement radiated off of her. When did this happen? How did he not notice this before? Somehow in this hellhole of a reality they were all stuck in, where the same thing happens day after day after day after day, she changed. The twisting feeling in his stomach returns and it threatens to shatter him. He doesn’t like change.
Zooble smiles with their eyes, looking at Pomni first and then to Gangle. “We can actually choose to wear clothes. We can start to feel a little more like normal people again.”
Fuck his head is spinning. He needs to say something, anything at this point. He can change his clothes? He needs to say something, something funny. He’s the funny one isn’t he? A thought flashes through his mind and he runs with it, “So you’re telling me you go all this time flashing us just to wear clothes Zoobie? I thought I had you pinned down as a pervert like Gangle.”
“Come on Jax,” Zooble huffs, “This is your chance to get out of those stupid overalls.”
“My overalls are the pinnacle of masculinity!” He sputters. There was too much emotion behind that. He needs to calm down.
“You’re not denying the nudist allegations, Zoobert.” He grins.
“If I could have been wearing clothes before this I would have been ok,” They sigh. “I want to feel like a real human being again.”
“Yeah sure whatever let’s get this adventure over with.”
Caine raises his cane preparing to summon the portal before Ragatha interrupts him. “Wait Caine! Before we start, can I quickly say something to everyone.”
“Oh, of course my noodle haired raggamuffin,” Caine beams at her. “But keep it quick we gotta get this show on the road!”
Ragatha turns to the group, she’s wringing her hands nervously. “I… I just wanted to let you all know… just so everyone was on the same page about things… I hope this doesn’t change how you view me or anything… I…”
She looks like an emotional wreck right now. Her face is contorted into fear and… shame? What is happening right now? Jax can’t figure out what’s happening. She’s not smiling or being her usual fake self. Is she… opening up? Zooble walks up to her, reaching out a hand and Ragatha takes it. It’s a sign of comfort, he thinks. God this is so awkward to watch, it's too mushy. He wants to run away or make a joke. A joke. That’s a good idea. Make a joke.
“What are you two a couple or something,” Jax snides. “Are you coming out to us or something?”
“What no!” Ragatha says shocked. “Well yes but no, not in that way.”
What is happening right now. His head is spinning as she stands up straight, composing herself. His hands feel clammy and his knees feel weak. He’s glad everyone is looking at her and no one is looking at him. He doesn’t want to be perceived right now. She takes a deep breath before saying her next words firmly, like she’s rehearsed it many times.
“I wanted to let you all know that I’m trans.”
What is happening right now.
Pomni looked surprised as well as Gangle. Jax feels like he is going to vomit. Pomni puts on a smile, honest and kind before speaking up.
“Would you want us to use he/him pronouns for you now?”
“Oh no, I should have specified,” Ragatha laughs. “I’m a trans woman. I transitioned before I came to the circus so she/her please.”
What the fuck is happening right now. He’s known Ragatha for years. Longer than anyone else in the circus, alongside Kinger of course. She had been here when he first joined, as well as… that doesn’t matter. This whole time she’s been hiding this? This whole time she’s fooled him? This doesn’t make any sense. Memories of his mother swirl around his head. He knows what she would say. She’s one of them. He’s glad his mother isn’t here right now. The others are talking, asking questions to Ragatha. She explains how she transitioned young. The expectations and rules her mother put on her. The lessons, the surgeries, how she had to hide it from everyone. Holy shit she fully and completely transitioned. It’s no wonder she hid it so well, she had everything. From Zooble’s first day in the circus they were fully honest about who they were but Rags… She hid it. He can’t even look at her right now, choosing to look at the ground instead. Why was this getting to him so much? Why was she getting under his skin? He wants to move past this and just forget everything about it. Go back to the way things were. He pushes his feelings back down into the core of his being, putting on his signature smile.
“Congrats on your moment Raggie but can we get a move on? I’m really excited to try out these new clothes you’ve all made.”
Zoobled looks at him confused, “I thought you didn’t want to go on this adventure?”
“Whaaat, no wayyyyy,” He lies. “Caine, can you summon the portal?”
“Of course my eager little bunny!” Caine quips, summoning the fractal noise next to the group.
Jax takes advantage of the moment, moving fast but he throws his hands behind his head casually. He keeps his back to the group, not wanting his face to give away the emotions he’s feeling. The fractal noise encompasses him and his body feels like static as he starts off the adventure.